Likelihood of reconciliation down the road from female dumper (26M, 23F)?

I (M26) took my gf (F23) of 1.5 years for granted and neglected her during the last month of our relationship (long-distance due to COVID) after getting burnt out from work, and did not give off the amount of excitement to see her that she expected after both of us returned to the city and I met her parents. She also had a few lingering doubts that I only loved her out of convenience previously since I had prioritized work / career stuff over her at times in the past, and took longer to emotionally open up to her as this was my first ever serious relationship. She felt like I did not put in enough effort, and said maybe we are just incompatible. I will note that she was conflict avoidant and we had 1 fight during our entire time together. She also mentioned me potentially going to grad school in 1+ years as another factor. She did not talk to me about love language (which I did not know existed) until 1 year into the relationship this January, and subsequently she felt February was much better as we spent more time together and had an anniversary trip. We then entered a 4 month LDR due to the quarantine, which combined with my work stress killed our momentum and made emotional detachment easier.

She broke up with me without a fight or any sort of warning. After I was too busy to see her 3 days after meeting her parents (only sparsely texted her, and tried to call her once but she did not pick up), she decided to break up with me the next time we were supposed to meet 1v1. I was too blindsided and shocked to respond well, and just accepted her decision while mumbling how I always loved her. We had a follow up conversation 1 week later to discuss, where I did the following:

- clarified a few misunderstandings

- apologized for my grave mistakes, showed regret + remorse, and asked for forgiveness, citing my lack of relationship experience and immaturity for my mistakes

- Got a bit heated in asking her why she never told me about her unmet needs, and why she never communicated when she was unhappy ("why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?" "why couldn't we have had this cathartic conversation 24 hours before the breakup so I would have known about these problems and have had a chance to prove to you I could change?")

- told her how I really feel about her (first true love) and the reasons why I love her

- proposed 4 tangible changes to our relationship to make this work and offered time for us to think about it.

She turned me down at each juncture, as it seemed like she had her mind made up ("apply what you learned to the next girl" - telling me to move on). It's unclear how much of this was due to her feeling the relief stage after dumping me. Some of my takeaways from what she told me during this conversation:

- She had a few lingering concerns about the relationship that she never communicated (how she thought I was dating her only b/c my friends were all in serious relationships, how I was not putting in enough effort) - apparently she was not happy in January which was news to me; however, she only made up her mind to break up with me Wednesday of that week (3 days after I met her parents), with the actual breakup conversation taking place Friday. She claimed that she was going to talk to me about her doubts on Friday anyways, but that she was so mad at me that she decided to pull the trigger

- She told no one about her doubts all along; her best friends which I had met numerous times apparently all disagreed with her initial decision to break things off that way (probably due to lack of communication)

- She thought I was about to break up with her due to the neglect (I was not, I was suffering burnout syndrome and was in an antisocial rut from being cooped up at home alone for too long)

- She felt that maybe we were incompatible (I disagreed, saying that these problems could have been solved with better communication)

- She felt like I prioritized work and other life obligations stuff over her, and that maybe she just wanted to be in a situation where she was always prioritized first. (I admitted that I was wrong, and said that the breakup showed me the necessity of better time management and prioritization from me); however, I had hoped the entire time that she would understand, given she is a consultant who traveled 4 days per week for work pre-COVID, which limited the amount of time we could spend together

- She was not willing to give me a chance despite this being the first time I was aware of these issues ("don't want be in a situation where I have to see if a guy really changed or not")

- She originally was very mad at me and told me that we shouldn't be friends either. After hearing my side of the story, she must have felt guilty and asked if I could see a path to friendship down the road (I told her I wasn't sure if or when, since this was my first breakup)

- She said that her mind was mostly made up, but that if I had reacted in a more passionate / strong way during the original breakup conversation maybe her mind would have changed. (I told her that blindsiding me in the lawn of a crowded park was a terrible spot to do it as I got anxiety attacks during the breakup)

- She was mostly monotone for the conversation, with 2 exceptions - she got really angry when I mixed up her secondary and primary love languages (swapped them in order), and she started crying when we started catching each other up on our new apartments during the middle of the conversation ("I just realized how easy it could be for us to go back to the way things were")

- At the end, she said she loved me and cared for me, but that we should both move on and try to heal from this; she also wanted me to keep her updated on how big life events for me go (e.g., grad school admissions)

In hindsight, there were problems with our relationship like a imbalanced dynamic that probably led me to take her for granted and for her to be afraid to communicate (I was 2.5 years older than her, and was more mature / developed than her in career, self-esteem, hobbies - the only area I was less mature than her in was relationships and being open with emotions). However, if the trust and emotional connection can be restored, I feel like I know what I need to do to make this work (along with additional self-improvement goals I have set for myself post BU).

My ex is a reasonably mature and level-headed person, but definitely has immature tendencies (when she [falsely] thought her manager backstabbed her, she came to me as a crying trainwreck and needed me to calm her down for an hour). She is also close to her asian mother, who I could see giving her advice on never reconciling with an ex. Lastly, we both live in a large city, and I could see her being less willing to settle as someone only 2 years out of college - however, she is definitely a good girl (does not sleep around, and takes sex / intimacy / relationships relatively seriously). She is an amazing person in every regards besides her confidence, conflict avoidance and insecurities, and I feel like a reconciliation would totally be worth it if both of us recognized our mistakes and was mutually willing to make this work.

I am now 30 days past the breakup and 22 days NC. We still follow each other on social media (with all of our pictures together still up) though I have muted all of her BFF's accounts (she does not post much herself). Before I muted her BFF's accounts, their stories featuring her seemed to show her happy (with one story "celebrating" - most likely their new apartment, but possibly also the breakup). However, she still consistently views my instagram stories when I do post. My plan is to start trying to move on while doing either:

- indefinite no contact

- no contact for 3-4 months and see how I feel about her before reaching out to reconnect.

Given these situations, does anyone think it is likely for her to change her mind down the road given that part of her concerns for the breakup were invalid, and that I think she still loves me or is attached to me to some extent? Should I be doing anything different besides NC (e.g. should I reach out again 2 months NC to take her pulse, send a genuine apology letter)? Any thoughts would be appreciated!

You had no idea you were taking her for granted and neglecting her until she told you?

I did not. The taking her for granted and neglect was during the last 2-3 weeks of the relationship, though it may have gradually started earlier. I was so stressed out from work (65-70 hour virtual workweeks for past 3 months), having to figure out a move by myself, having to work on grad school apps, and having to figure out how to live again in the city after spending 4 months at my parents. In hindsight, what I was doing was unacceptable, but I was too deep in a burnout rut to have realized at the time. However, I had mentioned to her previously a couple of times about how I felt so burnt out from work all the time and burnt out on life.

I think she gave me a sh*t test in late June that I failed. She offered to stop calling every day if I was busy, and though I objected, she stopped initiating calls. So we went from speaking daily to speaking only 2-3 times a week, to speaking only once a week during the last week of the relationship.

The first time she told me she felt like I was not putting in enough effort recently was during the initial breakup conversation.

It will be difficult to turn around months of neglect and taking her for granted. Right now, the way you behaved during the past few months is now her perception of you.

I think you should respect her wishes and move forward. She knows how to get ahold of you if she has second thoughts. However, if she reaches out to you it might not be a bad idea to suggest meeting for a no pressure coffee.

Got it, it is helpful to hear.

The only caveat is that I would argue that the first 2-3 months of the long distance COVID relationship were fine, things just broke down from early June to the breakup in mid July. Though she said she was not happy in January, I would not say that I neglected her or took her for granted completely - we were still doing weekend dates but it was possible that I could have gone the extra mile to show more affection. Things then turned around in February after she told me about love languages and after we were able to spend more quality time together (including a 4 day anniversary trip together).

Sorry to hear this. You seem quite sincere about her. However a relationship takes two and while you mentioned your downfalls she did not communicate clearly and laid all this down all at once. Keep in mind covid wreaks havoc with many relationships, people's health, jobs, finances, etc.

Also keep in mind that she may have started talking to others. When someone is this detached then comes on with a postmortem laundry list of what's wrong, they can have an eye on someone. Add to that the distance and tossing grad school in for good measures.

Do not take the pulse or write letters. Pull way back to sort and reflect for yourself and to give her space. Leave the door open if you wish but take some time to let hindsight become insight.

There is a valuable lesson to learn here, when you’re level of engagement with your partner drops in frequency to that of a friend, the relationship is probably done. Maybe you don’t have space in your life to do it justice, maybe you’re not as into her as you think you are, next time be mindful that regular contact is really important and prioritise it if you want to maintain the relationship in good condition. If I’d told my partner I was stepping back to give them space and been left sitting in the silence my heart would break too. It’s hard for me to fathom that someone might want me as much as I want them when the contact drops like that.

Still I’m sorry for your loss.

There is a valuable lesson to learn here, when you’re level of engagement with your partner drops in frequency to that of a friend, the relationship is probably done. Maybe you don’t have space in your life to do it justice, maybe you’re not as into her as you think you are, next time be mindful that regular contact is really important and prioritise it if you want to maintain the relationship in good condition. If I’d told my partner I was stepping back to give them space and been left sitting in the silence my heart would break too. It’s hard for me to fathom that someone might want me as much as I want them when the contact drops like that.

 

Still I’m sorry for your loss.

Yeah, I immediately realized what I did was stupid - my usual workaholicism wasn't a big deal b/c previously work was manageable but this time it was an extraordinarily busy and stressful period of 2 months that just got to my head. Given this context, is it even worth following up again post breakup (1-2 months NC) to demonstrate to her that my interest is real? Even after she told me in the 1 week-later convo that her decision is final and that we should both take some time to heal from this? One school of thought I have seen online is that you may need to chase harder if you took someone for granted / neglected them near the end.

Don't read all that get your ex back material. That is where you are getting these ideas about letters, etc

This is a case of a little too little a little too late. She's done. Don't harass or chase her.

Don't read all that get your ex back material. That is where you are getting these ideas about letters, etc

 

This is a case of a little too little a little too late. She's done. Don't harass or chase her.

I've seen other people on ENA say that sometimes when the girl thinks she's put in most of the effort during the relationship she won't be the one to initiate contact regardless of how she feels, since she feels like the guy has to put in more effort if they want to save the relationship. And that for a reconciliation to happen if it's possible that someone has to initiate down the road.

Obviously I wouldn't do it until I am in a better headspace, but that's where my thinking comes from - to potentially reach out again with a casual text after I've given her some space and distance to get away from her negative thoughts.

She has given you an absolute laundry list of reasons why she doesn't want to date you anymore.

It hurts to hear, I realize, but she is done and her romantic feelings are gone. Indefinite No Contact now. Time and space will help you heal and move forward to this new chapter in your life.

Again, that stuff is straight from "get your ex back, guaranteed!!!111" sites. Please do not follow the "program" those sites recommend. Those tactics do not work and they are easy to see through.

Please respect her wishes and do not trample all over them. Give her the opportunity to reach out if she chooses to. Otherwise you run the risk of making things worse.

Again, that stuff is straight from "get your ex back, guaranteed!!!111" sites. Please do not follow the "program" those sites recommend. Those tactics do not work and they are easy to see through.

 

Please respect her wishes and do not trample all over them. Give her the opportunity to reach out if she chooses to. Otherwise you run the risk of making things worse.

Thanks - I needed to hear that.

I think internally I keep getting confused since she said in our follow-up conversation the initial breakup conversation was a mini-sh*t test in a way (that if I had reacted more in a certain way maybe there was a small chance that she would have reconsidered), hence why my brain keeps telling me maybe what she needs is to see that I actually do care about the relationship. While she had some small doubts from earlier in the relationship, she said the actual decision was made through anger at me not showing the same level of excitement / engagement (making time for her) after being back in the same city after 3-4 months, and because she thought I was about to dump her - so it's hard to tell how what % of the BU happened due to impulse and what % was due to long term structural issues. But she also emphatically made it clear 1 week post BU in our follow-up conversation that she was not changing her mind, so I guess the odds are stacked against me even if I reach out several weeks after.

I think internally I keep getting confused since she said in our follow-up conversation the initial breakup conversation was a mini-sh*t test in a way (that if I had reacted more in a certain way maybe there was a small chance that she would have reconsidered), hence why my brain keeps telling me maybe what she needs is to see that I actually do care about the relationship.

Eh, I wouldn't assume she's being honest about that. That sounds more like her resentment speaking and wanting to get in one last jab. I highly doubt your reaction to the break-up would have changed much at all, since she already had several reasons for ending it that had nothing to do with your reaction to getting dumped.

All you can do is accept this gracefully now, and work on healing. She's been clear that she wants this to be over. It sucks, I know, but there's not much you can do when she's telling no in all these different ways.

Eh, I wouldn't assume she's being honest about that. That sounds more like her resentment speaking and wanting to get in one last jab. I highly doubt your reaction to the break-up would have changed much at all, since she already had several reasons for ending it that had nothing to do with your reaction to getting dumped.

 

All you can do is accept this gracefully now, and work on healing. She's been clear that she wants this to be over. It sucks, I know, but there's not much you can do when she's telling no in all these different ways.

Thanks - you're right at the end of the day. While a lot of her anger and negativity she carried from the BU conversation was defused in the follow-up chat when she realized she was wrong in her assumptions (probably from projecting her insecurities) and she definitely felt a lot guiltier about how she handled the situation, it is probably not enough for her to be willing to change her mind, at least any time soon.

I had a feeling in the back of my mind that indefinite NC was the move to go. Reading solid advice from the ENA community has helped me increase my conviction. Maybe she'll realize she could have handled things better (like communicating her issues / needs at any point before breaking up) or that she played a role in the breakup through projecting her insecurities during parts of our time together, but at the end of the day that's going to be a decision to be made on her schedule, not mine.

When you are the only one blowing air into the balloon, the balloon deflates.

it takes two people to keep the balloon inflated.

balloon==relationship

Yes, that is the best way to go.

I really hope you didn't pay money for one of those scam "programs". Those do not work and the so-called "testimonials" are fake.

You never know what the future will hold. One of my exes tried to get something going with me several years after the breakup. I had always called him "the love of my life who I'll love forever!!!!!" But when he came back I didn't want him anymore. Funny how that goes.