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Thread: Nothing in common with GF of three years

  1. #1

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    Nothing in common with GF of three years

    Together for three years. We moved in together about 1.5 years ago. I was initially most attracted by her kindness. She exudes kindness... she probably has the kindest eyes Iíve ever seen. She has a pet that she dotes on as well, and seeing how much she cares about this little animal melts me every time. She also makes me laugh frequently. She has a great laugh and a silly sense of humour that I love.

    Having been through various traumatic breakups in the past, I was probably actively looking for someone truly kind with a good heart. The thought of another breakup fills me with anxiety and dread.

    Over the years weíve been together, there are probably a couple of issues that are making me feel a bit lonely. The first is that very frequently, if I want a conversation about any particular topic, very often - in fact usually - she hasnít heard of the person or thing Iím referring to. I think part of that may be due to cultural differences (she is European, non-native English speaker), but as time goes on I think it may also be in part due to lack of curiosity about the world.

    This means that many potential conversations end up being non-starters. The stuff we do have in common only reflects a relatively tiny portion of who I am, and Iíd love to be able to share more of myself with a partner.

    Sheís an introvert. If we ever go out with friends, itís always my friends. The few friends she does have she is never particularly bothered about meeting up with, and she shows little interest in socialising in general. She never goes out on her own. She is very happy this way, but it means that ďme-timeĒ doesnít really exist. I donít get to meet and socialise with her friends, because that isnít part of her life.

    I like adventure and sport (travelling, hiking, climbing) but she isnít interested in those things. Iím passionate about film, but she has rarely heard of any actor or film I refer to. If we visit an exhibition and Iím waxing lyrical about a particular artistís work, she seems nonplussed or bored. I get it, that everyone has their own taste... itís just that Iím an arty person myself and this is the stuff that gets me going.

    In the time Iíve known her, she was working for the first year to eighteen months, but then she gave up her job and didnít manage to find another one. She has started a business from home now which seems to be going quite well so far, and kudos to her - but it means she rarely has any excuse to leave the apartment.

    Because we donít have a massive crossover of interests or passions, our evening time typically consists of avoidant behaviour, i.e. she will scroll through Instagram all night. I find myself surfing the web aimlessly as well. Sometimes we will watch Netflix together, but this doesnít really generate much closeness - and it doesnít tend to lead to long conversations because, again, she often wonít know about the various related things Iíll reference.

    This means that Iíve lost a certain amount of interest in sex and intimacy. I tend to feel that mutual shared passions outside the bedroom feed into that stuff quite a lot, but we donít seem to have many mutual passions.

    Iím sure some of these issues are exacerbated by the Covid-19 lockdowns, but maybe theyíve also brought things into sharper focus.

    I donít know what to do.

    Having lived through various failed relationships, one of the lessons Iíve learned is that I shouldnít expect a partner to fill my every need, that noone is a 100% perfect fit, etc.

    But Iíve reached the point where I feel quite sad really, and quite alone.
    Last edited by Momoba; 08-04-2020 at 09:38 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Welcome to ENA,

    How old are the two of you?

    I would guess that you have never had this conversation with her right? I would bet she has felt at least some of the things you are feeling but like you doesn't want to bring it up.

    Just because she is kind and caring doesn't mean she is the one for you and you know that. Just because you have had heart-wrenching breakups in the past doesn't mean you should stay in a relationship either.

    I am not saying you could be the spark that helps her out of her shell and she couldn't be the caring and loving person that helps you grow but until the conversation happens where you both express what you want for and in your lives there is no way of getting from here to where you both want to be.

    Perhaps she is totally fine living this way the rest of her life or perhaps she really wants to get out into the world and explore but is afraid to do so and needs a push and the security of at her side to venture out.

    If your hopes, dreams and goals are fundamentally different then there is no reason to stay together is there?

    Lost

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you two are incompatible. Have you discussed this with her? How old are both of you?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about this.

    Big picture? Some relationships just run their course, and not every relationship is meant to last forever. That doesn't mean they have "failed" so much as reached the limitations of their "success." I can't help but think that you'd benefit from thinking about how you measure relationshipsóor, really, of your own role in themóless judgmentally, less narrowly.

    It's human that, when we get hurt doing something we love, our first reaction to stop doing it. Let's say you break your arm next time you go climbing. Odds are you might be a little skittish to get back on the rock, even once the arm is fully healed, since the emotional pain is still potent. So you take up knitting for a bitóno risk of a broken arm there!óat least until you realize you need to climb to be you. You then go about climbing with a little more wisdom and intention, so the inherent risks can be embraced and you can live your one and only life being true to yourself rather than afraid of being hurt.

    My impression here is that this relationship might be a bit like that, a climber seeing if he can find spiritual fulfillment with knitting in order to learn that, alas, he needs to be on the rock. Or, less metaphorically: it seems that in her you chose something that seemed "safe" and "failure-proof," at the expense of someone who fired all the synapses required for sustained, expansive connection. If there's a lesson there, I'd say it's about the dangers of safety.

    Like lost, I'm curious if this has ever been discussed? That said, being completely honest, I'm not sure of the degree to which these things can be discussed. People are who they are, and reveal themselves to you over time, just as time reveals how well two people operate, or don't. Sometimes the hardest discussion is the one we have to have with ourselves, from time to time, about what it is that time has revealed, or failed to.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Do you live in her country or yours? How did you meet? Why would you move in with someone you can't really communicate with?

    You need to learn that a partner is not supposed to be the center of your social, intellectual, cultural life or needs to be involved in everything you are interested in.

    Unfortunately, when you move in together it often kills the romance and the boredom sets in. Are you going on dates? Or do you simply want her to be with your friends, your interests, your places, what you want or deem interesting enough for you, etc?

    You also need to address your own sadness, loneliness and manage your own feelings. if you are struggling with depression or stress, stop blaming her and get to a doctor and therapist for help. She's not holding you back, you are.
    Originally Posted by Momoba
    Together for three years. We moved in together about 1.5 years ago.

    I think part of that may be due to cultural differences (she is European, non-native English speaker), but as time goes on I think it may also be in part due to lack of curiosity about the world.

    This means that Iíve lost a certain amount of interest in sex and intimacy. I feel quite sad really, and quite alone.

  7. #6

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    I donít want to put too much personally identifiable info down, but Iíll say that Iím of an age where Iím beginning to see many friends having children and making family lives. Iím beginning to sense that Iím falling behind in that respect, actually. Some might say that at my age, I should have got my life together... so itís a cause of some shame, probably, that I seemingly havenít yet. She is (slightly) younger... she does want children, and is conscious that her clock is ticking.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, then you can't string her along if you feel she is inferior to you. You'll resent it and so will she and the nasty breakup you are hoping to avoid (again) will happen (again).

    If you suddenly find her boring and inferior because she expects some sort of real commitment after 3 years, you need to reflect on this. Don't use people because they are "kind" if you have no intention of having a future with her that she clearly has talked about.
    Originally Posted by Momoba
    she does want children, and is conscious that her clock is ticking.

  9. #8

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    > Why would you move in with someone you can't really communicate with?

    We can communicate... itís just when things move beyond surface level stuff that we struggle. I wasnít completely aware of this at first as I was trying to focus on the good stuff... but also because I was trying to live by the other thing you mentioned: that a partner shouldnít necessarily be the centre of my social, intellectual, cultural life, nor need to be involved in everything I am interested in.

    > You also need to address your own sadness, loneliness and manage your own feelings. if you are struggling with depression or stress, stop blaming her

    I agree, hence really second guessing whether this is a genuine compatibility issue or more down to personal shortcomings. Sometimes Iím convinced itís the former, and other times think it might be the latter.

  10. #9

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    > If you suddenly find her boring and inferior

    I donít find her inferior at all. Lacking many common interests naturally promotes some feelings of boredom though.

    I agree, I definitely donít want to ďstring her alongĒ... Iíve been reflecting on that quite a lot already, but feels like itís approaching crunch time.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You don't even seem to like her, let alone respect her. Half of your post is you complaining that she is around all the time as if you hate her company or feel suffocated by her mere presence even though she doesn't seem to demand your attention.

    Probably time to call it a day on this and be honest that when you pick someone who is too opposite of you, the relationship won't work in the long run. Don't treat this as failure, but rather as personal growth, an important life lesson. You can have kind but also more into the things you are into. So many women are into arts, outdoors, etc - it's really not hard to find them just by participating in the interests you list.

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