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Thread: Why is he so different when he drinks?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    To be really honest, if I'm spending time with anyone (family, friends, partner, etc.) and I'm actually engaged with interacting with them, e.g. my partner is not just watching TV or gaming alone or something, I don't really want to keep texting on the phone. I find it annoying myself if I'm with a partner or a friend and they keep looking at their phone and texting on their phone. So I don't do it myself either because I think it's kinda rude.But usually if someone texts me, I might quickly reply and just say: "Hey I'm just hanging out with a friend right now, chat later :)" Like just let them know I'm busy. To be honest my personal preference is not to be texting anyone continuously when I'm spending time with someone else because I want to actually focus on what I'm doing.

    Having said that, your boyfriend is actually rude, verbally abusive and has terrible communication skills. If he prefers it that you don't text him while he's out with friends, then all he has to do is tell you politely and rationally. He just has to tell you beforehand. To swear at you and act aggressive towards you is unacceptable. He can't speak to you like that! But keep in mind that people are also different. Maybe he texts you while you're out with friends because he knows you are totally fine with it. Whereas obviously he doesn't like it. I mean that is evident so why do you keep messaging him when he said he's out with friends?

    The issue I see here is his communication skills are terrible and he's also a very rude drunk. I think that actually is a problem because you can't just keep excusing that he's drunk. You don't deserve to be continuously be spoken to in such a rude manner. It's very disrespectful. It's irrelevant whether he's drunk or sober when he talks to you like this. The point is he does and it's not right. This has been going on for a long time and he doesn't seem to realise it's a problem or try to fix the situation. For example, he could text you before going out with friends and say: "Hey babe, heading out with friends now. I'll speak to you tomorrow, have a good night!" Which would eliminate you having to message him and him getting angry at you.

    The only other issue I could see is, do you maybe text him too much? If my partner kept texting me when I said I was out with friends, I probably wouldn't like it either. I mean, I am allowed to have some space and to have friends and have my own time. Not sure if maybe that's what irritates him.
    Iím the same way. I find it rude if Iím spending time with someone and theyíre constantly on the phone. If Iím with people I try not to be on my phone so much. If that person is also on their phone I may send a quick reply but I wonít get into too much conversation because Iím spending time with other people. So I totally wouldnít expect him to be engaging in a full on conversation with me when heís with others.
    This isnít the issue
    The issue is that he kind of initiates ďconversationsĒ almost just to start an argument.
    You say why do I keep messaging him when heís with friends? But when he constantly messages me even though I ask him to leave me alone (like he did last night and wouldnít leave me alone until I messaged back) itís kinda like whatís with the mixes signals? You know? Like you donít want me to message you, fine. As you say; I usually text him and Iím like have fun say hi to everyone from me, message when youíre home safe. Like normal right? But he initiates further conversations that then turn to arguments because he gets nasty drunk. And then he will always phone me when heís home and that usually turns into an argument too because then heís like why do you have to message me when Iím with my friends. So I canít win. Other than turning my phone off. Which; why should I have to turn my phone off and not talk to my own friends/family just because Iím avoiding him?

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    When my hubs calls me at work about mundane things, or ha, anything, I am annoyed. Or if we're out doing our thing, I would be so annoyed if he just kept texting me. And I love him. I love spending time with him. I just want to focus on what I'm doing.

    So, don't text him when he's out with friends? I mean, you're not his mom. And stop texting him back when your out with friends. If it's important, then yes. If it's not, then save it when you see him the next day. But you need to be clear on how it makes you feel to him. Cuz one day, you're gonna have kids, and the total zoning out is unacceptable!
    I would never call him at work. Heís there to work, not talk to me. Like itís not even necessary. Also he works nights so when heís working, Iím sleeping and vice versa. He usually sends me a message on his break being like I hope youíre sleeping well. Have a great day tomorrow Iíll talk to you when Iím up. Cute stuff.

    If heís gonna text me of course Iíll text him back. He knows if Iím not busy Iíll text him back. Because as I say, we live apart and see each other mostly once a week. So we like to stay in contact and check in via text.

    Thatís not really the issue here. We both know if we are busy we will text later. Iím busy most of the time getting my masters degree and working, as I said. My issue is the way he changes as a person when he drinks. I donít get it.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Hopefully not with this guy. He's 30 and verbally abusive in addition to putting his pals and booze first Every weekend.

    I see you have my back haha. Thank you.
    I honestly would love to have kids with him one day. But he needs to cut this crap out.
    When we are together everything is great. Everything works. We are great. Itís literally just when heís drinking with his friends on his nights off when heís not with me. Itís so frustrating because it really is like he becomes someone else.

    He called me last night when he got home from the pub and again this morning and tried to apologise but then he also said he doesnít realise what heís done wrong. And I said well there is our issue then because of you donít even know youíre doing things, you will never truly be sorry and you will never change. And that makes me so sad.

    But then he told me he is going to try and get some counselling and some help getting to the bottom of why he does these things and to try and change his mind set and honestly that was great to hear.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    All I'm going to say is that he is not stupid, he knows perfectly well what he is doing and what he is doing is intentionally upsetting you. Why? Makes him feel powerful and in control. You are really in quite a toxic dynamic, but also not really aware of it because you believe that you stand up to him so it's all good. Not quite. To him, any reaction is a good reaction, even if you are tearing him a new one.

    As for the whole poor pity me, I'm going to seek therapy, take that with a grain of salt and proceed carefully. It's not that he goes, but what's the result. Be very cognizant of that - is the therapy really working or only pretend working for now. Be sure that you do walk away if the status quo remains. Don't tolerate abusive behavior even if it's just verbal and don't let him insult your intelligence with "gosh I just don't know what I'm doing wrong when I'm cussing you out."

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Why does he need therapy to stop sending you abusive texts? Does he enjoy upsetting you and sincerely wants to find out why?

    Most abusers don't succeed with therapy because they don't think they're doing anything "wrong" (i.e., they're only doing it because you're "making" them) and because they actually like seeing their victims cower, cry, beg and declare their love when they abuse them.

    If he honestly does this because he likes it therapy won't help.

    Although, I kind of think he's showing off in front of his friends. And if that's the case it's a lack of maturity rather than abusive tendencies.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Why date someone who drinks so much? Seems like a poor choice overall to keep turning to a substance that has an overall negative impact on relationships. This should be a turn off for you, no?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Why date someone who drinks so much? Seems like a poor choice overall to keep turning to a substance that has an overall negative impact on relationships. This should be a turn off for you, no?
    Not only that, but frequenting a pub during a pandemic seems grossly irresponsible. Is he social distancing while getting intoxicated? Also, I hope he's not driving.

  9. #28
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    Look just my opinion but he does not sound good. I don't care if someone is only doing something while they're drunk, the point is they're doing it. And he keeps doing it every single time and doesn't even feel bad about it or apologise. This is who he really is. He's a nasty drunk person who likes to keep picking on you and treating you badly. I personally wouldn't continue dating someone like this. If he doesn't even know what he's doing wrong, I seriously don't think he will change. Also people say that sometimes someone's real personality comes out when they're drunk because they don't hold back and have no inhibitions. I would personally dump him if I was you.

  10. #29
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by me1993

    I even said to him last night when he did this, please just leave me alone Iíll talk to you tomorrow. And every few minutes he would text me and text me. And he kept texting until I replied and said I thought I asked you to leave me alone? Itís almost like he does it on purpose but I just donít know why. Itís only when he drinks with friends. Never any other time.
    Sounds like there's a method to his madness as in he's aware of how this upsets you, yet he seems to enjoy watching you squirm. I've also heard many times over that a drunk usually remembers his words, therefore his academy award winning outbursts are well rehearsed, (imo).

    In short, it's not your job to raise him, and there's no excuse for his rudeness. Keep in mind that we set the standards for how others treat us. Maybe it's time to take back your self-respect, and send him packing.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    You are very insecure..sorry but your BF is right...it's not fair that you are expecting him to focus on you and your text messages at any time...I'm assuming you are the one that misinterprets the messages at times and lay into him about it.

    It's healthy to let one have a life outside the relationship, and the relationship should never revolve around you. Stop with this jealousy....When he is out with friends...leave him to it, let him have his me and my friends time...and you get a life too. Go out and have some fun with your friends...go do something rather than pestering him for attention. Just let it go.

    Obviously he was childishly proving a point how irritating it is to be texted constantly when you knew he was out. How about some good old fashion communication. You both need to discuss boundaries next time you see each other, have a one on one....you know just clear the air. When you know he is out, stop texting him, and he has to do the same for you. Maybe set up specific times where you both would like to talk/chat. This can be worked out, just have to come to some agreement/compromise and go from there.

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