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Thread: Iíve (22M) been having problem with my girlfriend (22F) of a year and half.

  1. #1

    Iíve (22M) been having problem with my girlfriend (22F) of a year and half.

    My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and 4 months, and were in a Ďcomplicatedí friendship for 2 years before that. We come from a society where dating is frowned upon, so only our mothers and some other friends and family from her side know of the relationship, and this is the first relationship either of us has been in. Because of that too, we donít get to go out on dates often to avoid being seen together (especially now with COVID; we havenít seen eachother IRL since the day the lockdown started). So our relationship borders on an LDR.

    For most of this year and a half, the relationship has been fulfilling. We have similar values and backgrounds yet different personalities (Iím an extroverted-introvert, sheís an extrovert). She loves me a lot and indirectly pushes me to become a more accomplished man, while I help keep her grounded and supported.

    However, as our relationship progressed I noticed my feeling for her were waning. The butterflies were rarely felt anymore and while I still loved her lots, it wasnít the same way it was before. She noticed I was upset once while we were out and after insisting that I tell her whatís wrong, I gave in and told her how I was worried about these feelings and that we should something new to rekindle our love. She pretended it was fine but then when we were home she texted me paragraphs about how sheís suffering because I donít love her anymore. All my attempts to console her and tell her that I do indeed still love her failed and she refused to listen to me. That eventully resolved afterwards and we made new steps to advance and better our relationship.

    But since then whenever I was feeling a little down while we were talking (which is often cause I was diagnosed with depression many years back) sheíd immediately assume itís because I donít love her anymore and starts downplaying and devaluing herself and often insulting and blaming me. I do my best to reassure her but to no avail. Eventually I get mad too and we stop talking, only for her to apologise for her behaviour the next day. We decide together on a few changes weíd make to prevent future misunderstandings from happening and move on normally with our relationship. But afterwards everytime something like this happens I start questioning how healthy our relationship is and consequently fall a little out of love with her, but I never told her about that.

    Time passes with problems every now and then, until a couple days ago when both a friend and my girlfriend wanted to talk to me, and I prioritised my girlfriend and told my friend to hold on for a bit. She was having issues with her dad and wanted to vent so I was there for her. She stopped texting then told me her mom wanted to talk to her. I told her to take her time and I made the mistake of calling up my friend like I promised, without telling her that Iíll be gone. During our call I got distracted and forgot that I hadnít told her that. As soon as I was done I talked to her (she thought I fell asleep) and apologised and explained to her that it was an honest mistake and she has every right to be upset. She said it was fine (but didnít sound like it). We chatted and flirted for a bit and then went to sleep. The next day we try and arrange a (difficult) meeting IRL during the next week and I tell her that Iíll try and make it work. Suddenly, she gets mad at me saying how I donít want to see her and she brings up what happened yesterday and begins arguing, I stayed calm until she said ĎDonít blame me if I vent to (male friend), he wouldnít leave me unlike youí and I got completely fed up and told her we were done.

    We argued some more after that and she blocked me then unblocked me 30 minutes afterwards. She apologised and I told her that we need a break to reconsider our relationship. She didnít entirely agree and told me she still loved me so much (then insulted me again, saying Iím not a man cause Iím not serious about our relationship, then subsequently said that I deserve someone better than her anyways). Weíre currently on a break for the next few days to let the emotions settle and think on what happened.

    My issue is how since the first incident, sheís become more emotional and often violent towards me. Seeing that side made me begin questioning our relationship despite all the good things in it. I still care, love, and put effort but admittedly not as much as I used to. I prioritise her but I give other people attention too, as sometimes she wants my attention over the phone for a long portion of the day.

    I also canít get to her when sheís emotional, and during arguments she keeps flipping back and forth between saying that Iím amazing and she loves me and borderline insulting me. It gets confusing and just tiring.

    I understand that she loves me, but after the things she said I donít know what to do. Do I give this relationship another chance? Or do I just painfully end it and hope itís for the best?

    I apologise for the wall of text, thereís still more but I already put down a lot to read. I hope I can get insight from other peopleís perspectives.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How would she react if you tried to end things?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Where do you live that you cant date but you have good English grammar and spelling?

    I think you need a new girlfriend, this current one is just too emotional and all over the map.

  4. #4
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    This is not a healthy relationship. Time to move on.

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  6. #5
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. How would she react if you tried to end things?
    She definitely wouldnít take it well, which is something that worries me. Sheís been going through a rough patch too and leaving her would devastate her for a while. Sheís strong enough to eventually get back on her feet but itíll take some time and weíre going through a critical part of our studies/careers.

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Where do you live that you cant date but you have good English grammar and spelling?

    I think you need a new girlfriend, this current one is just too emotional and all over the map.
    Iíll take that as a compliment, thank you! English is my second language and my parents reinforced my language learning too.

    If I leave her then Iím likely to not enter another relationship until traditional engagement -> marriage. I find a lot of desirable traits in her (e.g. we understand each other most of the time, can hold a conversation for a long time, have interest in the hobbies of one another) but itís the matter of weighing those against the undesirables that I have difficulty doing.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I could say a lot here, but I'll start with a little.

    Question: Is there any connection between the way she's behaving latelyóthe emotional volatility, the weaponizing of insecurity, the unhinged immaturity, and so onówith the "waning" feelings you vocalized?

    I ask because it's much easier to say "the butterflies are goneólet's rekindle them" than to say something like: now that we've spent more time together, and that early rush of pheromonal juju is leveling off, I'm realizing you're prone to acting in ways that suffocate my butterflies and I'm kind of freaking out. No different than how it's easier to go on a "break" than to "breakup," even though breaking things, in most contexts, is rarely a way for them to get stronger.

    I can only imagine how hard this is, what with feeling that this is your one shot at dating before being placed on a more traditional trajectory. But, at least going from what you've written, it doesn't sound like you guys bring out the best in each other, particularly when things get a little edgy. Life is very edgy, mind you, and the edge only gets sharper with time, so it might be best to use this time to reflect on what the equation of you + her = in terms of your mutual sense of confidence and harmony.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    So if you dump this girl, is an arranged marriage next for you?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Throwaway391
    My issue is how since the first incident, sheís become more emotional and often violent towards me.
    There is never any excuse for violence in a relationship, OP.

    You need to end this. It's toxic.

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I could say a lot here, but I'll start with a little.

    Question: Is there any connection between the way she's behaving latelyóthe emotional volatility, the weaponizing of insecurity, the unhinged immaturity, and so onówith the "waning" feelings you vocalized?

    I ask because it's much easier to say "the butterflies are goneólet's rekindle them" than to say something like: now that we've spent more time together, and that early rush of pheromonal juju is leveling off, I'm realizing you're prone to acting in ways that suffocate my butterflies and I'm kind of freaking out. No different than how it's easier to go on a "break" than to "breakup," even though breaking things, in most contexts, is rarely a way for them to get stronger.

    I can only imagine how hard this is, what with feeling that this is your one shot at dating before being placed on a more traditional trajectory. But, at least going from what you've written, it doesn't sound like you guys bring out the best in each other, particularly when things get a little edgy. Life is very edgy, mind you, and the edge only gets sharper with time, so it might be best to use this time to reflect on what the equation of you + her = in terms of your mutual sense of confidence and harmony.
    Initially when we were only friends, she had similar moments in which she behaved aggressive towards me. According to her, she realised she was slowly falling in love with me, which she didnít want to happen due to worries about the outlook of society around us (especially around her) on dating. She would get emotional over this and sometimes aggressive, but never to the same extent nor frequency as she does now.

    As for me, I wasnít particularly looking for a relationship (at least thatís what I think, in retrospect maybe itís what I secretly wanted). I did love her and when we moved from a friendship to a romantic relationship I was definitely happy. Maybe the pheromones and the excitement of a relationship made me overlook her occassional undesirable behaviours, or maybe I thought that this is a normal part of a relationship; to encounter obstacles and fix them together until we achieve a better level of understanding, acceptance, and compromise. Either way I can clearly see now that I canít withstand more of these arguments.

    Honestly going through the traditional path isnít all too bad. I would still Ďdateí before continuing to engagement and marriage, and I could still find someone through my initial career years that I would fully date. I just donít know whether I should continue on the grounds that we work together to fix whatís broken, or end the relationship altogether.

    Thanks for the reply. If you have more questions and insights then Iíd love to hear them.

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