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Thread: Slowing down

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately it sounds like she is trying to rekindle that relationship.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Rb1980
    However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.
    I felt uncomfortable with this as why should he be able to stay but not me. On one hand I appreciate why he would. On the other, I don't at all.
    She has insisted she sleeps in her kids bedroom and he sleeps in her room with his kid.
    If he lives two hours away and they dated for three weeks - do the kids even know each other? If so, how? It is something the kids were asking to do (play with his kids) or is this something the two of them arranged without prompting from the little ones?

    Two hours is a long way to come for a play date that would necessitate a sleepover, especially when it's not clear how well these kids knew each other already. This combined with her wanting to slow down doesn't look too good, if I'm being honest.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.
    I felt uncomfortable with this as why should he be able to stay but not me. On one hand I appreciate why he would. On the other, I don't at all.
    She has insisted she sleeps in her kids bedroom and he sleeps in her room with his kid.


    Oh, wow. You're a total doormat that you're okay with this just because they made previous plans. She's showing you her pattern here and her total lack of boundaries. If she really saw you as potential long term material, she would not jeopardize what she has with you by flaunting this nonsense in your face. Do you really think he'd drive a four hour round trip so his child could have a playdate with someone they'd met once or twice? You're very naive. Walk away from Miss Loopy so you can be free to meet someone decent.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    This combined with her wanting to slow down doesn't look too good, if I'm being honest.
    Have to second this, sorry to say.

    In your shoes, I wouldn't be concerned that this meant she was trying to rekindle something with this guy so much that I'd just be wondering about her emotional maturity, whether she lives her life in a way that fits with the way I live mine. On one hand, she talks about certain (very sensible) boundaries when it comes to dating and her children, yet at this point that really seems more aspirational than actual. You met her kids at light speed—and so too, it seems, did your predecessor. And now they're doing playdates? Just seems...well, like the behavior of someone who is in a scattered juncture in her life. Rushing in, pulling back, insta-romance, insta-friendship, etc. etc.

    You know her, and yourself, better than us. Just remember this is a time to observe, first and foremost, and be honest with how those observations settle in your gut.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.
    I felt uncomfortable with this as why should he be able to stay but not me. On one hand I appreciate why he would. On the other, I don't at all.
    She has insisted she sleeps in her kids bedroom and he sleeps in her room with his kid.


    Oh, wow. You're a total doormat that you're okay with this just because they made previous plans. She's showing you her pattern here and her total lack of boundaries. If she really saw you as potential long term material, she would not jeopardize what she has with you by flaunting this nonsense in your face. Do you really think he'd drive a four hour round trip so his child could have a playdate with someone they'd met once or twice? You're very naive. Walk away from Miss Loopy so you can be free to meet someone decent.
    I agree. A total deal breaker. You are making a huge mistake allowing yourself to tolerate this slap in the face.

    That would the day! I'd allow myself to be treated like an option.

    Notice I'm saying allowing myself, tolerating something happening to me.

    Its not allowing her or tolerating her... its letting yourself be put in shelf for a day and a night while she socializes with another man, as a family unit... dealing with the kids and then adult time...

    I would tell her flat, I've been thinking about this and it's not cool with me. I understand this is what she wants. I've been very respectful of her boundaries, now I respect mine.

    You are not being treated well and this not setting a foundation for you to be treated better in the future.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rb1980
    Thanks.
    I suppose one thing I should add that causes me a little anxiety is that at the moment she doesn't want me staying over-im cool with that if it helps things progress.
    However next week she is meeting up with a guy she briefly dated (literally dated for 3 weeks) so that her kids and his can play together. I have no issue with that as this was arranged before we got together. However she has said because he lives 2 hours away and they are out for the whole day, he may stay over.
    I felt uncomfortable with this as why should he be able to stay but not me. On one hand I appreciate why he would. On the other, I don't at all.
    She has insisted she sleeps in her kids bedroom and he sleeps in her room with his kid.
    I'm happy to slow the pace but this thing of him staying has rocked me a bit, I've started analysing what may happen when the kids go to bed and it's just them two downstairs, I've started thinking what if this day together reignites a spark for her.

    I hate that I had come so far and now am falling back again!
    Wow....I'm really kind of speechless here. This woman is inviting a guy she barely knows to play with her kids and stay over her place..... OP, if you are willing to swallow this bs as "for the children" then I've got a bridge you might be interested in. Please do not be so naive. This isn't a playdate, this is a date and she is lying to your face and using her children to manipulate you.

    It's not what might happen when the kids are in bed that you should be concerned about so much as that this woman is parading strange men through her house and her childrens' lives indiscriminately and that she is taking you already for a complete doormat.

    Look, if you had exercise some better judgment and balance yourself, you wouldn't be this far along and realizing that this chic is messed up and someone to be shown the door would be an easy and logical decision. Unfortunately your focus seems to be on getting into a relationship, any relationship without evaluating at all if this person is in any way, shape, or form right for you. If you carry on like that and don't fix your approach, you are in for a whole lot of pain and disappointment.

    When you start dating, know what you want, what a healthy person looks like, what a healthy pace looks like and when you meet women, evaluate them on whether they meet that basic criteria. If they don't, move on. Right now, your only criteria seems to be "whatever she wants as long as she wants me" - this is a disastrous way to approach dating and relationships and will get you burnt time and again.

    As for this chic - show her the door and call it a day. Surely you can figure out that she is unfit as a partner.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it sounds like an adult play date.
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    This isn't a playdate

  9. #18
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    Unfortunately, it is her way of saying she is not interested in you for anything substantial. She jumped on too fast, then realized you are not the one. Sge might hit you up though if she needs a favor or is unusually bored. Sounds too like she's not over her ex.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    She flat out told you she's looking for someone to help her (financially?) with her kids.

    I have to wonder if that other guy makes more money or something...

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with the other comments that having the other kids and the father stay over isn't appropriate. If that's the case they should have left earlier in the afternoon.

    I really feel for you. You went with her guidelines and accepted her family, thinking that things were ok. Don't lose faith in people in general. Dial back interactions with this person and don't initiate any other contact with her. Take time to process what you want out of a relationship and give this the dust time to settle. You'll think a bit clearer that way and be able to make a decision that's best for you.

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