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Thread: Is My Sister Making Excuses?

  1. #1
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    Is My Sister Making Excuses?

    My younger sister reached out to me about a month ago saying she was not doing well.

    A little background: She's 29 and living in the northern Midwest with her boyfriend and her boyfriend's mom. They have been living with, and living off of his mom for several years. My sister has been a supervisor at a party supplies store but was recently laid off due to COVID. She's been on unemployment for a few months now. Her boyfriend, also 29, hasn't had a job in quite a while. He thinks he's going to make it big as a gaming streamer on Twitch, so he spends all day doing that. (I've previously warned her about that part before). His mom works and pays most of the bills for the house. His mom is the only one with a car as well. So basically, my sister and her bf are almost 30 and still living like teenagers. His mom doesn't seem to care and has been enabling it.

    So when my sister contacted me, she told me that she's upset because she caught her boyfriend talking sexually with another girl through online. This is the 3rd time he's done this in the past few years. She said she wants to move out but has nowhere to go.

    I live in the South and we have another sister that lives here too. Her and I talked about our sister up north and how much of a toxic and unhealthy situation she is in. The sister in my city has offered for her to move here to the south and stay at her house because she has a lot of extra room. She has said she is welcome to come and be herself but she'll eventually have to get a job and get on her own feet.

    So she's been somewhat interested in this option but has repeatedly brought up several concerns about COVID and the lifestyle here. She is hesitant because she says it's a big change. I've told her that is is going to be an adjustment but anything is better than what she has going on right now.

    She seemed rather on board about the idea until yesterday. Sh's like, "Well I want to come, but COVID is on the rise and I'm telling you, I haven't left my house AT ALL in months and I'd like it to stay that way until the virus is over." She says she's not interested in leaving her house to have another job outside of the home until the virus is over and is looking for opportunities online to make money. I understand that because that is what I have done but I've worked hard for a couple of years to gain certain skills to be able to work and offer services online.

    But I told her that her unemployment isn't going to last forever. She understands that but she says she wants to wait until it runs out and then she'll get a job outside of the home only if she absolutely has to, and THEN she might think about moving down here. She says it's too much of a risk to her health to move down here right now.

    Meanwhile our other sister that lives here is getting fed up with her stalling and excuses. She's offering for her to move down here right now, not "maybe, whenever she feels like it, IF she gets desperate for money someday"


    So I'm wondering, is using COVID as her reason for hesitating a reasonable excuse? I understand there's concerns but I'm thinking she might not really be that interested in getting out of her situation.

    I just don't know why she would rather stay there and be cuckolded by her man and keep living off of his moms and whatever she's getting on unemployment.

    Is it a lost cause?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She's 30. Let her run her own life. She seems to like playing victim and enjoys doing a lot of help rejecting complaining. You simply need to butt out and let her sleep in the bed she makes for herself.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I wouldn’t move during COVID especially somewhere riddled with cases. Just nope.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sounds like she was fishing for money not solutions.

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    It does sound like your sister is living an immature life and the boyfriend is a dropkick. However unfortunately it's her life so you can't really tell her what to do or how to live. But if after COVID she doesn't pull herself together then you and your other sister don't have to keep helping her and babying her. As you said, she's almost thirty and she hasn't done much for herself.

  7. #6
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    She sounds like a prima donna who has been supported for several years and doesn't fancy the idea of becoming gainfully employed and independent. Lots of people are working during the epidemic, and at her age, she's not likely to get anything too severe even if she does get the virus.

    What guarantee is there that if she moved in with your sister she would work on becoming financially stable?

    My advice is to leave her to her own decisions. If she wants to stay with a useless boyfriend and a woman who is ok with supporting the two of them, that's her choice. If she's that unhappy with her situation, she'll find a way to get out of it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You're a good sister, and I understand your heart is in the right place.

    ... is using COVID as her reason for hesitating a reasonable excuse?
    Yes, and it's good that you're asking. I'd avoid pressuring sis, or you'll damage your relationship for zero payoff. You'll leave yourself nowhere to go with her, and that's not really what you want.

    There's no way that I'd drive in my car, much less fly, to a Covid hotspot--or anywhere else that would require me to use a public rest room along the way. This thing is not the flu.

    Don't overplay your hand. Hearing a problem doesn't obligate you to solve it. Asking for advice, just as you are doing, doesn't obligate anyone to follow it.

    Don't force someone you love into a premature situation, or they will resent you and resist confiding in you going forward. That can serve to isolate her rather than actually help her when she actually needs the help. That only embeds her deeper into the problem.

    You might believe that you have the answers, but they need to come from her, and not you. So ask questions instead of offering answers. Let sister hear the answers come from her own mouth. THAT is when she's more likely to act on the answers.

    Respect is the best possible help you can offer, and sis is lucky to have you.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Probably a bit of both.

    In terms of covid - each person is different. Some people are completely panic stricken and immobilized while others are in complete denial it exists and pretty much every variation in between the extremes. In short, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt on the fear factor and let it go.

    In terms of cheating bf - she probably is a bit in denial, wanting to fix, save, work it out, whatever and so not that eager to leave even though she is living in hell. Until she accepts for herself that he is beyond redemption, she probably will not or will be hesitant to leave him. Thing is that you have to give her that space to reach that point on her own. If you try to force the issue with her, she might yield and come but it will leave her very vulnerable to his begging lies and charm and she is liable to run to him again and wreck her life even worse for many more years. For her to leave successfully, it has to be a decision she arrives at completely on her own and without outside pressure.

    The best thing you can do really is just tell her that the door is open if she needs it and let her sort out if/when she wants to walk through it. On that note, don't be her shoulder to cry on or free therapist. Every time she starts up, just interrupt her with she is always welcome to come to you and then change the subject. Don't become her pressure release valve in the sense that she cries to you, feels better, returns to her cheating bf and carries on as is over and over.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    The offer of help has been made to northern sister so leave it with her. Stop asking her to move near you and other sister. Northern sister is a grown woman and it's up to her to figure out what she wants in her life. She must be reasonably content to live with the slug of a bf and his enabling mother or she'd have been long gone.

    Stay out of it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Bad habits and toxic relationships aren't always easy to get up and walk away from.

    Breakups are always a process. She knows she needs to leave but just pulling the trigger to make that happen may seem insurmountable at times.

    Add in moving and starting over the only life she knows in the midst of a pandemic might seem insurmountable.

    I get your frustration and it may partly be and excuse.

    But it may very well be and excuse for time while she comes to terms with the challenge she needs to face while at a time in her life she feels at her lowest and is trying to gather her strength.

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