Need decrypting

hello!

So I've been on 2 dates with this guy, we both are divorced and around the same age and none of us have kids.

I am bad at decrypting messages or sometimes I take it too negative than it is intend to be. I need fresh eyes to give me some honest feedback on what he means by this.

To give a background, the chat was around what each one of us want from life and especially around travelling.

He said he would hope to find that person someday. To me, this sounded like he is looking for a short term relationship now and probably after a couple of years would want to settle down. So, I asked him if this is the case, for which he replied this.

"Im looking to find that person now, but Im not sure I want children, and even if I do its not soon, and if I have kids Im never going to stop traveling, Ive been to 100 countries and Im only gonna want to do more and take my kids and show them all the world has to offer, settling down doesnt mean getting married, buying a house, and never leaving, that would be hell for me, Im much more a go with the flow kinda person, but that doesnt mean I dont want to have a partner in life to enjoy the world we live in with"

I'm not really sure what he means.

-ta

Traveling is his priority. Kids are not. But if he had kids his wife would have to be fine with traveling constantly and not wanting to live in a particular community for any long period of time. He also needs someone who is flexible and happy to travel on a moment's notice.

Tanya.

I don't think he could have made it any clearer.

""Im looking to find that person now, but Im not sure I want children, and even if I do its not soon, and if I have kids Im never going to stop traveling, Ive been to 100 countries and Im only gonna want to do more and take my kids and show them all the world has to offer, settling down doesnt mean getting married, buying a house, and never leaving, that would be hell for me, Im much more a go with the flow kinda person, but that doesnt mean I dont want to have a partner in life to enjoy the world we live in with"

"

So, if you are up for the nomadic lifestyle, to "enjoy the world we live in" (as he puts it), then this is the man for you.

He's looking for an adventurous person who likes to travel, not necessarily live in one place for a long period of time.

Is this what you want? That's all that matters.

settling down doesnt mean getting married, buying a house, and never leaving, that would be hell for me

settling down doesnt mean getting married, buying a house, and never leaving, that would be hell for me, - this I agree with. It is indeed hell for me too. I am not a very domestic person but I WANT kids in the next 2 years. I don't know if he wants it. I cannot wait around for 4 years and realise he does not want kids.

Well, travelling who isn't excited about it.

Is this what you want? That's all that matters.

For me, marriage is important. I am not going to have a kid outside wedlock and I am also looking to have kids following that. I am not very keen on having a house.

settling down doesnt mean getting married, buying a house, and never leaving, that would be hell for me, - this I agree with. It is indeed hell for me too. I am not a very domestic person but I WANT kids in the next 2 years. I don't know if he wants it. I cannot wait around for 4 years and realise he does not want kids.

Well, travelling who isn't excited about it.

I would absolutely not date this person if you want kids within 2 years from now. Also understand that he most likely will not want to stop traveling just because you're pregnant and can't join him and likely will be reluctant to change his travel plans should you need any sort of fertility treatments/intervention.

Come on Tanya.

This is the man? (Yes, I am reading your earlier thread).

The second date was really long but it was 90% about his frustrations with his divorce process and custody of his kid. He seem to be pretty upset with the way his ex wife has left him, it appears she left him all of a sudden

He HAS been settled down, in a house, and has a child!! So, he has suddenly had this moment of illumination that to do the same again would be "hell" for him. Does he intend to have along his child on this worldwide pilgrimage he is planning.

Travel is wonderful, TRAVEL, notice I am saying, not a nomadic wandering life with children in tow.

You got good advice on the other thread, OP.

Aside from the fact this man is very recently out of a marriage, he isn't what you want.

I honestly don't follow you OP.

"For me, marriage is important. I am not going to have a kid outside wedlock and I am also looking to have kids following that. I am not very keen on having a house."

It is usual to have a roof over one's children's heads. Children need stability, steadiness and security.

She wrote that he does not have kids. Different guy??

Come on Tanya.

 

This is the man? (Yes, I am reading your earlier thread).

The second date was really long but it was 90% about his frustrations with his divorce process and custody of his kid. He seem to be pretty upset with the way his ex wife has left him, it appears she left him all of a sudden

 

He HAS been settled down, in a house, and has a child!! So, he has suddenly had this moment of illumination that to do the same again would be "hell" for him. Does he intend to have along his child on this worldwide pilgrimage he is planning.

 

Travel is wonderful, TRAVEL, notice I am saying, not a nomadic wandering life with children in tow.

 

You got good advice on the other thread, OP.

 

Aside from the fact this man is very recently out of a marriage, he isn't what you want.

No, I ended it. This is a new one.

She wrote that he does not have kids. Different guy??

yes, different one. I did not proceed with the earlier one for obvious reasons and after advice from the community here.

It sounds like he wants to be a free spirit and marriage and kids are not in the cards for him soon or at all. It's 2 dates so it may be time to reconsider if dating him further is worth your while.

For me, marriage is important. I am not going to have a kid outside wedlock and I am also looking to have kids following that. I am not very keen on having a house.

Well that's a relief, of sorts.

However, this present man wants a nomadic lifestyle, while you want marriage and children.

Even those of us who live in actual houses travel, and some of us quite a lot, for a variety of reasons. Having a house (a roof for your children) is no obstacle to travel.

So, what's the next step going to be, Tanya?

This is sounding like "Me and Bobby McGee" territory. Yet, Bobby did leave the road to go find that home.....

When my husband and I got back together after dating in the past he was 38 and I had just turned 39. At that point he technically lived in another state. The third time we met he asked me to get back together. We then had a direct discussion about what we wanted. I knew I wanted to try for a child (bio). So we decided - I would have to be willing to relocate given his chosen career. We only were dating again to see if we'd get married this time around. We both wanted children badly. We started trying to conceive, while still long distance, 1.5 years later. I got pregnant 1 year and three months after that. We got married a few months after that. Had we not had those very specific concrete plans I would never ,ever, have wasted a second of time at age 39 with someone who wasn't 110% into having a child. Not sure of your age but I was shocked I conceived without any intervention other than a haunted hotel. If you really want kids in 2 years -which means trying in about a year at the latest - this is not the guy.

So, OP, this present man (also a divorcé) said:

"settling down doesnt mean getting married". Well, he did get married, once.

Anyhow. You say you don't wish to have children out of wedlock, and this present man doesn't wish to marry.

I think it is all very clear, OP:

I WANT kids in the next 2 years. I don't know if he wants it. I cannot wait around for 4 years and realise he does not want kids.

Sounds like he's not going to be ready in your time frame:

Im not sure I want children, and even if I do its not soon

NEXT....

So, OP, this present man (also a divorcé) said:

 

"settling down doesnt mean getting married". Well, he did get married, once.

 

Anyhow. You say you don't wish to have children out of wedlock, and this present man doesn't wish to marry.

 

I think it is all very clear, OP:

Yes, that is a good point. He did get marry young and he said he took a 2 year break after he got separated too.

but I WANT kids in the next 2 years. I don't know if he wants it.

I'm not sure, really, what's confusing here. He was crystal clear with you about his headspace when it comes to kids, which is that he's not even sure if he wants them at all. Huge difference, right there, between the two of you, since in your ideal world you'll be pregnant, at the latest, 1 year and 3 months from today.

Assuming that is your genuine truth, I would take this moment to accept that it doesn't align with his genuine truth. Wonderful when adults can be this clear and intentional early, so there isn't a lot of confusion and drama.

For me, marriage is important. I am not going to have a kid outside wedlock and I am also looking to have kids following that.

Another miss:

getting married, buying a house, and never leaving, that would be hell for me

but then why does he say, even if he has kids he would like to take them around and show the world etc?

This is confusing, if he is being really CLEAR then he should not have added this extra info?

You want kids, but this man wants no part of a domestic life. Though he didn't come right out and say he didn't want children, he was clear about marriage, not wanting the responsibility of owning a home and wants to be free to travel.

So what would having a child with this man look like, hypothetically?

Not the point Tanya.

" even if he has kids he would like to take them around and show the world etc?

This is confusing, if he is being really CLEAR then he should not have added this extra info?"

The bottom line here is that you don't wish to have children out of wedlock and he doesn't wish to get married. I take it you have told him this straight out., that you will NOT have children out of wedlock. Nomadic or otherwise.

He's living in a confused fantasy world "he would like to take them around and show the world etc?"

. . . what would having a child with this man look like, hypothetically?

It will look like her doing all the work while he's off having fun and living his life.

Pass.

It will look like her doing all the work while he's off having fun and living his life.

 

Pass.