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Thread: Long distance and intimacy

  1. #11
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Vzhx
    And after sending the n*des, he masturbated over porn ,( 4 times that day) , the next day (5 times)
    How do you know all this??
    I would just move on. There is much more to a relationship than sex. At this point that's all he's interested in . . and then some.
    I personally would be turned off by this and not at all wondering why I'm not enough for him. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Vzhx
    He is a nice guy & considerate of me, trustworthy and says he loves me... he does try to calm me down and stuff
    But it just feels like the intimacy is kind of lost
    And this watching porn and rejecting video calls and stuff makes me feel like Iím not pleasing him enough.... that Iím not good enough
    Does he act lovingly towards you? Because what you've described is anything but.
    After all you came here feeling somewhat discarded. It isn't loving or considerate to demand nudes and then pass you over for electronic sex with strangers.
    Believe you deserve better

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your not a porn star or sex worker. Why is your ego wrapped around whether he masturbates? How long were you dating before the lockdown? Do you talk about anything other than sex, masturbating and porn?
    Originally Posted by Vzhx
    And this watching porn and rejecting video calls and stuff makes me feel like Iím not pleasing him enough.... that Iím not good enough

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm with reinvent.

    I think you're here, posting, because in your gut you know that this is all unhealthyófar, far away from what "loving" looks and feels like. And that? That is strength, yours, asking to be acknowledged and respected by you.

    Can I ask how old you guys are? Might help with the context, a bit. Guess I'm trying to figure out how close this guy is to being an actual teenager vs being an adult who acts like one.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Your not a porn star or sex worker. Why is your ego wrapped around whether he masturbates? How long were you dating before the lockdown? Do you talk about anything other than sex, masturbating and porn?
    Weíve been dating for 8 months now
    And we about everything except sex , I just found it very weird when he turned me down on some of my advances... heís an introvert by nature and he does respect and value me and stuff
    We used to be OBSESSED about getting to know each other in the starting of the relationship
    It was all too good to be true
    Whenever weíve gone on dates Iíve felt free and secure with him
    Itís only recently that I happened to observe a problem in this part of our relationship....

    Ps : I do have anxiety issues
    And Iíve been with men whoíve wanted to be with me for my looks and ultimately left after leading me on
    This is my first relationship
    So Iím hoping that this whole situation is normal cause of the distance and the work stress

    And that Iím overreacting as usual

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm with reinvent.

    I think you're here, posting, because in your gut you know that this is all unhealthyófar, far away from what "loving" looks and feels like. And that? That is strength, yours, asking to be acknowledged and respected by you.

    Can I ask how old you guys are? Might help with the context, a bit. Guess I'm trying to figure out how close this guy is to being an actual teenager vs being an adult who acts like one.
    Iím 22 and heís 24
    He is caring and all, and I do tend to overreact
    So I have made efforts to confront him about this and he did try to reassure me
    He says itís just a visual aid to masturbate
    As much as I want to believe that itís just that
    I get hooked up wondering why he follows so many models on Instagram and then I think to myself that at least heís being open and transparent about what heís doing with me.... if he was hiding... isnít that when the real problem should seed?
    Also, Iím not sure if this is my gut or insecurity....
    But for what I know I donít think gut feelings last so long and they wouldnít exactly get me hooked in loops of thoughts and doubts....

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I think you are conveniently making excuses for his poor behavoir and setting yourself to take the blame. After all if you weren't so insecure and anxious his preference for masturbation and visual stimulation over you would be just fine. . .said no one, ever. (I hope the sarcasm comes through)
    Look. You came here for reason. We didn't come looking for you.
    If there wasn't a problem and if this wasn't causing you some distress, this post problably wouldn't exist.
    Everyone has the right to draw the line in which they are willing to operate. And if his actions make you uncomfortable, then it's ok to own it. (I would)

    For example - Just because someone admits to drinking too much and drinks to the point it interferes with their ability to be in a healthy relationship with someone doesn't make it ok. This isn't any different. He prefers masturbation and visual stimulation over being with you. (yet you say he's respectful?) Kudos for him for admitting it. But if it causes you discomfort, effects your relationship and effects how you feel about yourself. . .then it's a boundary you need to set.

    Sometimes setting boundaries is challenging. It puts you in a position to make difficult choices and it may mean you 'll have choose to not be in this relationship any longer. That's likely why it's easier to make this more about you, your anxiety and supposed overreaction. That way you do't have to do the hard thing. But take it from me, someone who has anxiety.
    *The perfect way to feed anxiety is deny discomfort when it's clearly there.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Vzhx
    This is my first relationship
    So Iím hoping that this whole situation is normal cause of the distance and the work stress

    And that Iím overreacting as usual
    No hon, this isnít normal.

    Youíre not over-reacting.

    But youíre now trying to rationalize away the obvious indications that this guy isnít that into you anymore. Heís pulling away and isnít being the loving guy he once was. Heís treating you like a cam girl rather than an actual girlfriend. These problems shouldnít exist at just 8 months in. This is your gut trying to tell you that itís not working anymore, but your heart isnít ready to hear it yet.

    Good boyfriends donít behave the way this guy does. Heís distancing himself from you, which generally is the beginning of the end.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I think you are conveniently making excuses for his poor behavoir and setting yourself to take the blame. After all if you weren't so insecure and anxious his preference for masturbation and visual stimulation over you would be just fine. . .said no one, ever. (I hope the sarcasm comes through)
    Look. You came here for reason. We didn't come looking for you.
    If there wasn't a problem and if this wasn't causing you some distress, this post problably wouldn't exist.
    Everyone has the right to draw the line in which they are willing to operate. And if his actions make you uncomfortable, then it's ok to own it. (I would)

    For example - Just because someone admits to drinking too much and drinks to the point it interferes with their ability to be in a healthy relationship with someone doesn't make it ok. This isn't any different. He prefers masturbation and visual stimulation over being with you. (yet you say he's respectful?) Kudos for him for admitting it. But if it causes you discomfort, effects your relationship and effects how you feel about yourself. . .then it's a boundary you need to set.

    Sometimes setting boundaries is challenging. It puts you in a position to make difficult choices and it may mean you 'll have choose to not be in this relationship any longer. That's likely why it's easier to make this more about you, your anxiety and supposed overreaction. That way you do't have to do the hard thing. But take it from me, someone who has anxiety.
    *The perfect way to feed anxiety is deny discomfort when it's clearly there.
    Firstly thank you very much for making the time and efforts to actually help me here
    But I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because it was me who initially denied to meet up to ALL his fantasies.... it did start getting a little too much , so now he resorts to porn... and avoids video calls...
    rejecting the n*des... did take a toll on me
    And yes I do agree that I am uncomfortable.... but doesnít it seem like, I asked for this.... now that we spend more time talking about everything else except sex... it got weird and I offered to sooth him cause he was stressed about his professional life falling apart...

    Iím not denying the fact that I did feel uncomfortable
    And that he did get defensive
    But donít other dynamics of the relationship matter too? Only cause currently, while weíre distant my sex life seems like itís falling apart... does it give me a valid reason to end the relationship? Shouldnít I wait to see how things can be when we happen to meet?
    Canít it be that heís probably turned off because Iíve been nagging a lot lately?? Canít it be cause heís stressed and he needs his personal space to recover from the tension?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You used the word 'demanded' when describing his request for nudes, correct?
    Noone is all bad. We can all list redeeming qualities of our ex's.
    but Do you want to be with someone who results to porn to self medicate? That little habit is what addictions are made from. Especially at the rate he's doing it.
    I suspect he admits it to you to get you to second guess yourself. . and it's clearly working.
    A respectful man would never demand something from you and certainly not something the makes you uncomfortable.
    That trait in of itself negates any good quality he might have.
    At the very least it makes him an unsuitable partner.

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