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Ex moving on so fast


Maroon1986

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Just came out a 7 month relationship, we were so close but decided it wouldn't work as we both work together and couldn't stop the mix between work and pleasure. We were both in relationships when we first met but we grew closer and closer. We ended our relationships as we knew they were not right for us before we took anything further. Im 36 and she is 24.

 

When we broke up, we decided to remain close as friends. We were and still are hurting. The love is still there. She messaged me to say she can't stop thinking about me. In the same messages she says how she went on Tinder and has met someone. Not for sex but getting to know them so that they can be in a relationship. This all happened within 10 days of breaking up.

 

I found this has destroyed my confidence and all the good stuff I feel for her. I get a message from her asking for sex one last time for she has to comit to the new guy. How can she move on so quick and forget me. I feel like she has no respect for me or how we were. Help. I'm hurting. My head is screwed.

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Yup I did the same thing...and it was a disaster. I can't stress enough that dating a coworker is the worst thing you can do. Oh well you live and learn. I would say it was a rebound relaitonship, that came out of an emotional affair. She's 24, and still learning the ropes about feelings, and relationships. It seems it was more about the sex for her, so no real emotional attachment, that's why she's gone off somewhere else so quickly. Plus, she's young, she's gonna be hitting this and that for years to come. You two are at different stages of life.

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Be very careful. You can get into a lot of trouble for dating a young woman you supervise at work.

 

Do not berate her over messages. Do not beg or plead over messages and do not mention anything about sex. Those messages could be shown to the HR department at work and get you into a lot of hot water.

 

I hope you know now to never again break your rule of not getting personally involved with the women you supervise.

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Sorry about this.

 

I'd try to frame this differently, more maturely. Part of the reason it's very hard to remain friends with an ex, especially right away, is that in our emotional state we can't help but make their choices about us, when they're not.

 

Let's say you were a stranger observing this: What would you think? Me being a stranger, I'll tell you that I don't see anything here about her "forgetting" you or "disrespecting" you or even "moving on," so much as I see a young woman who can't be alone and doesn't handle complicated feelings with a lot of grace. Pretty human, all in all, if not the cutest look. But, hey, when you were drifting into your 30s she was still drifting out of her teenage years, so maybe have some perspective?

 

She's just doing the same thing as every other human being on the planet: living her life, best she sees fit. That means going onto Tinder to fill a void, while reaching back to that very void (i.e. you) for more soothing. The question to ask is: Do you really want to be friends with someone who is in such a moment? Is that good for you, healthy, positive for your own path? Or does it risk pulling you back to a moment in your own development that doesn't quite jibe with being closer to 40, as you are, than 20, as she is?

 

After all, you wouldn't have had this relationship if she—and, well, you—wasn't someone with a propensity to hop from one romance into another. So while I know this hurts, I don't think it's something to be surprised about and can't help but feel some of your angst about her might be away of avoiding some reflection about your own choices. So, feel what you need to feel, and put some distance in place so you're not pressing down on the wounds that need your respect. She's free to make whatever choices she wants right now, with those choices only a reflection of where she's at right now in her life.

 

But where do you want to be, in yours? That's the question to focus on.

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I have deleted her from all social media and trying to keep myself away from contact. I know at work things will be OK. I'm just struggling to deal with how quick she moved for a new bloke. That's what hurts like mad and I'm struggling with

 

This new guy is a rebound, and it may well not last. Keep being professional or this could bite you in the butt.

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Not that it is anything to do with me now but surely the chances of the new relationship lasting are slim? We are both so emotionally drained. I not considered doing that myself as I dont feel I could give the right amount of commitment as I have not recovered

 

Sure, if I was a gambler I wouldn't put a whole lot of money on this being her forever thing. Wouldn't have put much money on your two either, given the nuts and bolts: co-workers, age gap, a romance built on the backs of old romances. Just being honest.

 

If what you want, in the big picutre of your life, is a sustained relationship built on a solid foundation, I would use this time to reflect on both this relationship and whether the way you're handling the breakup (talking to an ex about her Tinder pursuits, etc.) is priming you to be the sort of a man a woman closer to your age would take seriously as a potential partner.

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I get that totally now. We are a different stages. I really do want the best for her. I will always support her at work. I'm just hurt and disappointed it took so little time to move on. I'm reflecting on me and how I move forward. I just dont know how to stop my mind thinking "what are they upto?" "Are they already falling for eachother?" And sexually getting closer?" I try not to think about it but its so hard.

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You're in different stages of life.12 years is huge between you two. And you are in a position of authority above at work. It's completely inappropriate for you to be in any kind of romantic relationship.

 

Do as you said, cut all contact outside of work. When you are feeling better,date someone your age and outside of the office.Look at as a lesson to learn from.

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Only you know why she decided to start seeking something else probably for a while now. People "move on" long before a relation has it's final end. You knew that when you "decided the relationship as we knew they were not right for us before we took anything further".

I'm just hurt and disappointed it took so little time to move on.
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A few questions for clarity:

 

Who actually initiated the break-up? (I am sensing it was her)

 

In what ways did you two not know how to manage the personal and professional? And did she just offer up the fact that she's on Tinder, or was this something you asked her about?

 

As the others have said, she is too young for you at this point in her life. It seems you realize this now, but moving forward, it's a good idea to date women closer to your age. The early-mid 20s and mid-late 30s are just generally not a compatible age gap. The other thing to remember is that you two started getting close while still dating other people. She's doing that again, to some extent, in that she's gone looking for someone else to cushion the fall from this break-up. The might make a go of it, they might not. It doesn't really change the end result for you, which is simply that you two were evidently not a match, for a variety of reasons.

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You moved on from your previous ex to her equally fast so feeling indignant about her moving on to someone else sounds like the kettle calling the pot black. Plus, she monkey branched from her previous ex to you. She is only repeating the same. She had already shown you what she is capable of. A stable woman wouldn't have monkey branched to her much older boss like that to begin with. Imo, you need to step back and reflect on your choices. She had shown who she was...

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I initiated it by saying we are letting this change how we are at work. A week later we agreed to keep things work related. 1 week later she messages on a Sunday evening saying she misses me. I say you will find someone but let's just try to move on and let go. I get told, I am trying and met soneone on Tinder. We kissed but all I think about is you. I just felt we both needed time to heal. She is getting to know the other guy. Its now nothing to do with me. I need to heal . She is not thinking straight so trying to move on a different way. I know we were not right and also know our age showed many differences. My ask was how to remove the pain quicker knowing another guy is already getting to know her.

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My ask was how to remove the pain quicker knowing another guy is already getting to know her.

 

In order to remove the pain quicker you need to remove from your life what is causing it i.e. her. That means that you need to stop talking to her about what she does in her personal life. Do not talk to her unless it's strictly work related and try to cut down the time that you spend with her to the absolute minimum. The pain will eventually get better, one day at a time.

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