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Thread: Married to a man but canít stop thinking about women

  1. #1

    Married to a man but canít stop thinking about women

    Iím a bisexual female. Iíve always been more into women than men, but I am also a Christian and know based on the religion that itís wrong. So I stopped acting on my feelings for women and decided to date men. I fell in love with a man and we are married and have a child together. The thing is...I have never enjoyed making out with my husband and the sex I have with him has never been as enjoyable as with a woman. Iíve spoken to him about my wants and desires in the bedroom but he does not change. Iíve asked him if it would be ok if I could have an opportunity to fool around with women. He could even watch. He turned that down. Idk what to do. I am going crazy and want to sleep with a woman to satisfy these urges. I have been thinking of cheating but donít want to. Itís wrong because of my religion and because my husband disapproves. But that leaves me feeling sexually miserable. What should I do? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you happily married? Unfortunately with your religious restrictions, threesomes, cheating and open marriage don't seem like options for you.

    Eventually your options could be divorce and leave your church .

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Rachell87
    Iíve spoken to him about my wants and desires in the bedroom but he does not change. Iíve asked him if it would be ok if I could have an opportunity to fool around with women. He could even watch. He turned that down
    To be fair, he didn't sign up for an open marriage. Despite common assumption, not all men are eager to see their women having sex with other women.

    It sounds like you have desires he can't possibly fulfill simply because he is not a woman. I am not sure what sort of things you have asked him to do that he isn't doing but I have a feeling it wouldn't be enough to quell the desire within you.

    You have a choice to make. If you genuinely want to be with women, you are probably going to need to end your marriage.

  4. #4
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    I'm sorry, but if he's unwilling to compromise (as is his right), then the harsh reality is that there is no wiggle room here.

    Be sexually unsatisfied or get a divorce. That's it.

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  6. #5
    We have little arguments here and there and heís got a bit of a temper problem that heís been working on, but for the most part Iím happily married. I do love him. Iím very physically attracted to him. I donít like to make out with him, but thatís not his fault. Iíve never liked making out with men. Just women. The only thing Iím unsatisfied with is our sex life really. I feel like if that were taken care of maybe I wouldnít have desires to have sex with women. I donít want a relationship with a woman, as the Bible forbids it. But I canít stop thinking about women in sexual ways. If I could get him to be more open in the bedroom that might help stop these thoughts.

  7. #6
    But I do love him though. I devoted my life to him and it just seems silly to break our vows so I could have great sex. I only want to be with women in sexual ways. I couldnít be in a relationship with one. I feel if I was finally satisfied in the bedroom maybe I would stop thinking of women. But whenever I tell him what I want, he says heís uncomfortable with it. He canít bring himself to be rough/dominant in the bedroom. And because of that he has never made me orgasm.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like your sex life is awful and you are mistaking that for being with women as a solution. It's two separate things. You are bisexual is one. But the other is that you are not turned on by your husband.

    Why have you not gone to a doctor yourself or marriage counselling? Your marriage seems far from blissful and that you resent having sex with him because he is a bad lover or you are seething with resentment about other things.

    Start by going to a doctor to get screened for depression, hormonal issues, etc. tell your doctor about his anger and your feelings. If all is ok get to marriage counselling ( Not pastors, real licensed, qualified psychologists)

    Overall you seem more confused and unhappy than you are will to admit and are pretending that a threesome will fix things. Nothing could be further from the truth, with or without your church.

    If he's verbally abusive or angry, you need to get away from him and your church (if they are into telling you to "understand and forgive" his anger).
    Originally Posted by Rachell87
    heís got a bit of a temper problem

    The only thing Iím unsatisfied with is our sex life really. I feel like if that were taken care of maybe I wouldnít have desires to have sex with women

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The thing about even the most open, attentive, and adventurous of men in the bedroom? They lack the ability to become a woman.

    I can't help but feel that you are in a deeper bind than you're even acknowledging here, which is that your religious beliefs and values are at odds with your biological values. Human beings don't thrive when we suppress truths, be those internal or external truths. For your romantic relationship to be a functional and harmonious one, then, you have to accept what is undeniably true: that your partnership it is about celebrating a human ideal alongside another human, not having your actual human needs satisfied with, by, and alongside another.

    You describe yourself as bisexual, but also say you have "never" liked making out with men, your husband included. Can't help but ask: Do you have any experience with any men that you would describe as sexually satisfying?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rachell87
    But I do love him though. I devoted my life to him and it just seems silly to break our vows so I could have great sex. I only want to be with women in sexual ways. I couldnít be in a relationship with one. I feel if I was finally satisfied in the bedroom maybe I would stop thinking of women. But whenever I tell him what I want, he says heís uncomfortable with it. He canít bring himself to be rough/dominant in the bedroom. And because of that he has never made me orgasm.
    I find it interesting that "forbidden same sex" is a sin that you could not live with and therefore married a man.

    However, breaking the commandment, "Thou shall not commit adultery" has not been mentioned at all.

    What are your views on this?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you need to make up your mind about what you want and what's more important to you. I've been with men and women sexually. I'm not not very phased by the differences and neither is better than the other. I don't have a particular preference and sometimes neither men nor women are interesting at all sexually because there's no emotional or intellectual connection. I'm Catholic and I have been married. All those parts of yourself that are warring within you, I have some idea of what you're going through. The worst thing you can do for yourself is be the helpless damsel in distress looking for attention in places that are beneath you or going against any morals or values you have or are inherent to you as a person, possibly regardless of any external belief system.

    Decide what you want and the kind of person you want to be and be that person. If it's your marriage, stay committed to your marriage. If it's your religion, stay with your religion. If you want to have sex with whomever you please or have a lot of it, you'll have to figure out what has to give in return for living a different life or lifestyle.

    You appear lost to me and that is fine too. We all go through periods of questioning. Be careful of what you wish for and how you spend your thoughts or how you prioritize different wants and needs, they will make up who you are and your life is a series of decisions you make. I don't think swinging to extremes is a good idea either. Stay somewhere in the middle if that's where you belong and focus and appreciate the things and people in your life you do have - unless you want to make some changes.

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