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Thread: My dad's clutter is driving me crazy

  1. #21
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    Rental storage pods are also an option if your property allows it and that way he can have his personal belongings nearby.

    Or, maybe if you have a shed or extra space in the garage?

    But I concur, it's not fair it encroaches on your living space either. The effects of hoarding on other family members also has to be taken into consideration.
    Last edited by Leah33; 08-06-2020 at 11:49 PM.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If your Dad has the money to put toward your mortgage, then why not just refuse it and use it instead to set him up in his own studio apartment or a room in a boarding house?

    It makes no sense to create a problem only to wonder how to resolve the problem.

    Instead, skip the problem and help Dad find his own living quarters nearby.

    If the issue is that YOU NEED Dad's money, then use a portion of it to split the cost of a storage unit with him for anything beyond what he needs to live in your home.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    If you need Dad's help financially, then just put his extra stuff in storage. Problem solved. Storage is not that expensive when it's just for a few months.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It may end up costing you more just dealing with the hoarding. The exterminators (bed bugs, roaches, moths, etc) the toxic mold, and just clearing out and hauling off the rubbish.

    Especially throw out electronics as leaking batteries and other components are extremely toxic. Do not pamper a hoarder at the expense of your marriage, and health. Do not assume he is normal and will throw toxic waste out and therefore you shouldn't touch his stuff.

    Not to mention storing his things in a storage unit. Immediately get his toxic stuff out of all of rest of the house except his room so when he moves out the clean up won't be that horrendous. Having a hoarder move in was an a mistake even if you meant well.

    Clutter an hoarding are very costly: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    It makes no sense to create a problem only to wonder how to resolve the problem.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think both of you as a couple should sit down first and discuss what your options are for dad and both of you need to be on the same page. You need to make up your mind and deal with your own mixed emotions before you propose anything to your spouse or discuss things because the likelihood is she's just as emotional about these disruptions or even more so than you because he's not her father.

    Talk about it together and see whether you can come to a decision on how to handle this. Take the opportunity to do it as a team. You may be newlyweds but you are now also performing as one household/one unit or as a unified whole. You aren't kids anymore mucking around or dating and this isn't any old guy. He's your dad. I know you're both at your wits end and frustrated. Think about it for a few days and talk about it together.
    My wife was the one who suggested it, ironically. It's not uncommon in my country for parents to live with children as they get older. My wife isn't from here, but she was raised with somewhat similar values. Still, I didn't want him moving in because of my experience with him.

    When I had my first job, he came down for a long weekend and stayed for two weeks. The next time, he came for an extended vacation and basically just moved in.

    His excuse was I had a full time job and wouldn't have enough time to do cooking or laundry, despite the fact that everyone eventually moves out of their house and has to do those things at one point in their life.

    To be honest, it's not just the clutter that ticks me off, it's a lot of things. The constant haphazard trial and error way of doing things, and "saying thing just to be heard" (he once insisted I fold tissues a certain way after blowing my nose, for instance), or even trying to impose his rules in my house, are the big ones.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Now we are getting to the heart of the matter, OP.

    "To be honest, it's not just the clutter that ticks me off, it's a lot of things. The constant haphazard trial and error way of doing things, and "saying thing just to be heard" (he once insisted I fold tissues a certain way after blowing my nose, for instance), or even trying to impose his rules in my house, are the big ones."

    So, the simple question is: What are you going to do?

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do whatever you can to get him out caringly but asap.

  9. #28
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    it sounds like he is not the type of hoarder where you have to worry about filth. It sounds like he is indecisive about keeping things and relied on mom to steer him. He doesn't have that, and you should not take on a parenting role. I do think you should not let dad pay towards your mortgage. If he wants to pay a bill to be in charge of -- cable if he wanted more channels than you had, etc, or some other utility, that would make him feel in charge of something and not paying his kid per se. I do think that if you had a larger place with a separate wing or inlaw apartment that would be one thing, but he is overstepping boundaries and rubbing you the wrong way. If he insists to give you money instead of paying a bill and he contributes in other ways, i would use half of what he gives you towards the mortgage and save half of it in an account in case he needs it (he needs things healthwise or for a deposit for a condo or something down the road). If he never needs it, fine, but that way you don't have to "budget for dad" down the road.

  10. #29
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    does dad have a hobby?

  11. #30
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    Not really. Watching YouTube and playing cards or golfing with friends.

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