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Many of you know the story of my life. I can’t seem to place my dad on a level of abuse scale. He did deny us necessities of life like food and clothing . He heaped mental and emotional abuse on us but 99% of the physical abuse was saved for our mom. He did try to sexually fondle me once but saw the look of horror on my face immediately stopped and never did it again. ( non of my family knows that detail) He committed parental kidnapping.

 

I have no emotional feeling about any of it most of the time due to treatment, occasionally I get angry when he adds strife to my life.

 

I feel though due to my life I am not a good judge of his level of abusive treatment as some of it may have been normalized in my mind over time.

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I am not sure it matters, to be honest, because clearly his behavior was so abhorrent that you are under no obligation to have anything to do with him and those that tell you different are simply wrong. What matters is that you have overcome your upbringing to have a long, healthy marriage with someone you love and a good relationship with your son. What matters is that you are entitled to live a good, happy life in a way that you choose with the people you choose and that he is not allowed to be a part of that, no matter what. His awfulness is so large that it no longer needs to be measured, it needs to be recognized as completely unacceptable, as is he, and you don't ever have to have anything to do with that. This is your life, you need to spend your time making it as good as possible and making yourself happy because you are a person of value who contributes positive things the world.

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I chose to cut my father out of my life when I turned 18. He did not abuse us but rather neglected us. I figured if he didn't care if we had food or adequate clothing I didn't have to care about him. I don't have hate for him but rather indifference.

 

I understand you still have a relationship with your father and that is fine. No one can decide for you what is right or wrong. Only you, and whatever decision you made is right for you.

 

That being said, I agree you have built a nice life and family. That's really a great accomplishment.

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I agree with previous posters. Your own personal health and wellbeing are what's important here. The focus needs to shift from him to you.

That being said, I can understand if you have confused thoughts and feelings about it. He was your dad and that would confuse anyone that they would behave that way, clearly he had or has his own issues that need sorting out and that is nothing to do with you and neither your fault nor your problem. But in my eyes there are no 'levels' of abuse and no excuses, there's either abusive behaviour or there isn't and clearly he was abusive. It doesn't matter what category it falls under, it was wrong. You may not have suffered as much violence as your mum but you witnessed it and lived with it.

Also, everyone experiences different things in their lives and handles them differently. That doesn't make their experiences any more or less valid. It's just their experience. So try not to think about whether you are a good judge of this experience but rather what can you take from it, what can you learn and what can you help yourself with going forward.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

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I am not sure it matters, to be honest, because clearly his behavior was so abhorrent that you are under no obligation to have anything to do with him and those that tell you different are simply wrong. What matters is that you have overcome your upbringing to have a long, healthy marriage with someone you love and a good relationship with your son. What matters is that you are entitled to live a good, happy life in a way that you choose with the people you choose and that he is not allowed to be a part of that, no matter what. His awfulness is so large that it no longer needs to be measured, it needs to be recognized as completely unacceptable, as is he, and you don't ever have to have anything to do with that. This is your life, you need to spend your time making it as good as possible and making yourself happy because you are a person of value who contributes positive things the world.

 

I guess it doesn’t matter as I have built my own life and am happy with it for the most part. I am mostly estranged from my dad except a phone call a few times a year and one visit a year at Christmas.

 

Thank you .

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I chose to cut my father out of my life when I turned 18. He did not abuse us but rather neglected us. I figured if he didn't care if we had food or adequate clothing I didn't have to care about him. I don't have hate for him but rather indifference.

 

I understand you still have a relationship with your father and that is fine. No one can decide for you what is right or wrong. Only you, and whatever decision you made is right for you.

 

That being said, I agree you have built a nice life and family. That's really a great accomplishment.

True , I have a very limited relationship with him as much his idea as mine as he hates people. I think the only reason I do is out of guilt.

 

Thank you .

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I agree with previous posters. Your own personal health and wellbeing are what's important here. The focus needs to shift from him to you.

That being said, I can understand if you have confused thoughts and feelings about it. He was your dad and that would confuse anyone that they would behave that way, clearly he had or has his own issues that need sorting out and that is nothing to do with you and neither your fault nor your problem. But in my eyes there are no 'levels' of abuse and no excuses, there's either abusive behaviour or there isn't and clearly he was abusive. It doesn't matter what category it falls under, it was wrong. You may not have suffered as much violence as your mum but you witnessed it and lived with it.

Also, everyone experiences different things in their lives and handles them differently. That doesn't make their experiences any more or less valid. It's just their experience. So try not to think about whether you are a good judge of this experience but rather what can you take from it, what can you learn and what can you help yourself with going forward.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

He is no longer a focus thank goodness. I have had a mostly estranged relationship with him for 3 decades and have had tons of therapy for the damage he and his family left in their wake.

 

I built my own life for which I am so grateful.

 

Thank you .

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Close this door, heal. Don't remain in contact with him. If you find yourself having painful and anxious thoughts, think about your immediate family that you've built and cherish your family now. Looking back like this isn't healthy.

 

If there are unresolved issues, work them out but don't keep dwelling on them. You have to refocus and get back to the present moment, come back to your family.

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Close this door, heal. Don't remain in contact with him. If you find yourself having painful and anxious thoughts, think about your immediate family that you've built and cherish your family now. Looking back like this isn't healthy.

 

If there are unresolved issues, work them out but don't keep dwelling on them. You have to refocus and get back to the present moment, come back to your family.

He hasn’t got a lot of time left to live, so this will resolve itself in a few years. Unfortunately, both my parents have fatal conditions and will be gone in a few years.

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Have you ever noticed that those who treat loyalty as of the utmost of importance in personal relationships are the ones who behave in a variety of unacceptable ways and use the idea of loyalty to avoid being abandoned? People who are good and loving never really talk about family loyalty -- they don't have to.

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I feel like since my father didn't have loyalty to the children HE chose to create, I don't owe him any loyalty. He literally did not care if we ate, had adequate clothing or if we were healthy. He actually said he didn't know why our mother expected him to take care of those things. He told her to ask her family for money to provide for us. He's selfish and self absorbed.

 

I would ask, if he was not your father and knowing the qualities he has, would you choose to befriend him or have a romantic relationship with him? Would you feel obligated to be loyal to him?

 

And I totally get how it is much more complicated because he is your parent. We all want to love and be loved by our parents. But we also have to look out for our own mental and emotional health because they for sure are not going to.

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I think that you need to be honest with yourself to understand what you get by remaining in contact.

 

This is not a healthy connection.

 

You have done so well with your relationship with your family, despite this painful upbringing. I think that that is amazing!

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Have you ever noticed that those who treat loyalty as of the utmost of importance in personal relationships are the ones who behave in a variety of unacceptable ways and use the idea of loyalty to avoid being abandoned? People who are good and loving never really talk about family loyalty -- they don't have to.

 

Oh my dad never talked about loyalty. My mom taught me about loyalty through her actions and life.

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I feel like since my father didn't have loyalty to the children HE chose to create, I don't owe him any loyalty. He literally did not care if we ate, had adequate clothing or if we were healthy. He actually said he didn't know why our mother expected him to take care of those things. He told her to ask her family for money to provide for us. He's selfish and self absorbed.

 

I would ask, if he was not your father and knowing the qualities he has, would you choose to befriend him or have a romantic relationship with him? Would you feel obligated to be loyal to him?

 

And I totally get how it is much more complicated because he is your parent. We all want to love and be loved by our parents. But we also have to look out for our own mental and emotional health because they for sure are not going to.

If he was nobody to me I would not have bothered at all.

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I think that you need to be honest with yourself to understand what you get by remaining in contact.

 

This is not a healthy connection.

 

You have done so well with your relationship with your family, despite this painful upbringing. I think that that is amazing!

Thanks!

 

I think I feel sad for him and I do love him .

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I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

It’s harder when it’s family. I was abused by my oldest brother when I was 7 and him 14. I don’t see or speak to him unless there’s family gatherings. Even then I still keep my distance. When you’ve been treated poorly by someone whose supposed to have your back it’s conflicting.

 

I think you need to look at your father as someone who had so many issues, that it was never you personally. It’s easy to carry around guilt and ask why they did what they did to you.

 

Since your father is dying I can see why you want to make peace. You just have to accept this may not be peace you can make with him but only for yourself. It may even happen after he’s gone.

 

I’m sorry it’s tough and I wish you hadn’t gone through it. You came out on top! You have a wonderful family you made of your own.

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I think the question you need to ask yourself is what will give you peace? What can you live with in peace? Then act accordingly.

 

Basically, if being there for him in his last days will let you let go and move on feeling well about that decision, then do it. If cutting him off completely will let you feel good and move on, then do it. Or pretty much any variation or combination in between. It's a question you have to answer for yourself - what choice can you make today that will allow you to move into your future in peace.

 

To answer your original question.....anyone who has ever been abused normalized it to some extent. It is necessary for the victim's sanity and survival. How much normalized, it doesn't even matter. Enough to make it to another day. What matters is that it allowed you to move on and have a healthy marriage, a child, a loving committed relationship. You've achieved more than most in many ways despite so many challenges.

 

As your parents are reaching the end of their journey, choose from your heart how you say goodbye and what you choose to do. In the end, that's what will give you peace. Trying to be logical or rational or analytical about that doesn't really work and will only leave you with regrets and guilt.

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I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

It’s harder when it’s family. I was abused by my oldest brother when I was 7 and him 14. I don’t see or speak to him unless there’s family gatherings. Even then I still keep my distance. When you’ve been treated poorly by someone whose supposed to have your back it’s conflicting.

 

I think you need to look at your father as someone who had so many issues, that it was never you personally. It’s easy to carry around guilt and ask why they did what they did to you.

 

Since your father is dying I can see why you want to make peace. You just have to accept this may not be peace you can make with him but only for yourself. It may even happen after he’s gone.

 

I’m sorry it’s tough and I wish you hadn’t gone through it. You came out on top! You have a wonderful family you made of your own.

Thank you so much . It is difficult and I would like peace before he goes .

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I think the question you need to ask yourself is what will give you peace? What can you live with in peace? Then act accordingly.

 

Basically, if being there for him in his last days will let you let go and move on feeling well about that decision, then do it. If cutting him off completely will let you feel good and move on, then do it. Or pretty much any variation or combination in between. It's a question you have to answer for yourself - what choice can you make today that will allow you to move into your future in peace.

 

To answer your original question.....anyone who has ever been abused normalized it to some extent. It is necessary for the victim's sanity and survival. How much normalized, it doesn't even matter. Enough to make it to another day. What matters is that it allowed you to move on and have a healthy marriage, a child, a loving committed relationship. You've achieved more than most in many ways despite so many challenges.

 

As your parents are reaching the end of their journey, choose from your heart how you say goodbye and what you choose to do. In the end, that's what will give you peace. Trying to be logical or rational or analytical about that doesn't really work and will only leave you with regrets and guilt.

 

Thank you that was a very beautiful post and it gives me hope that there will be peace for me before my dad leaves this world.

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