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Thread: Been blocked for 2.5 years, but still can't move on or forget about them.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Step away from damaging cults. Follow up with your health care.

  2. #12
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    I'm not religious and never went to church, so I don't know much about these things. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? I must say I was confused reading your post what was going on there. First of all, are you under legal age? Or were at the time you had your mental health episode? Second, do you have family? I just donít understand why police and mental health staff contacted the church pastor when you were in the mental health service? Did you actually ask them to? Even if you were under age, they should have contacted your actual family, your parents or whoever is your next of kin. Contacting the pastor (unless you asked) is a breach of your privacy and confidentiality. It's extremely unprofessional on the part of police and mental health support staff. I work as a disability and mental health worker. Everything that happens to my clients is completely confidential. If anything happened to them I would contact only their next of kin and appropriate authorities (e.g. ambulance). I would NEVER contact some person who is not listed as their next of kin contact.

    In my opinion it wasn't really any of the pastor's or the church's business what is going on with your mental health. If you chose to speak to the pastor about it yourself, his reactions were anything but good, kind Christian. He basically judged you for having a mental illness and wanted to kick you out of the church. That is not how a church leader behaves. He is meant to be a kind, trustworthy mentor, especially to younger people. If he looks down on people, especially people in his church for mental health, what does it say about him as a person? Nothing good, that's what.

    Although if there is something you're not telling us or haven't realised yourself (e.g. that you were too overbearing). To be honest it doesn't really sound like this girl who was your friend was that into you or cared about you. This is not how real friends act, they don't just abandon someone after five years because they were struggling with their mental health. All my best friends actually have mental health conditions and so did my ex-fiance. Some of these friends I've known for 16 years. If someone has a problem with your mental health, obviously they are not a true friend. Good riddance to them.

    Keeping in mind though that maybe this girl just didn't feel the same connection that you felt and maybe didn't really want to be friends. Maybe you didn't get the hint and kept pursuing it, so it got to the point where this family doesn't really want you there. But you know, unless you did something actually wrong, they have no right to kick you out of the church either. Unless they actually own the whole church.

    They sound like very immature people, even the mother. They restricted you on social media but they kept liking and commenting on your posts? What kind of mixed messages is that? This pastor is very unprofessional and lets his own personal opinions to get in the way of actually being a good pastor, good Christian and actually doing his job properly.

    These people really don't sound worth it at all. I recommend you do your best to forget about them for good. And find a different church to go to. Also I know this advice doesn't sound fair, because yes you should be able to talk about your mental health. But maybe just be very selective about who you talk to. As you can see, not everyone is nice or understanding about it. And it's also not people's business anyway. The mental illness isn't all of you and who you are. Let people know you as a person and maybe only tell people you really trust about your mental health.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by drivenfuture
    to be clear here...this whole post was based on the idea that I've let them go, I haven't contacted them in 2 years, and I've even blocked them on social media. But despite all this, I can't stop thinking about them.
    Even so, my main quandry here had more to do with the fact that this pastor spent years preaching valuing relationships and loving those you don't like and never severing relationships, even putting me in leadership to teach those same things; only for him to break my trust with his teachings of loyalty.
    Your response seems to be a typical non-Christian answer; but in the Bible you can't actually separate forgiveness and reconciliation. God doesn't reconcile with those He doesn't forgive; and one must ask forgiveness before they can be reconciled to God.
    Still, though that may be my belief and not agree with whatever they're throwing at me; I nonetheless (mostly) respected their wishes.
    But in this situation particularly; what drove me crazy was their crazy mixed signals of being excited to see me and then two seconds later shunning me, and then two seconds later engaging me with excitement; and then 2 seconds later shunning--THAT, is maddening.
    And--more than anything, I have lost faith in the church---it has been nothing short of a hate-field every single day I've attended, being betrayed left and right; perhaps this story was just the straw that broke the camel's back; but I'm so sick of loving everyone only to be stabbed in the back so many times.
    However keep in mind that just because someone is preaching a certain faith and things like "love thy neighbour", doesn't actually mean they are obliged to be friends with you. Friendship is actually a choice and we should be friends with who we genuinely want. If we pressure ourselves to be friends out of obligation or pity, that's not right either.

    It's very obvious that this pastor and his children don't actually want to be friends with you on a personal level. I know it hurts but they don't actually have to. Maybe you just weren't getting the hint that they're not interested. I mean you had signs of that, even from comments where the brother said that you are "barely tolerable". That was actually your cue to leave them alone and stop trying to be friends. At that point you should have stopped commenting on their social media and otherwise engaging with them. If you didn't stop then that was probably seen by the family as you being pushy and creepy. Again, I don't actually know the situation.

    However what I think the pastor has no right to do is to pressure you to leave the church and get involved in your mental health stuff. You should have still been allowed to go to your church unless you did something actually wrong. Obviously the pastor's kids were not that fond of you, so he wanted you to move on. That is pushing his own personal agenda and not being true to his role in the church. People should be allowed to go there, whether he and his family personally like them or not. However you also need to respect that if people don't want to be friends, no actually means "no" and you need to back off.

  4. #14
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    Honestly, if you had hallucinations and were in the hospital due to mental illness, there could be more to the story. The pastor may not feel like you are a safe person - he does not want you in the small groups at people's homes, only in the larger group at church perhaps to protect their safety until he finds out through time you are a safe person. I mean - people have gone to prayer groups and killed everyone. it will take time for him to see that you are "safe"

    Could it be possible when you said it was "one sided" with the pastor's daughter that it was pretty one sided - you made her feel uncomfortable or bordered on obsession and restricting you on social media she did to protect herself?

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    However keep in mind that just because someone is preaching a certain faith and things like "love thy neighbour", doesn't actually mean they are obliged to be friends with you. Friendship is actually a choice and we should be friends with who we genuinely want. If we pressure ourselves to be friends out of obligation or pity, that's not right either.

    It's very obvious that this pastor and his children don't actually want to be friends with you on a personal level. I know it hurts but they don't actually have to. Maybe you just weren't getting the hint that they're not interested. I mean you had signs of that, even from comments where the brother said that you are "barely tolerable". That was actually your cue to leave them alone and stop trying to be friends. At that point you should have stopped commenting on their social media and otherwise engaging with them. If you didn't stop then that was probably seen by the family as you being pushy and creepy. Again, I don't actually know the situation.

    However what I think the pastor has no right to do is to pressure you to leave the church and get involved in your mental health stuff. You should have still been allowed to go to your church unless you did something actually wrong. Obviously the pastor's kids were not that fond of you, so he wanted you to move on. That is pushing his own personal agenda and not being true to his role in the church. People should be allowed to go there, whether he and his family personally like them or not. However you also need to respect that if people don't want to be friends, no actually means "no" and you need to back off.

    I think there were a few things missed from a few of the posts reading through--so this is meant to be a clarification for a few of the last posts.
    I do believe that I may have been "overbearing" in the sense of being annoying; though at the time it was happening I was not aware.
    Although the pastor's children and I were very close in age, I was slightly older and leading the youth group (the youth pastor convinced me to be a helper and then shortly after I joined, he quit). So, I knew the pastor's children from 15-18, 16-19, and 18-21 where I was 20-23. The cutoff came before I ever displayed any mental illness; the paranoia had to do with 2 things--because I knew them as minors, I came across an article about emotional abuse with minors and how it could be illegal, and convinced myself that was the issue; so when I went to the police I said I might have done something illegal but wasn't sure (I don't think that now, but at the time I was obsessed with trying to figure out what I did wrong)--that is when they contacted the pastor. The hospital said they actually were required to share my mental health information with the family due to them being minors when we were in contact.
    I don't believe any hints were dropped--the barely tolerable comment wasn't a "hint"--that was the breakup, at least how I saw it--they just went from one day friends to next day complete cutoff and insult--I, for the most part, ceased contact at that point. The only exceptions were at the advice of the assistant pastor, and several months later when I learned I was moving and figured there was nothing to lose, contacting only the pastor in both cases---whom met me with more and more mixed signals.
    The mental episode was my one and only episode (well technically, I would become depressed for the next few months, but all in all this episode was my only episode ever).
    Last edited by drivenfuture; 08-05-2020 at 10:08 PM.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, many people with untreated mood disorders go for years being depressed and have manic psychotic episodes.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately, many people with untreated mood disorders go for years being depressed and have manic psychotic episodes.
    Thanks for the info--as such in my case I did g treatment--and the episode was my only one. I was taken off meds several months later. I do feel more confident that I will be aware whats happening next time.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It sounds to me a bit like you've grown up very very sheltered and this is your first adult tango with the lesser sides of humanity and it's a hard lesson to digest.

    When anyone rejects you, asking why why why can be pointless and trying to blame yourself can be self harming.....

    Honestly, you need to learn to let it go and accept that sometimes there is no good rational reason. When people reject you, it's usually not about you or anything you've done, it's more about them. If you are lucky, maybe they'll explain why, but for the most part, most people either can't quite put it into rational words themselves or simply don't want to have that conversation at all because they don't think their thoughts are a reflection of you. So hearing why will not benefit you, but rather cause unnecessary harm.

    It's a bit like if I decide I no longer want to be friends with you because I'm passionate about chocolate ice cream and you love vanilla. Your love for vanilla doesn't make you flawed nor something you should change about yourself in order to hang on to a friendship. What you should do is seek others who love vanilla or who don't care so much about that difference in general.

    It might be helpful for you to find and develop a relationship with a good therapist and use them as a sounding board for yourself, a sort of check on what's going on and how to interpret things instead of reading some article and getting obsessed to the point of going to the police and having a break down. You might benefit greatly from having someone who can give you a balanced view, help you process life and relationships better, and otherwise provide a reality check. Someone who is trained in how to. A bit like having a coach handy to walk you through some challenges before they become a major problem.

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