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Thread: Iíve (22M) been having problem with my girlfriend (22F) of a year and half.

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    So if you dump this girl, is an arranged marriage next for you?
    Not necessarily. I could still potentially find someone that I would date during the initial years of my career. Also, Ďarrangedí was the poor term to use on my part. Traditional marriage here isnít as suffocating and limiting as it may sound, but it isnít the same as dating freely. Both have their advantages and disadvantages to be honest.

  2. #12
    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    There is never any excuse for violence in a relationship, OP.

    You need to end this. It's toxic.
    I understand that. But it isnít physical nor emotional violence, itís more of aggression during arguments which I assumed is normal of most relationships when things are getting heated. Am I wrong in making that assumption or is there more to it that what it seems to me?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Throwaway.

    There is nothing "normal" about aggression.

    You remarked, among other things:

    "...then insulted me again, saying Iím not a man cause Iím not serious about our relationship",

    She seems rather unhinged, and I would agree with the posters who advise you to end this situation.

    Besides, you are only twenty-two. Why would you want to tie yourself up - arranged or otherwise - at such a young age?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So, from the very beginning, you learned that her way of dealing with complex emotionsóthe churn of big human feelingsóis to lash out and demean the person connected to those feelings, then ask to be soothed by the person (you) she's just cut down. Not good. Never good. Alas, in those early days, particularly when we don't have a ton of experience in dating, that behavior can seem almost complimentaryóan extension of "passion," or some such.

    Trouble is, what we validate in the beginning only expands over time. Think this is a bit of what you're discovering, and what once felt like passion is now a dampener to it, to say nothing of a hindrance to sincere, mature connection. You're using the word "love" a lot in these posts, and I don't want to minimize it. But I do want to stress that jealousy is not love, and nor is possession. That's all ego, not heart. Like other corrosive feelingsóguilt and shame, sayóthey are like little toxins that poison love, shrinking it down to the point where it stops growing or grows into some mangled shadow of its more glorious form.

    No doubt part of being in a relationship is confronting "obstacles" and working on "fixing" them together. But for that to actually occur? You need two functional people operating inside a functional relationship. I'm not sure that's the case here, as a certain level of dysfunction has been validated as an essential ingredient of your bond.

    You've got around 60 more years to be alive, and in the scheme of things you've been an adult for five minutes. Do know that adulthood, and adult relationships, don't have to feel like manual labor. I get that there are some cultural components to this that are probably outside my understanding, but I'm a believer that happiness and harmony are pretty universal sensations. Perhaps you could both use some time to grow into yourselves, on your own, to be able to achieve that alongside another?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Go with the traditional approach. You need to end it with her. You have had adequate time to see how she is in various settings and marrying someone like this would insure your unhappiness. Simply tell her your family wants you to go with the traditional approach and you need to end things. This will help diffuse things.
    Originally Posted by Throwaway391
    Honestly going through the traditional path isnít all too bad. I would still Ďdateí before continuing to engagement and marriage, and I could still find someone through my initial career years that I would fully date.

  7. #16
    Thank you to everyone for your replies. After much contemplation, I ended the relationship today. I tried my best to keep it as mature and painless as can be, but she didnít take it well at all to say the least. I hope this leads to the happiness of the both of us, with other people and better lives.

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