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Thread: Things moved to fast? Now what?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    For me personally lack of physical/sexual attraction means it's all over before it started. That aspect never ever grows for me. Then again, I do know good and well that I can have it all - red hot attraction and great personality/compatibility. To me, these things are never mutually exclusive concepts and so I don't try to force something to work just because the guy is otherwise great or we have fun or a lot in common. No sexual chemistry means he is just a platonic pal to me.

    On that note, I couldn't actually have sex with someone I'm not attracted to.....soooo...... I guess that's where I find your behavior confusing. You claim not to be attracted and yet, not only did you have sex, you also mentioned it was great overall. It wasn't just her, you were there and fully into it.

    Perhaps you need to explore more your hesitation and what it's really about. Is it really lacking attraction or is it that things are moving perhaps too fast, too perfect seeming - a bit of fear at play???? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I like this, what do others think?

    Honestly, I donít think I was particularly physically attracted to her the moment we met from an OLD app. However, her personality did win me over and she grew cuter over the night. Sometimes physical attraction can grow from this, but Iím not sure it was sufficient here.

    Iím not really sure if the way I feel about her will change if I continue to see her. Has anyone else been in this position? I have felt all in from the early goings before. There still just seems to be this hesitation I have about her that Iím not sure will go away over time.
    Iwould be direct and honest and hold off on sexual intercourse until you are ready to be exclusive with her.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    I donít think she was being manipulative. She has only displayed sincerity and integrity 100 percent, which is one of her most attractive features. I think it was a combination of feeling intense passion yet also wanting to have an exclusive sexual relationship. Things just escalated rapidly, I certainly played my role in that. I shouldnít have said that I was ok with just seeing her though but felt so tongue tied in the moment, saying anything but something affirmative in that moment seemed impossible.

    Admittedly, she had concerns, asking if things were moving too quickly. I honestly thought she just meant doing some hand stuff, but things really went wild.
    So I have to go back where you said you had her over and was hoping for nothing more than a hand job? I am not really have alot of sympathy for you at this point. You aren't necessarily attracted to her but you were perfectly ok with her pleasuring you? What was in it for her exactly?

    You should have been more aware and responsible for your part in this. When she asked for exclusivity, you said yes. Why? Were you afraid she's stop doing what she was doing?
    I get that takes some self control. . but you are an adult afterall.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    For me personally lack of physical/sexual attraction means it's all over before it started. That aspect never ever grows for me. Then again, I do know good and well that I can have it all - red hot attraction and great personality/compatibility. To me, these things are never mutually exclusive concepts and so I don't try to force something to work just because the guy is otherwise great or we have fun or a lot in common. No sexual chemistry means he is just a platonic pal to me.

    On that note, I couldn't actually have sex with someone I'm not attracted to.....soooo...... I guess that's where I find your behavior confusing. You claim not to be attracted and yet, not only did you have sex, you also mentioned it was great overall. It wasn't just her, you were there and fully into it.

    Perhaps you need to explore more your hesitation and what it's really about. Is it really lacking attraction or is it that things are moving perhaps too fast, too perfect seeming - a bit of fear at play????
    You could be right, but I do believe there are varying levels of physical attraction we all have to others. Objectively, some people are almost universally attractive, think A list actor types. Then some are probably almost universally unattractive.

    In regards to dating, I think the other person has to have an acceptable amount of attractiveness.

    Perhaps, I just feel really bad rejecting someone for a lack of physical attraction, when everything else seems perfect and Iím struggling to find a relationship. Perhaps, I wanted to see if it would change over time or challenge my notions about physical attraction or her not being my type wouldnít matter. Maybe I thought dating my type wasnít working so I should try something different?

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    So I have to go back where you said you had her over and was hoping for nothing more than a hand job? I am not really have alot of sympathy for you at this point. You aren't necessarily attracted to her but you were perfectly ok with her pleasuring you? What was in it for her exactly?

    You should have been more aware and responsible for your part in this. When she asked for exclusivity, you said yes. Why? Were you afraid she's stop doing what she was doing?
    I get that takes some self control. . but you are an adult afterall.
    I went into the night feeling unsure about things. To set matters straight, she invited me to her place for dinner and invited me to her bed. We had only made out before then. I felt comfortable with fingering her or getting an HJ. I should have expressed that. Easy said than done when a naked woman takes off your pants and starts giving you a BJ.

    Ultimately, I donít disagree, which is a why I feel so bad. It was a horrible thing to do. I had my hesitations and I didnít express them. Iíve genuinely enjoyed hanging out with her but I think something is a little lacking in the physical department. I donít think sheís an unattractive person by any means. Iím just an idiot.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    You could be right, but I do believe there are varying levels of physical attraction we all have to others. Objectively, some people are almost universally attractive, think A list actor types. Then some are probably almost universally unattractive.

    In regards to dating, I think the other person has to have an acceptable amount of attractiveness.

    Perhaps, I just feel really bad rejecting someone for a lack of physical attraction, when everything else seems perfect and Iím struggling to find a relationship. Perhaps, I wanted to see if it would change over time or challenge my notions about physical attraction or her not being my type wouldnít matter. Maybe I thought dating my type wasnít working so I should try something different?
    Well no - I might know that a certain actor is objectively attractive but doesn't mean at all we'd have chemistry. "Seems perfect" after five dates is really irrelevant - you don't know her enough to make that evaluation. Sounds like you're using her as a test for yourself and since she obviously is now attached to you that's probably not fair. It's not totally fair anyway but at least in the first handful of dates of course it's ok to date outside of typical "type" all else equal. But now it's unequal.

    This is not about "notions" of physical attraction -that's your head talking - that's analytical. Physical attraction can grow for sure. It even can happen out of nothing - like friendship suddenly caught on fire - but since you already know you're not that into her that way, it hasn't grown even though you had sex with her - then maybe find someone else to experiment on -it's not her fault you're "struggling" to find a relationship. It can be a real struggle -it was for me -but the physical attraction part should not be. I learned that the hard way. Too hard.

    Also you didn't respond about using protection -for sure if you're not sure about her then you're not sure about being the father of her child -or have you discussed what options you would have were she to become pregnant?

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Well no - I might know that a certain actor is objectively attractive but doesn't mean at all we'd have chemistry. "Seems perfect" after five dates is really irrelevant - you don't know her enough to make that evaluation. Sounds like you're using her as a test for yourself and since she obviously is now attached to you that's probably not fair. It's not totally fair anyway but at least in the first handful of dates of course it's ok to date outside of typical "type" all else equal. But now it's unequal.

    This is not about "notions" of physical attraction -that's your head talking - that's analytical. Physical attraction can grow for sure. It even can happen out of nothing - like friendship suddenly caught on fire - but since you already know you're not that into her that way, it hasn't grown even though you had sex with her - then maybe find someone else to experiment on -it's not her fault you're "struggling" to find a relationship. It can be a real struggle -it was for me -but the physical attraction part should not be. I learned that the hard way. Too hard.

    Also you didn't respond about using protection -for sure if you're not sure about her then you're not sure about being the father of her child -or have you discussed what options you would have were she to become pregnant?
    Yes, we did use protection.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    Yes, we did use protection.
    Cool. It's not foolproof. I raise that only because you're not that into her. So I'd do double protection -meaning she is on the pill too or a back up method - unless for some odd reason you know for sure she knows she would abort your child and you also are ok with that. I'm glad you used protection as far as lessening the risk of STDs- obviously if she is comfortable giving you oral sex after 5 dates and asking for exclusivity as an afterthought it's likely not her first time which increases the risk that she might have an std she can pass to you.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    When all is said and done, we don't have a set answer for you. This is just something you will have to navigate. I think you already know that you need to talk to her. If you are still interested in exploring this, invite her out to do some acitivity. Assure her that you are interested in her as an individual, but in the meantime agree that maybe it moved too fast and for the time being stay out of the bedroom.
    . . .side note, not sure why one would think being naked in bed and mutually satisfying each other is somehow any different then penetration. It's still an act of being sexually intimate and with that comes some responsibility on both your parts. It's not like it wouldn't count.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by dmveep
    You could be right, but I do believe there are varying levels of physical attraction we all have to others. Objectively, some people are almost universally attractive, think A list actor types.
    Let's unpack this for a minute.

    Sure, most "A list actor types" are quite attractive. But I bet if we line up 10 photos of famous women, I will be more drawn to some than you, and vise versa. That's all about as superficial as it gets, of course, but I think it gets to the beautiful mystery of attraction: that gut-churning, cheek-burning chemical stuff that is kind of there or not.

    You sound a bit stuck in your head, both the one above the shoulder and the one below the waistline. Maybe see about scraping away some of the corrosion connecting the two, and you'll find all thisóincluding awkward moments like thisóeasier to navigate from a place of authenticity.

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