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Thread: Fiancés mom

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Sorry you're going through this at a time that should be exciting and celebratory.

    His mom sounds difficult. She wanted to be involved in the proposal? Good grief. Do you expect she might have "forgotten" on purpose to show up to the venue? It very much sounds like she is jealous of you and the fact that she doesn't have her son all to herself anymore and she's going to passive-aggressively make sure you know it. My assumption is that she intentionally didn't show up and waited to see if anyone would seek her out.

    For what it's worth, I think you did the mature thing by reaching out to her. It's her problem if she wants to sulk and ignore you. Let her. I know it's not easy but you are going to have to draw your own line in the sand in dealing with her. You've tried to reestablish communication and she dropped the ball. I don't think there is much else you can or should do. Your fiance is going to need to stand up to her if he wants to see some positive changes, especially as wedding planning ramps up. She can either join in, or sit at home and pout, but i would not indulge the latter. I would let her stay home and be angry rather than trying to appease her and cause further chaos. I would also ask your fiance to keep further critiques of you (from her) to himself. There is no need to hear more details, now that you know that's up.
    Thank you I really appreciate your response.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by cotalava
    I think so too, just hate being in this position
    I hear you I have been the “ enemy “ for 32 years.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ugh. What a tough and frustrating situation.

    I think now's a great moment to remember what's important here: that you love your fiancé, that you're excited to be married to him, and that those truths are much, much bigger and more important than all this. Sounds like you two communicate well—you and him—so along with MissCanuck I'd just ask that he deal with further critiques of you on his own. You've handled all this very maturely and respectfully, so take comfort in that, even if his mother, for the time being, can't quite meet you on that plane. Maybe she will, in time, or maybe she won't. You stay open to that by staying on your authentic plane, not slipping a bit to try to make peace on hers, which doesn't sound like a very peaceful one.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Yikes. A hot air balloon.

    OK that aside. This is difficult and I'm sorry. Sounds like she wants to be mad, the harmed party... And that is really hard to fix.

    I would probably look at her and this situation almost the way I deal with a child. Not offended, recognizing people are who they are, not expecting anything and not letting it effect me to her face. Don't cow down to her, begging her to work things out. Let your fiance deal with it but stay open to whatever...

    At the end if the day, I would not want to do anything to further fuel the fire. Try to be the bigger person. Not reacting further, takes her power away. You extended the olive branch and its up to her to take it.

    Use this to support your fiance. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate him and his support. He's not responsible for her actions. And as long as he's staying supportive of you, your relationships can endure this.

    Its a shame she is choosing to be divisive. The only thing I would try to do is, if she does at some point open up, don't hold a grudge or be offended out of spite. An eye for an eye is only stooping to her level. Any benefit of the doubt is given not because of her. Rather out of love for your future hubs.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I am not going to comment on your future mother in law situation as you have received some great advice.

    What I will comment on is your responses to some of the comments you received.

    Frankly you seem a little combative. You may very well disagree with the response which is perfectly fine but going to the trouble of pointing out how wrong the poster was is unnecessary.

    There is an art to letting things go that are not worth getting bothered by. I believe it is a skill that will serve you well with your mother in law and in life.

    Lost

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    I am not going to comment on your future mother in law situation as you have received some great advice.

    What I will comment on is your responses to some of the comments you received.

    Frankly you seem a little combative. You may very well disagree with the response which is perfectly fine but going to the trouble of pointing out how wrong the poster was is unnecessary.

    There is an art to letting things go that are not worth getting bothered by. I believe it is a skill that will serve you well with your mother in law and in life.

    Lost
    There is a difference between pointing out how someone is wrong and explaining further to provide more insight- this is what I did. I received remarks that I didn’t properly inform her of our engagement- that she was sarcastic she saying she wanted to be involved in it. I’m trying to receive un biased advice which involves disclosing as much information as possible. I never once said the user was wrong just said I didn’t feel my fiancé was the issue at hand. I think if I re read all the comments and my responses the one user in question gave off a much more negative tone than I did. But If you aren’t going to provide insight into the advice at hand I’m not sure why you decided to insert yourself.

  8. #17
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    I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I think it is great that that you took the high road and sent the text.

    I commend your bf for standing up to his mom, you have a good guy. Going forward, I would let him deal with her, she sounds like a handful.

    I think it is ridiculous that she wanted to be involved in the engagement.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I have a Son, and when he was planning on proposing he told me, I shed a tear, congratulated him and left him to plan this alone.
    I have no idea why your future MIL thinks it was her job to plan balloon rides etc. It sounds like she likes to be centre of attention.
    Just be aware that she will probably start some drama over the wedding planning & on the actual day. Just have a plan to try & minimise this if possible.
    Good luck with her, I think you are going to need it

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    First of all, congratulations on your engagement, the betrothed and upcoming nuptials!

    I've been married for a long time and I have two sons so I can vouch for both sides of the fence.

    Having been a young bride myself back in the day and having an initial rocky relationship with my MIL (mother-in-law), I suggest that you step back a bit meaning don't expect anything from your MIL regarding a sound, normal relationship, remain fair but not unfairly accommodating. I remember when my MIL was uncooperative with me, too.

    You offered the courtesy to invite your future MIL to come look at the wedding venue, gave her the info about time and place yet she forgot and didn't attend. That's her loss. You did you part and she's the one who messed up. She ignored your fiance's text after the venue was booked. There's nothing you can do about her apathy and indifference.

    She's probably taking your shyness and timidness as arrogance. It's easy to become misunderstood due to mixed signals behavior. It happens all the time. Sometimes I mistake people's silence for snobby behavior until I get to know them better. Perhaps you and your MIL need to become better acquainted over time. It won't happen overnight. Perhaps meet for a meal somewhere and go shopping together. Who knows? Both of you may even end up liking each other! Perhaps you need to reach out to her. Someone has to make the first move otherwise your relationship with her will continue to flounder. If she declines, then don't get upset. Always move on.

    Don't be offended it took so long for her to congratulate you. Be grateful that she congratulated you; better late than never.

    Don't be bothered that she was upset that she wasn't involved in the proposal. Don't give her upset your attention and energy it doesn't deserve.

    It was incredibly gracious of you to apologize the way you did. Don't expect any type of response nor warmth from her otherwise you'll feel forever disappointed. She will ignore you so grow accustomed to it. It's the way of the world for many. Expect less from her and you'll hurt less or expect nothing and you won't get hurt at all. Chalk it up to human nature. So what if it's now 11PM? Let it go. Don't continue to be upset because your nerves are fraying at the edges. Be kind to yourself. Calm down.

    Remain respectful, gracious, well mannered, gracious and kind always towards your future MIL. However, don't over do it nor go overboard. Know your limits. If she responds nicely, then great. If she has an uppity attitude, let her be. Don't try so hard to be well liked by her. Just be you, act natural and if she continues to act like a brat, there's nothing you can do about it. Either she'll come around someday or she'll continue to act like a spoiled brat.

    Keep the peace, be a peaceful person, always remain gracious, kind, respectful, well mannered and it's all you can do. After that, you've done your part and learn to carry on with your life even if it means without her. It's her loss, not yours.

  11. #20
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    What type of culture/background are you from? To me to be honest it sounds like the mother is acting overbearing and making it about her. In some cultures the parents' involvement in their children's life (even adult) is highly valued and expected, that includes being involved in wedding planning. However having lived in Australia for 23 years (moved from Eastern Europe), I find that in Western culture it is not expected r necessary for a mother to get very involved in her children's wedding and especially not to make it all about her.

    This is actually YOUR special day and it's about YOU. And your fiance obviously. If your MIL is not paying for the wedding, it also doesn't matter what she thinks about the venue. It was really nice of you to include her but it was her that forgot to come.

    The things she said about you are not nice at all. Even if she's not close to you, she knows her son loves you and chose you as his life companion. And you are part of the family. Her son is an adult and he has his own feelings about who's the right person for him. It doesn't matter if she clicks with you or not. Her job is just to be friendly and polite and not make you feel uncomfortable in the family. But so is your job. You need to just be polite and make as little conflict as possible. This is for the sake of your marriage and even your future children, if you decide to have them.

    I would say continue being polite and include her (within reason). But remember she doesn't have overall say about your wedding, hot air balloons and the like. This is what YOU and your fiance want. She might think hot air balloons are amazing, but it's not up to her. Also don't take it personally if she's close to your brother-in-law's fiance. Unfortunately some people just get along better. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Your job is just to have a civil relationship with her and that's all.

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