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Thread: Attracting unavailable men

  1. #1
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Attracting unavailable men

    Hi everyone, I'm feeling a little down this week because it seems the guy I've been seeing/flirting with is not single.
    I know it happens all the time but lately it has become sort of a pattern with almost all men I meet. I just don't know why I keep attracting married/unavailable men. Some of my friends told me I'm easily approachable so maybe I'm easy to talk to?
    I don't know, it's just annoying, I feel like I'm in this weird cycle, I meet someone, the guy makes the first move, we text, hang out a few times and then I somehow find out he's taken. I'm afraid to get 'excited' when I meet someone new as I expect him to be unavailable.
    So is there something I'm doing wrong or is it just bad luck? I don't think I'm overly flirtatious, these guys usually approach me first.

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    Originally Posted by kim42
    Hi everyone, I'm feeling a little down this week because it seems the guy I've been seeing/flirting with is not single.
    I know it happens all the time but lately it has become sort of a pattern with almost all men I meet. I just don't know why I keep attracting married/unavailable men. Some of my friends told me I'm easily approachable so maybe I'm easy to talk to?
    I don't know, it's just annoying, I feel like I'm in this weird cycle, I meet someone, the guy makes the first move, we text, hang out a few times and then I somehow find out he's taken. I'm afraid to get 'excited' when I meet someone new as I expect him to be unavailable.
    So is there something I'm doing wrong or is it just bad luck? I don't think I'm overly flirtatious, these guys usually approach me first.
    First, stop blaming yourself. You cannot control who flirts with you or comes on to you. If they are taken, it is THEIR responsibility not to flirt with women or lead them on. All you can do is reject them after the fact.

    Sadly, even advice like " look online" or "go to singles" events isn't really helpful, because tons of men lie about being single in these areas, too.

    All you can do is look for red flags, stay alert, and if/when you discover they are taken- Reject them.

    I'm a happily married woman and I'm VERY vocal about it. I wear my ring, I don't look to flirt with anyone, I proudly talk about my husband ALL THE TIME- I STILL get men who try to pick me up. And sorry to tell you, most of the time they are married. I, of course, ALWAYS reject them. And that happens with ME- A married woman who loudly and proudly proclaims how happy I am in my marriage. So, you can imagine how some men feel about coming onto a SINGLE woman. I wish I could tell you that this kind of thing ends, but I don't want to lie to you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Where did you meet him?

  4. #4
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Sometimes via dating apps, or just at bars when I go out. It's frustrating.
    I reject them once I find out they're unavailable I was just wondering why I keep attracting them.

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    Originally Posted by kim42
    Sometimes via dating apps, or just at bars when I go out. It's frustrating.
    I reject them once I find out they're unavailable I was just wondering why I keep attracting them.
    Because you are cute?

    There are many married men who flirt but there are also many married women who flirt. So yeah...

    Anyway, I assume you are in your late twenties/early thirties kim so most men are married or in relationships, the odds are not in your favor. I swear 80% of the women I meet my age (late twenties) are in relationship. That's the odds though.

    Can't you find someone through friends/colleagues?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ugh—sorry about this.

    Can I ask how long you've been seeing/flirting? Just curious for context, in understanding how long it was until you find out he's not single.

    All in all, I'd chalk this up to bad luck, to life, certainly nothing you are doing. Awesome person that you are, no person is so powerful as to trigger others to act like fools. They're just fools, roaming around in the shade, sometimes roaming your way.

    Per the excitement vs apprehension stuff? Maybe just take a break from dating for a bit, give yourself time to be and to get excited about things that don't involve all the potential volatility and unknowns of other people. Can only speak for myself, but when I've got that excitement in spades it kind of acts as a governor on all this stuff, allowing you to enjoy the excitement without getting too invested in it too quickly—and, by extension, not too thrown if it turns out to be illusory.

  8. #7
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    Thanks Dias 😁
    Most of my friends are girls and they don't know single men, we are all in the same boat, trying to find Mr. Right.
    I'm 29 and I'm more into slightly older men, 35-40, so I assume I shouldn't be surprised if they're taken right?
    Well the guy I mentioned in my thread is actually a coworker from another office and he seemed interested but is most likely not single😐
    Usually this flirting phase lasts for about 2 weeks or so.
    I think I get too i invested too quickly.
    Thanks guys for all your replies, I feel a little silly after this last guy😐

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    What do you mean "most likely not single"? Relationships with coworkers can sometimes be mistaken for something else. Were the conversations overtly sexual?

  10. #9
    Silver Member kim42's Avatar
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    No, nothing sexual, just friendly and he would text me a lot outside of work. We're not working at the same office. He said I should ask the management to spend some time at his office. His last message implies he's taken. I'm a little sad because I felt we had a connection.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by kim42
    I think I get too i invested too quickly.
    Might be something to explore, see about tweaking a bit. No, it's not going to create a force field that repels taken/married guys, but it might lessen feeling "silly" when these moments happen.

    Perhaps it might help to think about what would make someone Mr. Right. Yeah, there's the obvious stuff—he's attractive, 37ish, interesting and into you—but most importantly? He's someone you feel increasingly good around, increasingly like getting to know, and are increasingly confident is connecting with you from a place of clear intention, over months and months, longer.

    So after a week or two? You can be excited, sure, while knowing the "Mr. Right" stuff isn't going to be answered for another 50 weeks or so. And if after two weeks it turns out to not be what you thought? A thing that happens, nothing more, regardless of the particulars.

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