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Why did he disappear?


kiwistwbry

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Guy: Are you free Monday afternoon?

 

Me: Monday is full until 5. Weekdays are generally busy, with evenings being more possible. Weekends are best.

 

Guy: Ok. Sounds like we have opposite schedules this week. I will try to move some things around. Hope you enjoyed this amazing day.

 

Me: Gotta love the summers here for sure. Thank you also for being willing to move things around. As of right now work is pretty set making that my availability overall aside from any temp. rearrangements. Wed/Thu afternoon can be possible from 4PM but not this week. Weekends currently free from work making them the most flexible.

 

*After not hearing from him for 4 days I sent a follow up text.*

 

Me: Should I assume this week isn’t possible? I have other things I’d like to do if not. Planning at least 3 days ahead also helpful so I can arrange childcare.

 

*He replies just an hour later.*

 

Guy: Ok. Sorry. I was hoping Saturday would work but just don’t know yet. How about Tuesday? Want to get some take out and go to a park? I can do afternoon or evening. Also if you want to have your son come as well so you don’t have to get childcare that’s great too.

 

Me: It’s okay, I understand you’re busy. Take out at a park sounds great. However I already have a vet appt scheduled for my rabbit on Tue at 4:30, and due to different protocols I have ended up waiting a few hours before. I also have work right up until then. Wed/Thu works around 4:30. I really appreciate your flexibility regarding my son and will keep it in mind.

 

*I sent a follow up text after not hearing from him for 5 days.*

 

Me: My rabbit is pretty unwell, so I cancelled tomorrow’s appt to take him to a specialist on Wednesday afternoon instead. Last minute, but I thought I could mention tomorrow works if you’re still free. Luckily my mom just happens to be off that day and can watch my son. If not, Thursday still works too. I’m sorry planning have been such a challenge.

 

*He didn’t reply until the next morning, after my text was sent the previous day around 3PM.*

 

Guy: Sorry your rabbit is not well. I’m spending the day with my brother today.

 

Me: Totally understandable. I’ll assume Thursday is out too. Just let me know when you can give me more than one day to work with.

 

*It’s been 11 days since I’ve heard from him.*

 

Thoughts???

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Not hearing from him for days or until 3pm the next day. Meeting up in a park with take out? This is not a real date. He sounds incredibly wishy washy & won't make any solid plans with you. If he's not married, maybe he lives with a woman.

 

You haven't heard from him in 11 days. It's a true sign he has commitments with someone else.

 

I wouldn't be sitting by the phone on this one.

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Imo, the whole exchange reads like planning a business appointment on your part i.e. too clinical / business like. Plus, the last sentence you wrote reads like a veiled criticism imo. It may be that he felt that you are too high maintenance.

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You seem way too busy to date. It sounds like he just gave up .

 

That was my impression, too.

 

I realize your busy schedule isn't your fault, OP, but he's likely entertaining other options that are easier to plan with. Whatever his reasoning, you can assume he's lost interest. But what is the backstory here? Is he someone you've been dating a while? Someone you haven't yet met in person?

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Imo, the whole exchange reads like planning a business appointment on your part i.e. too clinical / business like. Plus, the last sentence you wrote reads like a veiled criticism imo. It may be that he felt that you are too high maintenance.

 

Hmm, never thought of that. I guess I was just trying to be specific because it was already seeming difficult to make plans. And yeah, the last sentence was me being irritated with him only giving me one day to work with both weeks (either a Monday or Tuesday) and then counting out the entire week because that ONE DAY didn’t end up working out. I was starting to feel like he just wasn’t putting forth the effort, including the delayed responses on his part and completely ignoring my Thursday option.

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That was my impression, too.

 

I realize your busy schedule isn't your fault, OP, but he's likely entertaining other options that are easier to plan with. Whatever his reasoning, you can assume he's lost interest. But what is the backstory here? Is he someone you've been dating a while? Someone you haven't yet met in person?

 

Yeah we do have opposite schedules. He works in a restaurant, so he works nights and weekends, which are the exact times I’m off. We haven’t been dating or anything like that. I’m a self employed dog walker and have been taking care of his dog for almost a year now. We built a connection over that time and were trying to get to know each other outside of my services since he wasn’t going to need dog care anymore, because his dog has gotten old enough now to just stay at home while he’s at work.

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You seem way too busy to date. It sounds like he just gave up .

 

Yeah I think we are both busy. But he also only gave me one day to work with. The first week was a Monday and the second week was a Tuesday. If he would’ve given me more options then we could have met. Don’t guys usually try another day if the first one doesn’t work? I did tell him I was available on Thursday... This is a genuine question. I don’t date a lot.

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I'd have given up, as it looks like he has. Everything that was suggested got knocked back in one way or another and the language used made it imply that you weren't very interested anyway. This day is possible, but not this week... this day is currently free... I have other things I'd like to do... planning 3 days ahead... all fair enough on your part, but when added together doesn't come across as someone who is available to date.

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I'd have given up, as it looks like he has. Everything that was suggested got knocked back in one way or another and the language used made it imply that you weren't very interested anyway. This day is possible, but not this week... this day is currently free... I have other things I'd like to do... planning 3 days ahead... all fair enough on your part, but when added together doesn't come across as someone who is available to date.

 

I really didn’t think I was coming across as too busy. I mean, I did say evenings and weekends worked. How is that not available enough? He only gave me one option each week, and I just happened to not be available those days. I was busy during the week just like he was busy BOTH weekends. And the Thursday option I gave got completely ignored. I am a single mom and he knows that... If anything I thought maybe the comment about my son could have freaked him out and that’s why he bailed. But he was the one who offered to have him join us, so...now I’m not too sure.

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Have you dated him in person before?

 

What is the context of your relationship to him, exactly?

 

We haven’t been dating or anything like that. I’m a self employed dog walker and have been taking care of his dog for almost a year now. We built a connection over that time and were trying to get to know each other outside of my services since he wasn’t going to need dog care anymore, because his dog has gotten old enough now to just stay at home while he’s at work. He also said he recently got demoted as a restaurant manager and is having to cut back on expenses.

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“Guy: Are you free Monday afternoon?

 

Me: Monday is full until 5. Weekdays are generally busy, with evenings being more possible. Weekends are best.”

 

Your answer to are you free Monday afternoon should have been a yes? And elaborate from 5pm?

 

But then you went on to tell someone you know works in hospitality that weekends are best for you? You surely would have assumed that’s not best for him?

 

Later you text him saying that there are other things you want to do if he is not free the weekend?

Which is basically telling him to commit now to something or don’t bother.

So, he didn’t bother.

 

It sounds like you have made things more difficult to meet by being very rigid in your answers.

 

At the end of the day you WERE free to meet on the Monday after 5?

 

No he is not interested in bending over backwards to meet someone he barely knows that gives him her fortnightly schedule that he has to work around.

 

All too hard it seems. So let it go.

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“Guy: Are you free Monday afternoon?

 

Me: Monday is full until 5. Weekdays are generally busy, with evenings being more possible. Weekends are best.”

 

Your answer to are you free Monday afternoon should have been a yes? And elaborate from 5pm?

 

At the end of the day you WERE free to meet on the Monday after 5?

 

I agree with all of the above as well.

 

Why not just say that you would be happy to meet him on that Monday evening and take it from there? Your response sounded like a brush-off.

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“Guy: Are you free Monday afternoon?

 

Me: Monday is full until 5. Weekdays are generally busy, with evenings being more possible. Weekends are best.”

 

Your answer to are you free Monday afternoon should have been a yes? And elaborate from 5pm?

 

But then you went on to tell someone you know works in hospitality that weekends are best for you? You surely would have assumed that’s not best for him?

 

Later you text him saying that there are other things you want to do if he is not free the weekend?

Which is basically telling him to commit now to something or don’t bother.

So, he didn’t bother.

 

It sounds like you have made things more difficult to meet by being very rigid in your answers.

 

At the end of the day you WERE free to meet on the Monday after 5?

 

No he is not interested in bending over backwards to meet someone he barely knows that gives him her fortnightly schedule that he has to work around.

 

All too hard it seems. So let it go.

 

This is why I hate texting. So many misunderstandings can happen along the way. I mean, I was just letting him know my availability. We just happen to have opposite schedules, but knowing each other’s off days could make scheduling easier? This is what I thought and why I told him my general work schedule. Not because I was expecting him to bend over backwards. I work until 5 almost every week day, and yet was willing to meet him in the evenings after a long day at work. I was willing to compromise too? He asked for Monday afternoon. I was working until 5, and would have to get ready first, which means I wouldn’t be available until evening time... I became frustrated with his delayed responses and lack of options.

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I agree with all of the above as well.

 

Why not just say that you would be happy to meet him on that Monday evening and take it from there? Your response sounded like a brush-off.

 

Really? Gosh, I feel terrible... I just assumed evening didn’t work for him that day because he suggested afternoon.

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Really? Gosh, I feel terrible... I just assumed evening didn’t work for him that day because he suggested afternoon.

 

The better response would have been something like, "I'm tied up until 5pm, but would love to meet after that. Does that work for you?"

 

No need to over-explain at that point.

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Yes. He knows all about your rabbit your mother your child your busy schedule etc.

You don't seem ready to date. Don't try to turn a client into a romantic situation if you have no time.

So you think I came across as not interested because I was busy the 2 days he gave me as options? This is a genuine question.
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So after reading all of this... Do any of you think this is reparable? And if so how?

 

I rather doubt it, as he sounds like he's already lost interest.

 

However, you could try actually calling him. You yourself said you don't like texting, so you could take the initiative and reach out and have a live conversation. See if he would like to meet on X day at X time. If he doesn't respond and doesn't call back, you'll have your answer.

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