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Thread: Been blocked for 2.5 years, but still can't move on or forget about them.

  1. #1
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    Been blocked for 2.5 years, but still can't move on or forget about them.

    This is pure torture. There's so much to this story that it might be hard to keep track with.
    I was friends with the pastor's daughter--and I stress friends--we never did anything that suggested otherwise---literally all we did is talk online and at church. Admittedly, looking back, it did seem a bit one-sided after a while. Perhaps I was annoying or something. We were friends for roughly 5 years...but one nuance here--she happens to be the daughter of a pastor. I never had any altercations with any church member. But after 5 years, in what felt out of the blue to me, she and he sister just started ignoring me, and her brother told me I was "barely tolerable." This would trigger a mental episode in me for the very first time in my life...I had hallucinations and depression, similar to schizo bipolar (I wasn't diagnosed, but my family has it); during this mental breakdown, I turned myself into the police--who called the pastor and then brought me to mental health. After I got out I saw that the girl in question had put me on "restricted" basically we were still listed as friends but I saw the message part was blocked. The assistant pastor had visited me in mental health and again when I got out and he told me I should talk to the pastor--I was not keen on this as I felt I was stepping over some bounds and really had no idea what to think--but the assistant pastor said the pastor was "more than willing" to meet with me. I had asked the assistant pastor what he thought about me returning, to which he responded by asking if I've thought about other churches---which whether or not he meant to made me feel like I was not wanted there. So I met with the pastor/father who said there was no animosity, and they care about me, and that he was working on boundaries with his daughter--he talked about something referring to Maslow's hierarchy or something, and said if someone doesn't want relationship, let them go, and embrace them when they come back. He also said I could come to church but not small groups--I asked him if I did anything wrong, and he said he didn't feel slighted and that I don't owe him an apology--but if that is the case, then I felt like the church limits were unjust and not healthy boundaries. This seemed to try to put false hope in me; when I got back home I found that the girl had completely blocked me now (I had not tried contacting her at all). I left the issue alone for months; I wound up accidentally viewing their instagrams since it happens when you scroll through...which would get me blocked by both daughters, and the mother, who is also a pastor. But here's the weird part---her sister and mother would still like posts on my facebook and even occasionally comment; despite still having me blocked elsewhere. After several months had passed, I learned I would be moving far far away--so with nothing to lose I figured why not see where everything's at. I e-mailed the pastor...along the lines of expressing how i felt and expressing my desire to remain friends, but if his family would like no contact, I would respect it. He responded with very vague terminology, saying I'm welcome to come, and wanted to give me the space I need to move forward, but then enthusiastically offered to meet for coffee, complete with exclamation points. After some time, I took him up on the offer--only to hear more of the same--and then more restrictions, now being told only to contact him to ask questions. It felt like a big middle finger. Other than the daughter originally in question, they would continue to interact with my facebook for 2 years, basically only liking posts when I actually had some happy moments---I almost felt like they just wanted my attention back after they realized how happy I made other people (no clue if thats true). Finally, I had to regain my sanity and I blocked them. But truth be told, I love them and miss them every day. But I feel so completely disrespected. During Covid, I would wind up watching an online stream, unaware they could see i was viewing...the church page said hello specifically to me with exclamation points, i didn't respond (for one, I didn't know if it was the pastor or assistant pastor who was typing, and secondly, I wouldn't even know what to say). I guess one frustrating thing is just not knowing the whys or the whos...like why did they want me gone, was the block wanted by the girl or by the parents...it's just all very confusing. I would never do anything to hurt them, and I poured so much of my energy into their church and the people there; adn this felt like the biggest stab in the back ever.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Can you break this into a few paragraphs please?

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    tried, looks like the time limit expired so it won't let me make changes; sorry.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes the edit window is 30 min. so what you can do...if you wish to respond...is hit 'reply with quote' and break it up yourself.
    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Can you break this into a few paragraphs please?
    Originally Posted by drivenfuture
    tried, looks like the time limit expired so it won't let me make changes; sorry.

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  6. #5
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    Here is the message spaced out (hopefully; I'm not good with these things).


    Originally Posted by drivenfuture
    This is pure torture. There's so much to this story that it might be hard to keep track with.
    I was friends with the pastor's daughter--and I stress friends--we never did anything that suggested otherwise---literally all we did is talk online and at church. Admittedly, looking back, it did seem a bit one-sided after a while. Perhaps I was annoying or something. We were friends for roughly 5 years...but one nuance here--she happens to be the daughter of a pastor. I never had any altercations with any church member. But after 5 years, in what felt out of the blue to me, she and he sister just started ignoring me, and her brother told me I was "barely tolerable." This would trigger a mental episode in me for the very first time in my life...I had hallucinations and depression, similar to schizo bipolar (I wasn't diagnosed, but my family has it); during this mental breakdown, I turned myself into the police--who called the pastor and then brought me to mental health.


    After I got out I saw that the girl in question had put me on "restricted" basically we were still listed as friends but I saw the message part was blocked. The assistant pastor had visited me in mental health and again when I got out and he told me I should talk to the pastor--I was not keen on this as I felt I was stepping over some bounds and really had no idea what to think--but the assistant pastor said the pastor was "more than willing" to meet with me. I had asked the assistant pastor what he thought about me returning, to which he responded by asking if I've thought about other churches---which whether or not he meant to made me feel like I was not wanted there. So I met with the pastor/father who said there was no animosity, and they care about me, and that he was working on boundaries with his daughter--he talked about something referring to Maslow's hierarchy or something, and said if someone doesn't want relationship, let them go, and embrace them when they come back. He also said I could come to church but not small groups--I asked him if I did anything wrong, and he said he didn't feel slighted and that I don't owe him an apology--but if that is the case, then I felt like the church limits were unjust and not healthy boundaries. This seemed to try to put false hope in me; when I got back home I found that the girl had completely blocked me now (I had not tried contacting her at all).


    I left the issue alone for months; I wound up accidentally viewing their instagrams since it happens when you scroll through...which would get me blocked by both daughters, and the mother, who is also a pastor. But here's the weird part---her sister and mother would still like posts on my facebook and even occasionally comment; despite still having me blocked elsewhere. After several months had passed, I learned I would be moving far far away--so with nothing to lose I figured why not see where everything's at. I e-mailed the pastor...along the lines of expressing how i felt and expressing my desire to remain friends, but if his family would like no contact, I would respect it. He responded with very vague terminology, saying I'm welcome to come, and wanted to give me the space I need to move forward, but then enthusiastically offered to meet for coffee, complete with exclamation points. After some time, I took him up on the offer--only to hear more of the same--and then more restrictions, now being told only to contact him to ask questions. It felt like a big middle finger.



    Other than the daughter originally in question, they would continue to interact with my facebook for 2 years, basically only liking posts when I actually had some happy moments---I almost felt like they just wanted my attention back after they realized how happy I made other people (no clue if thats true). Finally, I had to regain my sanity and I blocked them. But truth be told, I love them and miss them every day. But I feel so completely disrespected. During Covid, I would wind up watching an online stream, unaware they could see i was viewing...the church page said hello specifically to me with exclamation points, i didn't respond (for one, I didn't know if it was the pastor or assistant pastor who was typing, and secondly, I wouldn't even know what to say). I guess one frustrating thing is just not knowing the whys or the whos...like why did they want me gone, was the block wanted by the girl or by the parents...it's just all very confusing. I would never do anything to hurt them, and I poured so much of my energy into their church and the people there; and this felt like the biggest stab in the back ever.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like a very kooky church and a VERY dysfunctional family. The father is trying to enforce boundaries and his wife and daughter are on another planet. I'm sorry. Please block and delete these individuals. They're an embarrassment to whatever faith they represent.

    I'm very, very sorry that you've lost what you consider to be your spiritual community. I agree with the pastor about finding a new church. This is no good at all.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good you got the medical care you need. hopefully t you are following up with your doctors and therapists. What you mention can run in families. it's good you are distancing yourself from this family, this girl this pastor and this church. Start a fresh new life wherever you are now.
    Originally Posted by drivenfuture
    This would trigger a mental episode in me for the very first time in my life...

    I had hallucinations and depression, similar to schizo bipolar (I wasn't diagnosed, but my family has it); during this mental breakdown, I turned myself into the police--who called the pastor and then brought me to mental health.

    I learned I would be moving far far away- Finally, I had to regain my sanity and I blocked them.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I think you're way too fixated on the pastor and his family. In your mind, you need to really back off and stop allowing them to preoccupy your every thought day and night. Stop obsessing over them because they're not worth it.

    If you're moving faraway, find another church.

    Be careful with friends and relationships including at church. Tread lightly and don't be overbearing in person and with online correspondence, social media and the like. People don't like it when you get too involved with them and don't take the initiative to establish your own boundaries with them. Exercise discretion. Be kind but don't get too chummy nor close because too much familiarity breeds contempt. Also, don't become high maintenance otherwise you'll be perceived as high drama, creepy and mentally unstable which scares people away. If you want to be perceived as calm, stable and normal, then act like it.

    I've learned that whenever I'm disrespected, I let people go even if it means we exit each other's lives. It wasn't meant to be. Either people are compatible or they're not. Either people are interested in you and cultivate, nurture and maintain relationships with you or they don't wish to put forth the effort to continue contact with you.

    Don't psychoanalyze anything to death otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy! Let it go. Learn to forgive. Forgive doesn't mean condone nor forget. Forgive means to move on, don't hold grudges and start anew in your own life. Stop living in the past. Keep moving forward.

    Also, change your ways. Be more discreet and don't get too involved with people otherwise they'll think you're weird and will cut you off.

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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I think you're way too fixated on the pastor and his family. In your mind, you need to really back off and stop allowing them to preoccupy your every thought day and night. Stop obsessing over them because they're not worth it.

    If you're moving faraway, find another church.

    Be careful with friends and relationships including at church. Tread lightly and don't be overbearing in person and with online correspondence, social media and the like. People don't like it when you get too involved with them and don't take the initiative to establish your own boundaries with them. Exercise discretion. Be kind but don't get too chummy nor close because too much familiarity breeds contempt. Also, don't become high maintenance otherwise you'll be perceived as high drama, creepy and mentally unstable which scares people away. If you want to be perceived as calm, stable and normal, then act like it.

    I've learned that whenever I'm disrespected, I let people go even if it means we exit each other's lives. It wasn't meant to be. Either people are compatible or they're not. Either people are interested in you and cultivate, nurture and maintain relationships with you or they don't wish to put forth the effort to continue contact with you.

    Don't psychoanalyze anything to death otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy! Let it go. Learn to forgive. Forgive doesn't mean condone nor forget. Forgive means to move on, don't hold grudges and start anew in your own life. Stop living in the past. Keep moving forward.

    Also, change your ways. Be more discreet and don't get too involved with people otherwise they'll think you're weird and will cut you off.
    to be clear here...this whole post was based on the idea that I've let them go, I haven't contacted them in 2 years, and I've even blocked them on social media. But despite all this, I can't stop thinking about them.
    Even so, my main quandry here had more to do with the fact that this pastor spent years preaching valuing relationships and loving those you don't like and never severing relationships, even putting me in leadership to teach those same things; only for him to break my trust with his teachings of loyalty.
    Your response seems to be a typical non-Christian answer; but in the Bible you can't actually separate forgiveness and reconciliation. God doesn't reconcile with those He doesn't forgive; and one must ask forgiveness before they can be reconciled to God.
    Still, though that may be my belief and not agree with whatever they're throwing at me; I nonetheless (mostly) respected their wishes.
    But in this situation particularly; what drove me crazy was their crazy mixed signals of being excited to see me and then two seconds later shunning me, and then two seconds later engaging me with excitement; and then 2 seconds later shunning--THAT, is maddening.
    And--more than anything, I have lost faith in the church---it has been nothing short of a hate-field every single day I've attended, being betrayed left and right; perhaps this story was just the straw that broke the camel's back; but I'm so sick of loving everyone only to be stabbed in the back so many times.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by drivenfuture
    to be clear here...this whole post was based on the idea that I've let them go, I haven't contacted them in 2 years, and I've even blocked them on social media. But despite all this, I can't stop thinking about them.
    Even so, my main quandry here had more to do with the fact that this pastor spent years preaching valuing relationships and loving those you don't like and never severing relationships, even putting me in leadership to teach those same things; only for him to break my trust with his teachings of loyalty.
    Your response seems to be a typical non-Christian answer; but in the Bible you can't actually separate forgiveness and reconciliation. God doesn't reconcile with those He doesn't forgive; and one must ask forgiveness before they can be reconciled to God.
    Still, though that may be my belief and not agree with whatever they're throwing at me; I nonetheless (mostly) respected their wishes.
    But in this situation particularly; what drove me crazy was their crazy mixed signals of being excited to see me and then two seconds later shunning me, and then two seconds later engaging me with excitement; and then 2 seconds later shunning--THAT, is maddening.
    And--more than anything, I have lost faith in the church---it has been nothing short of a hate-field every single day I've attended, being betrayed left and right; perhaps this story was just the straw that broke the camel's back; but I'm so sick of loving everyone only to be stabbed in the back so many times.
    You should stop thinking about them because they're certainly not thinking about you nor putting forth the same energy and attention you are giving them. Love and respect works both ways and should be mutual in order to have a sound rapport.

    I've been to church and heard plenty of sermons from several pastors. Of course, valued, loving relationships were preached. However, He Himself enforced healthy boundaries with people as should you.

    You also have to treat people as individuals despite what was preached, your small groups and the like, all of which I'm very well aware of.

    Don't read into mixed signals otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy. Consider it a friendship that didn't work out and let it go. Why drive yourself nuts over this? They're not worth it and they're certainly not considering you to be that worth it either, with all due respect. Some people are simply not interested in long term friendships, period. You need to respect other people's wishes even if their behavior is a mystery to you.

    Try not to lose your faith just because you had some bad experiences with people. Not everyone will disappoint you. If some people in your life don't work out no matter their status, there are plenty of other people who are more compatible to you. Don't allow your negative experience with them to dictate how you feel today. I hope your bitterness and resentment will fade away.

    I've been deceived, betrayed, snitched, lied to and beaten down more times than you can count. However, I don't allow those past ghosts to continue to haunt me to this day. Learn from it even though you might feel some people are hypocrites. There are a lot of nice people in this world so choose them. Also, alter your behavior, exercise discretion and not everyone is into relentless correspondence via text, emails, social media or in person socializing. Give people a lot of time and space because this is what helps create enduring friendships. Being in your face with others causes boredom and burnout so beware.

    To be clear here, I'm a Christian btw and FYI.

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