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Thread: Guilt feelings

  1. #1

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    Guilt feelings

    Hi,
    I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I just really feel like I need to write this down, even though it happened a long while ago - I'm still really ridden by guilt.

    So I was in an online relationship with someone for a couple of months. Soon after we got together I realized that they seemed to feel about me differently than I felt about them (I really loved them - but I realized it was probably more on a platonic base, and I realized I might be on the aro spec), but I still tried to keep the relationship going; they had mental health problems, and I felt like I did them a favor by staying with them (dumb idea, I know, but at the time I felt like it was the right thing to do).

    Then I suddenly got a confession by another close online friend - and the thing I feel so guilty about is that I didn't outright say no, didn't tell him that I was dating another person at the time. It wasn't really because I had any romantic interest in him - it was most likely because again, I didn't want to hurt people and I felt like turning him down would exactly do that, so I answered in a kind of roundabout way, asking him to meet iRL before we talk about stuff like that. Again, I know it was really stupid - it was a spontaneous reaction I didn't really think through.
    We agreed to meet and that's when I started to wonder what to do from here, like what if we met and I realized I actually caught feelings? His confession kinda brought chaos to my emotions. (Looking back at it I can definitely say I never had feelings for him, but back at the time I was wondering if maybe I had, since he was a really close friend and maybe due to my romantic orientation I sometimes had trouble telling platonic and romantic feelings apart, until I actually got a big crush on someone lol) At that point I felt like it would be the right thing to break up with my partner - but again, they had mental health problems and even used to be suicidal, so I decided that until I actually meet the guy who confessed to me and I can actually imagine a relationship with him I will stay together with my partner.
    Well, in the end we never met. We had troubles with our finances and finding a suitable time to meet, and I was honestly relieved. We eventually grew apart, he got a different partner. A while later I finally gathered the courage to break up with my own partner and we were actually able to stay on friendly terms with each other until now. At one point I told them about this entire thing and they said it's okay since nothing actually happened, they're not bothered by it, but I still can't help but feel like I "cheated" on them because I didn't outright turn down the guy who confessed to me and we were talking about meeting and stuff for a couple of weeks, even if I never had ill intentions. And because I didn't break up with my partner at that time even though I probably should have. In the end all I wanted was to not hurt anyone but this way I ended up doing something really ty.

    I know that I made a mistake and I definitely learned from it, but I don't know how to move on from it and stop feeling like a horrible person and cheater. Like, even my ex-partner saying it's okay didn't help me. Maybe it's because I tend to overthink things too much, I don't even know how big of a problem this would be to other people, seeing that in the end nothing actually happened, like my ex-partner said. But to me it actually feels like a huge mistake. Anyway, it did help me again to write all of this down and sort out my thoughts. If anyone else could share their thoughts on this I would really appreciate it too.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It may be a good idea to see a doctor for a checkup if you have no/low libido, sexual confusion, ruminating, persistent guilt and other unpleasant feelings. Therapy would also help to find better partners who are not suicidal, dramatic,etc.
    Originally Posted by mattsun
    I realized I might be on the aro spec

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Seems like a lot of anxiety. Try to manage separating these thoughts, take a deep breath. Everything will be ok. The only thing you should be focusing on is loving yourself enough and accepting your decisions as yours. If you made a mistake, own it and then let go of the damage.

    Don't think about what others will think later on down the line. What others think is none of your concern. Why? It's beyond your control and anyone else is allowed to form an opinion of you, regardless of how good or bad it is. Be free. Let go of these negative thoughts and avoid unfulfilling relationships, friendships or any connections that don't serve you positively. Those choices form all of us.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I do hope that you take this whole situation as a learning lesson.

    It might be difficult to tell people things they don't want to hear or to say something you know will cause disappointment, but as an adult, it's something that has to be done from time to time.

    The reason why it's so important, is exactly for the situation this has caused. You can get yourself into a situation where you do look like you're a cheater or liar or playing with people's emotions and hurt someone.
    So even though your intentions were to not hurt someone, you end up doing just that, anyhow.

    It's good to have a backbone when it comes to telling people what you want or don't want. It's a type of strength to be able to do that and stand up for yourself.
    No one wants to cause hurt to anyone, but we have to tell people no, sometimes.
    If we didn't and 3 different people asked us out, then we really would have a load of troubles on our hands if we said yes to all of them when we were already dating someone.

    Your heart is in the right place. It's good that you want to be a good person. Telling someone no, doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you are purposely trying to hurt them all it means is that you're being honest (and honesty is a great thing!).

    Date one person at a time, if they no longer make you happy, end things with them BEFORE you get to know someone else or decide you want to date them.
    You might meet someone along the way that you find attractive while you are already dating, but that person should be off limits until you are single again.

    Just take this as life lesson and move forward knowing you've gained experience.

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