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Thread: Should I stay or should I go?

  1. #1
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    Should I stay or should I go?

    So, thereís a man in my life... out of the blue. Weíve been 5 months together. The first month, I was very happy, he cared about me and was different from anyone I had before, in a positive way. We talked about any topic, from movies and games to personal development and philosophy. I loved that. We kissed a lot and cared for each other. We cooked for each other and tried new things together. I noticed some peculiarities, though: he wasnít really interested in me, my life or my hobbies, he kept talking about his hobbies and how he wanted to do his hobbies with me. Go to his favorite events, watch his favorite movies, share his hobbies with me. That was a red flag, since I also happen to have a lot of hobbies, a broad taste in movies, and my own favorite events. Yet he never really wanted to know anything about me. This annoyed me, but I didnít say anything. He did try to find some interests in common (or maybe I did), so that was something.
    We live far from each other, so we only see each other on weekends. Heís looking for a job and I have two different jobs. He always demanded to see me the whole weekend, even on friday evening even though Iíd tell him I was very, very tired from work. I was annoyed at how he ignored me on that part, too, yet he seemed understanding when I told him to ďcome on Saturday, Iíll be too tired on Friday eveningĒ. I have to note here that he canít handle being alone (heís an only child), but I love being alone and cherish those me-moments, so seeing him just on sundays would suffice for me (but not for him). So yes, I wasnít really in love with him because I need a lot of time for this to happen. Fast forward to three months and I wanted to break up with him. He kept being uninterested in me and my hobbies. I was looking for ways to break up with him. Yet I didnít do it, and on the 5th month, I became totally honest with him. I started complaining about how he wasnít interested in me and he seemed understanding and apologized. But of course he didnít change. I didnít expect him to.
    Iím someone whoís afraid of expressing their opinion and I back off at first because I want to please the other person. But all that started to build up and I fought with him 3 times in 2 weeks. I was previously very peaceful and avoided fights, just like him.
    Now after 3 fights, he started losing interest in me. And this annoys me, too! Whatís going on? I just wanted to break up with him but now the mere fact that heís also losing his interest in seeing me makes me mad! Whatís wrong with me? Should I leave him? Am I a complete narcissist? Is that a stupid reason to leave a person who loves you?
    I have no idea why it annoys me. I guess because Iím afraid of being single again, and heís been the best guy Iíve had so far (though, admittedly, Iíve only had relationships with horrible guys and I ended up dumping every single one of them). He cares about me when something happens to me, especially as far as my health and well-being goes.
    Does this even make sense? What should I work on? To this day, even my work colleagues know more things about me than him. Even they seem more interested in me than him!
    Note: We have an asexual relationship. We kiss and cuddle and sleep on the same bed, and thatís it.
    I have no idea what he wants from that relationship. Maybe itís the only child syndrome of not wanting to be alone at any cost?
    Last edited by Badabum33; 07-30-2020 at 08:17 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry about all this.

    To my eyes, it seems that the shallowness of your connection has simply become impossible to ignore, which is fancy talk for a relationship running its course. I don't mean "shallow" as in handbags and diamonds, mind you, but simply a lack of deep, evolving enrichment. Seems, all in all, that neither of you particularly like, respect, or admire the other person, but just don't want to be alone. That's one way to form a bond, of course, but it's limited, kind like trying to build a house using masking tape and cardboard instead of wood, bricks, and mortar. It crumbles pretty quickly, and never really feels like shelter even when it's standing.

    So, what to do? Well, I say you take note, as you're doing, that your sudden spike of interest in him is really just your ego flexing itself. Happens. No need to let it drive the ship, however, as you can kind of stand down to that spike of feeling, move through it, and in the process come away with a win-win: you're out of a relationship that doesn't serve you, that you knew wasn't serving you after a month, and on the path to readying yourself for one that doesóone with someone, for starters, who is compelled by the singular thing that is you and makes that clear, both by listening to you and asking you questions.

    I'm an only child, by the way. We're not all immune to solitude, not by a long shot, so I'd maybe chill with trying to find comfort in those sorts of armchair diagnostics. And if you're interested in a relationship that is not asexual, then it might be less relevant to wonder what he wants from it and instead wonder why you're in something that doesn't seem to be meeting some very basic human needs, ranging from the primal to the cerebral to the gooey stuff in the center.

  3. #3
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    I know what you mean by staying because they treat you better then the last person. It fails though, you start to see sure they may be different but still bad none the less. Donít settle for less then wonderful. When you and the other person click on a lot of great levels.

    I agree with bluecastle about the shallowness of this all. Successful relationships of what Iíve noticed thrive on a deeper connection.

    I know you can do better

    If loneliness is what it takes to find the best fit then be lonely. In the solitude of loneliness youíll discover more about yourself and your needs.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You can do better than him. It's a one sided relationship with him busy telling you about his interests and wanting to do what he wants to do and he doesn't care about you and your interests.

    I think you figure he's better than nothing, but I think you'd be better off on your own so you can find a guy who actually does want to know about you. You have nothing in common with this guy.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You need higher self esteem and more self confidence. You need to be able to afford to be very picky and choosy. Never settle just because you think there is something wrong with YOU and this type of man is all you deserve.

    Yes, you should leave him. No, you're not a narcissist. I've known several narcissists in my lifetime and you don't meet the criteria of a narcissist. Narcissists are impossible to get along with. You are reasonable and a man should take interest in your hobbies, activities you prefer to do, places where you want to go and be considerate enough to allow you to rest after you're tired from work as opposed to being an imposition and making you acquiesce to his demands.

    No, it's not a stupid reason to leave a person. A person who sincerely loves you knows how to be empathetic, considerate and think of your feelings. He doesn't love you the way you want and how he should love you. He's definition of love differs from yours.

    He annoys you because he is selfish, self centered, self serving and only thinks about himself, what he likes, his hobbies, where he wants to go and his interests. He doesn't even consider you. I know two people in my life who are reminiscent of your guy of 5 months. I've since written them off.

    You should work on knowing you deserve to be treated with respect and never settle for mediocrity or less than that.

    Even though you're an only child, it's better to be alone and free than being with a man who'll make you feel lonely and miserable. Choose a man who is compatible. Everyone else doesn't qualify.

    You'd better shop around.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is it asexual by choice? It seems like he's crowding you. How did you meet?

    How does he support himself? Is your time together always at your place?

    You need to mix it up so you don't start feeling like his weekend BNB.

  8. #7
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    Why would you question whether you're a narcissist?

    I simply see two people who are incompatible and have an odd, asexual relationship. It's not working, and it's hasn't been for months. You need to stick to your guns and walk. I don't think you can very well accuse him of not wanting to be alone when you are also struggling to let him go despite being unhappy. It sounds like both of you have that fear, but you can see why that's not a good reason to stay with someone.

  9. #8
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    Thank you all for your advice. I thought I was exaggerating and it wasnít too much of a thing. He tries to find interests in common and we have those, but heís not interested in anything different, and I have quite a few of those, too.

    Heís on state support and has his own apartment, so we spend the weekend at both his place and mine. He doesnít like being unemployed so he sends applications every day. But because of the virus, things are pretty hard now.

    I understand heís going through hard times, feeling useless because he has no job, but that doesnít justify this behavior I think. I also go through a lot with my jobs and struggles, but I still make time for him and his interests.

    Iíve been single for a long time and I loved it. Finding a man wasnít one of my plans, but it happened out of the blue. Iím asexual so that part is no problem. I just added that information to emphasize the fact that Iím not a sex object to him, either, so I have no idea what he wants from that relationship other than not to be alone.

    Yes, I also donít want to be alone, even though I know I need this right now and I have no problem being alone. I fear ďmissing outĒ and that my judgement is too harsh. I have this (wrong) feeling that Iíll regret it and wonít find anyone with his positive traits. But reading your messages is comforting

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I have mixed thoughts on this but mostly because I don't know your situation so well.

    On the outset, they are red flags. You appear very mature and able to spot these warning signs. He doesn't sound completely available to me and the lack of fulfillment is hurting you. Get to know each other a lot more at a pace that you can handle and if it's well and truly something you do not and cannot see yourself thriving or growing in, be willing to cut each other loose. Would you say that you're willing to see where this goes past 2020? Or are you looking for a more independent and active (not passive) partner in a relationship?

    On the other hand, not everyone is flexible enough to accommodate a partner's different interests or want to participate in everything you do. I think it's healthy for individuals to have separate interests or vocations, be part of groups or associations that are independent of their partner to grow individually especially in terms of career. If he's feeling low or unable to take an active role in your life due to his personal or work situation, both of you should communicate more. He may be leaning more on you now than you on him and that's part and parcel of weathering out the ups and downs through time.

    My message to you is to be honest with yourself about whether you're happy or feeling fulfilled enough in the relationship. If you need a partner who's more involved with your interests, hobbies, be more vocal about it and talk about it more. Not everyone will feel as you do. I'm very independent. In my culture, probably a bit wayward and wild by some standards. I don't need someone to accompany me or support my interests. I usually don't feel the need to talk about it most of the time. In my private time with a partner, I like sharing other things but most of the time it doesn't always have to do with the details of what I'm doing for myself.

    What does matter, to me, is being able to feel comfortable expressing different views and enjoying different thoughts and perspectives if something does come up. If you can't sense that he's able to think beyond his personal struggles with work etc, I think you should be kind to yourself and him and ask yourself whether this is the right person for you. It may be wrong place, wrong time too.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok as long as the companionship you offer each other is working, that's great. Make sure you're clear on your need for alone/down time, since you work and he has much more time on his hands.

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