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Attracting unavailable men


kim42

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Hi everyone, I'm feeling a little down this week because it seems the guy I've been seeing/flirting with is not single.

I know it happens all the time but lately it has become sort of a pattern with almost all men I meet. I just don't know why I keep attracting married/unavailable men. Some of my friends told me I'm easily approachable so maybe I'm easy to talk to?

I don't know, it's just annoying, I feel like I'm in this weird cycle, I meet someone, the guy makes the first move, we text, hang out a few times and then I somehow find out he's taken. I'm afraid to get 'excited' when I meet someone new as I expect him to be unavailable.

So is there something I'm doing wrong or is it just bad luck? I don't think I'm overly flirtatious, these guys usually approach me first.

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Hi everyone, I'm feeling a little down this week because it seems the guy I've been seeing/flirting with is not single.

I know it happens all the time but lately it has become sort of a pattern with almost all men I meet. I just don't know why I keep attracting married/unavailable men. Some of my friends told me I'm easily approachable so maybe I'm easy to talk to?

I don't know, it's just annoying, I feel like I'm in this weird cycle, I meet someone, the guy makes the first move, we text, hang out a few times and then I somehow find out he's taken. I'm afraid to get 'excited' when I meet someone new as I expect him to be unavailable.

So is there something I'm doing wrong or is it just bad luck? I don't think I'm overly flirtatious, these guys usually approach me first.

 

First, stop blaming yourself. You cannot control who flirts with you or comes on to you. If they are taken, it is THEIR responsibility not to flirt with women or lead them on. All you can do is reject them after the fact.

 

Sadly, even advice like " look online" or "go to singles" events isn't really helpful, because tons of men lie about being single in these areas, too.

 

All you can do is look for red flags, stay alert, and if/when you discover they are taken- Reject them.

 

I'm a happily married woman and I'm VERY vocal about it. I wear my ring, I don't look to flirt with anyone, I proudly talk about my husband ALL THE TIME- I STILL get men who try to pick me up. And sorry to tell you, most of the time they are married. I, of course, ALWAYS reject them. And that happens with ME- A married woman who loudly and proudly proclaims how happy I am in my marriage. So, you can imagine how some men feel about coming onto a SINGLE woman. I wish I could tell you that this kind of thing ends, but I don't want to lie to you.

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Sometimes via dating apps, or just at bars when I go out. It's frustrating.

I reject them once I find out they're unavailable I was just wondering why I keep attracting them.

 

Because you are cute? :friendly_wink:

 

There are many married men who flirt but there are also many married women who flirt. So yeah...

 

Anyway, I assume you are in your late twenties/early thirties kim so most men are married or in relationships, the odds are not in your favor. I swear 80% of the women I meet my age (late twenties) are in relationship. That's the odds though.

 

Can't you find someone through friends/colleagues?

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Ugh—sorry about this.

 

Can I ask how long you've been seeing/flirting? Just curious for context, in understanding how long it was until you find out he's not single.

 

All in all, I'd chalk this up to bad luck, to life, certainly nothing you are doing. Awesome person that you are, no person is so powerful as to trigger others to act like fools. They're just fools, roaming around in the shade, sometimes roaming your way.

 

Per the excitement vs apprehension stuff? Maybe just take a break from dating for a bit, give yourself time to be and to get excited about things that don't involve all the potential volatility and unknowns of other people. Can only speak for myself, but when I've got that excitement in spades it kind of acts as a governor on all this stuff, allowing you to enjoy the excitement without getting too invested in it too quickly—and, by extension, not too thrown if it turns out to be illusory.

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Thanks Dias 😁

Most of my friends are girls and they don't know single men, we are all in the same boat, trying to find Mr. Right.

I'm 29 and I'm more into slightly older men, 35-40, so I assume I shouldn't be surprised if they're taken right?

Well the guy I mentioned in my thread is actually a coworker from another office and he seemed interested but is most likely not single😐

Usually this flirting phase lasts for about 2 weeks or so.

I think I get too i invested too quickly.

Thanks guys for all your replies, I feel a little silly after this last guy😐

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No, nothing sexual, just friendly and he would text me a lot outside of work. We're not working at the same office. He said I should ask the management to spend some time at his office. His last message implies he's taken. I'm a little sad because I felt we had a connection.

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I think I get too i invested too quickly.

 

Might be something to explore, see about tweaking a bit. No, it's not going to create a force field that repels taken/married guys, but it might lessen feeling "silly" when these moments happen.

 

Perhaps it might help to think about what would make someone Mr. Right. Yeah, there's the obvious stuff—he's attractive, 37ish, interesting and into you—but most importantly? He's someone you feel increasingly good around, increasingly like getting to know, and are increasingly confident is connecting with you from a place of clear intention, over months and months, longer.

 

So after a week or two? You can be excited, sure, while knowing the "Mr. Right" stuff isn't going to be answered for another 50 weeks or so. And if after two weeks it turns out to not be what you thought? A thing that happens, nothing more, regardless of the particulars.

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No, nothing sexual, just friendly and he would text me a lot outside of work. We're not working at the same office. He said I should ask the management to spend some time at his office. His last message implies he's taken. I'm a little sad because I felt we had a connection.

 

We don't know his background for certain and this seems a bit vague. Did you respond to the last message or ask about his girlfriend/partner?

 

If you're less hesitant to talk about the situation openly, you may find this an automatic repellent for those who haven't come to terms with their current situation (whether it's a relationship breaking down, a separation pending or other personal issues).

 

In other words, it might help to be more upfront and vocal about personal topics before spending too much time talking with someone. People may lie their way through too. Take things slow.

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Thank you Blue, I think I probably rely too much on this initial connection/feeling. I should remind myself more often that he doesn't have to be Mr.Right after 2 weeks.

I know it's not a big deal after a week or 2, I just didn't see it coming with this guy.

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I know he doesn't have children. None of my coworkers mentioned he was married/taken so I thought he was single. He's known to be rather anti-social so I was surprised he was talking to me a lot.

In his last message, he mentioned a past event he'd attended with someone, and said 'we'. I don't know who 'we' is, but I assume it's his wife/girlfriend. I didn't ask about it, but don't feel like texting anymore 😐

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It's been a while since I've dated but when I dated, I've noticed that it all boils down to socioeconomic status and demographics. People generally meet and / or marry within their social class such as education, job status and the like. Some are more specific such as religion in addition to socioeconomic class and demographics.

 

I married up because I elevated my own status due to ascending with my career and enjoyed my financial independence to the hilt. :D Hence, my social circle expanded and I was introduced to a lot of driven men who were on the fast track. It's about being at the right place at the right time and mingling with people who are go-getters. And if not, then obviously some people run in other circles with other walks of life.

 

My neighbor complained that she couldn't find any men either. I advised her to stop looking and concentrate on herself instead so she did. She ascended and her friends did the same. Her social life became elevated and she ended up marrying an airline pilot of a major carrier. They have two sons now 16 months apart! :eek: Her newborn son was born several weeks ago.

 

In order to attract men, you have to make yourself attractive first. I've noticed that successful unattached men are attracted to successful, very financially independent women.

 

It's okay to reject unavailable men along the way until you find an eligible bachelor. You'll have to weed out the bad apples. Don't give up. There is someone special out there for you. And, perhaps you're looking at all the wrong places. Ask friends and family if they know anyone as they've done their homework for you. Also, keep in mind to pay close attention to CHARACTER. I've known charming and successful men within my family tree yet their character is abysmal. :upset:

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I'm seeing a lot of assuming going on here, and you getting a little tripped up on both ends of that at the expense of experiencing things for what they are, rather than what they might be or what you'd really, really like them to be or really, really fear they might end up being.

 

Co-worker is friendly with you, the assumption is he's making a romantic move, and you're stoked. Co-worker drops a "we" into a text, the assumption is he's got a wife/girlfriend, and now you're distraught, done, no longer interested in communicating. Whatever the full truth, it's awfully hard to connect through a force field of projections.

 

Even if your assumption about the "we" is correct, I'm not sure I'd even see this as "another" tale of a taken/unavailable guy throwing a wrench into your life. And let's say your assumption is incorrect? The potential for connection, platonically or romantically, has been snuffed out by the whiplash of one set of positive assumptions quickly giving way to set of negative ones.

 

I'm sorry for the pitfalls and potholes that come with the search for Mr. Right. Per some of our earlier messages, I really think a minute to inhale and exhale is in order. People are just people, and most of the ones we come across who initially seem promising will turn out to go nowhere. Because they were just being friendly. Because they turned out to be shady. Because after three weeks we lose interest in them. And so on. That kind of has to be okay, and the more okay with that the more open we can be, while remaining protective and respectful of ourselves.

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What you can do is google. Also connect on professional or social media. For example if someone in a work setting approaches you, connect on LinkedIn. It won't tell you their marital status, but hey at least you'll make a professional connection and glean some more info.

 

If it's dating sites or clubs (horrible choice except to meet creeps on the prowl, no offense) Suggest IG, SC, FB, etc or whatever is popular with you. At least you can do some homework before you get your hopes up or listen to a pack of office women's guesses.

No, nothing sexual, just friendly and he would text me a lot outside of work. We're not working at the same office. He said I should ask the management to spend some time at his office. His last message implies he's taken. I'm a little sad because I felt we had a connection.
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If the dating apps and the bars haven't worked so far, when social distancing is no longer an issue, try Meetup.com groups where singles in a particular age group, usually 10 to 15 year spans, meet for fun activities like hiking, going to local festivals, or other stuff depending what's going on in your town.

 

I used to be a docent for a year at the zoo, not to meet men because I was in my first marriage at the time, but wanted something fun besides my career to be a part of. I'm bringing that up because I witnessed a couple who'd met there as volunteers and began dating.

 

You might want to take dance lessons in whatever type of dance you might find fun: Two-step, tango, Swing, ballroom, salsa. Even if you don't end up meeting anybody, dancing is still a whole lot of fun.

 

I'd change your mindset to the fact that you're lucky you didn't spend any more than 2 weeks to find out the guy was taken. If you want to waste less time, if he's flirting, you can ask, "So how long has it been since you've been single?"

 

Try to take a less passive role in the dating scene. It's like you're letting life happen to you, letting guys approach you, instead of YOU taking a more active role in making a game plan of how and where you can meet those single, quality guys you seek.

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So this most recent guy is not on social media so it seems I have no way to find out if he's married or not.

Thank you Blue for your honest opinion, it's true I've been assuming a lot of things with this guy. This thread is not just about him, this situation has been happening often lately, so I was not ready to find out I'd been again meeting and texting with a man who's taken. I agree the 'we' in his message is vague. I don't know what to do now.

I guess I was really happy to be back in the office after the lockdown, and it was nice to meet someone elsewhere than in a bar. He spent more time with me than with my coworkers, we'd spend time together after work so I thought he was interested. Maybe I got too excited, it's true I was lonely during the lockdown.

I might need to inhale and exhale, as you said.

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It just sounds like you're jumping in too fast tbh. I would also caution you and anyone not get involve with anyone at work because if it goes south, your breakup will be in the office gossip newsletter for awhile. maybe when one of you leaves, sure.

 

When you're in that dating pool, or fishing in it, you're going to keep catching the same type of fish or something similar and your odds at getting one that is everything you hoped and dreamed for, is very slim to none. That's why I always warn friends and family that online dating apps are 50% single people and 50% non single people. Meaning that in reality, your chances are about the same too.

 

You might just want to relax and don't invest so quick... Enjoy the "dating" scene even if it's with a potentially NOT single man. When you find out they're not exactly who you thought they were, you move on. Don't settle too... if you feel something is off, or it's not all there - just get out and keep dating.

 

There's a lot of lonely single guys out there too who wouldn't mind getting to know you.

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You could call it "easily approachable", or "easy to talk to" but it could also be that these men are seeing someone vulnerable enough to take advantage of.

And maybe someone possibly who is too friendly, where you are giving off the impression of being open to anything or anyone.

 

Having stronger boundaries, being polite but not overly friendly will help. But also asking these men in no uncertain terms, if they are single when they first approach you, would help loads.

You don't owe any stranger or even acquaintance, anything.

Be straightforward and ask them what they are hoping for and if they are completely single, before you offer them any kind of chat.

 

I guarantee you, you will get rid of a lot of the losers and time wasters with that approach.

 

Don't be so trusting and don't be so willing to open the door for anyone who is friendly. Make sure first who you are actually opening the door to and don't believe everything anyone tells you.

It might sound slightly cynical, but in this day and age...you have to be. There are a lot of time wasters, game players and cheaters out there, just looking for another victim.

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Kind of have to echo SherrySher a bit in that you are coming across sooooo thirsty that yeah, that will attract predators.

 

This guy was merely friendly and you immediately started getting excited, leaping to conclusions and so on....and getting equally disappointed fast by leaping to more conclusions. Yet you have literally zero facts to leap either way. That level of thirst people can sense a mile away. This has nothing to do with you being friendly or outgoing. You actually sound pretty desperate and it probably comes across loud and clear in real life, and so .....yeah....good guys will get spooked and creeps will be all over you like sharks smelling injured prey.

 

I'm not going to say step away from dating and get even more lonely, but rather become more aware and work on other aspects of your life so that you feel more comfortable, stronger and not so ready to leap on top of whatever guy pays you a little bit of attention.

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I think it's fine to meet potential spouses or partners at work -how I met my husband.

 

When I was 8 months pregnant and wearing an engagement ring I was waiting in line to get popcorn for my fiance and me at the movies. The man behind me was definitely flirting with me. I turned so he could The Belly and the ring. Look, I was a darn cute pregnant woman, I was glowing, shiny hair and I didn't look so pregnant from behind so I figured that would deflect him. Nope. He flirted even more. Same thing happened at a party I attended without my fiancee (we were long distance) while I was pregnant - I talked to one of the guys at the party -totally harmless stuff, no flirting -and after he contacted me on Facebook - tracked down my last name and all. (Back then it was more unusual to friend someone on FB). So look I did nothing, I didn't feel "guilty" at all - I just think some people are clueless and/or like a challenge or a myriad of reasons.

 

I wouldn't read too much into this at all. And also you're not going after married guys or anything so you have genuine intentions to meet someone who is available.

 

I'm sorry that the coworker seems like he might not be single -the dreaded "we".

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I'm glad it worked out for you, Batya, but I have heard so many horror stories of finding someone in your workplace. It really can bring a boatload of problems with it.

Which is why most people opt to find someone outside of work. The two don't mix too well.

 

I think the only time I have heard it working out okay, is if one of the people in the relationship is leaving the company or working in another building.

Otherwise it can be a total headache, even more so if you break up.

 

Work is bad enough, but to go there and on top of it, be forced to see your recent ex, ugh...no thank you.

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