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Thread: My mom will be pissed if I meet my dad's new girlfriend

  1. #1
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    My mom will be pissed if I meet my dad's new girlfriend

    Hey,

    long story short. My parents have always been good to me. Three years ago her met this new woman, and cheated on my mom with her. My parents divorced, my mom found new partner (whom I have met a long time ago) and my father stayed with that woman. Since then my parents profoundly hate each other. I have never met my father's new partner and he is very annoyed with it, saying that I reject his new life, treat him differently, etc.

    The truth is, I don't really care about my parents relationship anymore, I just want to be on good terms with everyone and live a normal life. I'd meet her, but my mother would get very very insulted and mad at me for it (she was pissed at my father's relatives for meeting her).

    Otherwise I live with my mom (moving in a couple of days actually) and since she's been on vacation for two weeks now, I spent quite some time with my father. As usual, he was nice to me and for some reason I promised him that I'll come to visit him and his new partner (which is supposed to happen tomorrow).

    Right now I'm stressing out a lot, thinking that f I go there, my mom will get pissed, if I don't I disappoint my father. This is not even the only similar situation. Whatever I do pisses one of them off and pleases the other, I just can't get a rest.

    What should I do? Should I cancel? Should I go there? I feel so much pressure, I just want to disappear.

    Thank you.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Meet her and donít tell your mom. If you are an adult your mom doesnít need to know everything you do.

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Meet her and donít tell your mom. If you are an adult your mom doesnít need to know everything you do.
    I wouldn't, but she would find out anyway.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry to hear this. What you're describing is almost a carbon copy of my mother's life and what she had to deal with after my grandfather left my grandmother to raise five kids alone. Towards the end of my grandfather's life I accompanied my mum because she was still broken and unsure how to approach her own father as he was dying. I urged her to do it and followed her in all her visits for support. She was so thankful for this because she eventually found peace towards the end of her own life.

    Since you made plans with your father, I think you should go. Don't let the hatred and regret of the past affect you the rest of your life.

    At some point in the near future I think you should have a very clear and candid conversation with your mother that you are determined to have a healthy relationship with your dad and be a part of his life. There's a lot of hesitancy, fear, sadness, betrayal and pain here.

    Make up your mind what you want and then do it but be honest about your intentions and be honest with both of your parents. If they couldn't be the mature ones, you be that person. It's not for them. It's for yourself.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Meet your father's partner and stay out of their hatred for each other. If you can, don't tell or discuss it with your mother. If one brings up the other, simply change the subject and leave the room.

    Don't play games like "if you can't see your dad's partner, she can't see hers". COMPLETELY stay out of it. If she finds out simply say "So"? and leave the room . Stand up to her.
    Originally Posted by imunhappy
    I just want to be on good terms with everyone and live a normal life.
    I live with my mom
    I promised him that I'll come to visit him and his new partner

  7. #6
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    If you want to have a relationship with both parents you will need to have boundaries you with your Mom. Tell her if you canít see your dadĎs girlfriend you canít see her boyfriend.

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    Originally Posted by imunhappy
    Hey,

    long story short. My parents have always been good to me. Three years ago her met this new woman, and cheated on my mom with her. My parents divorced, my mom found new partner (whom I have met a long time ago) and my father stayed with that woman. Since then my parents profoundly hate each other. I have never met my father's new partner and he is very annoyed with it, saying that I reject his new life, treat him differently, etc.

    The truth is, I don't really care about my parents relationship anymore, I just want to be on good terms with everyone and live a normal life. I'd meet her, but my mother would get very very insulted and mad at me for it (she was pissed at my father's relatives for meeting her).

    Otherwise I live with my mom (moving in a couple of days actually) and since she's been on vacation for two weeks now, I spent quite some time with my father. As usual, he was nice to me and for some reason I promised him that I'll come to visit him and his new partner (which is supposed to happen tomorrow).

    Right now I'm stressing out a lot, thinking that f I go there, my mom will get pissed, if I don't I disappoint my father. This is not even the only similar situation. Whatever I do pisses one of them off and pleases the other, I just can't get a rest.

    What should I do? Should I cancel? Should I go there? I feel so much pressure, I just want to disappear.

    Thank you.
    Your mother is acting like a child. You need to decide if you want to be a grown up or let your mother dictate your life and your relationships. If she never wants to talk to your Dad again and hate him forever and be bitter for rest of her life, that's her choice. But it's unreasonable to expect you to do the same. He's your father. And if it's been 3 years and he has stayed with this woman, he clearly loves her and you should meet her. I'm not even sure why your mom is still upset if she has another partner now, too. Meet your Dad's girlfriend. She's going to be in his life now. So if you want to have a relationship with your father, you will have to meet her. If your mom gets mad, who cares? She frankly needs to grow up. Just because she hates your Dad doesn't mean that everyone has to. It's extremely childish of her to be pissed at your Dad's relatives for meeting his new girlfriend. If they broke up, she doesn't get a say in his life anymore. Besides, I'm sure she hasn't kept her own boyfriend locked up- after all, YOU have met him!

    Stop worrying about them being mad. You can't control their emotions or how they feel about each other. Make boundaries with them both. Tell them both independently that they are your other parent and you are going to have a relationship with them. Tell them you will not talk about the other in their presence or tolerate bashing of the other in your presence. That's all you can do. Then the rest is up to them.

    Be an adult. Do what you want to do. Period. If they get mad, they get mad. That's for them to deal with.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Go meet this woman. If your mother finds out, say - so what? Let her get pissed off, she can either accept it and get over it, or act like a whiny kid. I think you will feel relief once you have met the woman and it's all out in the open. Then your mother cant hold this over your head.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So sorry about this. Stories like this make me very sad, as I just can't comprehend the headspace of adults whose self-absorption is so consuming that they would put their own child in the crosshairs of their mutual hate for years. This is what children do, toxic power plays on recess playgrounds. Adults are supposed to teach them a better way to be, not reinforce the most spiritually corrosive of coping mechanisms.

    I would meet your father's partner, assuming you're curious to know the person your father loves and is building a life with, to say nothing of knowing your father on your own terms. Sounds healthy, to me, a way of moving away from the drama of the past and into the present, as it actually exists, and further inhabiting the person you want to be, in your one and only skin, living your one and only life.

    No guilt, no shame. Like Rose, I agree a conversation is in order with your mother, one in which you let her know that she is free to choose to hate your father, if that hate continues to serve her, but you are choosing a different life for yourself. You love him, accept him, forgive him, and want a relationship with him that is yours, not an extension of hers. Perhaps a similar conversation is in order with your father. How your parents react to all that is on them, a reflection of their strengths and weaknesses as humans, not on you and your humanity. Once those boundaries are established, it's on you to hold them and respect them.

    Please don't let the immaturity of your parents stunt your own maturity. You have a life to live. You get to choose how you want to relate to people, and that choice can be a rejection of how your parents relate to each other, and to you. Hard, when that's how the chips fall, but sometimes it's how it goes. We don't get to choose our parents, but as adults we do get to choose how we deal with them, just like we get to choose how we deal with being ourselves.

    Keeping the peace among others, even those closest to us, is a worthless pursuit if it produces a war in ourselves. Don't forget that.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by imunhappy
    Right now I'm stressing out a lot, thinking that f I go there, my mom will get pissed, if I don't I disappoint my father. This is not even the only similar situation. Whatever I do pisses one of them off and pleases the other, I just can't get a rest.
    And then what would happen?

    Would she cut you off? Not let you move in? What specific consequences do you fear?

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