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Wife left with children, but I can't hate her


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Hello. I've been married to my wife for just three years and together for 6 altogether. We have two young daughters, 2 and 4 years of age. For the last 2 years we have been in constant arguments and bickering and I haven't been happy for the majority of this time. We sleep separately (me on the sofa) and she's been telling me she doesn't love me for about a year (she stopped wearing her ring at about the same time). Last week, I found out she was on dating sites and has been "sexting" various men (which she has never done before, not even with me). Last Sunday, she just left with out girls and moved into her mum's (they took the girls mattresses and put them on the living room floor there). She is now refusing me access to the girls saying I can't be trusted, but I have never done anything to hurt her or the girls. I'm now going through solicitors and potentially the courts to sort out access.

The trouble is, I can't stop wallowing and thinking of her. I still love her and even though I've been so unhappy, I can't bare the thought of being alone on our flat, surrounded by all her bits. I'm totally cut up and feel so weak, I'm struggling to even muster the energy to fight for my girls. I've not eaten anything other than the odd yogurt since last Sunday and I can't snap out of this. I'm terrified of being alone and seeing her move on with her life. I know there's no chance of us getting back together, so I don't know what I can do. I've been denying the marriage was over for so many months (she has been asking me to leave since January) and now I'm just a complete mess!

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What does she mean by you can't be trusted?

 

Because she thinks I'm going to take the girls and not bring them back (which I wouldn't do). There has been issues with us and yes, I've done some silly things (not cheated or anything like that) but nothing that I've done has shown I'm a danger to the girls or a bad parent! The things that have happened between us for her to not trust me might be for a divorce court, but certainly not for a child access case. I've been so unhappy over the last two years, but the thought of being alone terrifies me and hurts me so much. I'd rather be arguing with her all day (not Infront of the girls!)

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I'm very sorry to hear this. Separation and acceptance that the marriage is over, not surprisingly, may be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your life. Your kids deserve a father that's in good shape to play with and learn from. The longer you stay in this situation, in limbo, the worse it gets especially if there is no hope for reconciliation.

 

She has already left the marriage. Speak to a counsellor on your own or find a good therapist. What helped me for a short while was group therapy but that's another story. You'll have to come to terms with what's going on and the sooner the better.

 

I agree about speaking with a lawyer because you have kids together. When I was in the early stages of separation, all the places I thought I'd be able to find answers, did not have any answers. That darkness was all-encompassing and there was absolutely no way out but through it. Eventually you'll find the answers and start bridging new thoughts, new connections and in that journey, you'll also cross over into a new world and a new chapter of your life but there is a way out and that means being honest with yourself and your family that it's over.

 

It's a long and horrible journey but you'll get there. It's time to start.

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I'm sorry... You said you've been denial about the marriage and you'd rather be arguing than alone.

 

As much as this hurts and upset as you are, these feelings are actually not what is best for the children or for you.

 

As impossible as it feels right now. You can and will get on with life. You have to. You just need some help. Legal counsel to start, as you've done. Next you need a therapist that can help you navigate these feelings and get you on a new path to your and your family's new normal.

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Are you allowed to visit them at her mother's place or a neutral park nearby? Does she have a restraining order against you? You need to start acting like a model father and being reliable and accountable.

The things that have happened between us for her to not trust me might be for a divorce court, but certainly not for a child access case.
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Are you allowed to visit them at her mother's place or a neutral park nearby? Does she have a restraining order against you? You need to start acting like a model father and being reliable and accountable.

 

I've been able to go round theirs twice just for an hour or so, but either her OR HER MUM has to be present. She keeps telling me that mother's get more rights and that I'll be lucky to ever see them again, maybe every other weekend for a couple of hours round theirs. I have spoken to my solicitor who has suggested we go for 50-50 access/custody, which is what I'm going to go for. I just don't know how I can cope living alone in our marital home, surrounded by memories (none recent though!) Of our marriage and our children. I've been a complete mess this past week

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I've been able to go round theirs twice just for an hour or so, but either her OR HER MUM has to be present. She keeps telling me that mother's get more rights and that I'll be lucky to ever see them again, maybe every other weekend for a couple of hours round theirs. I have spoken to my solicitor who has suggested we go for 50-50 access/custody, which is what I'm going to go for. I just don't know how I can cope living alone in our marital home, surrounded by memories (none recent though!) Of our marriage and our children. I've been a complete mess this past week

 

She is full of crap. What she has done is abducted the kids.

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Thank you everyone so far for your replies. I really don't know why I'm so hurt about her leaving and letting it cloud my judgement so much. As I said, I haven't been happy for the best part of two years, and to be honest, we've always had a bit of a "tetchy" relationship. She's put pictures of her, her family, some family friends and a bloke I've never seen all playing on the beach with the girls today. I keep getting told she isn't right for me and that I can do a lot better, but I just can't snap out of this almost obsession for her!!

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She’s essentially kidnapped your kids. If there’s no restraining order against you, she can’t just keep the kids. Even if your marriage was an unhappy one, those are not reasons to take the children away from you. You need to step up and go through a lawyer. The only reason she can do this is if you allow her to. You need to snap out of it and take some action. Whatever is currently happening is terrible for your children. I’m sure they are confused as to why they’re not seeing their father anymore. What a cold blooded thing to do, unless you’re hiding some vital information.

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She’s essentially kidnapped your kids. If there’s no restraining order against you, she can’t just keep the kids. Even if your marriage was an unhappy one, those are not reasons to take the children away from you. You need to step up and go through a lawyer. The only reason she can do this is if you allow her to. You need to snap out of it and take some action. Whatever is currently happening is terrible for your children. I’m sure they are confused as to why they’re not seeing their father anymore. What a cold blooded thing to do, unless you’re hiding some vital information.

 

If I'm holding any vital information, I'd love to know what it is! She's always been very dominating and her mother is the same. They've both told me countless times that "dad's aren't that important in a child's life" and that my mother in law is more important for the girls than me! I got in contact with a solicitor the day after she left and have sent her my proposals. I've now got to wait for the letters to be sent out. I might have to sick it up at the minute as I've been advised to play her at her own game and just accept any snippets of contact I can (even if it's sitting in their living room for half an hour) as long as I keep asking to see them. The more they refuse and don't let me see them, the more unreasonable they will look to the courts

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Did your wife lack a father ?

No, her dad has always been there but his and my wife's mum's marriage has gone the same way as ours. My mother in law lives with him, but they (like me and my wife when she was here) sleep separately and basically treat each other as lodgers! It's a very strange set up. But he has always been there for my wife

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She phoned me a little while ago, saying I don't care about the children because I haven't sent them any money (all my money I earn goes on rent and utilities etc to keep a roof over our heads, until they obviously left) so how can I suddenly start giving her money without coming to a proper agreement? She also said it's my fault that the girls are sleeping on a mattress on the living room floor at her mum's because I refused to leave the flat. But I NEVER told her to leave and I would never, not in a million years, tell her to take the girls out of this flat!

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She phoned me a little while ago, saying I don't care about the children because I haven't sent them any money (all my money I earn goes on rent and utilities etc to keep a roof over our heads, until they obviously left) so how can I suddenly start giving her money without coming to a proper agreement? She also said it's my fault that the girls are sleeping on a mattress on the living room floor at her mum's because I refused to leave the flat. But I NEVER told her to leave and I would never, not in a million years, tell her to take the girls out of this flat!

Look , she is emotionally abusing you. Tell her your lawyer will be getting in touch with her and hang up.

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This isn't the girl's fault so you both need to stop using them as a bargaining tool. Whatever issues you two have will have to be sorted out later, but in the meantime if the kids need a bed to sleep on, get them a bed. If they need shoes, buy them new shoes, clothes, games, whatever they need and keep the receipts. DO NOT GIVE HER ANY MONEY. You need to show the courts you are a concerned, caring father for the girls and are still providing for their needs. Don't talk or text with the ex, communicate through email so you have a record. This will come in handy in court. Also keep a journal of dates and times of interactions, and actions taken. Judges love documents, that backup your story. If there are phone conversations, record them.

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