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Thread: Is it porn or is it me?

  1. #1

    Is it porn or is it me?

    Hi everyone,

    This is my first post here and I feel like I'm just reaching for answers from someone, anyone.
    So a bit of background first: been with my partner for 6 years and we have a 1 year old together. We have a home and both have good jobs. We were extremely physical in the beginning of our relationship and couldn't keep our hands off eachother.

    The last 2 years have been a massive slump. Since I got pregnant he has hardly touched me (in fact twice in 2 years which I will mention later). When we were trying to conceive I suffered a few miscarriages and the last one before our full term pregnancy ended in me being incredibly ill in hospital and nearly dying. It's been a crazy few years.
    But we 're out the other side with our child and I am back to full health. The last 2 times we had sex I instigated it. 1 being when I was pregnant and waaaaay overdue and wanted to try anything to get the baby out - he wasn't impressed and didn't enjoy it.
    Second time being when we had a long discussion about how I felt unwanted and unloved and unsexy and we ended up talking ourselves into a quickie while the baby napped. Needless to say it wasn't very romantic.

    Now the other issue is he watches porn almost daily (I've seen his phone history as it's linked to my laptop and comes up with the searches - I wasn't snooping) and he has watched it regularly when I'm in the house. He doesn't come to bed with me at night and often falls asleep on the sofa. He's just not interested in me at all but always has an excuse as it why and it ends up in an argument if I bring it up. The ONLY time he tried to initiate sex was when our baby was 2 months old and I was still sore from giving birth and my family were on holiday with us. The least romantic scenario I could think of!! I didn't want our first time since the baby was born as a quickie when someone could walk in so I explained why and said no.

    I just wish he could understand why it offends me and why I'm worried. I'm really not sure what to do and to be honest it makes me not want to bother initiating sex because I feel so hurt.
    What should I do? Or do I just need to accept that this is our life now? Other people seem to be having weekly sex and I'm getting it yearly. What is going on? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it seems like you've become estranged from stress, parenting and he has become too accustomed to porn. There are a few lifestyle changes you could make such as as having some regular uninterrupted alone time leaving the child with friends or family to babysit. Another is couples therapy to start a dialogue about affection, sex and romance.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree on couples therapy. He's not even trying to engage with you and is satisfying his needs through porn. That's not okay.

    This is something you need to sit down and talk to him about. It's already gotten to be fairly serious as he's not sleeping with you anymore and barely having sex with you anymore.
    It's not something you should keep trying to avoid. This could easily cause a divorce.

    Just face it head on and ask him if he's happy, or why he isn't. Why it is he prefers sex with a video and not you and lastly, if he's willing to work through this with you, or not.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Your discussions haven't worked, and he likely doesn't see a problem with watching porn daily, so I highly doubt you can get this resolved without professional help.

    I'd tell him that you love him and want the marriage to work, so you want him to attend marital counseling with you. That might lead to the counselor suggesting individual counseling for him. If he refuses, I would show him the seriousness of the situation and tell him you're going to see a counselor yourself, and that you're not going to live the rest of your life as it is now.

    If he can't meet you halfway in fixing what's broken, then no, you shouldn't give up a happy life--the only one you're given--when he doesn't care that you're unhappy and dissatisfied. Many people have first marriages that don't work out. I'm sorry this has happened to you. My first marriage ended for different reasons. I'm far happier in my second marriage. Yeah, it was a rough transition period before that happened, but such is life. Have confidence you will handle whatever fork in the road you have to take.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, at this point you really do have only two options, a marriage counselor or a divorce attorney.

    I hope you make that known to him as he is treating you poorly.

    Having a baby can be very stressful on a couple, but instead of working with you, he's off doing his own thing. That dynamic will end in divorce.

  7. #6
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Maybe he is terrified of sex leading to more miscarriages and your death? Maybe he is traumatized?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Maybe he is terrified of sex leading to more miscarriages and your death? Maybe he is traumatized?
    I was thinking along similar lines.
    Something emotionally he is trying to process after the miscarriages and facing the possibility of losing you due to pregnancy.
    Porn is safe. No one can get pregnant, no chance of death or miscarriage, no grief, and no worries.
    Is he still affectionate and loving towards you? Does he have a good relationship with the little one?
    Can you approach it differently, and leave your offense aside? There's something wrong. He's pulling away. If he is struggling emotionally, he may already be very hard on himself for not just springing right back from what are very distressing events, and feeling like a failure.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Porn is safe. No one can get pregnant, no chance of death or miscarriage, no grief, and no worries.
    Yes, but on some level he must realize he is compromising his marriage by ignoring his wife and going to porn.

    Despite his possible worries, he is still making things worse.

    I think there are two possibilities, that he is still processing the traumatic outcome or that he is a bad husband and prefers porn.

    He is definitely withdrawing from his wife, but it might simply be that he's not ready to be a husband or a father and is being selfish. ( I went through similar with my ex husband).

    As to which one it is, you'd have to ask him, OP. But this is not something that should keep being pushed under the rug.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I sincerely hope he's not just a bad partner who isn't wanting marriage and to be a dad, especially considering they went through multiple miscarriages to have a child.

    I can only imagine how emotionally exhausting it would be to go through all that. I had one pregnancy which ended in miscarriage, was very sick and depressed for a time. It was difficult on our relationship, the grief and emotions for both of us, even though we have a solid one. We did get through it, but imaging several in succession and then the necessary energy focus and attention on a child... I don't know, it seems odd to me to expect to be ok after that with no leftover emotional issues to sort through.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Not so much, not wanting marriage or to be a dad, more so overwhelmed with it and not as ready as he thought he was.

    Again, I am only going on my experience, but my ex was still somewhat immature, not as experienced as he might have liked to have been. He went into a bit of a mid life crisis so to speak when he suddenly realized the responsibilities he now had as not only someone's husband, but someone's father. Reverted back to acting more single than a married man, wanted to go back to his early twenties, etc.

    I'm not saying 100% that this is the case, but for some men, it can be overwhelming and they start feeling like they want to go back to being a single man etc.

    It is true that it is more than possible that he is traumatized and needs some kind of counselling to cope, but without OP talking to her husband, we are just guessing what is going on with him.

    Watching porn to that degree though, makes me wonder. Someone who is traumatized and depressed, won't normally feel like doing that.

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