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Thread: First love for 10 years

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The major mistake was not breaking up the first time, it was making a major decision like letting her move in before knowing her a minimum of a year. It took you far sooner to see all the negative stuff, but sometimes it can take longer, so always have a wait-and-see attitude while enjoying someone's company and a time-will-tell mindset.

    It usually takes dating a boatload of people to find the treasure while sifting through all that sand. If you keep up with your one woman per ten year period, the odds are stacked against finding a lifetime companion.

    Time to be proactive in that area. When social distancing is no longer a thing, join Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. Take dance lessons or cooking lessons or painting lessons--anything to get yourself out and amongst groups of people where you might find a dating prospect.

    If you're coming from a place of fear or lack self esteem, work on that before dating, because if you don't, you'll attract and be attracted to people who shouldn't be in your life. Have your rules for things such as age gaps, because the larger the gap, the higher risk of failure. There's a book I like called The Key by Rhonda Byrne. It helped me achieve a more positive mindset when making goals for myself. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  2. #12
    Aleph's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Well to be honest she doesn't sound like a nice person at all! That's so selfish and inconsiderate that she was staying with you and it was clear that you still had feelings for her, because you were being so caring towards her and getting her flowers and everything. And she brought another guy over to YOUR place! Even though you were being lovely to her and letting her stay there. It doesn't matter if she decided to break up, that was so inconsiderate and crazy what she did!

    She sounds like someone that actually uses people. She didn't want anything to do with you at first, but when things didn't go well at her new flat, then she called you crying. Because SHE needed help and a shoulder to cry on, and somewhere to stay. These are actually not actions of a truly nice, caring person. She actually also sounds immature. The age gap probably wasnít really a problem except she doesn't actually have the maturity of a 27-year-old!

    Also I'm just curious why you've only been with anyone every ten years apart? And it doesn't sound like even the previous relationships were that serious because you said with this girl it was a first time for a lot of everyday little things, like supermarket shopping together. Please don't think I'm making you feel bad or something that you haven't been in many relationships. That actually isn't my intention at all. It just sounds to me like you actually do want to find love and to be in a serious relationship, but for some reason you think you don't deserve it and you don't even try?

    I think if you put yourself out there and you have a very open mind about falling in love, you can definitely find people more often than only every ten years. And even if you don't fall in love, at least you can have a lot of dating and relationship experiences. It sounds like you got attached and fell for this girl too soon and maybe thought too much of it too quickly. That may be because you don't date much and you really project on someone when you actually do find anyone. I know that sounds harsh but for your own self preservation I think you need to be more realistic when you first start dating someone. It's easy to start getting carried away when you like someone I know. But obviously this relationship wasn't actually that solid because of how this girl acted towards you in the end. It looked like she didn't even really care about you at all. Be careful about falling really fast and thinking someone is "the one" and all that.
    I kind of figured out that she was using me but I chose not to believe it. The more truths that I hear the less I care and think about her.

    Since getting advice from this forum I have thought about her in a negative context. It helps in purging her memories.

    You are right about not falling fast. I am going to be a lot more cautious and grounded before I commit to anyone in the future.

    She kept in touch with a lot of her ex's. That's why it hurt when she blocked me. In hindsight, I think it was because she knew what she had done and that I would bring it up in the future.

    Anyway, friends say I dodged a bullet and gained some experience.

    I date now and again but every 10 years I meet someone I just have a connection with. I call them "Celestials" as though destiny said we were meant to meet.

    I have seen a great many troubles in my life. I have experienced very few. This being one of them.

  3. #13
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    FWIW, I find "the one" to be elusive.

    At one point in my life, I used to subscribe to the idea that their is someone made for each of us.
    With a number of decades behind me, I now think there are several of "the ones". To meet them it's all about the right place at the right time, chance and circumstances, etc.
    The movie "Hitch" comes to mind for this mindset.

    There are over 7 billion people on the planet, and if I were single I would find great comfort knowing that there are probably over a half a million women that would be a great match for me.

    So you have this 19, 29, 39 streak going on, know that the next woman you meet this year could be one of "the ones" or maybe next year. It might not be at 49!

    Just keep your head up, stay positive find the funny in this life.

    Good luck to you.

  4. #14
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    You're kind and trusting, maybe a little bit too much in this case. I know, I've been there and done the same thing. When someone displays character traits that are less than respectful, take heed. They are people who won't add to your life, but will detract from it. It's a lesson learned going forward. If you see it coming at you again, you'll know to avoid it.

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  6. #15
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    ďWe started to spend a lot of time together. She was my first for a lot of things. Not sex. The small simple every day things that people take for granted.
    First time we went shopping at the supermarket. First time Someone stayed over at my place, cooked dinner together, went for walks at odd times, shared songs. Ē


    Sorry but these are not things people take for granted in new relationships. In fact they are things that people get excited about. But thatís why itís called the honeymoon phase.
    And this sounds like it was your first experience of that?
    Not your third?

    Yes they are normal everyday things in established relationships but it seems you have never been in an established relationship? And never before had that loved up honeymoon phase?

    Thatís ok. You have now experienced the high of that and the disappointments that can follow which is what happens after the honeymoon phase when one or other realises incompatibility.

    Hopefully in the future you will simply realise thatís all it is and one day you will get past the honeymoon phase and be with someone who is compatible.

    Best of luck!

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