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Thread: Gf broke up with me after we got back together. Loss of spark.

  1. #1
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    Gf broke up with me after we got back together. Loss of spark.

    Me and my ex broke up in January. I broke up with her because I was losing feeling for her and was 50-50 about our future. We come from different backgrounds/religions and have some other complicated situations for our future.

    In February and March I thought I was ready to commit and be to her but I still was not sure. So I crushed her. I was still 50-50

    I was her first love.

    We met at the End of April and talked about things and decided that getting back together would be possible. I was in a in different mindset to commit to her. She was still hesitant. We met at the end of May because she had some family health problems(covid) and we talked about it again she accepted to get back together but a little begrudgingly.


    I had to convince her to do it I feel.
    We spent a month together me being 150% for her. Showing her this is what I want, proving to her. She saw it too but the spark started to die for her. She didnít feel the same when I texted her. She wasnt completely buzzed to see me like she once was. We always had a good time together. We went out for dinner, we had a picnic. We were settling a new foundation. I was gaining her trust back which I did.

    So the month me being 150% she was 50-50 now. We had a role reversal. I feel like the naivety of her love eyes disappeared on the the months we were broken up. She realized to live without me. To be happy without me. She started to question what I questioned before. All this doubt I feel kept the flame or spark lower.

    We only saw eachother a few times over the month, I thought maybe the second month we would do more outdoor things more new exciting things, like hiking or exploring new places but she gave up. She said she doesnít want to drag me along feeling not 100%.

    She forgave me for the pain I put her through because she understands now.

    I love her so much and I really wish she also wanted to continue a life with me but this year has been a waste for me.

    A waste for my career and Furthering my life.
    I graduated with an engineering degree and Iím stuck at a dead end city job and I put on some weight and Iím not the same as i met her 2 years ago. Iím not at as happy without her. Iím not happy with myself and my life.

    So I do thank her for letting me go so that I can get back to where I was.

    I know I need to move on but I do hope if we do run into eachother later on in life and Iím where I should be maybe we can hit things off. Maybe that spark can come back.

    Relationships are work, if you want it to work they will work. Think about arranged marriages. They last the longest because they work together and love eachother.

    Sheís 22 and Iím 27 so she still has a lot of her life yet and I feel like she might want to be single after this for a bit. Get her life in order and look to her future as well.

    Idk if Iím being stupid but she is amazing and great supportive partner. Sheís beautiful and sheís everything I could want in a woman. This change is for me but I hope that in the end we can rekindle in the end, but I wonít be doing all this for her. I know I need to keep my mind open.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    I think it's worth reflecting on this dynamic as a whole, particularly on what seems like a pattern here: you feeling your strongest feelings only after breaking up, you at your most passionate either when you've lost her or are trying to get her back, as opposed to just being with her. Not the strongest glue, all that, since it's generally glue stirred by the ego, not the heart.

    Time, hard as it is, to be brutally honest with yourself. Per your previous post, and this one, you were not only 50-50 during much of the time with her, but were sprung on another woman for a good stretch. When that failed to take hold, and only then, did you start circling back around and thinking about commitment to your now ex. Granted, I'm just here observing from the sidelines, but that looks a lot more like someone who is frightened to be alone than someone who really wants to be with a specific human being.

    Your ex, I think, senses this, sensed it. Being "150 percent" in? That's a performance, not genuine. "Proving" yourself is also a performance. Can imagine that, somewhere in her mind, she feared that once your performance was rewarded by her affections you'd settle back into your truer, more authentic selfóthe guy who was 100 percent into her being into you (those "love eyes"), while your own "into" meter for her flickered and your love eyes wandered. If you can tap into some humility you may come to thank her for seeing something in yourself that you can't quite see.

    Feel these feelings, process them, forward movement. Relationships take work, sure, but it's neither the work of putting on a play nor the work of hauling bricks up a mountain. The reward is not "having" someone or "getting" someone, or basking in the spot light of "love eyes," but finding someone who you can just be you alongside, while they are themselves alongside you. And when you have that? Well, it's not that hard, the brain isn't shot through with nagging doubts, and it's sincere compatibility that fuels the connection and the feelings, not dramatic peaks and valleys.

    You've both given it a go. Be proud of that, and learn from it. Whatever the future holds, you can only discover it by letting go of this chapter. As these potent feelings of loss pass, you may come to find that you'd work better alongside someone with whom your more genuinely compatible. Nothing to prove there, nothing to perform, but just a connection to savor.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HelloINeedU

    I know I need to move on but I do hope if we do run into eachother later on in life and Iím where I should be maybe we can hit things off. Maybe that spark can come back.

    Relationships are work, if you want it to work they will work. Think about arranged marriages. They last the longest because they work together and love eachother.

    Sheís 22 and Iím 27 so she still has a lot of her life yet and I feel like she might want to be single after this for a bit. Get her life in order and look to her future as well.

    Idk if Iím being stupid but she is amazing and great supportive partner. Sheís beautiful and sheís everything I could want in a woman. This change is for me but I hope that in the end we can rekindle in the end, but I wonít be doing all this for her. I know I need to keep my mind open.
    Are you asking for advice or journalling? If you are asking for advice, I'd say you already know it by the sentences you wrote above! Take your own advice. Let her continue with her life and focus on getting you back in shape both mentally and physically. If you do get back together in the future great, but you know that often doesn't work out that way. You can learn from this relationship and continue to find love in the next relationship.
    Good luck my friend.

  4. #4
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    Time to get your life back, without her. Focus on your job search and getting to a healthier place.

    I don't think this had a chance, due to your involvement with the other girl. You cheated on her. I wouldn't have been able to trust you. That was not cool.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry about all this.

    I think it's worth reflecting on this dynamic as a whole, particularly on what seems like a pattern here: you feeling your strongest feelings only after breaking up, you at your most passionate either when you've lost her or are trying to get her back, as opposed to just being with her. Not the strongest glue, all that, since it's generally glue stirred by the ego, not the heart.

    Time, hard as it is, to be brutally honest with yourself. Per your previous post, and this one, you were not only 50-50 during much of the time with her, but were sprung on another woman for a good stretch. When that failed to take hold, and only then, did you start circling back around and thinking about commitment to your now ex. Granted, I'm just here observing from the sidelines, but that looks a lot more like someone who is frightened to be alone than someone who really wants to be with a specific human being.

    Your ex, I think, senses this, sensed it. Being "150 percent" in? That's a performance, not genuine. "Proving" yourself is also a performance. Can imagine that, somewhere in her mind, she feared that once your performance was rewarded by her affections you'd settle back into your truer, more authentic selfóthe guy who was 100 percent into her being into you (those "love eyes"), while your own "into" meter for her flickered and your love eyes wandered. If you can tap into some humility you may come to thank her for seeing something in yourself that you can't quite see.

    Feel these feelings, process them, forward movement. Relationships take work, sure, but it's neither the work of putting on a play nor the work of hauling bricks up a mountain. The reward is not "having" someone or "getting" someone, or basking in the spot light of "love eyes," but finding someone who you can just be you alongside, while they are themselves alongside you. And when you have that? Well, it's not that hard, the brain isn't shot through with nagging doubts, and it's sincere compatibility that fuels the connection and the feelings, not dramatic peaks and valleys.

    You've both given it a go. Be proud of that, and learn from it. Whatever the future holds, you can only discover it by letting go of this chapter. As these potent feelings of loss pass, you may come to find that you'd work better alongside someone with whom your more genuinely compatible. Nothing to prove there, nothing to perform, but just a connection to savor.
    Appreciate the reply. I put 150% because I was super committed to being with her. I know knew I was willing to take those big steps with her that I was unsure of before. I felt like how I was in when we first met. Iím not scared of being alone. Maybe I was too much for her, but she even told me that she saw the change and work I was putting in to help her and show her this is true. I actually had decided my original GF was who I truly loved and wanted to be with. That the complications I was thinking of could be dealt with and prosper in the future. I didnít just pick her because the things with someone else were not going how I wanted. They could have, I decided against it. I didnít want to pursue that. My ex was someone I could be myself around and she could be herself around Me. She even said she still is attracted to me and enjoys my company but thereís a spark missing and that Comes from me and I know it.(also possibly some things you said urself) I regret the choices I Made, but I believe she started to think what I was thinking before with life with her that made me 50-50. The other girl is a metaphor for a more simpler life with easier compatibility but it wasnít until I made that decision that I could live and love the new and different In my life with my ex that I propelled forward. I wanted to grow and be a part of her life in a bigger and better way.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Time to get your life back, without her. Focus on your job search and getting to a healthier place.

    I don't think this had a chance, due to your involvement with the other girl. You cheated on her. I wouldn't have been able to trust you. That was not cool.
    Donít focus on that. Just this post.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by HelloINeedU
    Donít focus on that. Just this post.
    It is highly relevant. It would be the reason for not being able to return to you, as she does not trust you. You cannot forget how your actions are responsible for the break up.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Why not work on improving your happiness? Get to a doctor and a therapist to work that out.

    Unfortunately it sounds like there were too many cultural, religious and interpersonal conflicts about goals, values, feelings etc.

    On/off relationships rarely work out because the original conflicts and issues are still there.

    Have you considered dating women from your religion/culture, so at last you don't have to deal with that kind of dead-end situation?

    Is this the same exgf? : [Register to see the link]

    Originally Posted by HelloINeedU
    I broke up with her because I was losing feeling for her and was 50-50 about our future. We come from different backgrounds/religions and have some other complicated situations for our future. She saw it too but the spark started to die for her.

    I graduated with an engineering degree and Iím stuck at a dead end city job and I put on some weight and Iím not the same as i met her 2 years ago.

  10. #9
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    Thatís exactly what Iím going to do, work on myself. Get myself back to where I want to be. In my brain and heart all those cultural an religious differences which I had alarmed me prior I am now willing to endeavor in and be apart of.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Why not work on improving your happiness? Get to a doctor and a therapist to work that out.

    Unfortunately it sounds like there were too many cultural, religious and interpersonal conflicts about goals, values, feelings etc.

    On/off relationships rarely work out because the original conflicts and issues are still there.

    Have you considered dating women from your religion/culture, so at last you don't have to deal with that kind of dead-end situation?

    Is this the same exgf? : [Register to see the link]
    Thatís exactly what Iím going to do, work on myself. Get myself back to where I want to be. In my brain and heart all those cultural an religious differences which I had alarmed me prior I am now willing to endeavor in and be apart of.

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