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Thread: Serious? Limbo? What does he feel about me?

  1. #1
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    Serious? Limbo? What does he feel about me?

    So i (38)met this guy (35) a year ago on tinder. We had two very sweet dates, him kissing me in the end included, I wanted to take it slow though. For the third date he made me wait until we were supposed to meet to tell me that he was just getting out of work. (We work in the same town but live 40 km each in the other direction) but i had already decided to drive home, beeing quite angry about this.

    We are both from different european countries, im living in my homeland.

    I think he was upset too, but somehow we got ou of touch.

    I did think about him though quite a lot, but was kind of sticking to this „he needs to the next steps“ dating advices.

    Shortly after this my house burnt halfway down. Seriously. My dog woke me up in the early morning to a nightmare if smoke and fire.

    I spent the rest of the year and until recently to fix up my house and myself.



    Still i thought about him.

    A couple of weeks ago i got the message that my dad was seriously ill.

    I messaged him (who is highly specialized oncologist) if i could talk to him and two days later we talked oh the phone.

    It was mostly about being sorry that we had gotten out of touch and i said i would very much like to see him again and see where that would lead us, which he said would be really good. I then asked him for some scientific studies about a certain experimental medication.
    To me he seems to be a quite rational and focused person in general.

    We met for breakfast a week later, he hugged me very intensely. He had brought his laptop had looked up stuff for me and we had a very long talk about work, mountaineering (which we kind of both enjoy) and life.

    And i noticed that i was indeed into him.

    When we had to leave he took me to my car, hugged me, didnt let go and then asked me if i wanted to meet up for breakfast again the upcoming week.
    We texted quite a bit over the weekend and fixed a date.
    Because i felt like i had „dumped“ him the year before i thought i should make it kind if easier for him so i asked him if we should turn that breakfast into dinner. He agreed and so we did have dinner.

    Sitting there, talking we started to look into each others eyes, pretty much all the time and deeply.

    At one point i kissed him. A bit shy but i did. He did kiss me back, but then he kind of backed off and said: „i wouldn’t need to look any further, but career-wise and therefore in life i am standing at a crossroad.“

    He had been offered a leading position in his field in his home country (politically not as stable as here) and he was not sure wether to decline it or not.

    We talked about long distance relationships and how he lost his gf of many years due to distance. He asked me how patient i could be to get the answer if he would stay or leave and that he wished he could make time pause even though he knew this was not possible.
    Essentially he said he wouldn’t start anything between the two of us not knowing if he would leave in 6 months time because it would hurt both of us and he needed time to sort this out.
    We then walked through town, searching for the cafe we sat in a year ago and ended up there cuddling up in a sofa for two hours.
    Holding hands all the way, looking at each other all the time.
    No kissing though.

    When we parted he said again he wouldn’t do anything such as kissing before not knowing it wouldn’t harm us.

    ​The next morning i did send him a sweet text not to work and worry too much everything would turn out fine.
    No answer for two days.
    I texted i couldn’t read his silence and he replied quite quickly that he had been tired and overworked but it felt nice to read my messages but he hoped he would make a better impression in real life.
    I perceived the „it was nice to read it“ as quite distant.
    Three days later i texted him that i had this talk with myself and that i got his message of needing to sort stuff out, that i could understand and when he was done and we both wanted to get to know each other seriously I´d be happy.

    He replied 10 min later that this would describe his imperfect situation perfectly well, that he thought my reaction was very wise an empathic and that out of respect for me he would do his best to get the answers asap.

    This was four days ago and all there is is silence.
    On the one hand in think its fine, he knows what i feel and if he needs to sort stuff out he has to and the next couple of weeks will tell.
    On the other hand im a bit afraid he might be keeping me in limbo.

    Any thoughts on this?
    Last edited by sputnik78; 08-14-2020 at 02:21 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It seems like he just wants a casual relationship. He's given you a multitude of reasons why.

    Enjoy the moment but he's not looking for a future with you.

  3. #3
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    But wouldn’t he then seize the moment and not be so shy and complicated?
    I would have felt like this if he had tried to get me laid, but he didn’t.
    And there was attraction.
    So this confuses me, but maybe you are right.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Have you read the book 📚"He's Just Not That Into You"?

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  6. #5
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    Oh well, no.
    But i know that a man who is interested usually texts, calls and makes plans.
    Yep, maybe thats all there is.

  7. #6
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    I agree with Wisey. He’s just not into you. You’ve wasted too much energy on this guy.

    What about your dad? How is he?

  8. #7
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    Thank you for asking.

    He is surprisingly stable atm but we can only hope that is stays that way for a while.

  9. #8
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    I have to agree with the others - he's not really interested.

    Let this be your sign that this isn't your guy. I would let it fizzle out and focus on finding someone whose interest level matches yours. This man's doesn't, unfortunately.

  10. #9
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    My first question is how is your dad?
    But my second is why are you not trusting the medical professionals looking after him?

    Does your dad have cancer?

    You seem to have used your dads illness to get in touch with this guy?
    How was the Doctors googling skills? Any better than yours?

    It is completely unethical for him to discuss your dads health knowing nothing about his medical condition.

    Your Dr friend a year ago messaged you at the time of your third date that he was just getting out of work. Which was nice of him to do. And since you work in same area my assumption would be that he wasn’t cancelling but now on his way.
    But even if he was cancelling , surely given his job you could be sympathetic to the fact that he does have to stay late at work if one of his patients spikes a fever etc. His patients are immunocompromised.

    Wouldn’t you prefer your dads Dr stays with him and cancels / postpones a date?

  11. #10
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    My Dad is stable atm thank you for asking.

    See, I come from a family of medical doctors, my dad is one himself and i am a medical professional as well.
    I asked him about ongoing and planned clinical trials concerning a certain medication he could perhaps join. This is information not every specialist has easy access to.

    It sounds harsh to state i might have used my dads illness but i can understand it could come across this way.
    The answer is i didn’t. At least i did not intend to.
    I wanted to get in touch again quite often but with a home to rebuild and living in a hotel for most of the year finishing my second masters degree while working full time i was out of order.
    Actually i a bit afraid he wouldn’t really talk to me.

    Yes, i might have made a mistake by not waiting for him that day, but with no time fixed at some point i decided to go home.
    I get your point and i feel a bit silly for being so stubborn but i thought he could at least fix a time and after this maybe call me.
    Because one can do this even if he is a doctor.

    When we had dinner and talked about him probably leaving he made this remark about life being so harsh sometimes and i said life is not that complicated.
    A bit later i answered him in the conversation „did we loose a year“ and he said „see, life is bloody complicated“
    Last edited by sputnik78; 08-14-2020 at 06:55 AM.

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