Jump to content

Am I overthinking this or was I holding back wrongly?


Lizafrog

Recommended Posts

I hope this isnt too long but I feel details are important here.

 

I (26f) met this awesome guy at college, let's call him.. J? J is 24. We met in a class we shared and got along awesome. I developed feelings for him pretty fast, he is super respectful, kind and smart. He is a hardcore Christian, I on the other hand am somewhat agnostic. I kinda waited for him for a while because he didnt feel the same, I didnt force myself on him or anything but I really liked him and seeing him everyday made it hard to move on. He eventually came around and we started talking more.

It was complicated because we could never hangout alone and when we did it was like in class or after class in one of our cars, mostly because of religion he didnt want to have sex and he felt the temptation was too strong ? idk. I was patient about that, sex doesnt matter much to me but spending time together does. It took a while of us getting to know eachother romantically before we started officially dating, I thought maybe being official meant we would hangout and talk more but no.

 

I guess this is where the issues started, I had a really close guy friend that I hung out with a lot, we met around the same time I met J, lets call him.. S. we had lots in common and just got on really well, he had feelings for me but he respected me and never acted on them or anything.

J and I started to argue a lot, mostly about religious stuff. He didnt like that I got a new piercing, he wanted me to study the bible more, he rarely messaged me and we couldnt hangout alone and since we didnt have mutual friends we didnt see eachother. Amidst all this fighting, he also asked me to stop hanging out with guys alone, including S. J knew S had feelings for me, so this I understood a bit more but it was like a final straw. I complied for a while, but I was getting flustered after a month or so of all this and I started to think I was developing feelings for S, now I realize it was just craving the normalcy and missing my bestfriend.

 

Anyways, I felt this was unfair to J and we werent really compatible so I broke it off. I didnt tell J how I was feeling for S because I didnt really know how I was feeling and I also didnt want to hurt him.

 

The breakup did hit me a lot because aside from these issues he was a great guy, he was kind, loyal, funny and treated me well. He talked about marrying me (I know its mostly cause he is young and religiously this made it possible to have sex) but it was flattering but overwhelming considering we were just getting to know eachother. It also doesnt help that his mother and friends werent too fond of me because im 'not spiritually strong'.

I ended up telling S how I felt about him shortly after the break up, I told him I wasn't exactly ready to pursue it as I was still in love with J.

He understood but we ended up hooking up a few times, It ended up feeling wrong and I realized I was just craving the normalcy, and intimacy that I was missing with J. I told S I was sorry but I couldnt keep doing it, I felt like I was using him. We stayed friends but I stopped hanging out with him to avoid any further sex stuff.

 

J and I ended up chatting one night, I realized I still loved him but I had messed up. He asked me if I had been with anyone else, or tried to move on and I said I had hooked up with S a few times, He was pretty angry that I had dine this so fast which ai understand.

 

Fast forward, J and I ended up talking a lot again a few months ago, and got back together. Things are much healthier now, I no longer speak to S, we hangout more, he isnt controlling me or being so judgmental and pushy about religion, I havent exactly opened my mind up to religion but I do make sure he knows he can talk about it with me and I support him.

The thing is, He doesnt know I had feelings for S still, and I feel like I left him for S which is wrong. Its been over a year now, but we just got back together 2 months ago. Should I tell him this? It may change his mind but perhaps he isnt wrong. He knows i hooked up with him a few times but idk.

 

TL;DR: Hooked up with bestfriend after break up, ex and I are back together. I feel like I left him for someone else because of the pressure. I realize my mistake now but its eating me alive. Do i tell him everything or is him knowing we hooked up enough? He doesnt bring it up but I don't want someone else to tell him cause he sort of knows S.

Link to comment

Since J knows S, he'll find out sooner or later. Tell J the truth because it's better to hear it from you than S or someone else within J and S's mutual social circle.

 

Keep in mind that since J is a devout Christian and you're somewhat agnostic, your relationship with him won't be permanent. Most couples with successful relationships or marriages tend to share the same faith or religion or both are non-religious or somewhat agnostic. Most couples can relate better when they have more in common especially something as personal as religion. Remain realistic.

Link to comment

You need to leave J alone. You are not the girl for him. He needs a woman who is the same religion as him, otherwise you're going to lead him down the wrong paths.

 

You also slept around, those aren't his beliefs, and to be honest, I am surprised he took you back at all.

 

Now you are saying you had feelings for S? You are so confused on what you feel and for whom, you really don't need to be dating anyone right now. You're basically playing two guys off of each other and treating them both badly.

 

Do you not have a conscience at all on how you treat people? J is too good for you, you need to let him go.

Link to comment

I think you have the "grass is greener" syndrome. Slow your horses for a bit. Every time you're with one man, you want the other. Just when things slow down, you want to rev it up in the other direction.

 

Slow down the reactions and desire to keep reacting to every emotion you're feeling. Life will be full of ups and downs and not all of those emotions need reactions.

 

J and you have different beliefs and values. I don't think it's going to work in the long run but you feel you want to give it a shot because he appears wholesome. Your friend S is plan B because J really isn't for you. I don't think either of these men are good for you. Is it wrong not to date either of them because they aren't right for you?

Link to comment

Sounds like you are bored in your relationship and addicted to drama. If J already knows that you hooked up with S there is absolutely no point in elaborating further. Imo, you need to stop being a drama queen. If you are not happy with J, which by the sound of it you are not, then you need to address the REAL issues between the two of you, not stir up needless drama.

Link to comment

Im not saying I am bored or that I have feelings for S again. This situation happened after we broke up over a year ago, J and I just got back together. I have spent this last year sorting out my feelings, realizing I do love J and trying to win him back. I realize I was stupid.

Link to comment

Bottom line, Liza. Talk about a control freak!

 

I also freak out when I read this stuff. It is so alien to me.

 

"J and I started to argue a lot, mostly about religious stuff. He didnt like that I got a new piercing, he wanted me to study the bible more. Amidst all this fighting, he also asked me to stop hanging out with guys alone,"

 

Forget it Liza.

Link to comment

If you don't plan on joining J's religion, then how do you plan on making things work? Pulling him away from his beliefs? Trying to change his mind? Coaxing him into sex?

 

You two have completely different beliefs. Unless you try to change him and take his beliefs away, I don't know how you think it's going to work.

 

LaHermes, I'm not so sure it's about being a control freak. He told her right from the start about his religion and what it meant to him. He was more than honest and fair on what he wanted, from not only a relationship, but from a partner.

 

He wants a girl who follows the same religion. One who isn't into piercings or tattoos and one who believes in the bible as he does.

 

And that's fair.

If this girl can't or won't comply, then why is she with him? It will be a continual battle and either she will try to change him or they will continuously argue over it.

I'm not even sure why she's forcing it. The family isn't happy about them together.

 

It just seems like a lose-lose situation and trying to force something that just doesn't fit.

 

I'm not a religious follower, but I do think that outsiders needs to respect more than what this girl is doing and to either join the religion or leave the guy alone.

This is what he chooses to follow and this is the lifestyle he is wanting. Nothing wrong with it, the only thing I see wrong here is a girl who has completely different beliefs, trying to force him to live differently and be different than what he wants.

It's disrespectful.

Link to comment

Im not trying to change him, as I said I have made it very clear that I support him and as much as he is religious, he is with me and still knows that I am agnostic and still trying to figure out what i believe. I dont try to pull him away from his family or beliefs, I just found it unfair he could judge my appearance and try to control me instead of just breaking up if he was unhappy, which is what I did at the time. We have both grown a lot this last year and compromised a lot, but I havent asked him or expected him to change.

Link to comment
Im not trying to change him, as I said I have made it very clear that I support him and as much as he is religious, he is with me and still knows that I am agnostic and still trying to figure out what i believe. I dont try to pull him away from his family or beliefs, I just found it unfair he could judge my appearance and try to control me instead of just breaking up if he was unhappy, which is what I did at the time. We have both grown a lot this last year and compromised a lot, but I havent asked him or expected him to change.

 

Does he still bother you about your nose piercing? I'm Catholic and I have a nose piercing and tattoos, by the way. For what it's worth, I hope your view of Christians and Catholics and the whole family hasn't been completely tainted. This may be just his individual tastes and his interpretations.

 

It's wrong for anyone to seek to control another person.

Link to comment
I think you have the "grass is greener" syndrome. Slow your horses for a bit. Every time you're with one man, you want the other. Just when things slow down, you want to rev it up in the other direction.

 

Slow down the reactions and desire to keep reacting to every emotion you're feeling. Life will be full of ups and downs and not all of those emotions need reactions.

 

J and you have different beliefs and values. I don't think it's going to work in the long run but you feel you want to give it a shot because he appears wholesome. Your friend S is plan B because J really isn't for you. I don't think either of these men are good for you. Is it wrong not to date either of them because they aren't right for you?

 

Wise words right here.

 

Also curious, along with reinvent, what kind of outcome with J or reaction from him you'd be hoping for in telling him. Can you try to articulate that here? It might help you process.

 

At least from where I'm sitting, it seems you'd either want him to (a) break up with you or (b) "punish" you in some way for being "stupid" so that, together, you can reaffirm what seems like a big pillar of your foundation—the idea that he is the "good" one in the relationship, while you are the "bad," or "wrong," one seeking atonement through him.

 

And I'd give some thought to whether there is any truth to either of those notions. If some part of you secretly wishes to not be with J? Well, listen to that so it's not some elephant in the corner poised to sabotage and further drill you into a shape where you look in the mirror and see "stupid" rather than what you are, which is "human." And if some part of you feels closest to J only when you feel supremely "stupid" or "wrong," I say listen to that as well, and then ask yourself if maybe there is another way you'd like to feel inside a relationship.

 

Just seems that you're almost more interested in him judging you, and judging you negatively, than accepting you. Whether that's something in you, friction from your different value systems, or the residue from your first go at a relationship where judgement and possessiveness were potent—well, I think that might all be worth exploring, in the vacuum of yourself, so you're not spinning out about this.

Link to comment

Bluecastle, thank you for your advice, instead of commenting on our differences so much. I battle a lot with self esteem and feeling inadequate. I think alot of J's demands in our first try makes me feel worse about this now, I felt very insecure the first time just due to differences. I have a bad past with relationships so Im finding it hard to process how amazing J is to me and I think I ran because of that.. After what happened with. S it is all amplified because I hurt him. I suppose I have a lot of guilt about not giving him full disclosure, I have held back because I dont want to make him insecure over something that turned out to not mean anything, I am afraid he will leave me because I feel as though I left him for S, I know there was other issues but still. I also just feel as though Ive lied and I dont want him to find out elsewhere, if he ever asked me if i had feelings I would tell him I thought I did at one point but I feel bad for not doing it on my own, but Im not sure if its due to my own conscious, or like you said i feel i deserve to be left because he is so loyal

Link to comment

Rose, I actually took out the nose piercing and got my tongue after we broke up, I got a new wrist tatto after too.. needless to say I was sort of acting out because I felt 'free to do what i want'. I got another thigh tattoo a few months ago, and he actually said 'Well your body your choice, which took me back after what he had said about my others. It isnt bad' I dont have anything satanic or anything, the thigh tattoo was actually for him but I didnt tell him I had it till he asked. (He saw it on my Facebook)

Link to comment
Im not trying to change him, as I said I have made it very clear that I support him and as much as he is religious, he is with me and still knows that I am agnostic and still trying to figure out what i believe. I dont try to pull him away from his family or beliefs, I just found it unfair he could judge my appearance and try to control me instead of just breaking up if he was unhappy, which is what I did at the time. We have both grown a lot this last year and compromised a lot, but I havent asked him or expected him to change.

 

It's not about trying to change him. The problem is deeply seeded, very personal beliefs vs. non-beliefs. It's like oil and water and the two don't mix. You don't have personal, very fundamental core values and beliefs in common whatsoever which is the major issue. It's not rocket science to observe Christians dating and marrying other Christians, agnostics doing the same, other religions have the same situation with being with alike people, alike relationships and alike marriages within their faith or with others, non-faith. Birds of a feather flock together. Be evenly yoked.

 

The problem is, you can't relate to a person if you don't have religion or non-religion in common. From the start, your lifestyle and brains are already vastly different. Both of you are not on the same page nor in lockstep which is required in majority if not all relationships and marriages. I'm sure there are exceptions out there but the majority of couples have a lot in common for obvious reasons.

 

Remain practical and realistic. This mindset will save you a lot of angst, trouble, grief and hassle. Stop wasting your time and energy on a man who is the complete opposite of you.

Link to comment
Rose, I actually took out the nose piercing and got my tongue after we broke up, I got a new wrist tatto after too.. needless to say I was sort of acting out because I felt 'free to do what i want'. I got another thigh tattoo a few months ago, and he actually said 'Well your body your choice, which took me back after what he had said about my others. It isnt bad' I dont have anything satanic or anything, the thigh tattoo was actually for him but I didnt tell him I had it till he asked. (He saw it on my Facebook)

 

I think it's best to let things run its course if it's too painful to face right now. It may take you some time to process everything. Like I mentioned, it may be his personal tastes. There are plenty of individuals who don't agree with any body modification and it has very little to do with faith regardless of what the bible teaches. I think using one's faith to persecute and hurt others is wrong. It's my belief that we are all children of God and it's not for us to judge others based on skin deep looks. God comes knocking when we least expect it and I think if we close our hearts and minds prematurely, we lose by not listening carefully or being able to see others the way we want to also be seen. It pays to keep your eyes and ears open and remain kind to others.

 

It sounds like you're very, very invested in this relationship if those tattoos have anything to do with him. Slow down for a bit and don't keep investing in the wrong people if they don't make you feel good overall. Honour your body and do what you please but never do it for anyone else or to take it out on yourself or act out of character to prove a point. It's not worth it. I think you're hurting yourself more. Take a time out and practice more self-love, venerate you, honour you.

 

I also want to touch on loyalty because you mentioned it in your response to Bluecastle. Loyalty comes in many forms, not just whether someone doesn't cheat on you or look at other women. It's also in the form of shared beliefs and support for those beliefs. It means loyalty to one's self most of all without compromising your own beliefs. If you feel the need to remove a piercing or pressure to get or not to get a tattoo or as if you are acting out against some ideology, this isn't loyalty. He is not loyal to himself and he is not loyal to you. He's going against his grain dating you and I think that's when cracks start to show later on. Both of you are testing your limits and what loyalty means. Be careful who you pick in relationships. Loyalty does not just mean romantic loyalty. It comes in many forms and all levels of a relationship and most of all to one's self and their beliefs.

Link to comment

I dont know. Its been better this time, we have both grown a lot. I am just holding a lot of resentment against myself for not telling him about my feelings for S. I dont want to lie, but I also dont want to fuel insecurity over something I realized wasnt really there... but I also did sort of have 'gigs' as we were arguing, not seeing eachother and S was more compatible but I realized I didnt care

Link to comment

Liza.

What does this mean? Serious question.

 

"He is a hardcore Christian, "

 

Then again, maybe not. Religious discussion is discouraged on this site, as is preaching.

 

Not everyone is a believer.

 

And:

 

"It also doesnt help that his mother and friends werent too fond of me because im 'not spiritually strong'".

 

Very judgmental and MOST unChristian!

Link to comment

I'll just be blunt - when it comes to guys and dating, your picker is still as broken as ever.

 

Controlling, criticizing, telling you who to be, how to be, what to read, etc - these, by definition, are not good qualities in any person, let alone a person you date. This is your huge flashing neon sing to drop the guy like a hot rock and run for the hills. Being religious doesn't make him a good person either, not automatically and he has already demonstrate bad character traits.

 

The idea that today is less bad and dysfunctional than yesterday is again not a good way to judge compatibility and quality of a relationship or the partner. On a deep fundamental level, people don't actually change, they just learn how to hide their lesser aspects and bide their time to reveal them again.

 

My advice to you is what I know you don't want to hear - dump and get rid of both guys, be single and get some counseling and explore some self help to fix your picker. You have no idea what a healthy connection is at the moment and if you carry on as is, you will pay a very steep price for it.

Link to comment

You don't owe anyone an explanation of what happened when you were not with them, it's TMI.

 

Mr Christian seems a bit immature. Stop changing for him. The only reason you think he's a good guy is because he didn't try to have sex right away.

 

However, he's not a good guy for stringing you along so he can slum it a bit before he marries a christian virgin. He's not good for you. You're just in a state of flux lonely and searching to find yourself.

I dont know. Its been better this time, we have both grown a lot. I am just holding a lot of resentment against myself for not telling him about my feelings for S. I dont want to lie, but I also dont want to fuel insecurity over something I realized wasnt really there... but I also did sort of have 'gigs' as we were arguing, not seeing eachother and S was more compatible but I realized I didnt care
Link to comment

I definitely dropped S already, J wouldnt be comfortable with that again and I dont think its smart, as I dont keep in touch with any of my other ex's.

& Wise, yes You are right but I essentially left J due to not just compatibility but because of those feelings for S, like I feel like I left him for someone else, and realized it was awful. Does he not need to know that? I mean I have proved my love over this last year for sure but I feel undeserving, maybe thats because of how I felt before though

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...