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Thread: Why is he so different when he drinks?

  1. #1
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    Why is he so different when he drinks?

    Hey, so I am in a long term relationship with my partner. We had a lot of drama (mostly because of exes) when we first got together but we got through it all and are in a good place. Most of the time.
    We donít live together. Weíre in the same county but live about an hours drive away. So between work, life and studies (Iím doing my masters) we see each other when we can. Usually itís once or twice a week, or if we have time off work we spend all our days off and holidays together, but a good portion of our relationship is over the phone. And because he spends a lot of time with his mom and family he doesnít really like talking on the phone as he doesnít want them to listen to conversations, so we text a lot or send pictures and videos on snapchat throughout our day to check in with each other.
    We get on like a house on fire when we are together. When we are apart smaller, silly arguments can happen, usually because texts get misread or whatever. BUT, of a weekend, when heís out with friends, at the pub, watching football, etc, he just turns into another person.
    His whole tone changes, the way he talks to me, the amount of time he talks to me. His texts may as well not be sent as he sends a few words every hour or whatever. He becomes quite aggressive sometimes. If I say hey what you up to, are you home or out, are you seeing friends- you know just checking in, making conversation. If heís with friends and drinking he becomes super defensive and says that I am bombarding him, questioning him, donít want him to see his friends etc. I donít know where it comes from and I donít understand why it happens. This ONLY happens when heís drinking with friends and I just donít get it.
    If Iím out with my friends he will text me as normal and I reply when I can and everything is fine. When heís with his friends he acts like Iím such a nuisance and just getting in the way if I was to text him.
    Why is he like this?
    Iím sick of dreading every weekend or every other weekend when heís out with his friends because I know he will act this way. I shouldnít have to feel like this. I donít know what to do.

    I try my best to make him happy and keep our ďlong distanceĒ relationship going and making it work. But honestly, sometimes, he makes it impossible :(

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How old is he. You're trying to hard. Never "try to make it work". He's out drinking with his friend every/every other weekend? Do not communicate with him at all when he is out drinking.
    In the long run you need to decide if you are willing to put up with this level of disrespect and being second to booze and pals.
    Originally Posted by me1993
    Iím sick of dreading every weekend or every other weekend when heís out with his friends because I know he will act this way. I shouldnít have to feel like this.
    I try my best to make him happy and keep our ďlong distanceĒ relationship going and making it work. But honestly, sometimes, he makes it impossible :(

  3. #3
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear of this.

    Well certainly drinking can lead to behaviour changes, many times worse behaviour changes.
    Long distance relationships can be challenging in the best of times.

    If I am reading between the lines correctly, does he truly want to maintain this LDR, or do you think the distance is becoming a problem.
    I may be incorrect with this, but defensiveness (sometimes, not always) can mean there is someone else and the defensiveness manifests as guilt on his part.
    Again, I don't want to have you dwell on the thought that there is someone else, but it's possible.
    Give it some more time to making this work, but protect your heart from hurt in case it doesnt

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    Heís 30, Iím 27.
    We alternate visiting each other on a weekend. When he comes here he stays for 2 nights but when I go there I o my stay one night as I am guardian to my younger brother since our mom passed away last year. So I donít like to go for more than a night really. So that week he will be out with his friends the night before I go there. And there is usually some sort of argument/ ďdiscussionĒ when heís out so there is always a question mark over whether I am going to go visit him or not. Because he makes me feel like I donít want to put the effort in to see him.

    But youíre right. It does feel like I come second to booze and pals a lot of the time. When we drink together, which isnít that often as Iím not a big drinker, we are fine and never argue. Itís only when heís with others. Itís so frustrating at times

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    Originally Posted by Betterwithout
    Sorry to hear of this.

    Well certainly drinking can lead to behaviour changes, many times worse behaviour changes.
    Long distance relationships can be challenging in the best of times.

    If I am reading between the lines correctly, does he truly want to maintain this LDR, or do you think the distance is becoming a problem.
    I may be incorrect with this, but defensiveness (sometimes, not always) can mean there is someone else and the defensiveness manifests as guilt on his part.
    Again, I don't want to have you dwell on the thought that there is someone else, but it's possible.
    Give it some more time to making this work, but protect your heart from hurt in case it doesnt
    I think the distance is fine because we make time at least once or twice a week, every week, to see each other. Like last week for example he was with me for the whole week as he didnít have to work. So we spend as much time together as we can. He also plans to move to my city once he can get work here. Obviously the COVID situation has put a pause on this as thereís not much work going around at the moment. So I donít think thereís any issues there.

    I did wonder if there could be someone else but honestly I know where he is and who he is with pretty much all the time. He works nights. Comes home and sleeps. He will text me when he wakes up and usually that is followed by a picture on snapchat of him looking sleepy in his bed. And then he gets himself up and dressed and goes to his moms house for dinner and from there he goes back to work. He honestly just doesnít have the time.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about your mother. You seem much too level headed and mature for him.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think he views you as a pest or a nag if you keep texting him when he's out with his buddies and drinking. What if you stopped texting when he's out with friends and see how he reacts to that?

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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I think he views you as a pest or a nag if you keep texting him when he's out with his buddies and drinking. What if you stopped texting when he's out with friends and see how he reacts to that?
    Maybe so. Yet why does he text me constantly when Iím with my friends and thatís totally ok? I guess itís because I donít mind splitting my attention.

    He caused a small argument tonight- because heís out with friends. And I told him to leave me alone, I canít be bothered with the aggro. And heís text me over and over again saying heís sorry and asking if Iím ok and saying heís worried about me. All I could do was laugh at him. Heís so annoying. He causes these arguments and then tries to act like everything is ok. He swears at me and cussed me out one minute and then the next heís sorry and heís worried? I just donít understand what the need is.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear about your mother. You seem much too level headed and mature for him.
    Thank you. Itís been really hard. And he has helped me through a lot of it. But heís also caused a lot of stress on top of it too which I could do without.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Back off texting him when you know he's drinking with his friends. He doesn't wish to be bothered by you.

    I agree, it's unfair that you are accommodating by texting him whenever he texts you when you're with your friends. Perhaps both of you can make an agreement and not text when both of you are socializing with your friends. Compromise there.

    His behavior is alarming though. Instead of asking you nicely not to text him when he's drinking with his friends, he's quite aggressive, unkind and accusatory. He has a temper which is a red flag.

    Remain realistic. On top of that, your boyfriend is not easy to get along with whenever you're considered a nuisance and inconvenience to him. Beware.

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