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relationship when your older


Cdil0420

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My boyfriend of four years recently (8 weeks ago) ended our relationship. Said he didnt' want to be in the same place four years from now. We had talked about moving in together but I had wanted to get a place not my house or his house get our own house. He only wanted me to sell my house and move to his house where he lived with his deceased wife. Instead of trying to work something out together he just decided to end it. I am 55 and he is 60. He said he needs someone who is going to move in with him and spend time with his family. I spent every weekend at his house and went down as often as I could during the week. we lived about 50 min apart. In the four years he not once ever stayed at my house although he worked only a few blocks from where I lived. I miss him terribly and have not heard from him.. I know he is actively trying to date but I'm hoping he realizes at our age that compromising with someone you are connected with is easier than just start dating in hopes of finding someone to give you what you want and not care about their own needs. Am I a fool for hanging on to the hope .. I just truly don't think most people at our age are willing to give up everything their roots and their family for someone else. Am I crazy?

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You are not crazy but you do need to open your eyes.

 

Four years and you did all the heavy lifting in the relationship. What did he do?

 

He basically told you he wants someone that will cater to his desires and not have any of their own. Reading your words it sounds like he is looking for a stand in for his deceased wife. Nothing new, just someone to fill in the blank so he doesn't have to make any changes in his life. Is that what you want to be? A stand in for a dead woman???

 

At your age anything is possible so stop putting restrictions on your life and your options due to your age. I am 56 and have all kinds of options and so do you.

 

This man will not change his mind and he has shown just how much you actually meant to him by already trying to replace you. No heartache, no mourning the loss of a 4 year relationship and no sense of loss. He just started looking for a replacement.

 

I see this as a blessing for you because now you are free to find a man that values you, will love you and will want to share in a relationship with you. There are a lot of good men out there looking for the same things you are trust me.

 

Take some time to digest what I have written and try to see this clearly.

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

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Lostandhurt pretty much said it all. I just want to add that in the future, please take note of important things right away so that you're not wasting your time in a place you shouldn't be. If a guy isn't putting in equal effort, make your exit ASAP. Perhaps your self esteem could use some boosting to prevent accepting breadcrumbs from here on out. Read articles and books on how to achieve this. Take care.

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Can only second every word that Lost said.

 

Also, yes you really do need to work on your self esteem and self worth. I actually cringed at your "our age" comment. At 55 you are not that old and you've got so much more life to live, date, travel, enjoy. Plenty and I mean plenty of singles in your age range. Lots of people divorced or divorcing as their kids are now grown and off to college, etc. My parents are older than you, but they are having a blast and their friends are a mix of married and single/dating. The women truly have a new beau in tow every few months and can afford to be picky about it. It's all a state of mind and yours needs some adjusting from glass is empty to glass is full to overflowing.

 

That belief of yours that you are out of choices is what made you settle for and put up with a man who was never worth anything you have to offer, a lazy user who never wanted you, just a warm body to cater to him. I know you aren't, but looking in from the outside, I'm actually glad you are rid of him. I can only hope that this forces you to open your eyes and start living again and embrace life for real.

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I think you did waste 4 yrs old your life with this guy who wants it al his way but now you are free to do as you please and get on with your life. You are not old, it's only a number on a birth certificate.

 

Pay more attention to the important things that will come up in your next relationship. If you aren't getting what you want and need, move on.

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This has been a one sided relationship...basically you two weren't on the same page...sadly it took 4 years to figure that out. Next relationship, put your emotions aside, and put your expectations first...they need to be met/talked about/and worked through amicably, and make sure everything is equal. You already gave up too much for this guy, and look what it got you. Zero. I say find yourself a nice younger feller, that is flexible, and easier going. One that makes more sense to you.

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Sounds very one-sided. Can I ask why you allowed the dynamics of the relationship to be this way? Why didn't you have a voice, and make the time spent more equal?

 

OP, this was a blessing in disguise. Find someone who is not so selfish and respects your wants and needs.

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You are not crazy but you do need to open your eyes.

 

Four years and you did all the heavy lifting in the relationship. What did he do?

 

He basically told you he wants someone that will cater to his desires and not have any of their own. Reading your words it sounds like he is looking for a stand in for his deceased wife. Nothing new, just someone to fill in the blank so he doesn't have to make any changes in his life. Is that what you want to be? A stand in for a dead woman???

 

At your age anything is possible so stop putting restrictions on your life and your options due to your age. I am 56 and have all kinds of options and so do you.

 

This man will not change his mind and he has shown just how much you actually meant to him by already trying to replace you. No heartache, no mourning the loss of a 4 year relationship and no sense of loss. He just started looking for a replacement.

 

I see this as a blessing for you because now you are free to find a man that values you, will love you and will want to share in a relationship with you. There are a lot of good men out there looking for the same things you are trust me.

 

Take some time to digest what I have written and try to see this clearly.

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

Spot on!

 

I am also 56 and feel I have many options. I don't understand why you don't believe you have options? Obviously, this is what kept you with this user. Don't waste another 3 years on someone like this.

 

Work on your self esteem. Do you have friends and a social life?

 

Is the drug addict son still living with him? Are your kids still living with you

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Regardless of what his priorities are, I think you should stay true to yourself and what you need in a relationship. Not everyone is made equal or not everyone goes into a relationship with as open of a mind as the next person or without as much baggage.

 

Later in life, we all come with our own set of experiences (good and bad). Some of us carry less baggage and others don't work on letting go as easily.

 

He is being very honest with you about what he will and won't do. Practice listening with open ears and an open heart - just as open as you are to loving him! This person is telling you exactly what he won't do and isn't comfortable doing. Unfortunately it's very hard to listen when we have our own thoughts and emotions warring inside us.

 

Take a time out and let the dust settle. He's actively dating and finding someone else to fill that role.

 

The worst thing you can do at this point is to continue trying to fit yourself in someone's life when he's opted you out.

 

Someone who wants you there, will put you in his life effortlessly and with the immense care and love that's fitting for that sort of commitment. This just isn't it. Take care of yourself and practice listening.

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Sorry to hear this. He seems rigid and a bit selfish and creepy. Do Not Sell Your home because some dude wants you to.

 

You need to make appropriate decisions based on advice from bankers, estate attorneys and accountants as well as having intelligent frank conversations with trusted friends and family. Get your finances and affairs in order and do not discuss that with people you date. Discuss finances with your legal and financial people.

 

Don't let grieving geezers and scammers pull you around like this. Join some 50+ dating apps.

He only wanted me to sell my house and move to his house where he lived with his deceased wife.
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Your boyfriend has the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" mentality. He only wants you based upon his convenience and no strings attached. He wants you at his disposal and if you don't like it, there is the door and don't let it hit you on your way out. :eek:

 

Your boyfriend is very established and settled with his life, his finances, his house, his real estate, his grown adult children and still attached to his late wife, his memories of her and his long marriage to her. The bottom line is, he's not serious about you. :upset: His intentions with you are insincere. Your boyfriend wants you to be his cook, run errands, housecleaning maid, nursemaid when he's ill and a free "wife" without putting his money where his mouth is. If you move in with him, he's getting off cheap. :upset: Don't sell yourself short. Be more expensive than that.

 

Yes,you're a fool for hanging onto hope. People "your age" don't have a typical stereotype. Not everyone is the same and not everyone "your age" fits a one size fits all mold. You're only crazy if you think your boyfriend is as good as it gets.

 

Work on yourself, self improvement, take care of yourself, surround yourself with good friends, broaden your horizons and attract high quality men. I know the pickings are slim but they're out there if you become very picky and choosy. Never lower your standards!

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You wrote this:

"at our age that compromising with someone you are connected with is easier than just start dating in hopes of finding someone to give you what you want"

 

That applies to you too. He has shown you that you are NOT "connected" in the way you should be. He actually did you a favor by ending it. Now you are free to find someone who is willing to compromise.

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His house is not "he is so attached to his late wife" - its a home he worked hard to get and possibly pay off. If her personal possessions are everywhere around the house and he won't put things away (its totally reasonable to keep wedding photos, photos of her with the kids - its not a divorce - but if he still has her makeup on the bathroom counter. WHen i met my guy - he had been able to buy his grandparents house - it was out of the family for awhile and he always wanted to buy it if it ever came to be and he did, he completely renovated it (its a historic home that was in the family for years and year). He told me that he never wants to move after waiting so long for it. If the relationship progressed, that is what he will not bend on. That was totally reasonable for him to want. It was up to me if I was okay with that.

 

I see no problem if she was okay with it - keeping her house and renting it out or selling it and retaining her money or buying a rental property with it and it would be her property.

 

I see no problem if both of them won't move -- but eventually, she is going to have to have a guy who wants to move in with HER and then she is in the same dilemma but opposite.

 

The problem with him not coming over --- did she ever speak up before this? Invite him over to plans on her side of town that they both wanted to do?

 

Anyway - neither of them are wrong. They cannot find a compromise. So it has to end

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It's hurtful when you feel you've done things and compromised, only to have to accept they won't do the same for you.

 

I'm sorry. I think some people just are what they are and once you see what they are, you have a choice to make.

 

In this case what you see or rather what I see is this person doesn't think like you.

 

The best thing you can do is work on yourself. Get to know what you like, don't like, what matters to you and then go full force in that direction.

 

For a long time, I was always super easy going. I still am in some ways... it never mattered to me if things were "fair".

 

for example, it doesn't bother me if someone else always wants me to drive, or they pick the restaurant, I'll split the bill 50/50 even if I ordered the cheaper entree....

 

people like me, appreciate that but don't let me cater to them. Other people, those not like me, figure if I minded, I wouldn't do it. so they don't put up a fight.

 

Are the latter wrong? Or am I not making my needs and wishes known? Sounds easy enough but if you don't your needs and wants, how can you tell another person.

 

Your options aren't limited. Your knowledge of you're own wants and needs are. I learned this the hard way and it sounds like you are, too. You are in charge of making sure your needs are met.

 

Take the effort you gave to this relationship and give it yourself. I guarantee, if you start focusing on you, you'll attract someone also focused on you. don't give up.

 

Forget that guy.... there are other guys.

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He's still attached to his late wife IF he was happily married to her and every time he thinks of his children he will always remember the mother of his children. Those memories are inescapable.

 

You are not treated with respect by him. His behavior is intolerable and unacceptable.

 

You're better than that.

 

Real love is when a person thinks of you before themselves and considers your feelings. Since he does neither, get on with your life and treat yourself better. You deserve that.

 

Always remember, he is set financially especially with his real estate (most likely owns his home free and clear) and why would he want to disrupt his economic security? You're only getting in his way according to him. His priorities are with his wallet; NOT you.

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His house is not "he is so attached to his late wife" - its a home he worked hard to get and possibly pay off. If her personal possessions are everywhere around the house and he won't put things away (its totally reasonable to keep wedding photos, photos of her with the kids - its not a divorce - but if he still has her makeup on the bathroom counter. WHen i met my guy - he had been able to buy his grandparents house - it was out of the family for awhile and he always wanted to buy it if it ever came to be and he did, he completely renovated it (its a historic home that was in the family for years and year). He told me that he never wants to move after waiting so long for it. If the relationship progressed, that is what he will not bend on. That was totally reasonable for him to want. It was up to me if I was okay with that.

 

I see no problem if she was okay with it - keeping her house and renting it out or selling it and retaining her money or buying a rental property with it and it would be her property.

 

I see no problem if both of them won't move -- but eventually, she is going to have to have a guy who wants to move in with HER and then she is in the same dilemma but opposite.

 

The problem with him not coming over --- did she ever speak up before this? Invite him over to plans on her side of town that they both wanted to do?

 

Anyway - neither of them are wrong. They cannot find a compromise. So it has to end

 

I agree with this... and OP I encourage you to shift your mindset to one where compromise isn't a necessary part of maintaining a connection, but something you both want to do to enhance your relationship. I don't think anyone should compromise what's important to them for the sake of a relationship as this will ALWAYS lead to resentments and score keeping at the end of the day.

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In the four years he not once ever stayed at my house although he worked only a few blocks from where I lived.

 

This would have told me everything I needed to know--after 4 months, not 4 years.

 

Head high, and date to find the right person who values you, but value your Self first.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I appreciate so much what you have said.. I am slowly starting to feel more myself again.. and not as distraught.. Realizing that if it was that easy for him to move on than I never meant anything to him anyway. I guess in reality I knew/know this.. I just have a hard time believing that there are truly people out there without a heart and are more shall I say "robotic" just to find their own happiness and not caring who they hurt in their path.

 

Everyones words are very encouring. Thank you

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And just to be clear.. I own my home free and clear.. his house still has a huge mortgage on it.. and I suggested the every other weekend at my house and the response was oh. this will last long.. so when your quick to judge did I communicate.. Yes I did

 

The problem with him not coming over --- did she ever speak up before this? Invite him over to plans on her side of town that they both wanted to do? Yes communicated this frequently. Come on you work two blocks from my house.. you can't stop by and just say hi for five minutes.

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