She No Longer Exists

“I met one girl who came into my life and fit right in just as if she was a personal puzzle piece. At the time, I thought I had finally found the person I was meant to be with to create memories with and be a family of our own. I recall her even being the first woman I actually proposed to and started actually making plans for us to actually move in together.

Instead in 2008, I ended up alone and feeling abandoned. However, I gave it a go alone. I did what I could and I did my best to handle mentally to keep myself happy, even though I felt like my dream was broken into pieces. I want to share my life with someone too, I’m not a person who should have to spend my life alone too.” From The Unlock – Harts Vs. The-Dream

I don’t know if you and I would ever talk again. What I do know is that when I met you that one night at a local restaurant while you were serving us, is that I couldn’t believe what I was seeing to the point were I was speechless. I mean my best friend had to pretty much knock some common sense into me because I was unable to talk straight.

It’s a real shame that a year ago was the last time we talked ____________. When we did, things were brought up that started again pulling on heartstrings. I’m not sure if you had that same effect. Maybe, you did to some degree and that’s why we were talking again. I will admittedly say, there are days I wonder if you still think about me in the same way as before.

Anyways, I recall when you took me to the local store in went and we went to the baby toy section. This made me wonder, why in the hell are we in this aisle? But I watched you, as you picked up items and showing them to me with the brightest smile I’ve ever seen come across a person’s face before. In shock, I still asked, why did you take me into that aisle and replied telling me that someday, you would like for us to start our own family and that you were not afraid to join me in that adventure.

I recall the day I proposed to you. I didn’t have the best ring at the time, because well, I wasn’t making a any real money just yet. I got on one knee, and I looked at you. Didn’t even see it coming, and I didn’t know if you really were ready to be asked. But I did it anyways, while I did it, you smiled at me just as bright as you did before and said yes.

As you went away for school, we talked and kept contact. You wrote letters to me of how you felt, including sharing our inside jokes and poking fun at each other. I was feeling high on the clouds and kept thinking to myself that things are starting to actually work out for me. Plus I thought, this isn’t just a girl to be used as a trophy, this is a girl who wasn’t perfect that actually adores me and wants her and I to be a team.

As time went on, feelings got deeper, but also challenges started to occur. Those letters you wrote to me, well… I’ve never gotten most of them. We had to deal with your mother and stepfather’s approval of you dating me simply because, you were Caucasian and I was African American. To put this very short, you were not sure that your family would approve of you being heavily involved in a interracial relationship and beyond.

One night, you and I met up with friends of mine at a local restaurant to hang out, have fun, and stay out trouble. While we both were hanging out and enjoying our time, you received a text message on your cell from your parents questioning you. We had quickly figured out they had decided to follow you after you had already told them you who I was and were we were hanging out.

After texting back and forth, we agreed on having a meeting at another table in the restaurant to talk over things. I knew you were afraid and but I also knew you were determined to make your case as long as I walked with you through it. We all sat down at the table and the first thing that came out was…

Why did you hide that you and him are really in a relationship and hide it from the family? I had stepped in stated to them because your daughter ____________ stated to me some racist remarks about black people moving into our town Florissant and how they were causing the city to go down hill. There were other things that were said as well, so we thought it was best to deliver the news at a later time.

After I spoke my reasons (which I really didn’t have to but I did for you) the conversation flipped with them stating “we would never have a problem with any of that” “that’s not how we look at black people” the whole XYZ. Then they wanted an apology as if you were the person that caused the offense when they wanted to play victim. So I got a good understand how your relationship was with your family members. Either way, I still wanted to be next to you, I still made the choice to do so. I know that night was tough, but we made it through.

Our relationship kept growing along with memories of our ups and downs being created. When we broke up by your choice, I always thought that your parents who are a major part of your life made you believe that being with a black man was going to be no good and that they wanted a better future for their daughter. I recall you telling me that they used reasons from the internet to make their point.

We broke up and then got back together. We broke up again, then got back together. All the ends and restarts started to put my mental health into troubles of anxiety, depression and anger. Reason why, because I felt deep down that even though you made the choice to end things and end things every single time with me, it was your mother and stepdad real choice and they wanted it to happen at all costs.

This made me believe that you were forced between choosing the love of your life or your family which you lived under their roof. Who was in control of your heart ___________? You, or your parents? Then started the on and off again unstable friendship that you and I had. We would be friends for weeks and then it would all go to as soon as heartstrings were being pulled. (You started bring up memories that would bring back feelings and questions of “what if’s”)Knowing that I still had strong feelings for you, I definitely had a very hard time trying to keep my feelings in check. What I found out from you during this time, was that you were very unhappy. In fact, you couldn’t even see me if wanted to because the anger of how your mother and stepfather wanted you to feel because they were no longer under approval of us being together as a couple. You felt all the deep pain and suffering of wanting to be back with me but did not act on it simple so you can please your mother and stepfather at all cost. This was even if that meant hurting me as well.

Years went on and you ended up meeting someone new. Whom you are now married too and claim that you are happy in love with out in Indiana. Not only do you have a life with him, but you have a life with family members from your actual dad’s side of the family, whom you haven’t seen in years. You are now creating memories with all of them without me.

The last time we talked, I was reminded how much pain and suffering you went through during are time apart when you knew you wanted to be back with me. Even though people disagreed with this by being unsupportive about the idea, you still felt the pain of losing me and also the fact that your own mother and stepfather were completely okay with you feeling that way instead of being with me, where you were happy and you could be yourself without having to have mother and stepfather’s approval.

I thought that you coming to this realization would open your mind and heart to be completely honest with yourself and realize who you really are truly in love with and make your choice to take my hand again. I was wrong. Not only did you realize it was time to step away from your mother and stepfather, you also choose to call this fate and never return back to me because you are content. You are content with your life as it is and where it stands now.

I just going to be 100% real with you ______________, all of my family members, and close circle of friends know that I love you. I know you aren’t completely happy as you say you are for reasons you know the answers to. I just am completely disappointed and will always be hurt how things turned out. Where is the girl that used to look at me with the same bright smile as before? Where is the girl that wanted me to be next to her through up and downs?

I now have to believe in the consistent answer with my time on earth … that you no longer exist. The only thing that remains is what hangs on my walls in my home in a not so easy to find place:

Tim…

I just want you to know that I’m sorry for how things happened between us. You have no idea how much heartache and heartbreak, I also went through. It wasn’t easy for me by any means. I loved you so so much, with everything I had at that time. It disgusts me, hurts me, and angers me even more that my mother and stepdad manipulated the situation to go how they wanted so they stayed in control. That they were ok seeing me so hurt and conflicted, they were ok lying to me, just to keep us apart. It’s sick and just confirms even more I’ve made the right decision in eliminating them from my life about 3 years ago. But again, I cannot express how sorry I am and how much I wish I could take your pain that you’ve felt over these years. If I could, I would do it in a heartbeat. No matter where life takes me or what happens you will always be a part of me, you were the first and only man I truly loved other than my husband. I think of you daily and I don’t think that will ever go away, we were planning our life and that didn’t fit into someone else’s plan so was destroyed-that’s not something one just forgets. I wish you well and hope more than anything you find complete undeniable happiness

You’ve got to let her go. As long as she’s got your heart reserved no one else can ever get in and going by the tone of her reply, she never asked you to reserve that space and would probably be sad that you were.

I know a lot of people struggle to let go of past loves, but it is the kindest thing you can do for yourself (and yes, you can be mindful and let go of love. Not instantly, but definitely doable)

That was beautifully written OP,

I think you said all you could say to her. Her response was kind. What are the next steps for you? You need to think about that, seeing she’s no longer in your life. You need to find yourself again. Often we lose ourselves or a bit of ourselves in relationships. So to fully mend before dating, get into your hobbies more. Take time to relax and enjoy reconnecting with yourself.

The perfect girl is out there for you. Consider your ex a lesson you needed to have along your journey.

Thank you for the responses. I will have say that I wrote this out to simply show what I went through to fight for a relationship with her and yet she still ended up leaving me due to her family. I was trying to showcase the fact that the girl who wanted to have a family and live life with me decided to put her to death in order to make everyone happy instead of truly make herself happy. I was hoping to also hear other view points other than people telling me "I need to get over her and move on with my life..." I wanted someone to share some understanding of why this was a post and the fact that racism is so powerful that it can rip apart people who care about each other due to love. Does anyone have any other thoughts besides telling me to get over this person?

You can call it racism, social class differences, differences in background, culture etc. It's been going on for thousands upon thousands of years before there was even a word for it. The plain truth of it is is that this person didn't accept you either and it's enough of blaming mummy and daddy. I think you've put her on a pedestal for a long time but both of you weren't able to sort out those differences in background and it just didn't work.

When we start building a serious relationship with someone, it's often the whole package whether it's family, pets, debt, mental health issues, physical health issues or any other problems and perks that come with that relationship.

I think you can make a choice for yourself whether to remain a passenger or passive in this spaceship or whether you want to actually drive the thing on your own and start determining how you want to pick people who are more worthy of your time and patience and love. Becoming bitter is the easy route. Wallowing is easy. Blaming others is very, very easy.

Regardless of what's going on in her personal life, having any other contact or clandestine letters or emails or messages passing back and forth while she's married is wrong. Start making better choices and don't entertain individuals who have made you an option they can opt out of if it's inconvenient.

I hope you find healing and peace.

Sometimes we end up marrying for the sake of it, all wrong reasons, society pressures, family pressures, peer pressures and many more.

What we need to be taught from a very young age are boundaries, respecting other person's wishes, their choices, respecting our choices for bad or worst we are responsible for it. You have the power to correct things that would cause harm to others and yourself too.

Please move on from this cause believe me that is the best decision you will make today. Past need to be left there...march ahead to new fresh beginnings.

[ATTACH]11645[/ATTACH] Funny.... She reached out to me while she’s married. I didn’t respond to this at all. She’s married, why reach out to me if she’s supposed to be happy with him? Crazy right?

"You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, in a moment they can choose to walk away.... love 'em anyway."

Sometimes life throws at us everything we've ever wanted, someone and something that is just what we need at the time. We can give it our all and both sides try to make it work. But then it ends. The paid is unbearable and we wonder what happened. I wish I knew what to tell you, why something as silly as race should get between two people who love each other. For whatever reason, she wasn't able to put aside the pressure her family placed on her. She probably still cares for you and so wants to know how you are. When you share such a deep bond, that won't go aware even if you are with someone else. The key is what boundaries you place on things so you don't make things worse for yourselves.

Don't get discouraged by this. As sad as things may have turned out, be grateful for the time you had together. Take the positive and always remember the good times you had together. Even if the love was just a supernova that blazed quickly and was over, it was special and worth it. You are a better person for having gone though it and someday you'll find what you are looking for.

It's easy to say to get over someone, harder in practice though. When you really do find the person that compliments you but can't be together, how do settle for anything else?

"You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, in a moment they can choose to walk away.... love 'em anyway."

 

Sometimes life throws at us everything we've ever wanted, someone and something that is just what we need at the time. We can give it our all and both sides try to make it work. But then it ends. The paid is unbearable and we wonder what happened. I wish I knew what to tell you, why something as silly as race should get between two people who love each other. For whatever reason, she wasn't able to put aside the pressure her family placed on her. She probably still cares for you and so wants to know how you are. When you share such a deep bond, that won't go aware even if you are with someone else. The key is what boundaries you place on things so you don't make things worse for yourselves.

 

Don't get discouraged by this. As sad as things may have turned out, be grateful for the time you had together. Take the positive and always remember the good times you had together. Even if the love was just a supernova that blazed quickly and was over, it was special and worth it. You are a better person for having gone though it and someday you'll find what you are looking for.

 

It's easy to say to get over someone, harder in practice though. When you really do find the person that compliments you but can't be together, how do settle for anything else?

I really enjoy your input on this. I appreciate everyone’s as well too. I didn’t reply back to her because I felt she’s not REALLY looking to work anything out. She’s married and I don’t want to break up a home she created with the other guy. If she wanted to be back with me, she would make efforts to do it on her own without my help. You can tell I still love her just by me talking... but its the truth. Nothing more i can do but make steps to keep moving on.