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Thread: Erase His Past

  1. #1
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    Erase His Past

    My husband and I got back together in January after a 3 year separation. I temporarily moved back into our house, as it is our plan to sell and buy a new one next year.

    While I as rearranging a few things, I came across some articles of clothing from his interim relationship. When I mentioned it to him, he threw them away immediately. At that time I asked if there was anything else in the house that belonged to her, he wasn't sure and offered to go through the house with me.

    We cleaned the house from top to bottom, throwing away quite a few items, including bedding, towels, and other gifts she gave him, cards etc. We even bought a new bedroom set. When we checked his social media we saw that she deleted and blocked him on all sites but one. They were together for about 2 years, (she was not the cause of our breakup) and from what I understand, she was a bit controlling and 'emotionally off balance', so I found it interesting that he did not think to do this before I moved back in. At first I didn't believe it because you know there are 2 sides to every story, but he kept a few scathing emails and voicemails she sent to him, 'just in case' apparently she threatened to tell his brother that he was being 'mean' to her. Her tone and words proved to me that she was emotionally immature. Literally apologizing in a baby voice and then offering sex acts to make it up to him. He said she would go off the deep end a few times and then come back like nothing was wrong. She was younger, 35-ish, we are both 47.

    I have two questions/concerns:

    I have slight reservations about why he would continue a life with a woman like that. I tend to question his judgement because of it.

    I know I can't fully erase his past, but should I ask him to remove anything related to her? Anything and everything, including his phone contacts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you've done enough to erase his past, how far do you think you need to go? I can see getting rid of her clothing but to get rid of towels, bedding and even a bedroom set seems over the top to me. You will never erase whatever memories are in his head. I'd be more concerned about you than him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Speak about it openly but you'll have to remember to calm yourself and be willing to speak in a neutral tone. Don't start with accusations or first sentences bombarding him about all the things you didn't like during your time apart.

    Do you mind me asking why you both separated? I ask because I'm sensing a lot of insecurity but I'm not sure if you're offloading it onto this interim relationship and his questionable decisions while you were apart.

    Your reasoning for reconciliation has to stand. Does it still make sense to you? Have both of you worked out your differences or come up with new ways of dealing with the challenges that originally ended the relationship or created the separation?

    Is there a reason why you're moving back in and is it a bit of a hasty decision?

    I wouldn't jump to any conclusions until you speak about it openly with each other and I would not move in again so quickly until you're sure that your original issues have been addressed. If it's questionable decisions and judgment that ended the relationship the first time, you'll have to ask yourself if you're being a bit too quick in trusting. It doesn't sound to me like you're ready to move in together or ready to accept each other for the mistakes that you've both made.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Unless I'm missing something your prior thread from June 2019 doesn't seem to coincide with this thread. You were 36 at that time, and now you're 47?

    I'm sorry if I misread something here, but is this the same person?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Yeah, you posted in October 2019 that you two reconciled. This is what you wrote then:
    "It's been 18 mos since we reconciled and moved in together. The energy in our relationship feels different, stronger. People say there is no such thing as perfect, but I feel it's all relative because for what we now want for our future, we are perfect for each other."

    Now you're saying January this year.

    So, can you clarify? I'm trying to figure out if you're talking about a different man.

  7. #6
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    The past cannot be erased. This is a lesson I have learned in my previous relationships. What can be done, however, is to ease its weight on the shoulders of a significant other.

    Your husband cannot change the fact that he was with that girl for two years, but he offered to get rid of her things and memories, which is an incredibly selfless act and the most important proof of his serious commitment to you.

    I would not advise you to rationalise why he stayed with her even if she was unstable. It may look like madness from the perspective of an outsider, but when you are in the relationship, every temper tantrum, every cruelty s mellowed by the feelings and desire to patch things up. People usually realise how bad the situation was when they are out of there.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are both GFs using the account? One post is written from the 3 yr GF and the other from the returning GF.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Are both GFs using the account? One post is written from the 3 yr GF and the other from the returning GF.
    I wonder if this is one of those "I just wanted to get different points of view" posters. Because the posting history makes no sense.

    OP, can you please clarify?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by CloudedBlue

    I have slight reservations about why he would continue a life with a woman like that.?
    Easy. He wasn't over you. You will tend to find someone crazy or inappropriate (like I have in the past) to avoid getting into a committed relationship.

    I think you need a fresh start together, and you have to just either cut eachother some slack, and let it go. It's easier once you started making positive associations. Go on dates!!!! Do a class together. Things you've never done before together.

  11. #10
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    Oh, yeah, noticed that about the opposite POVs on the older posts.

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