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Thread: Did all wrong with my life

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Aug 2020
    Posts
    4

    Did all wrong with my life

    Hello
    Sorry for the long thread.

    I feel really down.
    I was trying to live my life toward advancement and continual growth and I ended nowhere.

    Here is my story.

    I was born in a poor family.
    My parents left me while i was baby to my grandparents to work abroad and earn some money for better future life.
    My grandfather was an alcoholic and when drunk violent. During his violent episodes, my grandmother used to lock two of us in the room in order to protect me.
    I spent there one year, when my parents came back and we started normal life.

    Everything went well till my father started parallel life with his mistress.
    Several years he was hiding this. In the meantime he started to fight my mother and several times physically abused her.
    She was not financially idepended because he was controlling all the family assets and earnings and she accepted all his behavior of this kind so the kids - us would have father (we were living in traditional orthodox society).
    By the way my father has tendency toward violence, likes and has arms, respects his children only if they give him money. He is obsessed with surveillance and keeping his health in super condition.

    In order to meet expectations of my parents I was in that time doing school - best student, and doing successfully sports.
    Through my youthhood my mother stayed with my father because things calmed down in the meantime, she forgave him.
    Yet his behavior stayed the same but now more in the "stealth" mode.
    I have grown up, completed university, found solid job all the time trying to be the best and successful in all the aspects of life.
    I had girlfriends, never married because was thinking that majority of them liked me only because of my (future) successes.
    Eventually I moved to another country chasing carreer.
    My father used my absence to start openly abusing my mother again.
    I didn't know that because my mother wanted to protect me of stress when I was trying to make life from scratch in another country. She didn't tell me.
    Becaouse of that two years ago she had severe stroke.
    This devastated me. I focused all my energy and resources since then to recover her.
    After hospital, rehabilitation center and nursery home, she couldn't come back to our family home because of my father - cause of her stroke.
    I rented appointment for her in my home country.
    Last two years I was traveling all the time between my new home abroad and my mother trying on one side be as much as possible with her and on other side to keep the job.
    I used all the knowledge i gained through sports i did and learned a lot via internet to work together on her rehabilitation.
    This became more difficult with COVID-19 situation.
    Due to between countries regulations I can not bring her with me to my home, and quarantine topic when traveling between countries brings more complexity.
    I can not temporarily take her to nursery home, because of COVID-19 or include other people because they can bring the virus.
    ....
    All this exhausted me energy vise and financially.
    The most challenging is that I don't see bright future anymore.
    I am 45 not married and no children.
    Sorry for such an overwhelming story. At least I feel better after sharing it...

    Please stay well in this unusual times.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    NYC
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    23,206
    I am so sorry.

    You have been an amazing son! Does she have any family that can help with her care?

    Are your parents divorced?

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Aug 2020
    Posts
    4
    Dear Hollyj,
    Thank you for nice words and for reading so long post.
    They are still officially married, but this is just formality because there is not love, respect and support anymore.
    My father told immediately after stroke that he cannot take care of her and that he wants to live his playboy life on his "mission" to stay healthy and "young" as long as possible.

    I have a sister. She lives in a third country struggling financially with her family, so she made prioritization - her family or mother. She has chosen her family. She just occasionally reaches my mother via whatsapp to check how she is. She has not desire to visit her or support.

    My mothers sister withrows from this situation with argument that she needs to take care of her granddaughter.

    ... So its on me.
    I love my mother and would do all for her. She is my mother and she would do the same for me.

    What i learned in this situation is that people are very strong with words to help, but very weak when it comes to doing. This disappointed me, becausa it came from close relatives.
    In such situation everyone disappears, selfishly looking for themselves.

  4. #4
    Gold Member ChellyV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Age
    50
    Posts
    932
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    Female
    Hi Macro,

    Like you, I live away from my parents and have to take care of them financially, almost since I graduated college which is a good 30 years now. Like you, they have idiosyncracies that makes it challenging to be away. However, I suggest you pray and trust the Lord for we cannot do everything! It is just impossible.
    I gather that your mom is not living with you right now, why not ask other distant relatives for help and pay for their services? They key is them knowing your ability to financially sustain her care, sadly, money still propels action..in fact, a lot of action.
    You also need to take care of you. Whatever happened in the past is not lost time, it is preparing you for what is to come. I suggest open your heart and mind and take the leap of faith!

    Please keep us posted.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
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    NYC
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    I donít know what country you are in, but are there any government agencies that can help?

  7. #6

    Join Date
    Aug 2020
    Posts
    4
    Thank you, dear Chelly for sharing your experience and advice.
    Covid19 makes it more difficult to include new people (e.g. Its funny how most people are not aware of the risks it brings to sensitive people such poststroke patients. - difficult to control if they wear masks, wash hands, desinfect groceries... especially when they go out and then back to my mothers apartment...

  8. #7

    Join Date
    Aug 2020
    Posts
    4
    Thank you dear Hollyj,
    My origin (where my mother is now) is from third world country, so not much developed institutions, processes and accountability...


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