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Thread: Things moved to fast? Now what?

  1. #1
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    Things moved to fast? Now what?

    I recently went on a fifth date with a really great girl. She is very sweet and kind. Our conversations are effortless. She treats me amazingly and does everything you want the person your dating to do. Despite this, I feel like there is something Iíve been hesitant about. I canít really put my finger on it, but Iím maybe just not super attracted to her despite her great personal qualities that I seek in a relationship.

    I wanted to see if that would change so I continued to see her. Things got really hot and heavy last night . She asked me if I thought things were moving too fast, I said no, but I was only maybe expecting a make out session or HJ last night. We made out, then she initiated giving me a BJ, which was incredible by the way. Then, she stops when I had nearly ejaculated and said something that implied that she wanted to have sex. She then quickly said something like, ďThis probably isnít the best time for this, but we probably shouldnít see anyone else for a while?Ē I said,Ēthat probably makes sense.Ē We then had sex, which was very short since I had already been about to explode.

    Anyway, I feel really bad now. I donít think I was ready to have some makeshift, 2 second exclusivity talk when I was super sexually aroused. To be honest, I am still feeling things out as I mentioned above but panicked when she said that. I donít really know how to move forward now. I still had a couple people I was chatting with online that I intended to meet, now I feel guilty about that. Ugh, I feel so bad and I donít know what to do. Any recommendations? What would you do? Getting Ready for a First Date

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    The best thing to do is to be direct and simple with no gushy "you're amazing but" or some silly excuse about not being ready for a relationship. Also did you use protection? If not then of course you'll make sure she knows to contact you if she is pregnant. Tell her it was the heat of the moment and you're sorry. She was there too. She knows that she did all of this without talking through what she really wanted before it was "heat of the moment". I'm sorry you're regretting it.

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    The best thing to do is to be direct and simple with no gushy "you're amazing but" or some silly excuse about not being ready for a relationship. Also did you use protection? If not then of course you'll make sure she knows to contact you if she is pregnant. Tell her it was the heat of the moment and you're sorry. She was there too. She knows that she did all of this without talking through what she really wanted before it was "heat of the moment". I'm sorry you're regretting it.
    I wouldnít mind seeing her a few more times to feel things out, but if Iím really honest with myself Iíd be hoping for my hesitations to change. Typically from the past, I know these hesitations donít always go away, but sometimes they do. We did use protection, so I donít think thatís really an issue.

    Iím really struggling with this situation. After all this quarantining and isolation, I think I have felt some sense of desperation or loneliness at times.

    Do you think continuing to see her would be a mistake? I donít really see any way to walk things back now. If I could do it again, Iíd like to say, ď I want to still get to know you better but Iím not quite ready to be exclusive.Ē I donít really feel like I ratcheted up the physical aspect significantly. Iíve never been the one night stand type of person. Would it be possible to propose a physical exclusivity but still continue dating others? I really feel lost here. Is this situation toast?

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    If I could do it again, Iíd like to say, ďI want to still get to know you better but Iím not quite ready to be exclusive.Ē
    So do exactly this. Yes, it's awkward, but how she responds will let you know if it's the kind of awkwardness that can be explored, or not, and you don't have to spin out into some dramatic vortex of self-recrimination. You've had sex, yes, but the stakes here are still very low, for both of you, as you are just two people on planet earth who have met each other 5 times. Wherever this goes is okay, and respect her enough to respect that's true for her too.

    I wouldn't get into some hair-splitting game of proposing physical exclusivity while continuing to date others, since what does that ever really mean? In her shoes, I'd take that to be you trying to coddle me rather than treating me like the grownup I am. She's either on the same page as you, or understanding of the page you're on and the blurry page you wrote together in a saucy moment. Heck, in exploring thatówith words, not bodiesóyou may gain some clarity on the question of whether this is someone you want to continue getting to know.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    So do exactly this. Yes, it's awkward, but how she responds will let you know if it's the kind of awkwardness that can be explored, or not, and you don't have to spin out into some dramatic vortex of self-recrimination. You've had sex, yes, but the stakes here are still very low, for both of you, as you are just two people on planet earth who have met each other 5 times. Wherever this goes is okay, and respect her enough to respect that's true for her too.
    Iím really not sure how to phrase this. Is it possible to walk things back/slow things down if they move too fast? Is it possible I could tell her I didnít feel ready for the exclusive conversation and panicked in the heat of the moment? I didnít expect things to escalate so quickly. I feel super guilty about wanting to explore other options still.(catholic guilt manifestation haha)

    If I were her, Iíd feel pretty hurt by any statement of that sort. I feel like there has been a couple of times where I was on the flip side of this situation, where I dated someone a few times, had sex, but the other person decided it wasnít right for them. It hurt at the time but obviously I got over it.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    So do exactly this. Yes, it's awkward, but how she responds will let you know if it's the kind of awkwardness that can be explored, or not, and you don't have to spin out into some dramatic vortex of self-recrimination. You've had sex, yes, but the stakes here are still very low, for both of you, as you are just two people on planet earth who have met each other 5 times. Wherever this goes is okay, and respect her enough to respect that's true for her too.

    I wouldn't get into some hair-splitting game of proposing physical exclusivity while continuing to date others, since what does that ever really mean? In her shoes, I'd take that to be you trying to coddle me rather than treating me like the grownup I am. She's either on the same page as you, or understanding of the page you're on and the blurry page you wrote together in a saucy moment. Heck, in exploring thatówith words, not bodiesóyou may gain some clarity on the question of whether this is someone you want to continue getting to know.
    I agree with Bluecastle,

    The sooner you have this talk the better. If you wait it will make it that much harder to bring up.

    You know this woman better than we do so you have to have some idea how to start the conversation. Please do not send her a text saying "we need to talk". Ask her to get together for an early dinner or something and when you see each other say something like this: "I would like to talk about what happened the other night" "I kind of panicked when you asked if we were going to fast and answered no because I got caught up in the moment but I do feel like we may be going a bit fast" "I would really like for us to get to know each other much better before sex complicates things"

    Basically tell her what you wrote on your first post. Compassionate honesty is a rarely used thing but it is a wonderful gift in the long run. What would you rather do? Have a semi awkward conversation now or hurt her very badly in a month or so when you decide she isn't the one for you?

    Be brave and talk to her.

    Lost

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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    I agree with Bluecastle,

    The sooner you have this talk the better. If you wait it will make it that much harder to bring up.

    You know this woman better than we do so you have to have some idea how to start the conversation. Please do not send her a text saying "we need to talk". Ask her to get together for an early dinner or something and when you see each other say something like this: "I would like to talk about what happened the other night" "I kind of panicked when you asked if we were going to fast and answered no because I got caught up in the moment but I do feel like we may be going a bit fast" "I would really like for us to get to know each other much better before sex complicates things"

    Basically tell her what you wrote on your first post. Compassionate honesty is a rarely used thing but it is a wonderful gift in the long run. What would you rather do? Have a semi awkward conversation now or hurt her very badly in a month or so when you decide she isn't the one for you?

    Be brave and talk to her.

    Lost
    Thanks. I think that makes sense.

    The thing that concerned me most was trying to establish a level of exclusivity very quickly to permit moving forward with sex. I think this is a responsible and appropriate thing to establish but a bad time to bring it up. Would this also need to be addressed specifically? If so, how? As I mentioned, I feel terrible for wanting to explore other options, but stating that would be horrific.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    Thanks. I think that makes sense.

    The thing that concerned me most was trying to establish a level of exclusivity very quickly to permit moving forward with sex. I think this is a responsible and appropriate thing to establish but a bad time to bring it up. Would this also need to be addressed specifically? If so, how? As I mentioned, I feel terrible for wanting to explore other options, but stating that would be horrific.
    I'll defer to the men's advise. They clearly have a better understanding of the man's view on this.
    But as a woman, to take you to`that' place and decide that was a good time to negotiate the terms seems a little manipulative.
    I don't know that she intentionally meant to do so, but it does place you in a prediciment.

    But it wasn't the best move on her part. The game `calling Uncle' comes to mind.
    Take it moment by moment. You'll know what to do. Just be transparent.

    I get your discomfort. But don't move forward on anything you don't feel comfortable with and don't feel guilty saying so.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I wouldn't over complicate this.

    In your shoes I'd just tell her that after 5 dates it's too soon to jump into an exclusive relationship and then just tell her that you aren't sleeping around or looking to, but you do feel that things have moved a bit fast and you'd rather slow it down and do what you've been doing before - enjoy your time together and get to know each other properly and grow into that relationship. Also, tell her that yes, in the heat of the moment you agreed to things that you two really should have talked about before in a calmer moment, so that moment is now. Tell her that you just aren't the sort of person to jump into an instant relationship after a few dates and you want to be honest with her about that. How she takes that, up to her. She might accept it at face value, she might take it as rejection. You can't control that and it doesn't make you a bad person for informing her where you really stand. It's actually a mature thing to do.

    As for sexual exclusivity, it's not really splitting hairs, it means just that - not sleeping around with multiple partners exposing people to disease. It doesn't mean this will grow into a solid relationship. It might, it might not.

    As for the guilt.....I mean.....you are both adults making personal choices. She made hers and she is responsible for that decision, not you.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Take a moment, really quick, to inhale and exhale. No, seriously, do it. This is not nuclear disarmament, after all.

    What's done is done, and what's done? It's not that cataclysmic. Lost gave you an excellent playbook in terms of how to proceed from hereóin terms of being the kind of person in the world you want to be. However she respondsóand she can respond any which way she chooses!ówill then inform where things go from here. Somewhere, nowhere? Sweetness, bittersweetness, a flare-up of drama? It's all okay, and will let you both know if there's something to continue to feel out, or not.

    Why on earth would you feel "terrible" for not wanting to be in an exclusive commitment with someone you hardly know? Give her some credit here. She is an adult, she was there, knows it was all a little hasty, is probably having her own spins about it.

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