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Nothing in common with GF of three years


Momoba

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Together for three years. We moved in together about 1.5 years ago. I was initially most attracted by her kindness. She exudes kindness... she probably has the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen. She has a pet that she dotes on as well, and seeing how much she cares about this little animal melts me every time. She also makes me laugh frequently. She has a great laugh and a silly sense of humour that I love.

 

Having been through various traumatic breakups in the past, I was probably actively looking for someone truly kind with a good heart. The thought of another breakup fills me with anxiety and dread.

 

Over the years we’ve been together, there are probably a couple of issues that are making me feel a bit lonely. The first is that very frequently, if I want a conversation about any particular topic, very often - in fact usually - she hasn’t heard of the person or thing I’m referring to. I think part of that may be due to cultural differences (she is European, non-native English speaker), but as time goes on I think it may also be in part due to lack of curiosity about the world.

 

This means that many potential conversations end up being non-starters. The stuff we do have in common only reflects a relatively tiny portion of who I am, and I’d love to be able to share more of myself with a partner.

 

She’s an introvert. If we ever go out with friends, it’s always my friends. The few friends she does have she is never particularly bothered about meeting up with, and she shows little interest in socialising in general. She never goes out on her own. She is very happy this way, but it means that “me-time” doesn’t really exist. I don’t get to meet and socialise with her friends, because that isn’t part of her life.

 

I like adventure and sport (travelling, hiking, climbing) but she isn’t interested in those things. I’m passionate about film, but she has rarely heard of any actor or film I refer to. If we visit an exhibition and I’m waxing lyrical about a particular artist’s work, she seems nonplussed or bored. I get it, that everyone has their own taste... it’s just that I’m an arty person myself and this is the stuff that gets me going.

 

In the time I’ve known her, she was working for the first year to eighteen months, but then she gave up her job and didn’t manage to find another one. She has started a business from home now which seems to be going quite well so far, and kudos to her - but it means she rarely has any excuse to leave the apartment.

 

Because we don’t have a massive crossover of interests or passions, our evening time typically consists of avoidant behaviour, i.e. she will scroll through Instagram all night. I find myself surfing the web aimlessly as well. Sometimes we will watch Netflix together, but this doesn’t really generate much closeness - and it doesn’t tend to lead to long conversations because, again, she often won’t know about the various related things I’ll reference.

 

This means that I’ve lost a certain amount of interest in sex and intimacy. I tend to feel that mutual shared passions outside the bedroom feed into that stuff quite a lot, but we don’t seem to have many mutual passions.

 

I’m sure some of these issues are exacerbated by the Covid-19 lockdowns, but maybe they’ve also brought things into sharper focus.

 

I don’t know what to do.

 

Having lived through various failed relationships, one of the lessons I’ve learned is that I shouldn’t expect a partner to fill my every need, that noone is a 100% perfect fit, etc.

 

But I’ve reached the point where I feel quite sad really, and quite alone.

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Welcome to ENA,

 

How old are the two of you?

 

I would guess that you have never had this conversation with her right? I would bet she has felt at least some of the things you are feeling but like you doesn't want to bring it up.

 

Just because she is kind and caring doesn't mean she is the one for you and you know that. Just because you have had heart-wrenching breakups in the past doesn't mean you should stay in a relationship either.

 

I am not saying you could be the spark that helps her out of her shell and she couldn't be the caring and loving person that helps you grow but until the conversation happens where you both express what you want for and in your lives there is no way of getting from here to where you both want to be.

 

Perhaps she is totally fine living this way the rest of her life or perhaps she really wants to get out into the world and explore but is afraid to do so and needs a push and the security of at her side to venture out.

 

If your hopes, dreams and goals are fundamentally different then there is no reason to stay together is there?

 

Lost

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Sorry about this.

 

Big picture? Some relationships just run their course, and not every relationship is meant to last forever. That doesn't mean they have "failed" so much as reached the limitations of their "success." I can't help but think that you'd benefit from thinking about how you measure relationships—or, really, of your own role in them—less judgmentally, less narrowly.

 

It's human that, when we get hurt doing something we love, our first reaction to stop doing it. Let's say you break your arm next time you go climbing. Odds are you might be a little skittish to get back on the rock, even once the arm is fully healed, since the emotional pain is still potent. So you take up knitting for a bit—no risk of a broken arm there!—at least until you realize you need to climb to be you. You then go about climbing with a little more wisdom and intention, so the inherent risks can be embraced and you can live your one and only life being true to yourself rather than afraid of being hurt.

 

My impression here is that this relationship might be a bit like that, a climber seeing if he can find spiritual fulfillment with knitting in order to learn that, alas, he needs to be on the rock. Or, less metaphorically: it seems that in her you chose something that seemed "safe" and "failure-proof," at the expense of someone who fired all the synapses required for sustained, expansive connection. If there's a lesson there, I'd say it's about the dangers of safety.

 

Like lost, I'm curious if this has ever been discussed? That said, being completely honest, I'm not sure of the degree to which these things can be discussed. People are who they are, and reveal themselves to you over time, just as time reveals how well two people operate, or don't. Sometimes the hardest discussion is the one we have to have with ourselves, from time to time, about what it is that time has revealed, or failed to.

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Sorry to hear this. Do you live in her country or yours? How did you meet? Why would you move in with someone you can't really communicate with?

 

You need to learn that a partner is not supposed to be the center of your social, intellectual, cultural life or needs to be involved in everything you are interested in.

 

Unfortunately, when you move in together it often kills the romance and the boredom sets in. Are you going on dates? Or do you simply want her to be with your friends, your interests, your places, what you want or deem interesting enough for you, etc?

 

You also need to address your own sadness, loneliness and manage your own feelings. if you are struggling with depression or stress, stop blaming her and get to a doctor and therapist for help. She's not holding you back, you are.

Together for three years. We moved in together about 1.5 years ago.

 

I think part of that may be due to cultural differences (she is European, non-native English speaker), but as time goes on I think it may also be in part due to lack of curiosity about the world.

 

This means that I’ve lost a certain amount of interest in sex and intimacy. I feel quite sad really, and quite alone.

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I don’t want to put too much personally identifiable info down, but I’ll say that I’m of an age where I’m beginning to see many friends having children and making family lives. I’m beginning to sense that I’m falling behind in that respect, actually. Some might say that at my age, I should have got my life together... so it’s a cause of some shame, probably, that I seemingly haven’t yet. She is (slightly) younger... she does want children, and is conscious that her clock is ticking.

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Ok, then you can't string her along if you feel she is inferior to you. You'll resent it and so will she and the nasty breakup you are hoping to avoid (again) will happen (again).

 

If you suddenly find her boring and inferior because she expects some sort of real commitment after 3 years, you need to reflect on this. Don't use people because they are "kind" if you have no intention of having a future with her that she clearly has talked about.

she does want children, and is conscious that her clock is ticking.
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> Why would you move in with someone you can't really communicate with?

 

We can communicate... it’s just when things move beyond surface level stuff that we struggle. I wasn’t completely aware of this at first as I was trying to focus on the good stuff... but also because I was trying to live by the other thing you mentioned: that a partner shouldn’t necessarily be the centre of my social, intellectual, cultural life, nor need to be involved in everything I am interested in.

 

> You also need to address your own sadness, loneliness and manage your own feelings. if you are struggling with depression or stress, stop blaming her

 

I agree, hence really second guessing whether this is a genuine compatibility issue or more down to personal shortcomings. Sometimes I’m convinced it’s the former, and other times think it might be the latter.

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> If you suddenly find her boring and inferior

 

I don’t find her inferior at all. Lacking many common interests naturally promotes some feelings of boredom though.

 

I agree, I definitely don’t want to “string her along”... I’ve been reflecting on that quite a lot already, but feels like it’s approaching crunch time.

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You don't even seem to like her, let alone respect her. Half of your post is you complaining that she is around all the time as if you hate her company or feel suffocated by her mere presence even though she doesn't seem to demand your attention.

 

Probably time to call it a day on this and be honest that when you pick someone who is too opposite of you, the relationship won't work in the long run. Don't treat this as failure, but rather as personal growth, an important life lesson. You can have kind but also more into the things you are into. So many women are into arts, outdoors, etc - it's really not hard to find them just by participating in the interests you list.

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Sorry about this.

 

Big picture? Some relationships just run their course, and not every relationship is meant to last forever. That doesn't mean they have "failed" so much as reached the limitations of their "success." I can't help but think that you'd benefit from thinking about how you measure relationships—or, really, of your own role in them—less judgmentally, less narrowly.

 

It's human that, when we get hurt doing something we love, our first reaction to stop doing it. Let's say you break your arm next time you go climbing. Odds are you might be a little skittish to get back on the rock, even once the arm is fully healed, since the emotional pain is still potent. So you take up knitting for a bit—no risk of a broken arm there!—at least until you realize you need to climb to be you. You then go about climbing with a little more wisdom and intention, so the inherent risks can be embraced and you can live your one and only life being true to yourself rather than afraid of being hurt.

 

My impression here is that this relationship might be a bit like that, a climber seeing if he can find spiritual fulfillment with knitting in order to learn that, alas, he needs to be on the rock. Or, less metaphorically: it seems that in her you chose something that seemed "safe" and "failure-proof," at the expense of someone who fired all the synapses required for sustained, expansive connection. If there's a lesson there, I'd say it's about the dangers of safety.

 

Like lost, I'm curious if this has ever been discussed? That said, being completely honest, I'm not sure of the degree to which these things can be discussed. People are who they are, and reveal themselves to you over time, just as time reveals how well two people operate, or don't. Sometimes the hardest discussion is the one we have to have with ourselves, from time to time, about what it is that time has revealed, or failed to.

 

Very struck by your wisdom. Wow. Found myself nodding along with all of that. Thank you!

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I don’t want to put too much personally identifiable info down, but I’ll say that I’m of an age where I’m beginning to see many friends having children and making family lives. I’m beginning to sense that I’m falling behind in that respect, actually. Some might say that at my age, I should have got my life together... so it’s a cause of some shame, probably, that I seemingly haven’t yet. She is (slightly) younger... she does want children, and is conscious that her clock is ticking.

 

It's not a competition, all this.

 

It seems like you're trying to create the depths that are lacking in your relationship by prostrating yourself and obsessing over your sadness. Dangerous loop, that one, and I'd say it's the sort of loop that gets spun through incompatibility more than anything else.

 

No, a partner doesn't need to be the center of your social/intellectual/cultural life—since you are that center—but it's not exactly a big ask to want to connect on those planes. I'd call it baseline, actually, right there next to "nice" and "caring." Doesn't have to be binary, in short.

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> You don't even seem to like her, let alone respect her. Half of your post is you complaining that she is around all the time as if you hate her company.

 

That’s a bit harsh. I do like her and respect her very much. I think everyone needs some personal time (at home), that’s all.

 

> Don't treat this as failure, but rather as personal growth, an important life lesson. You can have kind but also more into the things you are into. So many women are into arts, outdoors, etc - it's really not hard to find them just by participating in the interests you list.

 

That’s probably true, and thank you!

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> You don't even seem to like her, let alone respect her. Half of your post is you complaining that she is around all the time as if you hate her company.

 

That’s a bit harsh. I do like her and respect her very much. I think everyone needs some personal time (at home), that’s all.

 

> Don't treat this as failure, but rather as personal growth, an important life lesson. You can have kind but also more into the things you are into. So many women are into arts, outdoors, etc - it's really not hard to find them just by participating in the interests you list.

 

That’s probably true, and thank you!

 

Hate may be too strong a word, but you definitely sound suffocated. The thing with that is that when you are with the right person, you won't feel like that. Yes, we all need space and I tend to like mine a lot. What I can tell you from experience though, is that when I'm with the right guy, we can be in the same room and give each other space and not feel irritated or suffocated. However, with the wrong guy, he might not even be in the same room or in the house, a simple text and I get that "OMG, can't you give me some space." feeling. That sense of needing to breathe, needing space is pretty much a visceral reaction to being around someone you really don't like enough.

 

The relationship has run its course and the sooner you end it, the less damage done in terms of finding new partners who are more right and building the life that you both want respectively with other better matches. Right now, you are just holding each other back from that.

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> Why would you move in with someone you can't really communicate with?

 

We can communicate... it’s just when things move beyond surface level stuff that we struggle. I wasn’t completely aware of this at first as I was trying to focus on the good stuff... but also because I was trying to live by the other thing you mentioned: that a partner shouldn’t necessarily be the centre of my social, intellectual, cultural life, nor need to be involved in everything I am interested in.

 

> You also need to address your own sadness, loneliness and manage your own feelings. if you are struggling with depression or stress, stop blaming her

 

I agree, hence really second guessing whether this is a genuine compatibility issue or more down to personal shortcomings. Sometimes I’m convinced it’s the former, and other times think it might be the latter.

 

You can't get around this by going to extremes. Of course she doesn't have to be everything to you -that's silly. So I have an example that might resonate with you. My husband and I have always been able to have interesting conversations for all these years even though we have some divergent interests (he's a Trekkie for one thing and I am not although I've watched some episodes). But then we had a baby. And I became a stay at home mom after being employed full time mostly at an intense career for almost 20 years. I was over the moon being a mom, with my son -I was all about motherhood and my child and -wow. And I knew right away I didn't want to be a person who became this boring mush of motherhood, only talking about my child, only interested in parenting/mother topics, only being friends with "mom friends". Ick. So I took proactive steps to avoid that as best I could -I kept up on current events, I started reading a very literary weekly magazine again, I kept up with my non-parent friends so i talked about anything but my child (other than to my sister, my mother and my inlaws -they only wanted to hear about him LOL).

 

I feel that this is my obligation -to stay vital, interested, interesting, for my partner - and for me! I strongly suggest based on what you wrote that you seek out someone who feels that way and who acts that way. Kind is awesome - find someone kind too (and/or get a kitten).

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Whose country do you live in and why don't you speak the same language? Did you meet on a bride site or work/school? Are you both residents of whatever place you live now?

 

You've had 3 years to improve language skills, however when you love someone, language usually isn't that big a barrier. However you need to be able to be able to communicate past 'where's the train station", in order to understand the nuances of another's culture, feelings, mentality, values etc..

We can communicate... it’s just when things move beyond surface level stuff that we struggle.
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Whose country do you live in and why don't you speak the same language? Did you meet on a bride site or work/school? Are you both residents of whatever place you live now?

 

Hah, no... we met on a regular dating site. I didn’t mean literally, at least not in terms of language. Her English is perfect, as she’s lived in this country for over a decade. I meant in the spiritual, philosophical sense - or in terms of discussing ideas about the world, popular culture, society or history etc.

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Some relationships just run their course, and not every relationship is meant to last forever. That doesn't mean they have "failed" so much as reached the limitations of their "success."

 

That is some pure wisdom.

 

Same thing happens with platonic relationships. Sometimes people's needs change or a particular occasion or life event causes friction or incompatibility between friends, even close ones.

With closer relationships this can happen too, and I think you have become good friends, but lacking that important intimate human connection.

 

Can you arrange a good sit down conversation with her and discuss your feelings? This will go either of two ways..

1) it will mark the beginning of the end of the relationship

2) she will promise to change to be a better fit for you (but realistically can this really happen?)

 

Never fear "failure" of a relationships, if this relationship does end, you both can discover different people that can't get enough of each other.

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This is really only as complicated as you want to make it. My sense is that you're kind of choosing to make it complicated to avoid what is so very simple, if also so very sad.

 

It's like when someone on a diet—a diet prompted, for the sake of this argument, more out of insecurity than a genuine desire for health—goes to the steakhouse and just orders the side salad, even when the ribeye and/or the porterhouse and/or the ribs really sounded delicious. They spend the meal trying to focus on the "good things," like their cholesterol or calorie counts, their goal of looking good on the beach come summer, whatever. But they don't leave feeling quite full, satisfied, and struggled to enjoy the company because they were stuck in their head.

 

No biggie, though! It's one night, one dinner, not their last supper. But, per the insecurity stuff, let's say it was the only thing they ate for the rest of their lives. Well, that's what actual starvation looks like, to the point where even the "good things" become conceptual, even evidence of something unhealthy rather than healthy. They looked great that first summer on the beach, no doubt, but the next? Skin and bones! And the one after that? Ooof...

 

You, by the sounds of it, are starving after three years of eating salads. Happens. Have been in versions of your shoes, relationships that were too heavy on the greens, relationships that were too, ahem, all about the meat. Alas, needed those experiences to better understand my own tastes and appetite, to cultivate a genuinely healthy diet so I didn't have to spend time stuck in my head wondering about food all the time. Not failures, in short, but steps along the path of better understanding myself, and connecting with myself, so I could forge better, more sustainable (and more sparkly!) connections with others.

 

So, yeah, have a talk with her. But before that? Have a sit down with yourself, an honest one, about what you need to feel full and nourished in the present, and about the degree to which your own insecurities (about falling behind in the non-existent competition of life, about ending up crushed by heartache) may have gotten you to this place as much, if not more, than her lack of interest Rothko or bouldering or whatever. You can only be as vulnerable with another, after all, as you're willing to get with yourself.

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I agree ^^^

 

AND I am picking up a Rib Eye to grill for dinner!

 

Trying to talk yourself into or out of a relationship is a very bad sign. Like I said before I would bet she is thinking things aren't right either.

 

There is probably someone perfect for her out there and the same for you but until you talk to her and figure out how you both feel about all this you will be stuck.

 

If you are mid to late twenties then you are mature enough to know this is not working but you don't want to what is needed. Time to man up and have the talk.

 

Lost

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It sounds like you've given the relationship a very sincere try and have reflected a lot on what to do to reconcile the emptiness with the otherwise decent stuff, yet not hurt anyone in the process.

Just want to say I’m really touched by the kindness on display in this forum. Really appreciate all your advice. Thank you all. Yes, I’ll try to have a talk with her to discuss these things soon.
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Well I think they have the saying "marry your best friend" for a reason. My parents have been married for 38 years. They got married at 20. Obviously after so long, the youth has worn off, so-called butterflies has worn off. What's kept them going is the friendship. I think that friendship with your partner is very important. I think you're finding the sex is waning because it's not actually as important in a relationship as the relationship itself. It's still a big part of it, but without the friendship sex just falls away eventually.

 

From everything you said to be honest it doesn't sound like you're compatible for long-term. If you're looking to settle down/marriage, I think you need someone that you easily can call a best friend and can tell her anything. That in twenty years you could still see yourself with this person. For that I think you do need to have at least some common interests and you need to have good conversations too. And personally I don't like it either if my partner never sees friends, has no hobbies or interests, and never leaves the house. I'm super outgoing and I don't expect my partner to be identical. But it's not attractive to me if they don't have a life of their own and they just sit at home all the time. Honestly I also would find that stifling. That's just me though. Some people may not mind it.

 

End of the day I think you know what you want in a partner and you should listen to your gut feelings. If the main thing you like about this woman is she's really nice - so are lots of other women. Majority of people are actually nice. That doesn't always make them "the one".

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