Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 29

Thread: Slowing down

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    134

    Slowing down

    Hey all,

    I'm back and in need of some guidance.
    Earlier this year I was involved in a painful breakup.
    I struggled but all is now good and I feel much better.
    I've since met someone else, we were sort of friends previously but had never dated etc.

    We decided to make a go of it and all has been going well. She said how she wanted long term and not interested in a fling. I was totally and still am happy with that.
    She has 3 kids and said to me she would only like me to meet then when she knew it would be long term. I met them a few weeks in and she has stated that she is so amazed with how I adapted to dealing with three kids that aren't my own.
    We spent a bit of time together, staying at hers. Her coming to me and we spoke on the phone every day.
    She's often spoke of how one day it would be amazing for us to live together, how she would love to get married etc etc. We both took it with a pinch of salt as it was purely mentioned in a light hearted way between us.
    Randomly on Saturday/Sunday she says we need to slow down. We aren't texting/calling as much and every communication is instigated by me.
    I'm not sure how to help her with the slowing down as everything was being done at a pace she felt happy with.
    She mentioned she felt she may have rushed into our relationship but then stated we are fine.
    I'm not sure how best to interpret what she's saying!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,164
    Gender
    Male
    Sounds good. It seems like she was getting ahead of herself and just wanted to tell you about it. Just let her set the pace and lay back a bit.
    Originally Posted by Rb1980
    Randomly on Saturday/Sunday she says we need to slow down.
    I'm not sure how to help her with the slowing down as everything was being done at a pace she felt happy with.
    She mentioned she felt she may have rushed into our relationship but then stated we are fine.
    I'm not sure how best to interpret what she's saying!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    11,151
    Gender
    Female
    When a person asks to slow down, you don't help them with that, you simply respect the request and give them some space and distance. Maybe back off calling/talking every day and give her a chance to actually miss you and reach out to you or if you talk/text often through the day, slow it down to just once per day. Basically, whatever your communication frequency now, space it out a bit more.

    Overall, might be good for you to take a step back and evaluate her behavior at large for your own sake and check in this is really going as well as you thought.

    From where I'm sitting, her mouth and feet are moving in opposite directions. Bit of a warning flag in the air. For example, she says she really wants to get to know you first, but then just barely 3 weeks in, introduces her kids to you. Kind of inappropriate really and totally against her own expressed desires. From there it escalated pretty fast to coming over, staying over, etc, etc, etc. Again she says she wants to take things slow, but then pushed a blistering pace forward. Now she is knee jerking back to what she thinks she wants..... a bit of bolting the barn door after the horse is long gone. What that should tell you is that this woman isn't quite all that balanced, doesn't have very good boundaries and seems mixed up about what she really wants to be doing and how.

    This might be just a small hiccup or the tip of the iceberg. Only time will tell. One thing to ponder for you is maybe don't act like a tumbleweed in the wind when dating. She may be pushing the pace, but you have full agency to tap the brakes and sometimes maybe you should - like meeting kids in just three weeks.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,822
    Gender
    Male
    Agree with Wiseman.

    Seems she bended a bit on her own rules, in the sense that she introduced you to her children more or less right off the bat. Stir in talks of marriage and moving in, no matter how fluttery, and that’s a gas pedal pressed to floor. Think of this as her easing up, just a touch, so you guys can enjoy the ride responsibly.

    I get how it might feel like a bit of a record scratch, but regardless of where this goes I think she’s showing you a side of her to respect and appreciate.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    134
    Cheers guys,

    I know I'm a bit of a with stuff like this as I over analyze where I really shouldn't and in turn that probably pisses her off more.
    I don't mean to do it! I just find myself querying certain actions and then ask about them.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,053
    It's possible one of the kids didn't like you.

    Kids can make or break a relationship. If one of them didn't like you, it really can impact the entire thing, and no she wouldn't tell you if one of them said something or what they said because it would make things even more awkward.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SooSad33's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    6,850
    Listen to what she is saying.

    I think she is realizing there is too much going on... when you meet up with someone, you do not mention marriage with such a fresh relationship.

    You are still getting to know each other.. maybe mention the M word after a cpl years- when you KNOW things are still going well.

    thing are always great in the beginning.. but maybe now, she is feeling it is all a little much and maybe she does not see such as Marriage after all.

    Just give her some space.. Lay off on the continous contact.. do NOT expect to be moving in with her and her kids anytime soon!

    I am sure she does mean the long term thing.. by sounds of it. she is big into that- of course. I would want that as well.
    BUT does not mean it is acheivable. Can be many challenges that go with it.

    Soon enough you will see IF it will work or not.
    dont pressure her.. give her respect and time.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,724
    Maybe the kids' father is wondering why you've been around them more or less from the beginning? Or perhaps one or more of the kids is struggling to adapt to a new man in their life. Do you know much about the backstory between her and their dad?

    As the others have said, it sounds like she got ahead of herself and is realizing that wasn't the best way to approach it. All you can do is respect what she's said and observe now. You can't help her slow down, and I don't get the sense she's asked you to do so anyway. If she's had a change of heart, for whatever reason, you'll know soon enough.

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    134
    Thanks.
    I suppose one thing I should add that causes me a little anxiety is that at the moment she doesn't want me staying over-im cool with that if it helps things progress.
    However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.
    I felt uncomfortable with this as why should he be able to stay but not me. On one hand I appreciate why he would. On the other, I don't at all.
    She has insisted she sleeps in her kids bedroom and he sleeps in her room with his kid.
    I'm happy to slow the pace but this thing of him staying has rocked me a bit, I've started analysing what may happen when the kids go to bed and it's just them two downstairs, I've started thinking what if this day together reignites a spark for her.

    I hate that I had come so far and now am falling back again!

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Posts
    134
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Maybe the kids' father is wondering why you've been around them more or less from the beginning? Or perhaps one or more of the kids is struggling to adapt to a new man in their life. Do you know much about the backstory between her and their dad?

    As the others have said, it sounds like she got ahead of herself and is realizing that wasn't the best way to approach it. All you can do is respect what she's said and observe now. You can't help her slow down, and I don't get the sense she's asked you to do so anyway. If she's had a change of heart, for whatever reason, you'll know soon enough.
    Hey!
    The father has no input in their lives. He basically walked out when they were younger, she was really thankful that I had come along as she said she sees me as being someone that would help steer the kids right through life.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •