Originally Posted by undertheivy
I went down a rabbit hole while researching and somehow wound up on some other things like personality disorders and narcissism. The more I looked into them the more those seemed to fit her well too.
I get how these sorts of rabbit holes can provide some comfort—and, hey, perhaps those diagnostic terms have a place here. That said, I think there's an even simpler way to understand her, which is that she's a pretty immature and shallow adult who gets through the business of living with some pretty rudimentary coping mechanisms. She kind of views the world the way teenagers do, where everything is dramatic and everything is about them, like a rock star who skips the part where they make incredible music and goes straight to the part where they have an audience to reward their angst 24/7.

I get that you're concerned about her, and that that concern is sincere. But I also think you're just annoyed at being cast as audience member, a mirror, feeling that the person you call your "best friend" isn't really much of a friend, or at least a friendship that fosters positive growth in you. You've known her for a while. During that time you've been growing up, shedding husks, moving further into yourself. She, on the other hand, has stayed put, growing into an obsessive, wounded juvenile state that most people grow out of. So your relationship with her, at this point, requires you to slip back into an adolescent set of feelings and behaviors, indulging in a version of yourself that makes you disappointed in yourself.

Codependency stuff, in short.

Why is her drama so compelling to you? What do you get from engaging in it, trying to quell it, labeling it and her as "deep"? Do you feel that her perpetual spiraling reflects something back to you that makes you uncomfortable? Do you feel that being able to slow the spiraling would make you feel better about yourself? Do you feel that remaining connected to someone so lost reinforces a self-conception that you are more found? Do you feel you'd be more lost, and have to confront that, if the album of her troubles were not playing at such a high volume in your life? Do you feel guilty "using" her as a distraction from your own troubles? Questions along those lines might be worth exploring a bit, to shift the spotlight from her and onto yourself, the only thing in this world you have any real control over.

It is so very hard to set boundaries with people we love. Harder, still, when we have lost the ability to genuinely respect the way people we love live their lives. Looking in from the outside, that's kind of what I see here. You care very much for her, but over the years have lost respect for her and the way she copes. At this point, peace may be found in respecting that jagged truth rather than through trying to will a different, more palatable truth into being through weekly engagement of the sort that has become routine, and draining. Getting Ready for a First Date