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my first breakup, I need to vent about what I went through


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This is my first time posting here. I'm posting here because my now ex-boyfriend knows all my social media, and I know he watches them even when I've blocked him.

I just needed a place to ramble and vent about everything that happened. I'm all alone now.

 

We're both college students, 20 years old, and we met online through some mutual friends. I have severe depression and anxiety issues. I had them then, I still have them now. I took medication back then and I take it now.

He was famous in the friend group for being the really depressing one, the sadboy. I of course was really depressed and lonely so I was drawn to this, I guess thinking that we could share the pain together.

It started cooly but then got really intense, before we were even dating. I would console him on a lot of things, a lot of which were red flags that I should have taken more seriously.

He was actively Jewish, eating kosher, and I was completely agnostic with my own spiritual views. His mother and brother were very controlling. He had suicidal thoughts and was always drinking.

Our first conversation was literally about suicide methods.

I was in a really bad place.

 

This was the first relationship for both of us, and it was so insanely intense. The minute we had texted confirming we both liked each other, he asked me if I would convert. I said no, he accepted it. We made plans to meet at a mall, but he had to keep me a secret from his mother. He also lived an hour away, so I had to drive to him. I should've gotten my head straight and realized that no matter how crazy love-drunk I was this was a bad idea. For the next few months I would be drive an hour to that mall to meet him, still secret from his family of course. In the meantime we video called all day every day, and I seriously mean that. If I ever showed up as online he would be messaging me and calling me. This continued for the rest of the relationship, over a year. Even with classes and being with friends, he wanted me texting him every couple hours. He was very clear about that. He felt lonely and neglected otherwise. It drained so much out of me and made every "check-up" message I sent to him feel insincere.

 

The worst part was the jealousy and insecurity. I couldn't compliment guys, I couldn't call a guy attractive. I walked on eggshells all the time. I went out with a gay male friend once to reconnect, and he was insecure. When he found out my friend was bi he freaked out, even though I had only learned that because my friend was asking advice for a girl he liked. But no, because there was the possibility that I was alone with someone who could be attracted to girls for literally 2 hours at the mall, it was terrible. He was being cucked. Cucked was literally his favorite word. Whenever he was insecure he would say that he's a or he's being cucked. Half of our fights were because of this. When I went to college he said he was insecure that I'd find someone better than him and closer to me. I just wanted to go to class for god's sake. I couldn't mention talking to any male at all without him being insecure. I had to clarify whenever I went out that I was with girls or a mix of girls and boys. I would literally just mention someone I talked to who was a guy, and he would also respond with the same pattern: "hahaha" "I'm a " If I didn't respond to him in a certain time frame, he would respond with that too. He would ask me if I wanted to him over and over, if I wanted to find another boyfriend. It was absolute torture and I have no idea why I put up with it for so long.

 

We met with out mutual friends together once. He asked if he could join a group chat that he wasn't in that had me in it. They added him. We had a good time, I went to my hotel (still an hour drive to meet them) and I went to bed. The very next morning I woke up with hundreds of messages from him. He had gone through ALL of the messages in the group chat. I guess he used search filters, because he went through years worth of messages, and screenshotted ones he didn't like. The messages he took offense to were as follows: I posted a picture of a video game character I liked and called him hot. I talked about a dream I had which had "hot firemen" in it. I called someone else hot. I think you're getting the pattern. And this was ALL before we were dating. Then he was mad that I didn't mention that they had talked about him before, like I was supposed to be a spy for him.

He told me I was a liar, I'd broken his trust, I was only sorry I'd gotten caught, he should have more self-respect, he doesn't deserve this.

I freaked out. I was sobbing. I thought he was going to break up with me, and I really did believe I was a liar (even though these messages were from a year ago, was I supposed to remember them?)

So we got on video call and he just stared at me while I cried. This would become a recurring theme.

At some point he told me to mute because I was guilt tripping him. I did of course.

 

I sat there as he accused me of checking people out at the party, telling me that if I liked that video game character so much, "why don't you marry him".

It didn't occur to me at the time that it was completely hypocritical, since he had a very pronounced love for anime girls that he posted in those group chats A LOT.

When I did bring this up during another jealous episode, he told me I was trying to "even the odds". Whatever that means.

 

I really regret not breaking up with him then and there. I have all the chat logs, and reading them makes me feel sick. He completely belittled me, made me show him every fictional character I thought was attractive, made me tell him every crush he'd ever had. Then he asked me if he was being possessive, and of course I said no. He asked me if he was abusive, and I said no. I was just completely miserable, empty and dead inside. I just didn't want him to be mad at me anymore. I wish I could hug past me so much. I was always crying alone, because he didn't want me to alert my family to any trouble at all. And of course I couldn't talk to my friends about our issues either. That was disloyal. With that stupid boyfriend I was more alone than I'd ever been, always locked in my room looking at him through a screen. It hurts so much.

 

He slowly got through all my other social media too. He found my reddit account and found a comment I made a year before we started dating about a kink I had (which he was aware of) and he blew up, called me a derogatory nono word, and made me cry for 3 days straight. I remember he wouldn't even talk to me, he'd tell me to shut up and then spam send a screenshot of the comment over and over, as if to humiliate me. He of course said the usual cucking stuff too. The he got my tumblr and went through years of posts about video games and TV shows and checked every one, even the tags, to see if I was attracted to them. He still thinks I have a thing for Jim Halpert from The Office because I reblogged one gif of him and Pam probably 2 years ago. I cannot imagine how he thinks like this. When I came over he'd check my phone, with my consent of course, because if I denied, I was obviously hiding things right? And even when I had nothing I was so scared he'd find something to be insecure about. When I was on my phone he always thought I was texting someone or he was being cucked. I was playing games on my phone every single time. It was always ending the same, he'd "forgive me" and then it'd happen again and he'd say I was lying to him over and over. Because I didn't remember I'd called someone hot on social media two years ago.

 

During all of this I made the hour drives to see him. Then he went to a uni close to my city, about a thirty minute drive away. His university even had a bus that went straight downtown. But every time it was me driving to see him in his tiny dorm room instead of my house, where we could barely fit on the bed. When I wanted him to visit me, he took an Uber. Then he said it was too expensive to Uber there. So the cycle continued. I'd buy him food, cleaning supplies for his dorm room, help clean his room, even helped him set up his fridge and microwave. Then we'd just eat instant noodles in his room and watch videos. When we did go out on dates, it was where he wanted to go. On my birthday he wanted fish and chips, so we went to a pub and I paid. We went to another fish and chips place. I wanted to get clam chowder, but that wasn't kosher, so then he wouldn't kiss me. I got fish and chips and ate only half of it. We split the bill but everytime he paid he said he was running out of money and he couldn't afford to go to these places. Even though he was the one who wanted to in the first place. And the reason he had no money was because he spent it all on clothes (he was obsessed with boots) and beauty products. He'd even send me candy and buy me stuffed animals, which I loved at the time, but now I just think he didn't know anything about saving. Me and my family always offered to have dinner with him at our house, of no cost to him, but he never came. The one time he did come, it was because I was alone in the house.

 

Basically it was about sex, and I'm incredibly stupid for not having realized it sooner. He was obsessed with sex. I already mentioned the anime girls he really liked, so he shifted that onto me. I bought thigh highs and skirts (I dress emo, so this was a big change for me) because he found it hot. I'd never been sought after before, I always thought I was ugly, so I ate it all up. I became his little toy. Skype sex, sometimes 3 times a day, where I'd just lay down in thigh highs. Everytime we went to the mall, the only place we could have our dates, it would take less than an hour before he wanted a blowjob in the bathroom. He was in my house for exactly 30 seconds before he wanted to have sex. He didn't want to wear condoms under any circumstances, so I got an arm implant, but I would bleed from the hormones, so after two months I got it removed. The whole time he was incredibly impatient, always asking if I was bleeding, if I was going to stop bleeding, making me check because he wanted to get laid. If I was bleeding it was blowjobs. I was so incredibly stressed from this, and I told him, and he said he understood, but once he got horny he just wouldn't stop asking until something was done. Once I was on the pill and he had the go it was all about him. It always hurt and I was sore as hell afterwards, and he'd instantly want a round two. When I said no, he'd get insecure, say I wasn't attracted to him. Or he would say he's disgusting for being so horny, say he should get castrated, and then hit himself in the privates. That scared the hell out of me. I spent too much time in pain in the bathroom of his dorm wanting to cry. I can't say I was ever raped, because I consented to all of it, and enjoyed some of it, but I'm so incredibly messed up sexually now. I hate any mention of the act and I feel so used and disgusting.

 

I finally broke up with him because of this quarantine. As bad as it is, bless it. He was at home with his family, who wouldn't let him leave, so he couldn't come and stalk me thank god. It started as a talk about religion of course. During our relationship he said if we had children they'd be raised as Conservative Jews. When we moved in together I couldn't bring non-kosher found in the house. I couldn't eat bread during Passover. All the little rules like that. No Christmas, nothing from Christianity, what I'd been raised with. I blindly accepted because I'm stupid and have no respect for my own beliefs. When I did tell him my spiritual beliefs (believing in spirits and a sort of reincarnation) he mocked me. We were both stuck at home. He started sharing passages from Jewish texts to me, and sometimes we'd argue because I didn't agree with those beliefs. I'm sure stronger people could've done this, could've converted and done all of this, but at some point I just snapped. I don't even believe in his God, why am I doing all this? Why am I giving up so much? Then the religious arguments became moral arguments, and now there was nothing but ugliness. Since these weren't things that could change, I thought it was best to break up, since we disagreed so much. But that just but him in another frantic episode. The cucking accusations came again, he said he wouldn't let me go, and I don't know, all of the craziness kind of finally clicked into place. He messaged me nonstop wanting to "resolve" things until I had a panic attack and just blocked him everywhere.

 

I'm sure to him I'm the coward, the liar, the bad woman that broke his heart and stomped all over him. I know I did things wrong too, and maybe I really did deserve some of it. Maybe if I hadn't been a doormat at the start I could have set healthy boundaries. Maybe my mental illnesses had to do with it. But I'm so tired now, I'm so broken, and I just give up. I can't do this anymore, and the trauma from all of his outbursts honestly hurts. After I blocked him he went to all our mutual friends and cried to them about me. I don't know what he said but they don't really talk to me anymore. I don't know how to tell my other friends about this, when I always gave them smiles and said everything was perfect. I feel incredibly alone.

 

It's good I'm alone instead of still waiting on him though. Since we broke up I've been able to get back to drawing and my passion projects, and I can finally watch the shows I want to watch without judgement, so there's that I guess. Also I was able to take the figurine of that male character I liked out of the closet, where I hid it from him, and put it back on my bookshelf. I realize this is absurd but I'm just glad I'm out of that hell.

 

Thank you for reading this long mess. I hope it doesn't break any rules. I just needed to get it off my chest. Enjoy this messed up tale.

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Not sure if you're looking for feedback here, or just looking to frame things for yourself, but for what it's worth? I read this and come away with two main thoughts.

 

The first: you have a really terrific handle on this, an ability to see what's what, even as it turned your head upside-down a few times over, suffocated your heart and spirit, and pulled you into some weird terrain. Rare stuff, that, which will serve you well in metabolizing experience into lessons, lessons into growth, and growth into healthier connections, be it with yourself or with others. Sometimes we have to get a little lost to get a little found, as the fortune cookies say.

 

The second: Well, I'm just very sorry. Dude is very, very immature, and whether it's a state he grows out over time, or further into—well, what's important is that you're no longer a passenger on that sputtering ship. Not quite sure any of us escape life without a relationship or two (or more!) that wreak some havoc on the spirits, particularly when we're young and it's all so new. Like anything we haven't done before—riding a bike, jumping off a diving board—there are bound to be some injuries and embarrassments. My life, and love life, are peppered with plenty, and I've been alive exactly twice as long as you. Hopefully this one doesn't get you too down, in the long run.

 

Keep feeling, keep reflecting, keep distancing from this bonfire. That's the path forward, to whatever is on the other side of this: connections that aren't so puerile, connections where certain ingredients (possession, obsession, lust, jealousy) aren't mistaken for the spice of love but are seen for what they are—blockades to all that sincerely intense stuff. I could say more, but my gut says you're already seeing this—and, hey, if you needed this weird slip on the romantic ice to see it all? That's not nothing. Lots more life to live on the horizon—and, from this experience, some sharper tools to go about the business of living it.

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Tell me you have dumped him. Tell me you have blocked and deleted him from every possible method of contact. Tell me he cant see your social media. Tell me you are DONE!

 

This guy is one hell of a screwed up mess. He needs some serious therapy. Is he in therapy? How about you? Any therapy for you to learn why you put up with this for so long? It seems you figured out at some point that he was bad news and you needed to get away from him, but why did it take so long?

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