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Been blocked for 2.5 years, but still can't move on or forget about them.


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This is pure torture. There's so much to this story that it might be hard to keep track with.

I was friends with the pastor's daughter--and I stress friends--we never did anything that suggested otherwise---literally all we did is talk online and at church. Admittedly, looking back, it did seem a bit one-sided after a while. Perhaps I was annoying or something. We were friends for roughly 5 years...but one nuance here--she happens to be the daughter of a pastor. I never had any altercations with any church member. But after 5 years, in what felt out of the blue to me, she and he sister just started ignoring me, and her brother told me I was "barely tolerable." This would trigger a mental episode in me for the very first time in my life...I had hallucinations and depression, similar to schizo bipolar (I wasn't diagnosed, but my family has it); during this mental breakdown, I turned myself into the police--who called the pastor and then brought me to mental health. After I got out I saw that the girl in question had put me on "restricted" basically we were still listed as friends but I saw the message part was blocked. The assistant pastor had visited me in mental health and again when I got out and he told me I should talk to the pastor--I was not keen on this as I felt I was stepping over some bounds and really had no idea what to think--but the assistant pastor said the pastor was "more than willing" to meet with me. I had asked the assistant pastor what he thought about me returning, to which he responded by asking if I've thought about other churches---which whether or not he meant to made me feel like I was not wanted there. So I met with the pastor/father who said there was no animosity, and they care about me, and that he was working on boundaries with his daughter--he talked about something referring to Maslow's hierarchy or something, and said if someone doesn't want relationship, let them go, and embrace them when they come back. He also said I could come to church but not small groups--I asked him if I did anything wrong, and he said he didn't feel slighted and that I don't owe him an apology--but if that is the case, then I felt like the church limits were unjust and not healthy boundaries. This seemed to try to put false hope in me; when I got back home I found that the girl had completely blocked me now (I had not tried contacting her at all). I left the issue alone for months; I wound up accidentally viewing their instagrams since it happens when you scroll through...which would get me blocked by both daughters, and the mother, who is also a pastor. But here's the weird part---her sister and mother would still like posts on my facebook and even occasionally comment; despite still having me blocked elsewhere. After several months had passed, I learned I would be moving far far away--so with nothing to lose I figured why not see where everything's at. I e-mailed the pastor...along the lines of expressing how i felt and expressing my desire to remain friends, but if his family would like no contact, I would respect it. He responded with very vague terminology, saying I'm welcome to come, and wanted to give me the space I need to move forward, but then enthusiastically offered to meet for coffee, complete with exclamation points. After some time, I took him up on the offer--only to hear more of the same--and then more restrictions, now being told only to contact him to ask questions. It felt like a big middle finger. Other than the daughter originally in question, they would continue to interact with my facebook for 2 years, basically only liking posts when I actually had some happy moments---I almost felt like they just wanted my attention back after they realized how happy I made other people (no clue if thats true). Finally, I had to regain my sanity and I blocked them. But truth be told, I love them and miss them every day. But I feel so completely disrespected. During Covid, I would wind up watching an online stream, unaware they could see i was viewing...the church page said hello specifically to me with exclamation points, i didn't respond (for one, I didn't know if it was the pastor or assistant pastor who was typing, and secondly, I wouldn't even know what to say). I guess one frustrating thing is just not knowing the whys or the whos...like why did they want me gone, was the block wanted by the girl or by the parents...it's just all very confusing. I would never do anything to hurt them, and I poured so much of my energy into their church and the people there; adn this felt like the biggest stab in the back ever.

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Yes the edit window is 30 min. so what you can do...if you wish to respond...is hit 'reply with quote' and break it up yourself.

Can you break this into a few paragraphs please?
tried, looks like the time limit expired so it won't let me make changes; sorry.
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Here is the message spaced out (hopefully; I'm not good with these things).

 

 

This is pure torture. There's so much to this story that it might be hard to keep track with.

I was friends with the pastor's daughter--and I stress friends--we never did anything that suggested otherwise---literally all we did is talk online and at church. Admittedly, looking back, it did seem a bit one-sided after a while. Perhaps I was annoying or something. We were friends for roughly 5 years...but one nuance here--she happens to be the daughter of a pastor. I never had any altercations with any church member. But after 5 years, in what felt out of the blue to me, she and he sister just started ignoring me, and her brother told me I was "barely tolerable." This would trigger a mental episode in me for the very first time in my life...I had hallucinations and depression, similar to schizo bipolar (I wasn't diagnosed, but my family has it); during this mental breakdown, I turned myself into the police--who called the pastor and then brought me to mental health.

 

 

After I got out I saw that the girl in question had put me on "restricted" basically we were still listed as friends but I saw the message part was blocked. The assistant pastor had visited me in mental health and again when I got out and he told me I should talk to the pastor--I was not keen on this as I felt I was stepping over some bounds and really had no idea what to think--but the assistant pastor said the pastor was "more than willing" to meet with me. I had asked the assistant pastor what he thought about me returning, to which he responded by asking if I've thought about other churches---which whether or not he meant to made me feel like I was not wanted there. So I met with the pastor/father who said there was no animosity, and they care about me, and that he was working on boundaries with his daughter--he talked about something referring to Maslow's hierarchy or something, and said if someone doesn't want relationship, let them go, and embrace them when they come back. He also said I could come to church but not small groups--I asked him if I did anything wrong, and he said he didn't feel slighted and that I don't owe him an apology--but if that is the case, then I felt like the church limits were unjust and not healthy boundaries. This seemed to try to put false hope in me; when I got back home I found that the girl had completely blocked me now (I had not tried contacting her at all).

 

 

I left the issue alone for months; I wound up accidentally viewing their instagrams since it happens when you scroll through...which would get me blocked by both daughters, and the mother, who is also a pastor. But here's the weird part---her sister and mother would still like posts on my facebook and even occasionally comment; despite still having me blocked elsewhere. After several months had passed, I learned I would be moving far far away--so with nothing to lose I figured why not see where everything's at. I e-mailed the pastor...along the lines of expressing how i felt and expressing my desire to remain friends, but if his family would like no contact, I would respect it. He responded with very vague terminology, saying I'm welcome to come, and wanted to give me the space I need to move forward, but then enthusiastically offered to meet for coffee, complete with exclamation points. After some time, I took him up on the offer--only to hear more of the same--and then more restrictions, now being told only to contact him to ask questions. It felt like a big middle finger.

 

 

 

Other than the daughter originally in question, they would continue to interact with my facebook for 2 years, basically only liking posts when I actually had some happy moments---I almost felt like they just wanted my attention back after they realized how happy I made other people (no clue if thats true). Finally, I had to regain my sanity and I blocked them. But truth be told, I love them and miss them every day. But I feel so completely disrespected. During Covid, I would wind up watching an online stream, unaware they could see i was viewing...the church page said hello specifically to me with exclamation points, i didn't respond (for one, I didn't know if it was the pastor or assistant pastor who was typing, and secondly, I wouldn't even know what to say). I guess one frustrating thing is just not knowing the whys or the whos...like why did they want me gone, was the block wanted by the girl or by the parents...it's just all very confusing. I would never do anything to hurt them, and I poured so much of my energy into their church and the people there; and this felt like the biggest stab in the back ever.

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It sounds like a very kooky church and a VERY dysfunctional family. The father is trying to enforce boundaries and his wife and daughter are on another planet. I'm sorry. Please block and delete these individuals. They're an embarrassment to whatever faith they represent.

 

I'm very, very sorry that you've lost what you consider to be your spiritual community. I agree with the pastor about finding a new church. This is no good at all.

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Good you got the medical care you need. hopefully t you are following up with your doctors and therapists. What you mention can run in families. it's good you are distancing yourself from this family, this girl this pastor and this church. Start a fresh new life wherever you are now.

This would trigger a mental episode in me for the very first time in my life...

 

I had hallucinations and depression, similar to schizo bipolar (I wasn't diagnosed, but my family has it); during this mental breakdown, I turned myself into the police--who called the pastor and then brought me to mental health.

 

I learned I would be moving far far away- Finally, I had to regain my sanity and I blocked them.

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I think you're way too fixated on the pastor and his family. In your mind, you need to really back off and stop allowing them to preoccupy your every thought day and night. Stop obsessing over them because they're not worth it.

 

If you're moving faraway, find another church.

 

Be careful with friends and relationships including at church. Tread lightly and don't be overbearing in person and with online correspondence, social media and the like. People don't like it when you get too involved with them and don't take the initiative to establish your own boundaries with them. Exercise discretion. Be kind but don't get too chummy nor close because too much familiarity breeds contempt. Also, don't become high maintenance otherwise you'll be perceived as high drama, creepy and mentally unstable which scares people away. :eek: If you want to be perceived as calm, stable and normal, then act like it.

 

I've learned that whenever I'm disrespected, I let people go even if it means we exit each other's lives. It wasn't meant to be. Either people are compatible or they're not. Either people are interested in you and cultivate, nurture and maintain relationships with you or they don't wish to put forth the effort to continue contact with you.

 

Don't psychoanalyze anything to death otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy! Let it go. Learn to forgive. Forgive doesn't mean condone nor forget. Forgive means to move on, don't hold grudges and start anew in your own life. Stop living in the past. Keep moving forward.

 

Also, change your ways. Be more discreet and don't get too involved with people otherwise they'll think you're weird and will cut you off.

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I think you're way too fixated on the pastor and his family. In your mind, you need to really back off and stop allowing them to preoccupy your every thought day and night. Stop obsessing over them because they're not worth it.

 

If you're moving faraway, find another church.

 

Be careful with friends and relationships including at church. Tread lightly and don't be overbearing in person and with online correspondence, social media and the like. People don't like it when you get too involved with them and don't take the initiative to establish your own boundaries with them. Exercise discretion. Be kind but don't get too chummy nor close because too much familiarity breeds contempt. Also, don't become high maintenance otherwise you'll be perceived as high drama, creepy and mentally unstable which scares people away. :eek: If you want to be perceived as calm, stable and normal, then act like it.

 

I've learned that whenever I'm disrespected, I let people go even if it means we exit each other's lives. It wasn't meant to be. Either people are compatible or they're not. Either people are interested in you and cultivate, nurture and maintain relationships with you or they don't wish to put forth the effort to continue contact with you.

 

Don't psychoanalyze anything to death otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy! Let it go. Learn to forgive. Forgive doesn't mean condone nor forget. Forgive means to move on, don't hold grudges and start anew in your own life. Stop living in the past. Keep moving forward.

 

Also, change your ways. Be more discreet and don't get too involved with people otherwise they'll think you're weird and will cut you off.

 

to be clear here...this whole post was based on the idea that I've let them go, I haven't contacted them in 2 years, and I've even blocked them on social media. But despite all this, I can't stop thinking about them.

Even so, my main quandry here had more to do with the fact that this pastor spent years preaching valuing relationships and loving those you don't like and never severing relationships, even putting me in leadership to teach those same things; only for him to break my trust with his teachings of loyalty.

Your response seems to be a typical non-Christian answer; but in the Bible you can't actually separate forgiveness and reconciliation. God doesn't reconcile with those He doesn't forgive; and one must ask forgiveness before they can be reconciled to God.

Still, though that may be my belief and not agree with whatever they're throwing at me; I nonetheless (mostly) respected their wishes.

But in this situation particularly; what drove me crazy was their crazy mixed signals of being excited to see me and then two seconds later shunning me, and then two seconds later engaging me with excitement; and then 2 seconds later shunning--THAT, is maddening.

And--more than anything, I have lost faith in the church---it has been nothing short of a hate-field every single day I've attended, being betrayed left and right; perhaps this story was just the straw that broke the camel's back; but I'm so sick of loving everyone only to be stabbed in the back so many times.

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to be clear here...this whole post was based on the idea that I've let them go, I haven't contacted them in 2 years, and I've even blocked them on social media. But despite all this, I can't stop thinking about them.

Even so, my main quandry here had more to do with the fact that this pastor spent years preaching valuing relationships and loving those you don't like and never severing relationships, even putting me in leadership to teach those same things; only for him to break my trust with his teachings of loyalty.

Your response seems to be a typical non-Christian answer; but in the Bible you can't actually separate forgiveness and reconciliation. God doesn't reconcile with those He doesn't forgive; and one must ask forgiveness before they can be reconciled to God.

Still, though that may be my belief and not agree with whatever they're throwing at me; I nonetheless (mostly) respected their wishes.

But in this situation particularly; what drove me crazy was their crazy mixed signals of being excited to see me and then two seconds later shunning me, and then two seconds later engaging me with excitement; and then 2 seconds later shunning--THAT, is maddening.

And--more than anything, I have lost faith in the church---it has been nothing short of a hate-field every single day I've attended, being betrayed left and right; perhaps this story was just the straw that broke the camel's back; but I'm so sick of loving everyone only to be stabbed in the back so many times.

 

You should stop thinking about them because they're certainly not thinking about you nor putting forth the same energy and attention you are giving them. Love and respect works both ways and should be mutual in order to have a sound rapport.

 

I've been to church and heard plenty of sermons from several pastors. Of course, valued, loving relationships were preached. However, He Himself enforced healthy boundaries with people as should you.

 

You also have to treat people as individuals despite what was preached, your small groups and the like, all of which I'm very well aware of.

 

Don't read into mixed signals otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy. Consider it a friendship that didn't work out and let it go. Why drive yourself nuts over this? They're not worth it and they're certainly not considering you to be that worth it either, with all due respect. Some people are simply not interested in long term friendships, period. You need to respect other people's wishes even if their behavior is a mystery to you.

 

Try not to lose your faith just because you had some bad experiences with people. Not everyone will disappoint you. If some people in your life don't work out no matter their status, there are plenty of other people who are more compatible to you. Don't allow your negative experience with them to dictate how you feel today. I hope your bitterness and resentment will fade away.

 

I've been deceived, betrayed, snitched, lied to and beaten down more times than you can count. However, I don't allow those past ghosts to continue to haunt me to this day. Learn from it even though you might feel some people are hypocrites. There are a lot of nice people in this world so choose them. Also, alter your behavior, exercise discretion and not everyone is into relentless correspondence via text, emails, social media or in person socializing. Give people a lot of time and space because this is what helps create enduring friendships. Being in your face with others causes boredom and burnout so beware.

 

To be clear here, I'm a Christian btw and FYI.

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I'm not religious and never went to church, so I don't know much about these things. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I must say I was confused reading your post what was going on there. First of all, are you under legal age? Or were at the time you had your mental health episode? Second, do you have family? I just don’t understand why police and mental health staff contacted the church pastor when you were in the mental health service? Did you actually ask them to? Even if you were under age, they should have contacted your actual family, your parents or whoever is your next of kin. Contacting the pastor (unless you asked) is a breach of your privacy and confidentiality. It's extremely unprofessional on the part of police and mental health support staff. I work as a disability and mental health worker. Everything that happens to my clients is completely confidential. If anything happened to them I would contact only their next of kin and appropriate authorities (e.g. ambulance). I would NEVER contact some person who is not listed as their next of kin contact.

 

In my opinion it wasn't really any of the pastor's or the church's business what is going on with your mental health. If you chose to speak to the pastor about it yourself, his reactions were anything but good, kind Christian. He basically judged you for having a mental illness and wanted to kick you out of the church. That is not how a church leader behaves. He is meant to be a kind, trustworthy mentor, especially to younger people. If he looks down on people, especially people in his church for mental health, what does it say about him as a person? Nothing good, that's what.

 

Although if there is something you're not telling us or haven't realised yourself (e.g. that you were too overbearing). To be honest it doesn't really sound like this girl who was your friend was that into you or cared about you. This is not how real friends act, they don't just abandon someone after five years because they were struggling with their mental health. All my best friends actually have mental health conditions and so did my ex-fiance. Some of these friends I've known for 16 years. If someone has a problem with your mental health, obviously they are not a true friend. Good riddance to them.

 

Keeping in mind though that maybe this girl just didn't feel the same connection that you felt and maybe didn't really want to be friends. Maybe you didn't get the hint and kept pursuing it, so it got to the point where this family doesn't really want you there. But you know, unless you did something actually wrong, they have no right to kick you out of the church either. Unless they actually own the whole church.

 

They sound like very immature people, even the mother. They restricted you on social media but they kept liking and commenting on your posts? What kind of mixed messages is that? This pastor is very unprofessional and lets his own personal opinions to get in the way of actually being a good pastor, good Christian and actually doing his job properly.

 

These people really don't sound worth it at all. I recommend you do your best to forget about them for good. And find a different church to go to. Also I know this advice doesn't sound fair, because yes you should be able to talk about your mental health. But maybe just be very selective about who you talk to. As you can see, not everyone is nice or understanding about it. And it's also not people's business anyway. The mental illness isn't all of you and who you are. Let people know you as a person and maybe only tell people you really trust about your mental health.

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to be clear here...this whole post was based on the idea that I've let them go, I haven't contacted them in 2 years, and I've even blocked them on social media. But despite all this, I can't stop thinking about them.

Even so, my main quandry here had more to do with the fact that this pastor spent years preaching valuing relationships and loving those you don't like and never severing relationships, even putting me in leadership to teach those same things; only for him to break my trust with his teachings of loyalty.

Your response seems to be a typical non-Christian answer; but in the Bible you can't actually separate forgiveness and reconciliation. God doesn't reconcile with those He doesn't forgive; and one must ask forgiveness before they can be reconciled to God.

Still, though that may be my belief and not agree with whatever they're throwing at me; I nonetheless (mostly) respected their wishes.

But in this situation particularly; what drove me crazy was their crazy mixed signals of being excited to see me and then two seconds later shunning me, and then two seconds later engaging me with excitement; and then 2 seconds later shunning--THAT, is maddening.

And--more than anything, I have lost faith in the church---it has been nothing short of a hate-field every single day I've attended, being betrayed left and right; perhaps this story was just the straw that broke the camel's back; but I'm so sick of loving everyone only to be stabbed in the back so many times.

 

However keep in mind that just because someone is preaching a certain faith and things like "love thy neighbour", doesn't actually mean they are obliged to be friends with you. Friendship is actually a choice and we should be friends with who we genuinely want. If we pressure ourselves to be friends out of obligation or pity, that's not right either.

 

It's very obvious that this pastor and his children don't actually want to be friends with you on a personal level. I know it hurts but they don't actually have to. Maybe you just weren't getting the hint that they're not interested. I mean you had signs of that, even from comments where the brother said that you are "barely tolerable". That was actually your cue to leave them alone and stop trying to be friends. At that point you should have stopped commenting on their social media and otherwise engaging with them. If you didn't stop then that was probably seen by the family as you being pushy and creepy. Again, I don't actually know the situation.

 

However what I think the pastor has no right to do is to pressure you to leave the church and get involved in your mental health stuff. You should have still been allowed to go to your church unless you did something actually wrong. Obviously the pastor's kids were not that fond of you, so he wanted you to move on. That is pushing his own personal agenda and not being true to his role in the church. People should be allowed to go there, whether he and his family personally like them or not. However you also need to respect that if people don't want to be friends, no actually means "no" and you need to back off.

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Honestly, if you had hallucinations and were in the hospital due to mental illness, there could be more to the story. The pastor may not feel like you are a safe person - he does not want you in the small groups at people's homes, only in the larger group at church perhaps to protect their safety until he finds out through time you are a safe person. I mean - people have gone to prayer groups and killed everyone. it will take time for him to see that you are "safe"

 

Could it be possible when you said it was "one sided" with the pastor's daughter that it was pretty one sided - you made her feel uncomfortable or bordered on obsession and restricting you on social media she did to protect herself?

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However keep in mind that just because someone is preaching a certain faith and things like "love thy neighbour", doesn't actually mean they are obliged to be friends with you. Friendship is actually a choice and we should be friends with who we genuinely want. If we pressure ourselves to be friends out of obligation or pity, that's not right either.

 

It's very obvious that this pastor and his children don't actually want to be friends with you on a personal level. I know it hurts but they don't actually have to. Maybe you just weren't getting the hint that they're not interested. I mean you had signs of that, even from comments where the brother said that you are "barely tolerable". That was actually your cue to leave them alone and stop trying to be friends. At that point you should have stopped commenting on their social media and otherwise engaging with them. If you didn't stop then that was probably seen by the family as you being pushy and creepy. Again, I don't actually know the situation.

 

However what I think the pastor has no right to do is to pressure you to leave the church and get involved in your mental health stuff. You should have still been allowed to go to your church unless you did something actually wrong. Obviously the pastor's kids were not that fond of you, so he wanted you to move on. That is pushing his own personal agenda and not being true to his role in the church. People should be allowed to go there, whether he and his family personally like them or not. However you also need to respect that if people don't want to be friends, no actually means "no" and you need to back off.

 

 

I think there were a few things missed from a few of the posts reading through--so this is meant to be a clarification for a few of the last posts.

I do believe that I may have been "overbearing" in the sense of being annoying; though at the time it was happening I was not aware.

Although the pastor's children and I were very close in age, I was slightly older and leading the youth group (the youth pastor convinced me to be a helper and then shortly after I joined, he quit). So, I knew the pastor's children from 15-18, 16-19, and 18-21 where I was 20-23. The cutoff came before I ever displayed any mental illness; the paranoia had to do with 2 things--because I knew them as minors, I came across an article about emotional abuse with minors and how it could be illegal, and convinced myself that was the issue; so when I went to the police I said I might have done something illegal but wasn't sure (I don't think that now, but at the time I was obsessed with trying to figure out what I did wrong)--that is when they contacted the pastor. The hospital said they actually were required to share my mental health information with the family due to them being minors when we were in contact.

I don't believe any hints were dropped--the barely tolerable comment wasn't a "hint"--that was the breakup, at least how I saw it--they just went from one day friends to next day complete cutoff and insult--I, for the most part, ceased contact at that point. The only exceptions were at the advice of the assistant pastor, and several months later when I learned I was moving and figured there was nothing to lose, contacting only the pastor in both cases---whom met me with more and more mixed signals.

The mental episode was my one and only episode (well technically, I would become depressed for the next few months, but all in all this episode was my only episode ever).

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Unfortunately, many people with untreated mood disorders go for years being depressed and have manic psychotic episodes.

 

Thanks for the info--as such in my case I did g treatment--and the episode was my only one. I was taken off meds several months later. I do feel more confident that I will be aware whats happening next time.

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It sounds to me a bit like you've grown up very very sheltered and this is your first adult tango with the lesser sides of humanity and it's a hard lesson to digest.

 

When anyone rejects you, asking why why why can be pointless and trying to blame yourself can be self harming.....

 

Honestly, you need to learn to let it go and accept that sometimes there is no good rational reason. When people reject you, it's usually not about you or anything you've done, it's more about them. If you are lucky, maybe they'll explain why, but for the most part, most people either can't quite put it into rational words themselves or simply don't want to have that conversation at all because they don't think their thoughts are a reflection of you. So hearing why will not benefit you, but rather cause unnecessary harm.

 

It's a bit like if I decide I no longer want to be friends with you because I'm passionate about chocolate ice cream and you love vanilla. Your love for vanilla doesn't make you flawed nor something you should change about yourself in order to hang on to a friendship. What you should do is seek others who love vanilla or who don't care so much about that difference in general.

 

It might be helpful for you to find and develop a relationship with a good therapist and use them as a sounding board for yourself, a sort of check on what's going on and how to interpret things instead of reading some article and getting obsessed to the point of going to the police and having a break down. You might benefit greatly from having someone who can give you a balanced view, help you process life and relationships better, and otherwise provide a reality check. Someone who is trained in how to. A bit like having a coach handy to walk you through some challenges before they become a major problem.

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