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Thread: Why do I feel so low, after what she's doing?

  1. #1
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    Why do I feel so low, after what she's doing?

    Hello. I made a post a week or so ago about my situation, but I wanted to come at it from a different angle. Basically, I've been with my wife for just over 6 years in total and married for 3. We have two children aged 4 and 2. We haven't been getting on for around 18 months or so and haven't even had sex for about 2 years. I've been sleeping on the sofa for over a year aswell.
    Around last Christmas, she told me that she no longer loves me and that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I was heartbroken as no matter how hard things were, I always loved her and wanted to spend my life with her. She kept asking me to leave, but I refused as I didn't want to walk away from her or the children.
    Well three weeks ago, I found out through a friend that she was on multiple dating sites. I asked her about it and after a while, she admitted it. She told me it was just to make new male friends and have a bit of a flirt. It hit me like a rock. We had a few arguments and a couple of days later she left me and moved into her mum's. She also took our children and isn't letting me see them (I'm getting solicitors and courts involved which has really annoyed her)
    Obviously I'm missing the girls like crazy but I'm sure that I will get that part of it sorted eventually.
    The trouble is, I'm missing my wife for no reason at all! All we ever did was argue, we had no love life, slept in separate rooms, she was always moody and bossing me about. She was always right and everything I did was wrong and even my own friends and family disliked her. But I can't get her out of my head and want her back! She even called me this morning to moan at me and saying how the children don't want to see me etc. Why do I miss her so much? The flat is so quiet but still full of all her stuff and all our pictures including the wedding photos everywhere. Nothing I do and no matter how angry I try to get makes it any easier. She's taken my kids and stopping me from seeing them, and I still feel sad for losing her!!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Keep visiting your kids, you are invited and welcome to see them. She just doesn't want you taking them away until you get something in writing.. Your lawyer needs a better idea of what's going on. Why is this lawyer dragging their feet as to a visitation/custody/child support schedule.

    You need to stop wondering why she left. It's been 2 years that things have been estranged and you chose not to fix it then. You refused to leave and are still in the marital home. You need to stop claiming the kids were abducted, when in fact you know where they are and have been invited to visit. It's hurting your case to make wild accusations.

    Was there abuse? Why did she flee with the kids? Do you drink heavily? Have you been to a doctor regarding this protracted procrastination and depressed mindset? You should not be left alone with the kids until you can prove your are mentally healthy.
    Originally Posted by RJB
    I've been able to go round theirs twice just for an hour or so, but either her OR HER MUM has to be present. I have spoken to my solicitor who has suggested we go for 50-50 access/custody, which is what I'm going to go for.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Keep visiting your kids, you are invited and welcome to see them. She just doesn't want you taking them away until you get something in writing.. Your lawyer needs a better idea of what's going on. Why is this lawyer dragging their feet as to a visitation/custody/child support schedule.

    You need to stop wondering why she left. It's been 2 years that things have been estranged and you chose not to fix it then. You refused to leave and are still in the marital home. You need to stop claiming the kids were abducted, when in fact you know where they are and have been invited to visit. It's hurting your case to make wild accusations.

    Was there abuse? Why did she flee with the kids? Do you drink heavily? Have you been to a doctor regarding this protracted procrastination and depressed mindset? You should not be left alone with the kids until you can prove your are mentally healthy.
    My solicitor has sent her a letter (on Thursday) explaining to my wife that I want equal shares care of the girls. I set out my proposals (times I'd pick them up, how my work schedule can be altered to fit around them etc etc). My wife yesterday rang my solicitor, rejecting everything and told her that she doesn't want me around the children without her supervision because she doesn't trust me. The trust issues come from issues between us, (no cheating or violence etc) and as my solicitor told my wife, none of those issues represent a reason why I cannot have my children unsupervised. My wife has even written in her diary a few times this year how SHE has been feeling suicidal and can't cope with the girls. I'm only in this depressed mindset now as I never wanted to lose any of them (including my wife) and it's hurting me to see her already moving on. She's doing things online by all accounts, that she never done with me from the day we first met, such as sexting other men, as she has never been that kind of girl. I've been asked if I'd like to see the girls this afternoon round hers for a couple of hours, which I will do. I've attempted to video call them every night and keep getting rejected. She has now had some sexy underwear delivered to our flat "as she forgot to change the delivery options to her mum's house". She then messaged me to tell me that "even though it's none of your business, they are for me and not for anybody else.". Not once have I said that the kids were abducted, but let's put this on the other foot. What if it was a man who was doing this and refusing the mother any decent access to the children? I bet people would see it differently then. She's refusing to get a solicitor "because she knows her own rights" which seems a bit childish as when this gets to court (which it will) she won't be able to put up a very good case with nonlegal representation or decent advice!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to stop focusing on her sexy underwear. It seems like she is offering supervised visitation, until you can prove otherwise.
    Originally Posted by RJB
    My wife yesterday rang my solicitor, rejecting everything and told her that she doesn't want me around the children without her supervision because she doesn't trust me.

    I've been asked if I'd like to see the girls this afternoon round hers for a couple of hours, which I will do.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's getting messy because she doesn't want to be with you but you're not able to separate that from the shared care for your kids (co-parenting). Those are two separate issues: the relationship/the marriage and the co-parenting. She wants the relationship to end but you're not accepting that or respecting her decision to move forwards.

    I'm not sure if your lawyer is making this part clear to you before going into the legal aspects. I don't think they're paid to do that. Look for help coping with the end of a marriage. These aren't easy things to go through and you'll have to find it in yourself to let go of the marriage if the other person doesn't want to be with you. If you've been able to deny this for two years, it's not surprising that you've conditioned your mind into thinking this too is not quite happening and you still want her, regardless of how dysfunctional or non-functional the relationship is.

    Talk to someone about those issues of denial regarding the relationship and your fears being alone. This is a huge. Don't underestimate it and don't think that you have to do it alone. Facing a different kind of life after spending so long with someone is not easy. Seek help if you need help getting to the under-layers of what's blocking you from accepting that the relationship is over.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is an excellent reason to only allow supervised visitation. You have been subjecting her and your kids to moods, rows and general drama and u instability for over 2 yrs. She can and will document this, with or without an attorney.

    Agree that you need to get your head on straight and stop wallowing, obsessing over her underwear and generally refusing to accept the end and refusing to do anything about the demise for years.

    Your kids have peace now away from your moods and rows.
    Originally Posted by RJB
    . I've been so unhappy over the last two years, but the thought of being alone terrifies me and hurts me so much. I'd rather be arguing with her all day

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    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Exactly, Wiseman. You have pinpointed the heart of the matter.

    OP's words:

    "I've been so unhappy over the last two years, but the thought of being alone terrifies me and hurts me so much. I'd rather be arguing with her all day"


    You need to get on top of these issues, OP, and soon. You are only 28 and have a lot of life before you.

    And, and, OP, at the end of 2015 you stated:

    "I love her so much, but she has told me she doesn't love me."

    and

    "She is my world and without her I'm nothing."
    Last edited by LaHermes; 08-08-2020 at 11:27 AM.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You fear of the unknown, you fear that people will believe her, she, the one you said your vows to, is trying to destroy any relationship you have with your children, and you wonder, how the hell did we get here?

    It's easy for us to tell you to focus on the kids, lawyer this lawyer that, but you have all these emotions whirling around in your head constantly, you can't even think straight. You can't quit this and walk away, but you do need to find time to take a time out, and talk to someone. I suggest you facetime with an online marriage counselor to sort these things out. Even tho it's over, and has been for sometime, at least they can help you gain some perspective. One on one with a professional will help you immensely, even if it's for a few sessions. It will lighten the heaviness you have been experiencing.

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    ďThe trust issues come from issues between us, (no cheating or violence etc) and as my solicitor told my wife, none of those issues represent a reason why I cannot have my children unsupervised.Ē



    What are the trust issues exactly?
    You donít seem to deny them yet you fail to disclose them? Why?

    A defence lawyer only wants to win their case right or wrong.
    That lawyer will tell you everything you want to hear but not necessarily whatís right.

    You have been essentially 2 years estranged from your wife.
    Why would you expect her to stay? And why did you?

    If she has evidence via text or voicemail from you that confirms the reason for her mistrust then no she doesnít need a lawyer. It will negate your lawyers hearsay from you.

    Has she a right to remove the kids from the marital home? Not yet.
    But if you canít provide 24/7 care for the kids at this time then they should be with someone who can?

    Donít you agree? You have been separated for 2 years.
    Are you in a position to full time care for the kids and not work?

    Prove your case through courts. But if the courts saw this thread they would wonder where your priorities lie?

    Who cares what knickers your ex wears? You have kids to be concerned about? Isnít that priority?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Billie28

    ďThe trust issues come from issues between us, (no cheating or violence etc) and as my solicitor told my wife, none of those issues represent a reason why I cannot have my children unsupervised.Ē



    What are the trust issues exactly?
    You donít seem to deny them yet you fail to disclose them? Why?

    A defence lawyer only wants to win their case right or wrong.
    That lawyer will tell you everything you want to hear but not necessarily whatís right.

    You have been essentially 2 years estranged from your wife.
    Why would you expect her to stay? And why did you?

    If she has evidence via text or voicemail from you that confirms the reason for her mistrust then no she doesnít need a lawyer. It will negate your lawyers hearsay from you.

    Has she a right to remove the kids from the marital home? Not yet.
    But if you canít provide 24/7 care for the kids at this time then they should be with someone who can?

    Donít you agree? You have been separated for 2 years.
    Are you in a position to full time care for the kids and not work?

    Prove your case through courts. But if the courts saw this thread they would wonder where your priorities lie?

    Who cares what knickers your ex wears? You have kids to be concerned about? Isnít that priority?
    We always had an agreement that I would pay for the rent, utilities etc, and she would pay for the food shopping, girls clothes and that kind of stuff. Suddenly a couple of years ago, she stopped paying for all of it and so I was paying for everything. I kept telling her that I was getting into financial difficulties and was constantly in debt/overdrawn. She would still not pay and so I was forced to take the money from her account, as if not I would have not been able to provide a roof for our girls to live under or put food on the table. I've admitted too it and have paid the money all back to her. My solicitor knows this and has agreed that it's not ideal, but it doesn't mean I can't take care of my kids. I've even personally spoke to the police who said there is nothing that can be done by her to get me prosecuted etc.
    In terms of providing care for my girls, I've spoken to my boss who is more than happy to alter my working hours so I can have my girls half the week, however it was sorted out. My girls are of course my priority, but how is it good for my wife to be sexting people, looking for hook ups etc all while having the girls with her? That's not providing a stable environment for them is it? What if she started sleeping with different men all the time and bringing different blokes home to the girls? Or as I said the other day, what if it was the other way round. If I had taken the girls and denied their mother from seeing them unsupervised and I started seeing loads of other women, I'd be seen as some kind of sc*mbag!
    Yes the money thing wasn't good, but I was desperate and going through a tough time. I developed a small gambling addiction at the time aswell as I was desperate to have money in the bank to look after the girls. I have not done anything like it for months now and am in a much better financial position. These issues can obviously take away all my trust, but who doesn't do stupid things in life? Or is everyone else totally perfect? At the end of the day, I still love in the marital home, have never physically hurt my wife or children, have taken care of them all, including my youngest daughter's serious, life threatening condition that she has. I never left the relationship as I never wanted to walk away from my my girls or my home. I never asked my wife to leave, it was her choice. But I certainly never asked her to take my children. My wife's mother has a friend who isn't allowed to see his own children because he is a convicted murderer of his own wife, and yet they let him take the girls out by himself, take them into the woods, he comes round and kisses the kids and asks to change nappies for them in private on his own. They trust him, more than me. How is that right?

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