Roommate relationship turned disaster

I posted a while back about finding myself in a situationship with a 47 yo divorce with 4 kids. Much of the advice for myself was to steer clear and find a new roommate which for various reasons did not work out.

I stayed, and yes-i did continue to sleep with him from time to time, mostly because of validation, being somewhat attracted, feeling insecure doesnt really matter at this point MONTHS AGO A small part of me thought it would lead somewhere, it did..basically into an wildfire that burned everything down.

First it was him getting more and more distant, no conversation (hes very quiet), cold shoulder, no acknowledgement, he would sit on his chair, bible in hand looking pretty sullen. This is going on for months. I stopped sleeping with him for MONTHS. When his parents came over the other day i got this weird feeling,and a few days ago I texted him asking if he had told anyone about us having a physical relationship-which I had made CLEAR i did not want anyone including his parents to know.

And yes-he has told everyone, his excuse was because of teh guilt he felt which he followed up with "im telling you as a friend, you would do better to take more responsibility" I dont understand what his description of a friend is and the problem is-I dont feel as much guilt because I liked him for reasons other than lust, his was probably just lust/attraction since he made no effort to take me out anywhere besides the park. Furious that he had gone out of his way to give out details, I told him that I don't want to have anything to do with him EVER.

My question is -Why does a grown man feel better about disrespecting another person, to remove some of his own guilt by telling other people about it? What are your thoughts? was he within his right to do this? I feel bitter and betrayed. Even though its been months since we had a physical relationship, I still did not want to have to deal with the judgement of other people knowing. I am angry that he knew that I would be totally opposed to this, he did it.

I know the same people who responded to the intial post will have the same solution which is to move out. That will happen in the future. Right now its not possible.

How can I make this situation work for me? I dont want him to be telling people about me? is he doing this on purpose?

Can you afford to move out? Unfortunately he can talk to whoever he wants about whatever he wants. Why does your relationship have to be secret?

No, not yet. Yes-thats true. I have told him to respect my wishes and not do that!

Well, everyone should be able to tell their family whatever they like.

If you knew how little time people spent thinking about what you did or didn't do, you'd be surprised. So he told people, so what? You told him not to, but he did. Shows he cant be trusted.

You need to move out asap, even if just into a room somewhere.

Move back in with your mother. He doesn't want to play house. Hanging out there pretending to be a GF but not really is making you unhappy.

There's a lot of mention of bibles, lust, guilt, secrecy about sex,etc. Is this a cult?

Yet you are in this nebulous roommates with benefits arrangement.

Do you pay rent? Or is it expected that you babysit,clean and have sex in exchange for that? Why bother staying there?

NO its not anything like that. Right now im in the East Coast. my mom is far. Yes I pay rent its lower for my area, but higher than what he initially told me. Im in a safe area of Chicago and like i said its difficult for me to consider moving right now. Its not like we were together 24/7

He was completely fine having sex the first times we did it, now hes burdened with guilt? Don't really understand. Not trying to change his thought process, just trying to understand him.

you're right. i have never expected anything from him. The least he could do is keep it between us. But he can't even honor that.

Don't bother trying to understand him. Just live your own life. Stop sleeping with him or trying to have a relationship. Act like roommates and stop playing house. Who cares what he tells his people?

. Right now im in the East Coast. Im in a safe area of Chicago.

None of us can control anyone else's private conversations. Period.

Don't bother trying to understand him. Just live your own life. Stop sleeping with him or trying to have a relationship. Act like roommates and stop playing house. Who cares what he tells his people?

And I'll add.. don't do things you have to hide.

I agree....if you have to keep it a secret, then you shouldn't be doing it.

What I don't understand is what's going on on both sides, his alleged guilt and your desire for secrecy. Neither one of you did anything wrong, so why all this angst?

I can almost understand his side better in terms of being recently divorced and perhaps processing a lot of emotions about that and feeling maybe odd about having sex with a new person. Can also understand him talking about that with family and friends.

That said, you are both single adults free to do as you please and you said yourself that you had your reasons, he had his - mostly you were both lonely and seeking some validation. So you had a brief romance that didn't last. What's to hide about that? Why do you seem so embarrassed about it?

I get the sense that you are engaging in some self judgment that others wouldn't even think about. Like if a friend told me that she is sleeping with her roommate, most reaction from me would be along the lines of a shrug and maybe a question about how serious they are or if it's just fun for now. People don't care about your private life as much as you imagine. They don't want you to get hurt and might give advice accordingly, but ultimately, you are an adult making your own choices, living your life.

Why does a grown woman have a "roommate" situation with a grown man and have sex with him with no sort of prior romantic relationship or boundaries? You have to own your part - you gave unattached sex hoping it would turn into more and surprise -- it didn't. You gave him convenient sex. So own that, and because it was casual, he is not obligated to treat it as sacred. So please find another living arrangement. It will prevent you from constantly dissecting this

I didnt expect anything from him. I already knew it was going to work out. Its how he treated me afterward which I did not understand or expect

When I confronted him through text messages about the fact the should stop spreading my business around, he even told his parents. I dont get it either! I dont know why he needs to tell everyone about it i think its really strange.

I did confront him rudely, and he said he wants me OUT. He said he doesnt want me to stay in his place anymore. But as soon as his ex-wife found out about the situation, she called me and said therewas no way he was going to kick me out, i should move when I am ready since my professional life is breaking down right now.

She was understanding of the situation but I cannot believe how immature/disturbed he has been acting over this.

I know but I am going thru an appeals process with my school to see I can continue, in a few weeks I should know better what direction It will go. When I get a decision I will 1. stay in chicago, move out 2. move back home.

It doesn't make sense to move out to a new rental agreement in Chicago if I may have to move home in the next few weeks. And he told me he wants me OUT. He knows I have alot of stress on me rn and the fact that he was so inconsiderate about this shows his true nature.

Don't panic. Move out one way or the other. How long until you can determine if you are staying in Chicago?

Why would you have a discussion with his ex-wife?

as soon as his ex-wife found out about the situation, she called me and said there was no way he was going to kick me out. She was understanding of the situation but I cannot believe how immature/disturbed he has been acting over this.

 

When I get a decision I will 1. stay in chicago, move out 2. move back home.

I didnt expect anything from him. I already knew it was going to work out. Its how he treated me afterward which I did not understand or expect

You KNEW it was going to work it? Sounds like it didn't...

I know but I am going thru an appeals process with my school to see I can continue, in a few weeks I should know better what direction It will go. When I get a decision I will 1. stay in chicago, move out 2. move back home.

 

It doesn't make sense to move out to a new rental agreement in Chicago if I may have to move home in the next few weeks. And he told me he wants me OUT. He knows I have alot of stress on me rn and the fact that he was so inconsiderate about this shows his true nature.

Then move back home. Big deal. You entered a roommate situation that was dicey at best. Go back home and regroup unless you have a job that you are currently working at daily.

I am I'm the process of getting a job.

We had a discussion because we both thought he cornered me and was acting agitated wanted me out asap because she wants to buy a house which means he will need to sell his house to give her money. So we thought he was stressed because of that. I didnt realize he hated me so much all of a sudden.

I meant I knew it wasn't going anywhere.

No. Moving back home isn't a option for me. Moving out once I can is the best option for me rn

Hes going to have to deal with it

Hes the one who invited me here in the first place so he will have to give me time to move.

No. Moving back home isn't a option for me. Moving out once I can is the best option for me rn

Hes going to have to deal with it

Hes the one who invited me here in the first place so he will have to give me time to move.

He invited, but you accepted. Take ownership of your choices from here on out...