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Completely lost and unhappy with myself


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Hello everyone,

 

I’m not doing well at the moment. Things aren’t going the way I want them to be. But that’s life, right?

 

Social media and comparing my life to others is killing me. I’m 28 years old, been single for 1 year now after an on-off relationship with my ex who I saw (not see) as the love of my life.

 

But that breakup isn’t the reason why I am unhappy. I’m getting at an age where most of my peers are getting children, are buying their homes, getting maried. While I live at my parents home. Positive note, I’ve almost saved enough money to buy my own house, but I rather do it with someone I love. It’s not that I hate it here. I love my parents, but I want to move on. But my parents are strongly against renting a place, so they insist that I buy (with their financial help) a nice home.

 

I miss having someone that really likes me. Lately I’m feeling lost. My bestfriends went on a holiday without me, because they went with 3 couples. So no room for single me. I have another group of friends who goes out a lot, and while I enjoy to go out sometimes, it’s just not 100% who I am. So I struggle to feel myself completely at home.

 

So what’s the problem. Not being loved? Not feeling appreciated? I don’t know. It’s like all social gatherings at my age are linked to couples. Couples inviting other couples over for diner etc... You want to buy a house? You need a partner.. It justs puts an enormous pressure on me. It’s like: “as long as you are single, you won’t be happy”.

 

And I just want to be happy.

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Hello everyone,

 

I’m not doing well at the moment. Things aren’t going the way I want them to be. But that’s life, right?

 

Social media and comparing my life to others is killing me. I’m 28 years old, been single for 1 year now after an on-off relationship with my ex who I saw (not see) as the love of my life.

 

But that breakup isn’t the reason why I am unhappy. I’m getting at an age where most of my peers are getting children, are buying their homes, getting maried. While I live at my parents home. Positive note, I’ve almost saved enough money to buy my own house, but I rather do it with someone I love. It’s not that I hate it here. I love my parents, but I want to move on. But my parents are strongly against renting a place, so they insist that I buy (with their financial help) a nice home.

 

I miss having someone that really likes me. Lately I’m feeling lost. My bestfriends went on a holiday without me, because they went with 3 couples. So no room for single me. I have another group of friends who goes out a lot, and while I enjoy to go out sometimes, it’s just not 100% who I am. So I struggle to feel myself completely at home.

 

So what’s the problem. Not being loved? Not feeling appreciated? I don’t know. It’s like all social gatherings at my age are linked to couples. Couples inviting other couples over for diner etc... You want to buy a house? You need a partner.. It justs puts an enormous pressure on me. It’s like: “as long as you are single, you won’t be happy”.

 

And I just want to be happy.

Buy the house when you want to buy the house. That way it's yours. Don't wait until you find someone. And if you're counting on finding someone to restore your happiness, then you'll be co-dependent. And that pushes people away. You're still really young. You got time. Do the things you want to do. If it's buying a house, then do it. If it's finding a new job, hobby, etc. But don't get caught up in desperately trying to find someone. You can end up settling.

 

And you're not alone. Many people are going through rough times right now.

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The time to buy a house is when you know you can afford it and you really like it. You dont wait for someone to share it with. The housing market always goes up and the sooner you get in it, the sooner you will have it paid off. I am totally in favour of home ownership.

 

When you do buy the house, your life will be different because of it. Hopefully you meet new and interesting people and expand on your life. You are letting life pass you by.

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Your parents have no say unless you choose to accept their financial help. If you want to move, you can move. If you want to stay and have their help in buying a house, do that. Just realize it's your choice, you are an adult and can do whatever it is you choose.

Likewise, you can choose to look at your life differently. You can choose to consciously stop feeding the comparison game in your head, and instead put that energy into pursuing those things that you really enjoy and care about.

It's impossible to gauge happiness by outward goalposts. For all you know, some of your friends may be struggling or unsatisfied with where they are at and choices thry have made. Doesn't matter, what matters is being engaged in your own life to the point where you just don't have time or inclination for comparing to others.

Honestly, when you are strongly engaged in your own, it doesn't matter quite as much to reach milestones you have arbitrarily decided in your head will bring happiness. It's trite but true that the joy is in the doing, the living and striving and creating. There is always the next milestone, the next goal post, and sometimes what makes you happy is the surprises along the way.

Last thing I'd add is the value of a gratitude practise. Life is wild, but taking time to be grateful for what we do have has scientific merit. It's proven to help increase a sense of groundedness, a place to make room for joy.

Good luck!

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You just sound like your lonely and bored, to be honest. Use a small portion of that money you've saved and perhaps invest in new clothes,

workout, and consider having your pictures taken by either a professional or someone who knows how to take quality pictures and use them

on dating sites. Bumble is a good sight. Trust me, you'll eventually meet someone. Just be patient man,

you're still so young and stop being so hard on yourself. Good luck!

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You need to move out of your parents house and cut the apron strings. At your age living with parents and them making lifestyle and financial decisions for you is stunting your growth and preventing you from dating as an independent adult .

 

Step number one is to move out. Whether you buy a place (on your own, NEVER buy a place with someone you're just dating) or renting.

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It's no longer about what your parents want as you've been an adult for quite some time. So if you don't want to buy, tell them, "Thanks for your input, but I've decided I'm going to . . . " Think about if their financial contribution for your house comes with too big of a price emotionally. I don't know them, so I don't know if that offer comes with strings or expectations from them.

 

There are plenty of cheap in-law suites you can rent if you don't feel like buying right now. If you do buy, know that it doesn't have to be a forever home. If you and your future spouse want something different, you can sell the house and buy something together.

 

Starting a new hobby you can be passionate about can reignite some joy in your life. After my first marriage ended, my friends weren't always available to hang out since the all worked different schedules, and most of them were also partnered up. I took dance lessons that were followed by a dance (East Coast Swing). If you research types of dance classes offered in your area, you might be surprised at how much is going on that you didn't know about, and that's a great way to meet new people. I also started attending Meetup.com group activities for singles in my age group. During that time I also did OLD, and after a lot of frustrating and hilarious experiences, I did finally meet my future husband.

 

Of course you'll have to wait until vaccines are available for the virus to get really social, but it's something to mentally prepare for and look forward to. I recommend the book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne to get into a positive mindset about life in general. Good luck.

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Firstly, you are not alone with those feelings. Just yesterday there was another woman going through the same kind of thing. read this:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=565570

 

So in summary, don't compare yourself to others. EVERYONE has a different path! You need to choose the Pikachu path, not what "everyone else is doing"

 

Speaking of your own path....I will add that making a move towards independence and out of your parents home can do nothing but good things for you at this stage.

Sounds like you have been good with your money, so if you want to continue to let your money grow, have you considered buying a home, living in a part of it and renting out the rest to help pay the mortgage?

IN my mid 20's, I bought my first home with my girlfriend and it was the best financial decision I made even though I had to work 3 jobs to afford it. But looking back, I wished I was single and rented out the rest of the house.

I would be a millionaire today if I continued with real estate investment. (buy, rent out, buy 2nd home, rent out, etc)

 

Keep your head up and draw out a new plan for YOU and don't worry about matching to the norms.

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Why are you allowing your parents to dictate how you live at 28 though? Or is it that you can't move out because they're pressuring you to save money instead? End of the day you can do what you want. But I think it's not good to just blame your parents and circumstances for your life because you're making your own choices. You are not just a passive victim of your life. You actually decided to live your life like this.

 

Also I think if all your friends are in couples and don't wanna hang out, maybe it's time to make new friends. Through single friends you may be able to meet guys too. Hanging out in couples' friendship circles is probably not doing you any favours regarding your self-esteem and opportunities to meet like minded friends or a partner. When covid is over, maybe you should start getting out there as much as possible and meet new people. And you could do online dating too.

 

I think you're actually wrong in thinking that life is only made for people in couples. There are also so many single people in this world. Most of my friends are actually single and I am too. I go on holidays with my single friends and it's fine. Also keep in mind that to attract a partner you also have to present as a good catch. No offense but still living with your parents probably doesn't give off that impression. When do you think you might be able to buy the house?

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I agree with Tinydance; it would have been considerate of your friends to take some time to do something with you without their partners, especially knowing your situation and your feeling a bit lonely.

 

Sorry you're feeling this way. If it helps, many people are going through a tough time right now. Take care of yourself.

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I feel that you feel lost.. you have lost yourself... Maybe?

 

How about not paying so much attention to social media.. But focus more on YOU.

How about hobbies? crafts.. baking etc.

I have been okay & comfy at home learning to crochet again - thanks to youtube :)

Plus gathering a good amt of berries to try & make jam.

 

How about YOU?

Have some down time and learn how to be okay on your own.. go for nature walks.

 

as for a home.. is all up to you. Nothing wrong with getting yourself established and comfy.. Make it your own :).

My brother did that.. had a place on the go- before he ever married & had a woman move in with him.

 

No expectations in regards to a relationship. If you feel lonely or desperate, dont pay attention to that!

would do you some good to be okay alone again.. to focus more on YOU.

Never feel you have to be involved.

 

I rather be in that position than be contiously messed around :(.

So, I am fine on my own.. I dont have the drive or energy to take on a relationship.. may never again...( my choice)

 

So, take your time.. keep working on yourself.. and let things slow down as you get yourself back together again.. in a healthy manner, mentally & emotionally.

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Do you really think being in a relationship equals "being happy"? Is that what you think? Im going to tell you a secret. I bet that half of the friends you have that in a relationship are not happy being in a relationship and would gladly change positions with you.

There are lots of issues going on but you have believed and married the image that being with someone means you are happy. So a question would be... were you happy in your last relationship? Heck no you weren't. You were all over the place.. Remember that she dumped you a few times, she told you that she didn't see a future with you.. Remind me again if the X went back to the other guy? So if you were not happy in that relationship when why have you equated being a couple equals happiness?

Sometimes people want to be in a relationship because it is a beautiful distraction. Rather than focusing on your life you want to focus on someone else because its easy. Rather than working on your own issues you would rather be the person to help someone work on theirs. You want a distraction from your own esteem issues and personal problems. And then you add that you miss feeling 'needed'. So you have issues you are avoiding, you have esteem issues you refuse to work on, you make excuses on why you cant do things and you want someone to need you. Im going to tell you one of the secrets of attracting someone.

If you refuse to work hard to make you happy, then what incentive does a girl have to make you happy? If a woman sees that you are doing nothing for your happiness then what makes you think you are going to work hard to make her happy? A lot of women don't want to date a project. Who knows maybe you can find the ones that do want one, but for the most part, they wont want someone they have to constantly work on to make the guy they are dating happy.

Being in a relationship is adding or enhancing someone elses happiness. Its not to "make" them happy, its to add to it.

Now, I don't know if you are still hung up on your X, maybe you are still in a level of denial, I don't know, but what I do know is that you let your emotions guide your actions. You also use them as a crutch and you use them as an excuse. If you don't like something in your life, then if you can change it, then change it. No excuses. NO where does it say you cant move out unless you buy a house. So why don't you move out to your own place or live with roommates? No one said you have to be in love to buy a house and if you are waiting to buy a house with someone, its going to be years. You are going to scare the heck out of a woman if you mention on the first date that you want to buy a house with her in mind.

In a nut shell, you have to work on you first. As you see the course you are taking now by avoiding it has gotten you no where so do what is needed to make YOU happy. Once you learn how to make YOU happy, then you will know and be better prepared to make OTHERS happy.

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