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Thread: He's using the religion card on me

  1. #1
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    He's using the religion card on me

    Hi everyone. I want to start by saying I hope everyone is safe and well during the pandemic.

    About my relationship, I had a tricky breakup last year and I didn't intend to jump into another relationship as quickly as I did, but love happens and everything seems so perfect through those rose-tinted glasses.

    It's been just under a year since we've been together, our families have met and we come from strict Asian cultural backgrounds (when parents meet it means it's serious and its heading down the path of marriage)

    I'm so happy with him or I was happy with who he was, but during the pandemic, he's been at home and with his family. His mother is quite religious and I feel he has become religious too, more so than his mum!!

    He wants to meet less and less now because there will be more "blessings" for when we actually get married next year (having sex or anything before marriage is a sin, bearing in mind! I was a virgin when we met and we had sex and he happened to be my first) The whole religion spiel is not what I signed up for.

    I find religious people become so hypocritical and it is okay for them to pick and choose what suits their needs whenever they feel like it, and we all must accept it because it's for the sake of religion ?

    Also he knows about my past, my ex, what happened, the details
    But when I asked him about his past, he said he's been with "3 or 4 people"... its either 3 or 4, I'm sure one would remember.... I had the mindset that the past is his business and if he didn't want to talk about it then I was okay with it.
    But I met up with some of my friends, and they told me that even though ignorance is bliss, it can make me naive. And knowing what happened just briefly or why it broke down is important if we are to be getting married... and if I'm asking he should be respectful enough to reutrn the favour and give me something more than "3 or 4".

    I did ask what happened, he said "it just didn't work out", and he closed up.

    I dont want to go crazy on him, but I feel like I've had a few built up frustrations brewing.
    And I don't want to be a doormat, but I can be a complete people pleaser to the point where I won't even realise I'm miserable until its too late.

    I dont know what to do anymore.

    Also I'm going into my final year of law and I study abroad on the other side of the planet (6 hour flight), so I'll be away for the next year, up to my head in exams.... to come back to an engagement?.... I'm not sure how I feel about it
    He really wants a relgiious ceremony/engagement, and if i postpone it he gets really upset about it. I had planned to get a nose job this summer, which got cancelled due to COVID, so it will be happening a month before my graduation and soon after graduation (2-3 weeks) he wants an engagement.
    I feel like he was super clever in getting families involved so soon.
    Because it's frowned upon to date and both of our mothers would rather we get engaged/relgious ceremony out of the way and a massive circus wedding later on.
    I really despise my culture soemtimes, no, most of the time.
    And I was truly happy with all of it until the religion thing kept cropping up, do I cross my legs and supress my wants and needs for 8 more months?

    Also I'm flying out to university next week and this was supposed to be our long weekend together
    He caught a cold (no its not COVID, he got tested lol) because the gyms had opened up and he was going everyday sometimes twice a day
    I did make my concern clear that.... overdoing the gym you'll wear yourself out and get sick/catch COVID.. but he didn't listen.
    He did what he wanted to. and now our weekend is cancelled.
    No... you're right... it's not his fault he's sick or caught a cold, not entirely, but then he said "maybe everything happens for a reason and it's Gods way of keeping us apart"

    I mean seriously .
    I was on the brink of letting the cold thing go until he laced it with that ?


    GUYS WHAT THE FK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE

    I love him, I do, he's sweet and so caring and affectionate, really handsome (which doesn't mean anything really but its a plus because I always settled for nice guys who I was never attracted to, I have a lot of insecurity issues and that would be a whole other post) and we always had fun together but I don't know whats happening anymore

    Speaking on insecurities.... I never had sex because I was so insecure, but he was the first person I felt so comfortable with and trusted him


    I broke up with my ex because culture and religion got in the way and made a point not to fall into that trap again, but I really hope I'm wrong
    But i feel like every guy i get involved with starts of calm, chill, normal, and then wants to marry me and become some religious person
    and I dont get it
    I'm defnitely not giving off virgin Mary vibes anymore Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Sarah.

    I think you have your answers in your post. You state that you come from a strict Asian cultural background. Why would you be so surprised then when the religious adherence issue crops up?

    You say:

    "But i feel like every guy i get involved with starts of calm, chill, normal, and then wants to marry me and become some religious person
    and I dont get it"


    Of course you "get it". You come from the same background yourself.

    "I dont know what to do anymore".


    My pragmatic advice would be, considering how you feel on the cultural and religious issue, to marry someone from a different culture and background, someone who is not so concerned with religious adherence.

    You are abroad already, so now is the time to decide if someone where you are now (wherever "abroad" is) would not be a more suitable choice in the long run. You are still at university so evidently you are very young. What is the big rush to get married?

    Your family might not be delighted if you marry someone of a different culture, a different religion or no religion at all. But, after all, it is YOUR life.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    You're asking yourself, what are you doing with your life. That is you saying no to this relationship.

    Don't beat yourself up for falling in a trap. Where you want to be smart is in the present. You see the flags. You kniw this isn't what you want.

    Time to go abroad and focus on you! Hold off the engagement.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    If you don't have 100 percent confidence in getting engaged, then you shouldn't. It's also why you shouldn't make major decisions until at least knowing someone a year, because it takes a while to see a person in all types of life situations, and if there are any skeletons in the closet or dealbreakers. IMO, your parents shouldn't have been introduced as early as they had.

    You say you have major insecurities, so actually it's not even wise to date until you get all of that under control, and you've worked on your people pleasing problem. Because when you're not fully together in your mind, you will attract and be attracted to inappropriate men. Also, I don't know how old you are, but the human brain isn't fully formed until age 25, specifically in the decision making area. Likely why marriages among people who marry before that age have a 60% divorce rate. Most don't know what the hell they are doing.

    Even though he has pluses that exes lacked, the rest of your post spells out clearly that you will be settling. Just because he's better in some ways than the exes, doesn't mean he'll be the pinnacle of anyone else you will ever meet in your life. And if you haven't told him how you're feeling about his lack of disclosure on his exes and how you're feeling about his religious views, you're not as close as you thought. You should be able to discuss anything of importance with a SO. If he puts up a wall, then you can choose not to scale it and walk away.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is this an arranged marriage? Is it required to be a virgin before marriage in your culture/religion? Why not cancel things until you know what you want to do with your life.
    Originally Posted by SarahLove007

    It's been just under a year since we've been together, our families have met and we come from strict Asian cultural backgrounds.

    Also I'm going into my final year of law and I study abroad on the other side of the planet. I had planned to get a nose job this summer so it will be happening a month before my graduation

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    We're each entitled to our dealbreakers. No matter how much I love someone, if he were to take up drugs, gambling or obnoxious religiosity, I'd consider him better off loved from far away--and by someone else.

    You've come to learn that the two of you no longer share the same vision of a future together--not even to the degree where you can agree on immediate interactions.

    So why pretzel yourself to appease someone who's flipped a switch to adopt one of your private dealbreakers?

    You have your whole future ahead of you. Don't you deserve to find someone who aligns with your vision, with whom you share simpatico?

    Head high, and make the right choice for you. Nobody else is living your life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Pretty much echoing what others already said - hold off on this marriage. He is slightly better than some of your ex's is not a good reason to marry, especially with a forest of red flags slapping you in the face. Basically, what you saw before was the pretend portion, what you see now is who he really is and good you are noting that he is manipulative.

    I'd take the time you have abroad, not only to study, but also to take time away from your culture to grow, breathe, sort out who you are and what you want in life. Really use that time away for your full benefit. You might find that you fit in better elsewhere and maybe it's a better idea for you to simply migrate.

    Also, even in your own culture, there are others like you - who aren't really religious and feel much like you do. Thing is that extreme insecurities will blind you to good men and attract control freaks, thus your experience with this seeming switch. They see a person who is weak and therefore malleable and easy to manipulate or even abuse. So work on becoming strong, secure, comfortable in your own skin. When you do that, you'll find that these types start avoiding you like the plague. They want someone malleable and you will not be that anymore. In short, use this time away for many things, especially personal growth.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Take your time. Enjoy the schooling, do what you love to do and enjoy your practice after graduation. There are plenty of people we meet who are "good on paper" but not good for us or for our soul or not particularly invested or interested in our personal wellbeing.

    When you're with someone special you should feel uplifted, inspired and looking forward to spending your time with that person. If you already feel this lonely, confused, hurt and isolated, it would be utter disaster being married to this person. I think what you put out a person gets back and if you don't respect him, he won't respect you and vice versa. If he doesn't respect you, you won't respect who he is whether it's his parents, his religion, his outlook. It's wrong of him to put that pressure on you and your gut instincts are correct.

    You cited the Virgin Mary so I'm guessing that he's Catholic. You might want to look more carefully into this lifestyle or religion because it will affect your weekly life (church) or your kids' lives if you both have kids. Kids start going to catechism at a young age (kindergarten or grade 1 to grade 8 or so, depending on when the kids start). If you are married in the Catholic church this also means a weekend of marriage prep that's mandatory before a church wedding. Being part of that faith is a vocation and a calling. It shouldn't ever be forced or shackled on someone. If you're feeling this overwhelmed so early, I don't think this relationship is right no matter which way the pie is cut. If you weren't initiated or aren't familiar also with the Catholic church, there is RCIA or rites of initiation for adults in Canada for example where adults interested or called to the faith are taught more about it. RCIA works well for those who haven't gone through catechism early on in childhood.

    I only mention these not to scare you. They terrify some (not all) of my agnostic and atheist friends. I think you should look very carefully into whatever religion he is a part of. I wouldn't like for you to start off a life of regret and confusion or lose parts of yourself because you realized after awhile that this isn't what you signed up for. I feel like you're already feeling upset that you introduced each other to your parents and there's a level of expectation there that's hard to deal with and leaving you with limited choices (or so you feel).

    Who he slept with in the past or how many is besides the point but I can see how the lack of disclosure and his picking and choosing what he discloses to you breaks down the trust you both may have had in each other. It might be helpful instead to take the focus off how many people he's been with and take a better look at why you need to know that information - is it because there's just not enough information overall for such a big step in your life? Maybe you just don't know enough about this person at all.

    I think both of you deserve to have a good chat about this and be honest with each other. Religion is culture also and if you can't see eye to eye on this, don't force it. I think many make the mistake that religion is its own island of itself, a bit like veering off onto no man's land (better not dwelled upon and easier to castigate and shun), not fully understanding that it is very much a person's culture, background, life story and often a family's legacy - belief and tradition through many generations. Tread with care and be respectful of each other. Ask yourself whether you know each other enough to take this step.

    Date a bit more if you like each others' company. Starting out your life together shouldn't feel this way.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I dont think you should marry this guy, he may be a nice person for the most part but the religion thing is obviously an issue for you.

    I think you should go abroad for school, keep an open mind, and perhaps date a guy you meet there. I dont think you should push yourself to be and do things that dont work for you no matter what your culture says. You have just one life.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    "I study abroad on the other side of the planet (6 hour flight), so I'll be away for the next year, up to my head in exams...."

    So, OP, you are already abroad.

    "Because it's frowned upon to date and both of our mothers would rather we get engaged/relgious ceremony out of the way and a massive circus wedding later on."

    Never heard that Catholics cannot date lol. I know because I was born/educated Catholic (not any more!).

    You are under no obligation to tell us what religion you belong to.

    Essentially this is the bottom line OP.

    "The whole religion spiel is not what I signed up for.
    "



    You say you come from a strict Asian background.

    OP, you must do what YOU want to do. Your choice. You have plenty of time ahead of you.

    My last word is, don't let anyone brainwash you.


    Aaah, and DF puts it better than I could:

    "I'd take the time you have abroad, not only to study, but also to take time away from your culture to grow, breathe, sort out who you are and what you want in life. Really use that time away for your full benefit. You might find that you fit in better elsewhere and maybe it's a better idea for you to simply migrate".

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