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Thread: Why is he so different when he drinks?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by me1993
    Maybe so. Yet why does he text me constantly when Iím with my friends and thatís totally ok? I guess itís because I donít mind splitting my attention.

    He caused a small argument tonight- because heís out with friends. And I told him to leave me alone, I canít be bothered with the aggro. And heís text me over and over again saying heís sorry and asking if Iím ok and saying heís worried about me. All I could do was laugh at him. Heís so annoying. He causes these arguments and then tries to act like everything is ok. He swears at me and cussed me out one minute and then the next heís sorry and heís worried? I just donít understand what the need is.
    Whoa.....why are you putting up with this? Serious question. Is this really OK with you?

    What's important to understand for you is that this is ALL him. He doesn't change at all, this is simply who he actually is - the Jekyll/Hyde thing he has going on is not going to change or get better. Might get worse though if you keep sticking around and putting up with it.

    I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt at first that maybe he is one of those people who are angry drunks, but you said that when you are there with him drinking, he doesn't act like that. So, it's nothing to do with booze at all.

    Honestly, I think you need to figure out what is and isn't acceptable to you and next time you are face to face, sit down have a serious conversation about that. If he responds aggressively or otherwise continues to act like a jerk, then you know what you need to do - dump him. You won't fix an a hole - always remember that.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    If you do not like they way he speaks to you at any time then talk to him about it. Not when he does it but when you are both face to face and calm.

    Explain how it makes you feel and see what he says. If he blows off your feelings then he is making your decision for you isn't he?

    This all sounds like insecurities. Get along great in person but when one is out with friends things change.

    Talk to him and help him understand how this makes you feel and also explain to him that you will not tolerate being cussed out or any abuse of any kind, verbal or physical.

    If he doesn't change then you know you tried but you were no important enough to him to make the effort.

    Lost

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I can't help but think that he is insecure about you in general. He doesn't want his family listening into convos and he may not want his friends teasing him either about who he's constantly texting.

    A mature relationship generally is one where there are some boundaries in place regarding text messages and phone calls or how or when two people decide to communicate and when is most convenient or works best for the parties involved. In your case, it seems haphazard, there are double standards and it's disorganized all over the place.

    My suggestion:

    Have a sit down together when you're in person next or when you can have a decent phone call and talk about respecting your time with your friends and catching up later in the day or the following day. It should be ok for both of you to go one day without a phone call or an extensive report on what you did that day. I think your communication together needs to change and be more considerate and respectful. Be firm about your boundaries when you're with your friends or family because you should be giving them your undivided attention also.

    I have to ask - how do your friends and family feel about your relationship or the way he texts you or interrupts your time with them?

    Look at the situation as a whole and come up with better ways to enforce better boundaries. I really don't think either of you are in the wrong here. Your communication styles are not being managed properly and there are anxieties there, insecurities, that should also be addressed.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I can't help but think that he is insecure about you in general. He doesn't want his family listening into convos and he may not want his friends teasing him either about who he's constantly texting.

    A mature relationship generally is one where there are some boundaries in place regarding text messages and phone calls or how or when two people decide to communicate and when is most convenient or works best for the parties involved. In your case, it seems haphazard, there are double standards and it's disorganized all over the place.

    My suggestion:

    Have a sit down together when you're in person next or when you can have a decent phone call and talk about respecting your time with your friends and catching up later in the day or the following day. It should be ok for both of you to go one day without a phone call or an extensive report on what you did that day. I think your communication together needs to change and be more considerate and respectful. Be firm about your boundaries when you're with your friends or family because you should be giving them your undivided attention also.

    I have to ask - how do your friends and family feel about your relationship or the way he texts you or interrupts your time with them?

    Look at the situation as a whole and come up with better ways to enforce better boundaries. I really don't think either of you are in the wrong here. Your communication styles are not being managed properly and there are anxieties there, insecurities, that should also be addressed.
    If he was a teenager or very early 20's, I'd say sure, he is just being insecure, showing off to his buddies in a wrong way. However, we are talking about a fully grown 30 year old man here. Even if he is insecure, swearing at and cussing out his gf is not an excuse and should not be an acceptable behavior or something tolerated. He is old enough to know better and to control himself. I'm really concerned that this is just tip of the iceberg type stuff. This Jekyll and Hyde stuff is a huge red flag.

    Totally agree with you about the double standards and the lack of basic boundaries. These issues also need to be addressed. If you know your partner is out and about, there is no reason to be pinging them except for emergencies. That should really go both ways. At the same time, if you don't know your partner is out and text them asking what they are up to, you should expect a polite response not raging and cussing.

    Personally, if a guy acted like that, I'd be gone so fast he wouldn't see me for dust on the road. Of course, OP needs to come to her own conclusions on what she will and won't tolerate and how much she wants to try to teach a grown arse man how to behave.

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  6. #15
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    To be really honest, if I'm spending time with anyone (family, friends, partner, etc.) and I'm actually engaged with interacting with them, e.g. my partner is not just watching TV or gaming alone or something, I don't really want to keep texting on the phone. I find it annoying myself if I'm with a partner or a friend and they keep looking at their phone and texting on their phone. So I don't do it myself either because I think it's kinda rude. But usually if someone texts me, I might quickly reply and just say: "Hey I'm just hanging out with a friend right now, chat later :)" Like just let them know I'm busy. To be honest my personal preference is not to be texting anyone continuously when I'm spending time with someone else because I want to actually focus on what I'm doing.

    Having said that, your boyfriend is actually rude, verbally abusive and has terrible communication skills. If he prefers it that you don't text him while he's out with friends, then all he has to do is tell you politely and rationally. He just has to tell you beforehand. To swear at you and act aggressive towards you is unacceptable. He can't speak to you like that! But keep in mind that people are also different. Maybe he texts you while you're out with friends because he knows you are totally fine with it. Whereas obviously he doesn't like it. I mean that is evident so why do you keep messaging him when he said he's out with friends?

    The issue I see here is his communication skills are terrible and he's also a very rude drunk. I think that actually is a problem because you can't just keep excusing that he's drunk. You don't deserve to be continuously be spoken to in such a rude manner. It's very disrespectful. It's irrelevant whether he's drunk or sober when he talks to you like this. The point is he does and it's not right. This has been going on for a long time and he doesn't seem to realise it's a problem or try to fix the situation. For example, he could text you before going out with friends and say: "Hey babe, heading out with friends now. I'll speak to you tomorrow, have a good night!" Which would eliminate you having to message him and him getting angry at you.

    The only other issue I could see is, do you maybe text him too much? If my partner kept texting me when I said I was out with friends, I probably wouldn't like it either. I mean, I am allowed to have some space and to have friends and have my own time. Not sure if maybe that's what irritates him.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    DancingFool, I hear you. I agree also on the aggression. 30 isn't any different from 20, 10 or 50 for me so I'm not sure age is an indicator of maturity. I've seen some 50 and 60 year olds do and say some incredible things. Hopefully the OP has a better idea soon of what her partner is about. I think there are a lot of underlying issues there like jealousy and insecurity. Both of you might not be compatible either (lifestyles, backgrounds etc aren't compatible).

  8. #17
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    When my hubs calls me at work about mundane things, or ha, anything, I am annoyed. Or if we're out doing our thing, I would be so annoyed if he just kept texting me. And I love him. I love spending time with him. I just want to focus on what I'm doing.

    So, don't text him when he's out with friends? I mean, you're not his mom. And stop texting him back when your out with friends. If it's important, then yes. If it's not, then save it when you see him the next day. But you need to be clear on how it makes you feel to him. Cuz one day, you're gonna have kids, and the total zoning out is unacceptable!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hopefully not with this guy. He's 30 and verbally abusive in addition to putting his pals and booze first Every weekend.
    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Cuz one day, you're gonna have kids

  10. #19
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    I dunno. I feel like she may be trying to get a full on text session going, and every single time he goes out, she's texting and getting annoyed when he's not responding every hour on the hour. But I could totally be wrong. I just know, my hubs knows where I am, but he must tell me about how he mowed the grass, or what the dogs are doing when I'm working. It's disruptive.

  11. #20
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    No. I always say to him before he goes out like have a nice time, message me when youíre back, let me know youíre safe- whatever. And he is the one who will still text and initiate conversation. But the way he talks to me is just rude at times. Not every single time, but 9/10. Sometimes itís as if he causes an argument before hand just so he can say that I donít like him spending time with people. Because he knows Iím not the type of person to keep my mouth shut. If he says something thatís rude, or something he knows I wonít like, he knows that I wonít just drop it- Iíll let him know what Iím thinking.

    I even said to him last night when he did this, please just leave me alone Iíll talk to you tomorrow. And every few minutes he would text me and text me. And he kept texting until I replied and said I thought I asked you to leave me alone? Itís almost like he does it on purpose but I just donít know why. Itís only when he drinks with friends. Never any other time.

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