Unexpected feelings for an ex

So, I met up with an ex yesterday. We hadn't seen each other in 10 years, and dated when we were both very young (15 years old). Hadn't been in contact since then as I moved away (reason we broke up) and she moved on.

Fast forward to now, and we both had pretty bad relationships that we learned lessons from, and are still learning lessons from. Many of you know my story, and she does too. She got in touch with me basically to see how I was and possibly reconnect as friends. She lives in my city now and although it was years ago and we were so young we got along really well so I decided to reply and see if we could be friends.

Yesterday we hung out and it was awesome. We reminisced about the past, our silly teenage years, laughed over our experiences and generally caught each other up on our lives. I'll be honest, I was caught completely off guard. We have both changed alot, but it's easy to see why I liked her as a teen. We have the same sense of humour, a level of comfort together which is hard to match, and just click really well.

This is where I ask for advice. There are feelings there. Strong ones. Neither of us anticipated this, I mean, after 10 years and long term relationships why would you?

I'm trying to think of where to go from here. I definitely want to remain friends, I haven't felt so comfortable and happy around someone in a long time. At the same time i am very aware that I am no where near ready to seriously date someone. I don't know how she feels but at dropping slight hints she isn't opposed to it.

Should I just remain friends and see where it goes?

You are looking to relieve the intense pain from your recent breakup. You are merely transferring the feelings for your ex onto her.

Please confer with your therapist to find out if he/she feels you are in a good place to start a new relationship.

Based on the absolute despair with which you have been posting as recently as a couple of days ago, I would strongly caution against even thinking about starting up with this ex again.

Keep this in mind too...do you want to hurt her? When you realize dating her is a bad idea and pull back, you could hurt her as badly as your most recent ex hurt you. I doubt you want that.

You are looking to relieve the intense pain from your recent breakup. You are merely transferring the feelings for your ex onto her.

 

Please confer with your therapist to find out if he/she feels you are in a good place to start a new relationship.

 

Based on the absolute despair with which you have been posting as recently as a couple of days ago, I would strongly caution against even thinking about starting up with this ex again.

 

Keep this in mind too...do you want to hurt her? When you realize dating her is a bad idea and pull back, you could hurt her as badly as your most recent ex hurt you. I doubt you want that.

Very good advice, boltnrun.

I am completely aware of that, and don't want to hurt her. I see my psychologist today and will talk about it. I know personally i am not in a place for it.

I have no intention of starting a relationship anytime soon, I guess I want to remain friends and not cross a boundary into a situationship. Is That possible? I think i can do it, but I also am well aware that feelings are not to be messed with.

There are feelings there. Strong ones.

These two sentences, I think, could also describe your general state of being before meeting up with her. About your recent ex. About the business of inhabiting your skin these days. About life in general.

I don't say that to negate whatever feelings were stirred by this meeting, but to try to see them in a larger context. A walk around the block probably stirs some strong feelings in you right now, so a meet up with an ex is bound to do the same. The smallest glass of water can feel profound when we're thirsty, or when we're high on drugs, and in ways the state of a breakup is kind of a combo of that—the headspace of someone wandering the desert on ecstasy.

My advice? See about practicing something that will serve you well, now and later, which is being able to observe a spike in a "strong feeling" without needing to react to it, assign instant meaning to it. You know, in your cells, that you're in no space to start a relationship right now. Doesn't mean you won't feel whiffs of attraction, distraction, hope, and so on, no different than the flip side of those feelings: desire, loneliness, self-recrimination. Key is to ride them about a bit, without letting them ride you.

You know you better than us, so you know if you're capable of friendship. Some people are better at these sorts of things than others. Watching from the sidelines, I guess my concern is that you're kind of eager to get to the "next stage" of all this, and I worry you're kind of looking for someone other than yourself, and something other than time, to be the thing that gets you there.

Hello,

I'm new to the forum so don't know about your past relationships or situation. BUT I can give you advice based on my situation that was very similar years ago.

I had boyfriend in my teens and we split up because of distance and I met up with him around 10 years later very soon after I had been through a 7 year relationship with another man and split. We hit it off instantly, there was chemistry and history there which was undeniable and we ended up having a 10 month relationship that was all about sex and me trying to feel good. I know I transferred a lot of the emotions from my long term relationship to that one. Needless to say it fizzled out, we split and no longer talk and I feel I lost him as a friend.

I'm not sure what you can take from this but I would advise caution as obviously you have a positive relationship with this person. Just tread lightly as you never know where this may lead when you have a history with someone. If you truly want them as a friend then you perhaps need to see where they're coming from and what they want from meeting up. We're they looking to rekindle an old flame? Unfinished business? Or is it truly friendship.

Good luck though, having a friend that eventually turns into more isn't a bad thing as long as you're both emotionally ready I think.

I;m married to my ex fiancee. almost 8 years in between relationships. I'd ended a serious relationship 5 months earlier and he'd recently ended one. I am totally sure it would never have worked had we tried to just be friends. We got together for a friendly catch up dinner -we'd been in sporadic contact by email over the years- and seen each other one time for a quick dinner about 1.5 years earlier - but I know it was because during our third platonic meeting when he asked if we could get back together - that we were able to make a go of it. And because it was 100% clear why we were getting back together -to see if we should marry. We were exclusive from that point on. Had it been anything less official it never would have worked because we both had to be all in. And we were. We still are and we've been back together for 15 years this month, married for 11.

Someone who worked for me years ago got out of a very toxic relationship and the following weekend met a great guy. On the one hand she wasn't ready for anything, on the other hand, her intuition told her that she met someone special and genuine. She gave him a shot and dealt with her baggage quietly - meaning she didn't make the new relationship about that and didn't allow her baggage to get in the way of it. They got married two years later and have been happily married for over a decade now, still happy together. However, important to note is that he didn't play rescuer and she didn't play damsel in distress. It's a very even keeled, equal relationship and was so from the get go.

My point is that you never know when life will put someone who is good for you in your path and when that happens, maybe you shouldn't push them away. That said, you do need to get a grip on your emotions about your recent ex. Whether you indulge your emotions and let them rule and destroy you or whether you get control over them is a choice at the end of the day. So maybe seek to tone down the "omg it's the best connection/emotion ever or worst ever." to simply you met someone you used to get along with well and are finding that it still seems true for today, but who knows if that will hold true tomorrow or the day after as you reconnect and learn how you each changed over the years more. Strive to keep a more open mind, live in the present, day by day rather than in emotional absolutes.

It's up to you if you're ready for something new, regardless of how deep this goes. 25 is so young. When I was 25 I didn't know anything about what love was. I thought I did and fell hard and also moved on fairly quickly. There was never a problem finding interesting people to get to know. I didn't date any exes through more of a lack of interest or wanting to see more. There's no hard and fast rule.

I think older people might move a little slower because concepts of love and commitment change and evolve over time and we're all, of course, viewing through our own lens. For example, after being married, I'm finding the vast majority of individuals lacking in depth. I know something in me must have changed dramatically over the course of time and it's not anyone's fault. There's only so little I find truly engaging.

Enjoy your youth.