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I feel like I'm being pressured into being with her


kevin715

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I'll start with the backstory. I (31/M) began seeing someone (33/F) last year back in June. We hung out about a few times between our first date and the first of August of last year including a game night at her home with people she and her family knew. She also invited me to dinner with her parents (whom she lives with, as do I with my mother), whom I had already met from game night and when I'd pick her up for dates.

 

We had already planned to to get a hotel room later that week for one night, in which we were out on the town, got dinner, walked around, etc. Usually when I'm on a date, my mother usually wants to know where I'm going, who I'll be with, and if I got there safely, even at my current age. She tends to worry a lot about my well-being especially if I don't tell her where I am. You can probably tell what kind of friction this can cause in my dating life, especially when I haven't yet moved out (hopefully within the next year or so I'll have enough to buy my own house). Knowing my mother, I already try my best to only tell her the bare minimum about my whereabouts in these occasions, so I knew I couldn't tell her about the hotel, and I didn't until she called me after midnight that night. As you'd expect, my mother didn't like that I got a hotel room and had sex with someone I had only seen four times (that she knew of, I didn't tell her that it was actually seven times), and it didn't help that she found that the woman I was seeing was still married and was extremely overweight with loose skin resulting from weight loss surgery. When I got home the next morning where my mom told me to stop seeing her not only because she was married (I tried to explain to my mom that she was still in the process of getting a divorce), but she thought that I could have done better than her based on how she looked and wondered why I often dated overweight women in general, let alone her in particular, given her circumstances. This upset me quite a bit because I do tend to be drawn towards heavier women, but with her in particular, she's also working on her Ph.D and is a schoolteacher, and that we had some great conversations. But it also bothered me because it made me think that she didn't trust my decision-making skills even as far as I am in adulthood now.

 

I eventually told the woman I was dating about how my mom felt, and as you'd expect, she was upset and wondered why I allowed my mother to get in between us because her parents were fine with me and accepted me. I then told her that if my mother was this adamant about me not seeing her, it was not worth continuing to date since it would seem like my mom would cast a shadow over everything and make things uncomfortable. I also told her that I had some issues with boundaries with my mom to work out before I began dating again, whether her or anybody else.

 

Several months later (specifically in March of this year), she called me all of a sudden and I picked it up, not knowing it was her (I had deleted her number and forgotten it in the months in between). She basically called to check in on me and told me that she was doing OK despite having had to go to the hospital several times due to suffering three seizures and having fallen in the last few months. I was a bit puzzled as to why she would bring this up, but nothing else came of it. She called again one night while I was at work, but I ignored it and I didn't hear from her for a few more months.

 

Last week she called me a little after 4 in the morning, checking in on me again and then reminded me of how things ended last year with my mom getting in the way. I acknowledged this and apologized for it before she updated me about her divorce, saying she now has a date for the first hearing next month. Because this was the biggest hangup with my mom about me seeing her, she offered to talk to my mom about everything. We both agree that even if it doesn't change my mom's mind, it would still be worth my mom at least hearing directly from her about her situation. Luckily, my mother still has not brought up that episode with me spending the night at the hotel with her even a year after it happened, and I'm still uncomfortable thinking about bringing it up to her. The woman also began asking when I would see her again and reminded me that she's turning 34 later this month and had some things planned with her friends and wondered if I would want to be a part of it. At first I was hesitant about it since I had essentially put my social life on hold due to the pandemic, but she was still very persistent about wanting to do something with me or at the very least talking to my mother. I eventually agreed tentatively to do something on the 21st, but I'm not sure if that's still on (see the below paragraph). She also asked me about where I see myself in five years, to which I answered that I couldn't guarantee that I would be ready to have children or get married, or if I'd be ready to buy a house with her six months from now.

 

I wish I would have thought about saying this but in the year since I last saw her, I've found some peace with being single and not having to worry about being stressed out over a relationship while still living with my mother (in fact, I've come to notice that relationships in general tend to stress me out more often than they make me happy, and I like having my alone time), and this episode had already caused me to stop dating anybody until I moved out. Just a few days ago while I was driving to work, I found out that she was hospitalized again after she fell and her parents and friends couldn't get her up. She said that she had "tore something" and "fractured or broken something" according to the text she sent me. This is already on top of her aforementioned health issues including only getting 0-2 hours of sleep a night and just going until she crashes and sleeps for an entire day. In general, I'm just about over her. I just wished that I was a lot more decisive about not wanting to date at all right now, or her in particular, but I still feel guilty about how everything ended, and I can't help but think she'll probably be waiting after whatever barrier I set passes (whether that be COVID, me moving out, her divorce, or what) and she'll just try to guilt me into going out with her again. I just wish I wasn't such a pushover. :icon_sad:

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This woman sounds like a total mess in so many ways. Leave her alone. She will bring far too many problems into your life, much more than she already has.

The divorce hasn't gone through, so by all accounts, she is a married woman and your mother is right in you staying away from married women.

Until they are completely divorced, you have no right to be "dating them" unless you again want major problems on your doorstep, one of them being the husband who is not over his wife and confronts you.

 

Secondly, you need to ease back on the mother situation. You are allowing her to take over your life. While it's good to get advice from your mother (once in a while), it's not good to let her control everything.

Moving out would be a very good thing for you. You need to learn independence, you need to get better self esteem and self confidence and you need to raise your standards on the women you date.

Being out on your own and becoming your own man before you date anyone, would work a lot better.

 

But as for this woman, block her and don't reply to her. She has far too many problems and drama that she needs to work out on her own.

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she'll just try to guilt me into going out with her again. I just wish I wasn't such a pushover.

 

Tell her, no. Leave her a message telling her that you are no longer interested and that you wish her well but that you'd prefer not to keep in contact.

And mean it, block her and even if she finds a way to contact you, do not reply or answer her.

 

Being a pushover is a choice and it's one you can change. YOU decide what you want and if you want to say no to people.

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We!l, I think you are going to continue have these kinds of problems until you learn to be your own man. That means making all your decisions based on your choice, desires, interests, goals, & values.

 

It's not unheard of to be 31 and still living at home for whatever reasons. However, it can stunt your own development into an independent adult.

 

I'm a firm believer in the old adage, my house, my rules. So until you can get on with your own living expenses and arrangements, you have to cope with mom. The old gf, you don't. Just let her know you're sorry for her health issues. And to be honest, dating and meeting your mom is not something you're interested in pursuing. That she should be honest with herself and recognize she needs to focus on her own health.

 

Then block her number...

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That she should be honest with herself and recognize she needs to focus on her own health.

 

Definitely! She's being foolish right now trying to date anyone with the health issues she has. You're actually doing her a favour by telling her no. She needs to focus on her health right now. I also am surprised that she's wanting to go from her husband to another man before the divorce is even finalized. That should tell you that this woman is a confused mess and not someone you should be inviting into your life.

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Yes, she wasn't good enough for you -- not because of her weight, but because she was MARRIED.

 

Secondly, you need to cut the apron strings. Seriously, dude. Move out. Or if you don't move out, and want to be vague - how does mom know you slept with her. You could have said you were meeting friends or hanging out with friends. That's just bizarre you would tell mom that you were meeting up for sex.

 

Stay single, establish healthy boundaries with your parents. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your parents worrying or wondering if you are in a ditch somewhere if you are not home in the middle of the night -- because you live there. Its NORMAL. what you have to do is stop talking about your sex life.

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You could have said you were meeting friends or hanging out with friends

 

I don't think lying is the answer, however telling her you're going out, and no it's not something she needs to know about, is far more direct and at least you'll be an honest man.

 

Because truth be told, you aren't obligated to tell her, even if she is your mom.

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Holy cow, my first thought was Norma Bates and her son Norman Bates, of Bates Motel. Norma had total control over her son Norman, and sabotaged everything he ever did. OP your mother is a control freak and you need to move out and become your own person. Even if you cant pay for a house, you get a mortgage like most of the rest of the world. You will never be free of your mother until you make yourself be free, or mother passes on. You are wasting your life being tied to her apron strings.

 

As for that girl, block and delete her from contacting you, she's got too many problems to work on.

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Holy cow, my first thought was Norma Bates and her son Norman Bates, of Bates Motel. Norma had total control over her son Norman, and sabotaged everything he ever did. OP your mother is a control freak and you need to move out and become your own person. Even if you cant pay for a house, you get a mortgage like most of the rest of the world. You will never be free of your mother until you make yourself be free, or mother passes on. You are wasting your life being tied to her apron strings.

 

As for that girl, block and delete her from contacting you, she's got too many problems to work on.

 

LOL! I totally agree.

 

I also think you use your mother as an excuse not to move forward. Time to grow up and become independent. What do your friends say about the dynamic between you and your mother?

 

Tell this woman you do not see a future and wish her well. Then block and delete.

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Take this as life screaming at you to assert yourself and start making your own choices based on what you want.

 

You quite clearly don't want to date this woman. And that's perfectly fine; she sounds like she has a ton of issues anyway, and is desperate to have a man - any man in her life. That man isn't you, so be honest with her and tell her you aren't interested in reconciling and it would be best to cease contact. She's trying to bait you into rushing to her side and caring for her. Be firm and say no.

 

Next, dude, you're too old to have Mom so involved in your love life. You definitely do need to work on boundaries there, as you're as much a part of the problem as she is. I question how your mom even know this woman was married, overweight and has loose skin. Did you tell her all these things? And why on earth would you share all of Mom's opinions with this woman, knowing it would be hurtful? Were you subconsciously looking for a way out?

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It's been an entire year since you recognized your inappropriate dynamic with mom, and you mentioned you needed to work on boundaries with her, so what have you done to achieve those skills? Sounds like you've done nothing, because you'd rather not deal with her whining and guilt trips. Sorry, but you'll have to deal with her pushing back during the transition to a healthy relationship. There are plenty of books on the subject, so get some from the library or order them from the internet.

 

Because I don't think this will end when you move out, and nobody wants to date a Mama's boy. It's important to spend quality time with Mom, of course, but when her expectations are too much whether it be with what you tell her or how much time you spend with her, then you need to change this dynamic and she will have to accept how things will be on your terms. Your future love life depends on you paving this new road now.

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Personally yes I think you are a huge pushover! I was cringing as I was reading your post but not about the woman you were dating, but your and your mother's behaviour. You are a total Mummy's boy in your 30's and you let your mother completely control your life. If you don't actually want to have a relationship, that is fine and totally your choice. But sounds like you were actually fine with dating that woman until your mother took control and basically pushed you to dump her.

 

It doesn't sound like the woman did anything wrong except she was still married. Obviously she had tried to lose weight and that's why she had the weight loss surgery. So she actually did make an effort and clearly has actually lost some weight, since you said she had loose skin. Regardless, that is your choice if you want to date an overweight woman. Some men do like plus size women and nobody has the right to tell them otherwise. Why are you allowing your mother to treat you like a child? She constantly calls you, demands to know where you are, who you're with. What! You are over 30!! And you actually told her all the details of where you are, that you were at the hotel to have sex. Why??!! You tell your mother about your sex life? It's none of her business how many dates you took to have sex! And if she thinks all this is her business (and you think so too), there is something seriously wrong with that!

 

Also you were very insensitive towards this woman. You don't have to always tell everybody everything like you have verbal diarrhoea. As the saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it. How do you think it made the woman feel to be told, she is fat, your mother doesn't like her, you're too good for her. Do you seriously have no filter or empathy at all?

 

I can't believe this woman is contacting you a year later. She must be desperate because in fact it's you who is not a great catch. You are a grown man who lives his whole life by Mummy's rules, you don't have your own place and you are also rude and insensitive.

 

If you want to live like an actual adult then you need to move out and stop listening to your mother's judgemental bs.

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The dynamic with your mother is tough. I don't blame you though if you're inundated constantly by your parent's opinion. I agree with you that you need space to think and be your own person. In future don't overshare information that is not useful or helpful to others. Learning to curb the overshare is a skill.

 

I'm not really sure I can comment on this woman but it appears she's having a lot of trouble taking care of herself. I think reading too much into her marital status is not very useful as people run the gamut on this one, depending on how ready they are to move on and how long they've been separated. It's generally a much better idea to date someone who's completely divorced and keeps life a little simpler.

 

It also doesn't mean that once a person is divorced, they're ready to date. Tread with care and remain cautious no matter who you date, regardless of who is what or who is what they say they are or any label or status.

 

I do think both of you have work to do on yourself so keep on doing you and stick to your guns about self-reliancy. If you expect yourself to function as an independent adult, I think you should also expect the same of your partner.

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Personally yes I think you are a huge pushover! I was cringing as I was reading your post but not about the woman you were dating, but your and your mother's behaviour. You are a total Mummy's boy in your 30's and you let your mother completely control your life. If you don't actually want to have a relationship, that is fine and totally your choice. But sounds like you were actually fine with dating that woman until your mother took control and basically pushed you to dump her.

 

It doesn't sound like the woman did anything wrong except she was still married. Obviously she had tried to lose weight and that's why she had the weight loss surgery. So she actually did make an effort and clearly has actually lost some weight, since you said she had loose skin. Regardless, that is your choice if you want to date an overweight woman. Some men do like plus size women and nobody has the right to tell them otherwise. Why are you allowing your mother to treat you like a child? She constantly calls you, demands to know where you are, who you're with. What! You are over 30!! And you actually told her all the details of where you are, that you were at the hotel to have sex. Why??!! You tell your mother about your sex life? It's none of her business how many dates you took to have sex! And if she thinks all this is her business (and you think so too), there is something seriously wrong with that!

 

Also you were very insensitive towards this woman. You don't have to always tell everybody everything like you have verbal diarrhoea. As the saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it. How do you think it made the woman feel to be told, she is fat, your mother doesn't like her, you're too good for her. Do you seriously have no filter or empathy at all?

 

I can't believe this woman is contacting you a year later. She must be desperate because in fact it's you who is not a great catch. You are a grown man who lives his whole life by Mummy's rules, you don't have your own place and you are also rude and insensitive.

 

If you want to live like an actual adult then you need to move out and stop listening to your mother's judgemental bs.

 

Spot on!.........

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So instead of making the choice to break up, you blame your mom, and tell her what she said about her?

 

Time to be accountable for the choices you make, and don't use other people as a scapegoat. Your mom is treating you like a husband. You are under no obligation to tell her who you date. And you can say, "I will let you know about a person if it's serious. In not, I need some privacy, so I can figure out myself if I like her or not. You aren't the ones that will end up marrying them."

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The mom issue isn't good, no...but I think the woman was no catch either. A huge mess.

 

I still can't understand, OP why you would mess with a married woman. Separated is not single, it is married.

 

Neither of you should have bothered until she was completely single with a divorce paper in her hand.

 

But truth be told, you both have serious issues you need to resolve before either of you have anything to offer anyone or each other.

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Personally yes I think you are a huge pushover! I was cringing as I was reading your post but not about the woman you were dating, but your and your mother's behaviour. You are a total Mummy's boy in your 30's and you let your mother completely control your life. If you don't actually want to have a relationship, that is fine and totally your choice. But sounds like you were actually fine with dating that woman until your mother took control and basically pushed you to dump her.

 

It doesn't sound like the woman did anything wrong except she was still married.

 

If you want to live like an actual adult then you need to move out and stop listening to your mother's judgemental bs.

 

I agree with this! Stop involving your mom in your love life. It's none of her business. And you don't have to justify any of your decisions to her.

 

As far as dating someone who is separated/not yet divorced. There are differing opinions on this. IMVHO, it's always circumstantial and up to the people who are separated and their new partners. It's frankly no one else's business and as long as the two separated parties agree that it's okay to date and the people they are seeing are aware of the situation- I see no problem with it.

 

If you don't want to date this woman, don't date her. It's that simple. You seem to have an issue with letting women manipulate you.

 

The best advice I can give you- Move out of your mother's house. Based on what you said, this relationship is becoming severely unhealthy for you both. Mama needs to let go and recognize that you are grown man. You don't owe her any explanations for our own adult choices. She doesn't have to agree (and won't) with every choice you make and that is OKAY!!!! You need to stop letting mama call the shots in your life. You are an adult. You don't need her permission or approval. Certainly not to have adult consensual sex with someone. Move out as SOON as possible. Time for mama to stop knowing where you are and who you're with at all times- that's for children.

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I'll try to address some of the issues posed here so far.

 

Moving out would be a very good thing for you. You need to learn independence, you need to get better self esteem and self confidence and you need to raise your standards on the women you date.

Being out on your own and becoming your own man before you date anyone, would work a lot better.

 

This I agree with. In fact that's why I had long since decided to delete or deactivate all dating apps until I move out at the very least.

 

Secondly, you need to cut the apron strings. Seriously, dude. Move out. Or if you don't move out, and want to be vague - how does mom know you slept with her. You could have said you were meeting friends or hanging out with friends. That's just bizarre you would tell mom that you were meeting up for sex.

 

Stay single, establish healthy boundaries with your parents. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your parents worrying or wondering if you are in a ditch somewhere if you are not home in the middle of the night -- because you live there. Its NORMAL. what you have to do is stop talking about your sex life.

 

I never directly told her about my sex life; I figure she put two and two together and came to that conclusion when she realized I had gotten a hotel room, because why else would we get one? She just asked me in the middle of that conversation after I got home, "did you at least use protection?"

 

I don't think lying is the answer, however telling her you're going out, and no it's not something she needs to know about, is far more direct and at least you'll be an honest man.

 

Because truth be told, you aren't obligated to tell her, even if she is your mom.

 

I also agree with this. It seems like every time I decide to go out (which isn't very often but it happens), she seems to want to know where I'm going and who I'm with. It's even worse when it's a date because she'll start asking for names, which I really don't owe her and shouldn't have to supply when it's a first date.

 

OP your mother is a control freak and you need to move out and become your own person. Even if you cant pay for a house, you get a mortgage like most of the rest of the world. You will never be free of your mother until you make yourself be free, or mother passes on. You are wasting your life being tied to her apron strings.

 

As for that girl, block and delete her from contacting you, she's got too many problems to work on.

 

Until just a few years ago, I had been earning a lot less than average for the metropolitan area I live in (and the market I live in is among the most expensive in the country), and from the time I graduated from college in 2010 until the time I got my break with the company I'm currently with, I had been working multiple jobs to pay off my student loans. Thankfully, I'm done with my student loans. Funnily enough, last year I was very close to signing for an apartment until I was talked out of it and suggested instead to save for a house so that I'm not just throwing my money away. Now I'm about a few months' pay away from having enough to comfortably put down for a mortgage for one of the lower-end houses in my market, so while I wish I had gotten to this point sooner, I'm getting there, at least.

 

Time to grow up and become independent. What do your friends say about the dynamic between you and your mother?

 

I can honestly say that outside of my older brother, I have very few, if any, true friends at this stage in my life (not counting those I shared the same time and space with during my time in high school and college; since then I've more or less grown apart from all of them more for the better than for worse), so not very many know about this. I did talk to my brother about it a few days ago and he told me that yes, our mom can be a little overbearing and that she's done the same thing to him a few times. He said that putting my foot down about her not overstepping her boundaries, while it would hurt her feelings, would have to be something she'd have to get over. He also used to live here after graduating in 2011 until he joined the military in 2012 after getting impatient about the job market.

 

I question how your mom even know this woman was married, overweight and has loose skin. Did you tell her all these things? And why on earth would you share all of Mom's opinions with this woman, knowing it would be hurtful? Were you subconsciously looking for a way out?

 

She looked her up and saw for herself. Also, I'm sorry if my original post didn't convey this clearly, but I only told the woman about my mom's objections about her still being married. I kept the stuff about her appearance to myself for obvious reasons.

 

It's been an entire year since you recognized your inappropriate dynamic with mom, and you mentioned you needed to work on boundaries with her, so what have you done to achieve those skills? Sounds like you've done nothing, because you'd rather not deal with her whining and guilt trips. Sorry, but you'll have to deal with her pushing back during the transition to a healthy relationship. There are plenty of books on the subject, so get some from the library or order them from the internet.

 

Because I don't think this will end when you move out, and nobody wants to date a Mama's boy. It's important to spend quality time with Mom, of course, but when her expectations are too much whether it be with what you tell her or how much time you spend with her, then you need to change this dynamic and she will have to accept how things will be on your terms. Your future love life depends on you paving this new road now.

 

Shortly after this happened last year, I went to a psychotherapist about the issues I was having with my mother, and I wasn't really getting anywhere with him other than him telling me that I shouldn't just stop dating as I told him that I was going to do at the time, and that lots of mothers are like how I described. Nothing about the steps that I needed to take in order to establish healthy boundaries. But that notwithstanding, there were times even then that my mother would call me wondering where I was even when I was going to my therapist. I simply told her that I was just at the store, but the fact that she even asked gave me pause.

 

Personally yes I think you are a huge pushover! I was cringing as I was reading your post but not about the woman you were dating, but your and your mother's behaviour. You are a total Mummy's boy in your 30's and you let your mother completely control your life. If you don't actually want to have a relationship, that is fine and totally your choice. But sounds like you were actually fine with dating that woman until your mother took control and basically pushed you to dump her.

 

This is another thing I thought about. The fact that I don't really have that many people close to me outside of my own family can be a drawback of some sorts, particularly with not recognizing the issues that I'm confronted with now until it became too obvious to ignore.

 

And you actually told her all the details of where you are, that you were at the hotel to have sex. Why??!! You tell your mother about your sex life? It's none of her business how many dates you took to have sex! And if she thinks all this is her business (and you think so too), there is something seriously wrong with that!

 

Also you were very insensitive towards this woman. You don't have to always tell everybody everything like you have verbal diarrhoea. As the saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it. How do you think it made the woman feel to be told, she is fat, your mother doesn't like her, you're too good for her. Do you seriously have no filter or empathy at all?

 

I can't believe this woman is contacting you a year later. She must be desperate because in fact it's you who is not a great catch. You are a grown man who lives his whole life by Mummy's rules, you don't have your own place and you are also rude and insensitive.

 

Already addressed this. See some of my above responses.

 

I'm not really sure I can comment on this woman but it appears she's having a lot of trouble taking care of herself. I think reading too much into her marital status is not very useful as people run the gamut on this one, depending on how ready they are to move on and how long they've been separated. It's generally a much better idea to date someone who's completely divorced and keeps life a little simpler.

 

It also doesn't mean that once a person is divorced, they're ready to date. Tread with care and remain cautious no matter who you date, regardless of who is what or who is what they say they are or any label or status.

 

This sounds like good advice going forward. The husband in this scenario had been out of her picture for three, now four years, and according to her, he lives in another state. At the time she told me this, I took her word for it and didn't think twice about it. I've seen other non-polyamorous people, including a coworker, mention pursuing partners or having steady relationships before their divorces were finalized and, while I wondered why people did that, figured that the scenarios of the separated spouse coming back in the picture to do harm was more the exception than the norm.

 

So instead of making the choice to break up, you blame your mom, and tell her what she said about her?

 

Time to be accountable for the choices you make, and don't use other people as a scapegoat. Your mom is treating you like a husband. You are under no obligation to tell her who you date. And you can say, "I will let you know about a person if it's serious. In not, I need some privacy, so I can figure out myself if I like her or not. You aren't the ones that will end up marrying them."

 

And this is precisely why I stopped dating, because my mother wouldn't take "mind your own business" for an answer and has already complained about how secretive I can be about my own life.

 

I still can't understand, OP why you would mess with a married woman. Separated is not single, it is married.

 

Because, again, I didn't know better. Sorry I wasn't born having all the answers to life.

 

The best advice I can give you- Move out of your mother's house. Based on what you said, this relationship is becoming severely unhealthy for you both. Mama needs to let go and recognize that you are grown man. You don't owe her any explanations for our own adult choices. She doesn't have to agree (and won't) with every choice you make and that is OKAY!!!! You need to stop letting mama call the shots in your life. You are an adult. You don't need her permission or approval. Certainly not to have adult consensual sex with someone. Move out as SOON as possible. Time for mama to stop knowing where you are and who you're with at all times- that's for children.

 

Trust me, as soon as I move I'm limiting how often I talk to my mother. When I was in college (and I was a four-hour drive away), I almost never called my mother for nonessential reasons (like money issues, when I was going home, etc.). I'll even have less of a reason to call her when that happens, since money won't be an issue for much longer.

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From your responses, you sound like you have a good handle on things and where you're going to go from here.

 

Congratulations on buying a house, it's a great success that not everyone is able to do.

 

Will you send this woman a final message now telling her it's done for good?

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OP thank you for your responses and clarifying everything. Of course I can't comment on your mother overall as a person, but this level of being nosey, opinionated and not minding her own business is pretty bad. I would say she's not just "a bit overbearing", but very severely so. And she is very judgemental also. It's almost like she deliberately wants to jeopardise your personal and dating life. And looks like she's succeeding because you decided not to even date. Which to me seems very sad if that is the main reason.

 

I know that obviously living with a parent (I know you have a reason) can cramp anyone's style. E.g. if you want to bring someone over, it's awkward. But still I think most parents would actually want for their child to be happy and find someone. The fact that she so strongly began to tell you what to do regarding this woman was VERY out of line. She did not even know her and yet she already disliked her just by looking at her picture. The still married thing aside (though finalising divorce), judging this woman simply on being overweight in my opinion is very low. This woman could be a lovely person for all she knows, but she just wrote her off immediately due to her weight. SO shallow. Overweight people are still human beings and they deserve love and happiness too, just like anyone else. Who is she to say whether this woman is worthy? She has no right to pass this judgement when she never even met her. And she had no right to tell you who you can and can't date. As a man in your 30's, that is YOUR choice.

 

I seriously think you need to start standing up for yourself! This is all very unacceptable. The fact that your mother also judged you that you had sex after four dates. And you felt bad and felt like you should explain that it was in fact seven dates. You don't have to explain anything!! You can have sex with whomever you want, wherever you want, whenever you want! That is NONE of your mother's business! Her level of knowing everything about your life and completely controlling your life is actually creepy. "I hope you used protection". Is she talking to a 15-year-old??! She treats you like a child or naughty teenager. She seriously needs to back off!

 

You need to stop allowing this to happen. You let your mother do this you listen to her and obey everything she says. You enable her and that's why she keeps doing it. Even if you can't bring a woman to your place, you still don't have to always answer to your mother or tell her anything. If she wants to know will you be home for dinner or come home to sleep, you can let her know. But you don't actually have to tell her what exactly you're doing, who with, why, their names, etc. Just tell her you're fine and you'll see her later when you get home. She should have no problem with you being out or being on dates because you're a grown man in your 30's. Seriously grow some balls man!

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Kevin...is your mom a single mom? Are you an only child?

 

I understand the dynamic to a certain degree.

You're a shy man, difficult time with self esteem, self confidence. You have a difficult time getting to know people and visa versa.

You're an introvert and because of that you don't have many friends.

Your mom has been your main social outlet and your main friend. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone grows the same, has the same opportunities, is as outgoing or makes friends as easy as the next person.

But it does and will, unfortunately, become an issue when you decide to date and even decide one day to marry.

 

Your mom sounds like she has always supported you, been there for you and you might have been the same for her too.

You two sound like you've both been "Us against the world mentality" for a long time now.

And it's good that you had each other, it really is. Which is why you probably feel like you still want to or have to tell her things and feel guilty if you don't.

 

Add into it, that mom is probably getting older now and you feel somewhat guilty for leaving her.

It is a conundrum to want to remain close to your mom and be there for her but to also start a life of your own and to find a partner.

I can't tell you it's going to be easy, because it won't be. There could be a lot of hurt feelings on both your future partners end and on your moms end.

Why? Because your future partner will have a hard time accepting that you are this close to your mom and your mom will feel abandoned and left out if you shut her out.

 

I hope more than anything, that you will find a woman who isn't so judgemental on the relationship with your mom. But you're also going to have to make some hard decisions here concerning mom, as it's not okay to tell her personal things that go on between you and a woman you are dating.

Nor is it okay to divulge information about a woman that she wouldn't want your mother knowing.

 

Your mom sounds lonely and as well, very protective of you, some would say over protective. So I can see why she is going to ask questions. And I know it's going to be awkward and difficult for you to do, but you're going to have to tell her that you're not comfortable answering her questions.

And in some cases, you're going to just have to tell her flat out no...that she can't know your business.

 

Holly has a good suggestion though, trying to make new friends would benefit you. It would also help if your mom made a few new friends too so that way both of you have support elsewhere and not just one another.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Bumping this with another update. Sorry for the delay.

 

We talked yesterday, and after asking what happened to her, how she's recovering, and everything, I told her that I had been thinking about one of the conversations we had the other day, and realized that I had found some peace in being single and that I probably wasn't going to be on the same timeline as she was with regards to having children or the like. While she did say that she didn't want to pressure me into anything, I told her that I didn't want to send her any mixed messages about it, and she said she could respect that. From there, we said our goodbyes and well-wishes on her birthday and the recovery from her injury. So I can turn the page on that now.

 

Kevin...is your mom a single mom? Are you an only child?

 

She's been divorced for 20 years, and of her children, I am the youngest. Both older brothers are married (one with children, the other with children on the way), and the older sister has children but is single (she left a toxic relationship with the father of her children). Brothers live in other regions, and the sister still lives in this region and has moved out at least twice (though she told me that there's a chance she might have to move back in again). I don't think my mother has had a sustained relationship with a man since her divorce, though she has dated a few men in recent years.

 

I understand the dynamic to a certain degree.

You're a shy man, difficult time with self esteem, self confidence. You have a difficult time getting to know people and visa versa.

You're an introvert and because of that you don't have many friends.

Your mom has been your main social outlet and your main friend. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone grows the same, has the same opportunities, is as outgoing or makes friends as easy as the next person.

But it does and will, unfortunately, become an issue when you decide to date and even decide one day to marry.

 

I've struggled with self-confidence a lot, especially in college. New social situations can be scary, and it manifests itself as a fear of being judged if I'm alone in an unfamiliar place, as if to say "what's that guy doing here?" I know I always hear that it's an irrational fear since most people say they don't really notice loners at social events, and that's one mental block I'm trying to overcome.

 

As for my mom being my only social outlet, that's usually not true. I almost never talk to my mother about things going on in my life unless she specifically asks me about these things. I do find that my mother talks on the phone to my sister almost every night, similar to how I remember my mom talking to her mom on a nightly basis in the past.

 

Your mom sounds like she has always supported you, been there for you and you might have been the same for her too.

You two sound like you've both been "Us against the world mentality" for a long time now.

And it's good that you had each other, it really is. Which is why you probably feel like you still want to or have to tell her things and feel guilty if you don't.

 

Add into it, that mom is probably getting older now and you feel somewhat guilty for leaving her.

It is a conundrum to want to remain close to your mom and be there for her but to also start a life of your own and to find a partner.

I can't tell you it's going to be easy, because it won't be. There could be a lot of hurt feelings on both your future partners end and on your moms end.

Why? Because your future partner will have a hard time accepting that you are this close to your mom and your mom will feel abandoned and left out if you shut her out.

 

In a way, yes and no. She's been supportive of us (her kids) throughout school and afterward. Due to me still living here (and my sister when she lived here), I'm pretty much compelled to help financially with rent, groceries (sometimes) and whenever home improvement projects are necessary. She seems to want to remain close to her children, but beyond checking in from time to time after I move out, I don't plan on telling her about every move I make, and that includes with potential partners. I've also found that my mother tends to have problems sleeping whenever she's in the house alone, whether it's because I'm out of town for any reason or if I'm working a night shift at my job. So I can see how difficult it could be on her when I do leave.

 

Your mom sounds lonely and as well, very protective of you, some would say over protective. So I can see why she is going to ask questions. And I know it's going to be awkward and difficult for you to do, but you're going to have to tell her that you're not comfortable answering her questions.

And in some cases, you're going to just have to tell her flat out no...that she can't know your business.

 

Agreed. Somebody I mentioned this to asked me to look up "surrogate spouse" and it's jarring how relatable my situation is, and if she does ask me anything that I'm uncomfortable answering, or if she does want to know too much about something I'm doing, I'll have to bring this up to her.

 

OP, is there a reason why you have not pursued new friendships?

 

Holly has a good suggestion though, trying to make new friends would benefit you. It would also help if your mom made a few new friends too so that way both of you have support elsewhere and not just one another.

 

I never really knew or figured that new friendships well into adulthood, especially with men, were possible, let alone common. I've been slowly getting into more social activities as my wallet (and specifically this year, the current public health situation) allows. There's a local fan club of my favorite soccer team that I would, on occasion, meet up with and watch a game, and one time we entered a local recreational soccer tournament. I'd like to get back into playing soccer, basketball, etc. recreationally (right now my stamina isn't where I'd like for it to be yet), and after my most recent session at the driving range a few years ago, I'd like to eventually take golf lessons, too. While I'm not particularly close to anybody from that fan club, we're still friendly, if you know what I'm saying.

 

OP thank you for your responses and clarifying everything. Of course I can't comment on your mother overall as a person, but this level of being nosey, opinionated and not minding her own business is pretty bad. I would say she's not just "a bit overbearing", but very severely so. And she is very judgemental also. It's almost like she deliberately wants to jeopardise your personal and dating life. And looks like she's succeeding because you decided not to even date. Which to me seems very sad if that is the main reason.

 

I know that obviously living with a parent (I know you have a reason) can cramp anyone's style. E.g. if you want to bring someone over, it's awkward. But still I think most parents would actually want for their child to be happy and find someone. The fact that she so strongly began to tell you what to do regarding this woman was VERY out of line. She did not even know her and yet she already disliked her just by looking at her picture. The still married thing aside (though finalising divorce), judging this woman simply on being overweight in my opinion is very low. This woman could be a lovely person for all she knows, but she just wrote her off immediately due to her weight. SO shallow. Overweight people are still human beings and they deserve love and happiness too, just like anyone else. Who is she to say whether this woman is worthy? She has no right to pass this judgement when she never even met her. And she had no right to tell you who you can and can't date. As a man in your 30's, that is YOUR choice.

 

I seriously think you need to start standing up for yourself! This is all very unacceptable. The fact that your mother also judged you that you had sex after four dates. And you felt bad and felt like you should explain that it was in fact seven dates. You don't have to explain anything!! You can have sex with whomever you want, wherever you want, whenever you want! That is NONE of your mother's business! Her level of knowing everything about your life and completely controlling your life is actually creepy. "I hope you used protection". Is she talking to a 15-year-old??! She treats you like a child or naughty teenager. She seriously needs to back off!

 

You need to stop allowing this to happen. You let your mother do this you listen to her and obey everything she says. You enable her and that's why she keeps doing it. Even if you can't bring a woman to your place, you still don't have to always answer to your mother or tell her anything. If she wants to know will you be home for dinner or come home to sleep, you can let her know. But you don't actually have to tell her what exactly you're doing, who with, why, their names, etc. Just tell her you're fine and you'll see her later when you get home. She should have no problem with you being out or being on dates because you're a grown man in your 30's. Seriously grow some balls man!

 

I get it. While her words are supportive of me finding a partner, I never liked how she seemed to make me dating such a big deal, especially with first dates. There was a time when, not too long after I graduated from college, I told her I was going on a date, and basically everybody else in the house (my sister and her daughter were still here at the time) knew about it. If I'm just in the still-getting-to-know-somebody phase, it shouldn't be this major thing that others need to know about (aside from telling someone where I'm going to be should something happen to me in the process of me meeting a stranger). Her overbearingness in this regard has been more of a deterrent in me dating than anything else (as well as, what I would imagine, negative judgments from potential partners about a man living with his mother in the first place, mother's behavior notwithstanding).

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