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Hello everyone, I’m currently having a difficult situation with my future mother in law. My fiancé and I have been engaged for about two months and dating for about 2.5 years and have lived together for 1 year.

 

I met my fiancé’s family soon into our relationship but don’t feel we’ve ever spent very much time with them. I’ve always felt I was friendly towards his mom but will admit I can be shy when first meeting people. I don’t feel I’ve ever felt comfortable around her to really open up but again we haven’t spent very extended periods of times together nor do they come around very often to our house or vise versa.

 

I invited his parents to come look at a wedding venue with us as well as with my parents, I gave a date time and place. Turns out she forgot and didn’t end up coming, I had told my fiancé we should remind her but he felt she had all the necessary info and if it was important to her she should remember. We ended up booking the venue and texted her to let her know and asked what happened. She ignored his texts and he called two days later to see what happened. She became very upset on the phone, cried etc he apologized for not reminding her but explained that she hasn’t made an effort or really acted too happy about our engagement. She then claimed she doesn’t make an effort because “I’m hard to talk to and don’t say much and doesn’t feel I want to be close so she doesn’t try”. I didn’t get the full extent of the convo and can’t tell how much more was said but what I was told did hurt my feelings. My fiancé explained to her he notices she doesn’t make an effort with me and is very close to his brothers fiancé (she invites her places they do stuff one on one- she has never done this with me or even reached out). When we got engaged it took her two days to call and congratulate us, she did call me personally but I was offended it took so long. Come to find out she was upset she wasn’t involved in the proposal.

 

Anyways him and her had a heated discussion and he then told me too much of what she said which really upset me. I decided to shoot her a text and apologize if I ever gave the impression I didn’t want a relationship with her and that I hope we can all go check out the venue together soon and would really like to form a relationship. She received the text but never responded- this was earlier in the afternoon it is now 11 PM. I don’t really know where to go from her but I am becoming pretty upset about the whole thing. Any advice on what to do? I feel like throughout our relationship I have tried to step up and open lines of communication but haven’t gotten anything back but it sounds like she feels the same. My fiancé and I have a great relationship but I’m feeling some strain today over all of this, I can tell he’s upset about how his mom is acting but I feel he opened Pandora’s box but mentioning to his mom how she acts towards me.

 

Any advice is helpful

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Sorry you're going through this at a time that should be exciting and celebratory.

 

His mom sounds difficult. She wanted to be involved in the proposal? Good grief. Do you expect she might have "forgotten" on purpose to show up to the venue? It very much sounds like she is jealous of you and the fact that she doesn't have her son all to herself anymore and she's going to passive-aggressively make sure you know it. My assumption is that she intentionally didn't show up and waited to see if anyone would seek her out.

 

For what it's worth, I think you did the mature thing by reaching out to her. It's her problem if she wants to sulk and ignore you. Let her. I know it's not easy but you are going to have to draw your own line in the sand in dealing with her. You've tried to reestablish communication and she dropped the ball. I don't think there is much else you can or should do. Your fiance is going to need to stand up to her if he wants to see some positive changes, especially as wedding planning ramps up. She can either join in, or sit at home and pout, but i would not indulge the latter. I would let her stay home and be angry rather than trying to appease her and cause further chaos. I would also ask your fiance to keep further critiques of you (from her) to himself. There is no need to hear more details, now that you know that's up.

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I think it’s fine that she has a better connection with his brothers fiancée.

That’s probably a natural connection where yours isn’t. You can’t force these things.

 

She, I doubt is upset about not being involved in the proposal itself but more about how she found out how you were engaged? How did she? Because it certainly doesn’t sound like you phoned her to tell her which would have been the appropriate thing to do.

Instead you grumble about how it took HER two days to call you !? And you were offended???

I think she had more right to be offended tbh.

 

Why would you invite parents to check out a venue , unless of course they are paying?

 

I think she is right to not be so involved in the wedding plans.

Sounds like the kind of mother in law most people would want imo lol

 

To me it sounds like your fiancé is the one creating drama here.

And passing on misinterpreted conversations.

 

Is this poor communication on his end? Creating issues between you and his mother? For no valid reason?

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Let him deal with his mother. You can't force things. Be polite and respectful but realize that you don't have to like each other or be best friends. Your bf should not force you together.

 

Some parents simply never like thier children's partners. Don't jump through hoops or take anything personally. It's as much your bf and his mother's job to be civil with you. If she's not, let it go.

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If you are not besties with your in-law family this is ok. She is being rude , yes, but let him handle it. You have offered your olive branch and she is being childish. My in-laws and I have had a thin veil of politeness for over 30 years. We both can’t stand each other . For years this bothered me intently. But now they are extremely elderly and very frail and can’t do a thing to me.

 

So just don’t worry about it not everybody is meant to get along with their in-laws.

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I think it’s fine that she has a better connection with his brothers fiancée.

That’s probably a natural connection where yours isn’t. You can’t force these things.

 

She, I doubt is upset about not being involved in the proposal itself but more about how she found out how you were engaged? How did she? Because it certainly doesn’t sound like you phoned her to tell her which would have been the appropriate thing to do.

Instead you grumble about how it took HER two days to call you !? And you were offended???

I think she had more right to be offended tbh.

 

Why would you invite parents to check out a venue , unless of course they are paying?

 

I think she is right to not be so involved in the wedding plans.

Sounds like the kind of mother in law most people would want imo lol

 

To me it sounds like your fiancé is the one creating drama here.

And passing on misinterpreted conversations.

 

Is this poor communication on his end? Creating issues between you and his mother? For no valid reason?

 

 

I think you’re missing a lot of info. She explicitly said she was upset he proposed with out allowing her to plan a grand gesture “ I wanted to get a hot air balloon and you just went and did it your own way”. Even when congratulating me she mentioned she wanted to plan something huge. And yes we phoned her and she never answered and we texted and she didn’t reply.

 

My parents and us are paying, she expressed interest in wanting to help us look- hence the invite.

 

I don’t think my fiancé is the issue.

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I think you’re missing a lot of info. She explicitly said she was upset he proposed with out allowing her to plan a grand gesture “ I wanted to get a hot air balloon and you just went and did it your own way”. Even when congratulating me she mentioned she wanted to plan something huge. And yes we phoned her and she never answered and we texted and she didn’t reply.

 

My parents and us are paying, she expressed interest in wanting to help us look- hence the invite.

 

I don’t think my fiancé is the issue.

 

I didn’t miss out on any info in your opening post. At all.

 

You phoned her and she didn’t answer? Well then you don’t let others know about your engagement until you do speak to her and close family. His or yours. You or your fiancé texted her to tell her you were engaged?

 

I’m sorry but that is rude. Regardless of the fact that you couldn’t get hold of her on the phone. You could have texted with please call back, important news to share. Not a btw we are engaged.

 

It sounds like her response to her son about a hot air balloon was a sarcastic one not her actual sentiments.

 

Discuss with your fiancée before you label her the bad guy!

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I didn’t miss out on any info in your opening post. At all.

 

You phoned her and she didn’t answer? Well then you don’t let others know about your engagement until you do speak to her and close family. His or yours. You or your fiancé texted her to tell her you were engaged?

 

I’m sorry but that is rude. Regardless of the fact that you couldn’t get hold of her on the phone. You could have texted with please call back, important news to share. Not a btw we are engaged.

 

It sounds like her response to her son about a hot air balloon was a sarcastic one not her actual sentiments.

 

Discuss with your fiancée before you label her the bad guy!

 

Did I say I let others know? Lol. You are jumping to conclusions. We phoned- no answer, we sent pics what else are we supposed to do? We then FaceTimed with his sister who was with his mom but she didn’t say anything. She called back two days later and seemed genuinely happy for us and expressed wanting to be involved in the wedding planning.

 

Her response was not sarcastic at all and I heard it as well when she phoned me post engagement “me and Jennifer wanted to plan this whole thing we had so many ideas” (Jennifer being the sister) she is genuine about that truly wanted a big fiasco for the engagement even though my fiancé didn’t want that.

 

I clearly have discussed all this with my fiancé and that’s why I am here- to get unbiased opinions. He thinks his mom is being unusually strange about the whole situation.

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Sorry you're going through this at a time that should be exciting and celebratory.

 

His mom sounds difficult. She wanted to be involved in the proposal? Good grief. Do you expect she might have "forgotten" on purpose to show up to the venue? It very much sounds like she is jealous of you and the fact that she doesn't have her son all to herself anymore and she's going to passive-aggressively make sure you know it. My assumption is that she intentionally didn't show up and waited to see if anyone would seek her out.

 

For what it's worth, I think you did the mature thing by reaching out to her. It's her problem if she wants to sulk and ignore you. Let her. I know it's not easy but you are going to have to draw your own line in the sand in dealing with her. You've tried to reestablish communication and she dropped the ball. I don't think there is much else you can or should do. Your fiance is going to need to stand up to her if he wants to see some positive changes, especially as wedding planning ramps up. She can either join in, or sit at home and pout, but i would not indulge the latter. I would let her stay home and be angry rather than trying to appease her and cause further chaos. I would also ask your fiance to keep further critiques of you (from her) to himself. There is no need to hear more details, now that you know that's up.

 

Thank you I really appreciate your response.

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Ugh. What a tough and frustrating situation.

 

I think now's a great moment to remember what's important here: that you love your fiancé, that you're excited to be married to him, and that those truths are much, much bigger and more important than all this. Sounds like you two communicate well—you and him—so along with MissCanuck I'd just ask that he deal with further critiques of you on his own. You've handled all this very maturely and respectfully, so take comfort in that, even if his mother, for the time being, can't quite meet you on that plane. Maybe she will, in time, or maybe she won't. You stay open to that by staying on your authentic plane, not slipping a bit to try to make peace on hers, which doesn't sound like a very peaceful one.

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Yikes. A hot air balloon.

 

OK that aside. This is difficult and I'm sorry. Sounds like she wants to be mad, the harmed party... And that is really hard to fix.

 

I would probably look at her and this situation almost the way I deal with a child. Not offended, recognizing people are who they are, not expecting anything and not letting it effect me to her face. Don't cow down to her, begging her to work things out. Let your fiance deal with it but stay open to whatever...

 

At the end if the day, I would not want to do anything to further fuel the fire. Try to be the bigger person. Not reacting further, takes her power away. You extended the olive branch and its up to her to take it.

 

Use this to support your fiance. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate him and his support. He's not responsible for her actions. And as long as he's staying supportive of you, your relationships can endure this.

 

Its a shame she is choosing to be divisive. The only thing I would try to do is, if she does at some point open up, don't hold a grudge or be offended out of spite. An eye for an eye is only stooping to her level. Any benefit of the doubt is given not because of her. Rather out of love for your future hubs.

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I am not going to comment on your future mother in law situation as you have received some great advice.

 

What I will comment on is your responses to some of the comments you received.

 

Frankly you seem a little combative. You may very well disagree with the response which is perfectly fine but going to the trouble of pointing out how wrong the poster was is unnecessary.

 

There is an art to letting things go that are not worth getting bothered by. I believe it is a skill that will serve you well with your mother in law and in life.

 

Lost

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I am not going to comment on your future mother in law situation as you have received some great advice.

 

What I will comment on is your responses to some of the comments you received.

 

Frankly you seem a little combative. You may very well disagree with the response which is perfectly fine but going to the trouble of pointing out how wrong the poster was is unnecessary.

 

There is an art to letting things go that are not worth getting bothered by. I believe it is a skill that will serve you well with your mother in law and in life.

 

Lost

 

There is a difference between pointing out how someone is wrong and explaining further to provide more insight- this is what I did. I received remarks that I didn’t properly inform her of our engagement- that she was sarcastic she saying she wanted to be involved in it. I’m trying to receive un biased advice which involves disclosing as much information as possible. I never once said the user was wrong just said I didn’t feel my fiancé was the issue at hand. I think if I re read all the comments and my responses the one user in question gave off a much more negative tone than I did. But If you aren’t going to provide insight into the advice at hand I’m not sure why you decided to insert yourself.

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I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I think it is great that that you took the high road and sent the text.

 

I commend your bf for standing up to his mom, you have a good guy. Going forward, I would let him deal with her, she sounds like a handful.

 

I think it is ridiculous that she wanted to be involved in the engagement.

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I have a Son, and when he was planning on proposing he told me, I shed a tear, congratulated him and left him to plan this alone.

I have no idea why your future MIL thinks it was her job to plan balloon rides etc. It sounds like she likes to be centre of attention.

Just be aware that she will probably start some drama over the wedding planning & on the actual day. Just have a plan to try & minimise this if possible.

Good luck with her, I think you are going to need it

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First of all, congratulations on your engagement, the betrothed and upcoming nuptials!

 

I've been married for a long time and I have two sons so I can vouch for both sides of the fence.

 

Having been a young bride myself back in the day and having an initial rocky relationship with my MIL (mother-in-law), I suggest that you step back a bit meaning don't expect anything from your MIL regarding a sound, normal relationship, remain fair but not unfairly accommodating. I remember when my MIL was uncooperative with me, too.

 

You offered the courtesy to invite your future MIL to come look at the wedding venue, gave her the info about time and place yet she forgot and didn't attend. That's her loss. You did you part and she's the one who messed up. She ignored your fiance's text after the venue was booked. There's nothing you can do about her apathy and indifference.

 

She's probably taking your shyness and timidness as arrogance. It's easy to become misunderstood due to mixed signals behavior. It happens all the time. Sometimes I mistake people's silence for snobby behavior until I get to know them better. Perhaps you and your MIL need to become better acquainted over time. It won't happen overnight. Perhaps meet for a meal somewhere and go shopping together. Who knows? Both of you may even end up liking each other! Perhaps you need to reach out to her. Someone has to make the first move otherwise your relationship with her will continue to flounder. If she declines, then don't get upset. Always move on.

 

Don't be offended it took so long for her to congratulate you. Be grateful that she congratulated you; better late than never.

 

Don't be bothered that she was upset that she wasn't involved in the proposal. Don't give her upset your attention and energy it doesn't deserve.

 

It was incredibly gracious of you to apologize the way you did. Don't expect any type of response nor warmth from her otherwise you'll feel forever disappointed. She will ignore you so grow accustomed to it. It's the way of the world for many. Expect less from her and you'll hurt less or expect nothing and you won't get hurt at all. Chalk it up to human nature. So what if it's now 11PM? Let it go. Don't continue to be upset because your nerves are fraying at the edges. Be kind to yourself. Calm down.

 

Remain respectful, gracious, well mannered, gracious and kind always towards your future MIL. However, don't over do it nor go overboard. Know your limits. If she responds nicely, then great. If she has an uppity attitude, let her be. Don't try so hard to be well liked by her. Just be you, act natural and if she continues to act like a brat, there's nothing you can do about it. Either she'll come around someday or she'll continue to act like a spoiled brat.

 

Keep the peace, be a peaceful person, always remain gracious, kind, respectful, well mannered and it's all you can do. After that, you've done your part and learn to carry on with your life even if it means without her. It's her loss, not yours.

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What type of culture/background are you from? To me to be honest it sounds like the mother is acting overbearing and making it about her. In some cultures the parents' involvement in their children's life (even adult) is highly valued and expected, that includes being involved in wedding planning. However having lived in Australia for 23 years (moved from Eastern Europe), I find that in Western culture it is not expected r necessary for a mother to get very involved in her children's wedding and especially not to make it all about her.

 

This is actually YOUR special day and it's about YOU. And your fiance obviously. If your MIL is not paying for the wedding, it also doesn't matter what she thinks about the venue. It was really nice of you to include her but it was her that forgot to come.

 

The things she said about you are not nice at all. Even if she's not close to you, she knows her son loves you and chose you as his life companion. And you are part of the family. Her son is an adult and he has his own feelings about who's the right person for him. It doesn't matter if she clicks with you or not. Her job is just to be friendly and polite and not make you feel uncomfortable in the family. But so is your job. You need to just be polite and make as little conflict as possible. This is for the sake of your marriage and even your future children, if you decide to have them.

 

I would say continue being polite and include her (within reason). But remember she doesn't have overall say about your wedding, hot air balloons and the like. This is what YOU and your fiance want. She might think hot air balloons are amazing, but it's not up to her. Also don't take it personally if she's close to your brother-in-law's fiance. Unfortunately some people just get along better. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Your job is just to have a civil relationship with her and that's all.

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Just seems like a mountain being made out of a mole hill to me.

 

Instead of being an overbearing mother in law , she is actually not involving herself too much. Every daughter in laws dream.

Which seems to upset you more than it does her son.

He wasn’t too fussed about reminding her about the venue , why not?

 

And if you want to develop a relationship with her , then why ask your fiancé to remind her? Why not just remind her yourself? Without asking his permission?

 

Ok so she said she wanted to be involved with a tacky proposal?

Is that why your fiancé didn’t tell her his intent to propose to you?

What would he have said about her hot air balloon proposal?

 

Perhaps there is an issue between him and his mother?

What is it?

 

Your communication with her after almost 3 years is through your fiancé only? Why is that?

And all of a sudden you have direct communication with her after her son tells you about a private chat he had with her?

 

Sorry, but I don’t get it. I think there is information you have left out of this thread. Because it doesn’t add up.

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Just seems like a mountain being made out of a mole hill to me.

 

Instead of being an overbearing mother in law , she is actually not involving herself too much. Every daughter in laws dream.

Which seems to upset you more than it does her son.

He wasn’t too fussed about reminding her about the venue , why not?

 

And if you want to develop a relationship with her , then why ask your fiancé to remind her? Why not just remind her yourself? Without asking his permission?

 

Ok so she said she wanted to be involved with a tacky proposal?

Is that why your fiancé didn’t tell her his intent to propose to you?

What would he have said about her hot air balloon proposal?

 

Perhaps there is an issue between him and his mother?

What is it?

 

Your communication with her after almost 3 years is through your fiancé only? Why is that?

And all of a sudden you have direct communication with her after her son tells you about a private chat he had with her?

 

Sorry, but I don’t get it. I think there is information you have left out of this thread. Because it doesn’t add up.

 

I think she’s petty, she expresses wanting to be involved but doesn’t make an effort and expects us to do the work to include her. He didn’t want to remind her because he wanted to see if she would remember- he was incredibly upset she forgot. Ultimately it’s his mom, he wanted to see if she would remember so I agreed we wouldn’t remind her.

 

She knew he had a ring and planned to propose but then he proposed suddenly just between him and I- which upset her, I’m not sure why it upset her but it did.

 

 

We communicate via text and phone call but not often, my fiancé and her as well in general they don’t talk much maybe 3 times a month. I mentioned I invited her personally, that we talked personally after the proposal- my text two days ago was not the first line in direct communication but again we don’t talk much.

 

The issue between him and his mother is that she expects a lot but doesn’t put effort in herself but then gets upset- he’s trying to break that or atleast meet halfway. I’m close with my family see them often, he is not and quite frankly we only seem to see them when they need something from him. I’ve always felt they take advantage of him financially.

 

After almost three years of course there’s more to the story then what I have time to write in an online form. I think I got enough responses to help me feel better and guide me in some direction

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I think she’s petty, she expresses wanting to be involved but doesn’t make an effort and expects us to do the work to include her. He didn’t want to remind her because he wanted to see if she would remember- he was incredibly upset she forgot. Ultimately it’s his mom, he wanted to see if she would remember so I agreed we wouldn’t remind her.

 

She knew he had a ring and planned to propose but then he proposed suddenly just between him and I- which upset her, I’m not sure why it upset her but it did.

 

 

We communicate via text and phone call but not often, my fiancé and her as well in general they don’t talk much maybe 3 times a month. I mentioned I invited her personally, that we talked personally after the proposal- my text two days ago was not the first line in direct communication but again we don’t talk much.

 

The issue between him and his mother is that she expects a lot but doesn’t put effort in herself but then gets upset- he’s trying to break that or atleast meet halfway. I’m close with my family see them often, he is not and quite frankly we only seem to see them when they need something from him. I’ve always felt they take advantage of him financially.

 

After almost three years of course there’s more to the story then what I have time to write in an online form. I think I got enough responses to help me feel better and guide me in some direction

 

It's ridiculous the MIL got upset that your fiance proposed to you "just between you". Of course he did! You propose just with your partner there, you don't invite anyone else! Did she want him to organise a dinner and she would be sitting with you at the table too while he proposed? It doesn't even make sense why she would be upset at this. You are adults and you're allowed to live your own life as a couple. You don't have to report to her about every single thing you're doing and include her in literally everything. Especially because she doesn't make much effort to be nice and actually reach out to you. But because it's not your mother, I think your best course of action is just politeness and to stay out of it. You are stuck with her now because you're getting married to her son. I think you need to try to make this as pleasant as possible and not have any tensions.

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So you two aren't chummy and she didn't get to plan some proposal gesture or see the wedding venue. It is what it is. She was invited, so it's not like anyone snubbed her. It'd be nice if she came but I'm not seeing any cause for her being obligated to it.

 

You'll have plenty of years to have or not have a normal relationship with her. Nobody's in any position. If your fiance wants to make it a big deal, let him. Don't volunteer to be involved in it and assert your boundaries if he tries to drag you into it. There's really no need for the drama. And yes, if these are things he can't let go or let her say without having it spill into your relationship, it very much is an issue with him, as obnoxious as her behavior may be. Focus on your end of things as you prepare for your big day.

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