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Thread: Long distance and intimacy

  1. #21
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Just so we are clear. You two have never met, engaged in virtual sex until you felt uncomfortable. He's now pleasuring himself in other ways. . Sometimes up to 5 times a day and denying you.
    And you are trying to figure out how to save this? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Vzhx
    But I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because it was me who initially denied to meet up to ALL his fantasies.... it did start getting a little too much , so now he resorts to porn... and avoids video calls...
    rejecting the n*des... did take a toll on me
    And yes I do agree that I am uncomfortable.... but doesnít it seem like, I asked for this.... now that we spend more time talking about everything else except sex... it got weird and I offered to sooth him cause he was stressed about his professional life falling apart...

    Iím not denying the fact that I did feel uncomfortable
    And that he did get defensive
    You have to do more than admit that you're uncomfortable. You have to reject the people and the situations that make you feel that way. Otherwise, you are actually torturing yourself.

    You're not obligated to meet all of your boyfriend's fantasies. You shouldn't feel guilty about saying "no." It's your right.

    If he makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable for saying no, if he punishes you or rejects you for that, then he's not a nice guy.

    Originally Posted by Vzhx
    But donít other dynamics of the relationship matter too? Only cause currently, while weíre distant my sex life seems like itís falling apart... does it give me a valid reason to end the relationship? Shouldnít I wait to see how things can be when we happen to meet?
    Canít it be that heís probably turned off because Iíve been nagging a lot lately?? Canít it be cause heís stressed and he needs his personal space to recover from the tension?
    Yes, other dynamics do matter. And you can end a relationship for any reason you want.

    I'm wondering if his lack of interest could be for some reason that is totally unrelated to you. He might be preoccupied with his studies. He might be pursuing another girl. I don't think you should blame yourself quite so much.
    Last edited by Jibralta; 07-29-2020 at 06:23 PM.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Just so we are clear. You two have never met, engaged in virtual sex until you felt uncomfortable. He's now pleasuring himself in other ways. . Sometimes up to 5 times a day and denying you.
    And you are trying to figure out how to save this?
    We have met and been on multiple dates!! And itís all been intimate
    He pampers me in person itís only now that Iíve noticed this one thing.... that tooo only once.... On the day he was extremely stressed about work
    And the next day was when I confronted him about it

    Honestly, it looks like my narrative isnít up to the mark

    Weíve had a great chemistry for the last 7 months... I tend to over think and panic over nothing...
    I know this because my friends tell me about this behaviour of mine from time to time

    Heís told me that the porn that he watches has nothing to do with me...
    heís never body shamed me...

    I donít want to leave him yet... at least not before we get to meet again
    Isnít there a better way to approach the problem?

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The distance the last three mos and the cyber sex seems to be wreaking havoc with your relationship. Sending nudes and sex videos are not going to improve your self respect or your connection. That is why he his looking at new flesh to get off on.

    Stop the sex shows. Stop asking him about porn, IG pics or masturbating. He's a horny 24 y/o guy. That's fine. But you need to improve your self respect and anxiety and insecurities and doing what you are doing is not helping.
    Originally Posted by Vzhx
    Weíve been dating for 8 months now

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, I'm going to compare porn to alcohol. Lots of people indulge in a good glass of wine, or beer, or liquor without ever becoming a sloppy drunk or an alcoholic that foregoes all life and relationships for the bottle. So lots of people might enjoy some porn and fantasy time here and there and it's not an issue. It only becomes an issue when porn takes over real life relationships and when the use is as frequent as you describe.

    Harsh reality is that yes, that much porn actually dehumanizes sex and intimacy in real life. The fact that his demands grew to where you became uncomfortable is your clue that his porn use is out of control. It's affecting his real life connections, intimacy, relationships, etc. That's NOT on you or your fault, that is completely on him. You have every right to say no and you should not ever strive to live to increasingly unrealistic sexual demands that leave you uncomfortable or unhappy. Sex, intimacy is something that is supposed to make you both feel good. It's not a one way street.

    The reason to dump him is that he is treating you like a prostitute and actually punishing you in a passive aggressive way for refusing to act like a cheap prostitute. The reason to dump him is that his porn use is out of control and it's negatively affecting you and your relationship. The other good stuff doesn't matter when this huge aspect of the relationship is this bad and disconnected. I won't bother telling you to talk to him because it sounds to me like you have talked plenty. You are here because deep down in your gut you know this is not right and you are correct about that. No man should ever treat you like this and you should never tolerate being treated like a cheap ho.

    That said, based on how defensive you are getting, I realize you are not ready to dump him yet, so talk to him again. Be strong, be blunt, be brutally honest that his behavior porn bs is not going to fly with and that either he stops with the porn and starts living in the real world or he will lose you. If he chooses to lose you, oh well. Sorry but you aren't losing prince charming, you are losing a self centered, entitled jerk who doesn't even see you as a human being.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    The distance the last three mos and the cyber sex seems to be wreaking havoc with your relationship. Sending nudes and sex videos are not going to improve your self respect or your connection. That is why he his looking at new flesh to get off on.

    Stop the sex shows. Stop asking him about porn, IG pics or masturbating. He's a horny 24 y/o guy. That's fine. But you need to improve your self respect and anxiety and insecurities and doing what you are doing is not helping.

    Can you please suggest things that I can do to improve this condition? 🙈

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    OP, I'm going to compare porn to alcohol. Lots of people indulge in a good glass of wine, or beer, or liquor without ever becoming a sloppy drunk or an alcoholic that foregoes all life and relationships for the bottle. So lots of people might enjoy some porn and fantasy time here and there and it's not an issue. It only becomes an issue when porn takes over real life relationships and when the use is as frequent as you describe.

    Harsh reality is that yes, that much porn actually dehumanizes sex and intimacy in real life. The fact that his demands grew to where you became uncomfortable is your clue that his porn use is out of control. It's affecting his real life connections, intimacy, relationships, etc. That's NOT on you or your fault, that is completely on him. You have every right to say no and you should not ever strive to live to increasingly unrealistic sexual demands that leave you uncomfortable or unhappy. Sex, intimacy is something that is supposed to make you both feel good. It's not a one way street.

    The reason to dump him is that he is treating you like a prostitute and actually punishing you in a passive aggressive way for refusing to act like a cheap prostitute. The reason to dump him is that his porn use is out of control and it's negatively affecting you and your relationship. The other good stuff doesn't matter when this huge aspect of the relationship is this bad and disconnected. I won't bother telling you to talk to him because it sounds to me like you have talked plenty. You are here because deep down in your gut you know this is not right and you are correct about that. No man should ever treat you like this and you should never tolerate being treated like a cheap ho.

    That said, based on how defensive you are getting, I realize you are not ready to dump him yet, so talk to him again. Be strong, be blunt, be brutally honest that his behavior porn bs is not going to fly with and that either he stops with the porn and starts living in the real world or he will lose you. If he chooses to lose you, oh well. Sorry but you aren't losing prince charming, you are losing a self centered, entitled jerk who doesn't even see you as a human being.
    That explains a lot!!! Thank you very much for that...
    Iíd like to know how much porn is too much?🙊

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    You have to do more than admit that you're uncomfortable. You have to reject the people and the situations that make you feel that way. Otherwise, you are actually torturing yourself.

    You're not obligated to meet all of your boyfriend's fantasies. You shouldn't feel guilty about saying "no." It's your right.

    If he makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable for saying no, if he punishes you or rejects you for that, then he's not a nice guy.



    Yes, other dynamics do matter. And you can end a relationship for any reason you want.

    I'm wondering if his lack of interest could be for some reason that is totally unrelated to you. He might be preoccupied with his studies. He might be pursuing another girl. I don't think you should blame yourself quite so much.
    Thank you so muchhhh for this :í)

  10. #29
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Vzhx
    That explains a lot!!! Thank you very much for that...
    Iíd like to know how much porn is too much?🙊
    There is no special formula or number. It's more that if his porn use is affecting your sex life, intimacy, and connection with each other, then it's too much. If what he tries or demands from you leaves you feeling dehumanized, or uncomfortable instead of pleased and satisfied yourself, then it's too much. Sex and intimacy should never leave you feeling bad about the experience.

    A good guy may suggest you try something but he'll accept no as an answer without getting upset or petulant about it because he cares about YOUR experience not just himself. If you do decide to experiment and find yourself uncomfortable, in pain, or otherwise not enjoying it, you'll feel safe and comfortable to stop, tell him what's going on with you and go back to what you both know that works and again, he will never make you feel bad about that. A good partner wants you to be satisfied and happy as well and cares about that. If you find yourself in a situation where the guy doesn't seem to care or even worse, he seems to punish you in some way for not doing whatever he demands (demand is really not a word that should come up in a healthy relationship, btw) then that's your clue to run for the hills. Goodbye and good riddance.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    There is no special formula or number. It's more that if his porn use is affecting your sex life, intimacy, and connection with each other, then it's too much. If what he tries or demands from you leaves you feeling dehumanized, or uncomfortable instead of pleased and satisfied yourself, then it's too much. Sex and intimacy should never leave you feeling bad about the experience.

    A good guy may suggest you try something but he'll accept no as an answer without getting upset or petulant about it because he cares about YOUR experience not just himself. If you do decide to experiment and find yourself uncomfortable, in pain, or otherwise not enjoying it, you'll feel safe and comfortable to stop, tell him what's going on with you and go back to what you both know that works and again, he will never make you feel bad about that. A good partner wants you to be satisfied and happy as well and cares about that. If you find yourself in a situation where the guy doesn't seem to care or even worse, he seems to punish you in some way for not doing whatever he demands (demand is really not a word that should come up in a healthy relationship, btw) then that's your clue to run for the hills. Goodbye and good riddance.
    Thank you very much!!! This helps 🙈

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