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Thread: Am I a toxic friend?

  1. #1
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    Am I a toxic friend?

    I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting and I just feel as if I haven't been the best friend to my friends lately. Not trying using my current mental health as an excuse, I just haven't felt like myself in a long time and I have recently started therapy. Reflecting upon things, I know I've posted previously about one of my friends being in a bad relationship and how the rest of us, especially me, can't seem to understand why she stays. I've been thinking I've been setting boundaries by not talking to her about her relationship but I've realized the rest of my friends and I still talk about their unhealthy relationship which isn't putting any of us in a good spot. I feel uncomfortable around my friend for a lot of reasons, more so because I've recently gone through a quarantine break up and when she tries to give me advice on it I just can't even take it seriously because it feels hypocritcal of her to say things. A lot of things have changed our friendship and I do believe I'm coming from a place of concern but I am afraid of crossing a line and being a horrible friend. I want to avoid being/becoming a toxic friend. What steps can I take to be better?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Address your own heartaches, problems and mental health. If people are dragging you down pull back and keep it simple and cordial. Find support from positive healthy friends, family and acquaintances.. Join some groups, clubs and other more uplifting forms of support.
    Originally Posted by youngnotdumb
    I have recently started therapy.
    I've recently gone through a quarantine break up.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Take a step back and worry less what others think of you. Take care of yourself. True friends will understand when you're needing time and space away to deal with your own private affairs. Like begets like also so if you tend to outgrow certain friendships, that is ok.

    I think you are immersing yourself too much in others' private issues. Maybe look for more mature connections and friendships that don't compromise your mental health or wellbeing.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I agree with Wiseman and Rose. Focus more on yourself, your own life, feelings, issues.

    Girl talk... something we can all probably admit to enjoying at times, but not always the healthiest of conversations and not known for having bounds.

    Everyone needs to live their own life and make their own decisions for themselves. At the end of the day, it might be helpful to discuss things with a friend, but the person has to live with the situation and consequences.

    It's not really up to anyone else what is good, bad, etc in anyone else's life.

    If you feel she is being hypocritical, I wouldn't say that. but I would stop discussing that topic. A simple thanks for caring, but I'd rather not talk about it right now.

    Recognize you can't fix anyone or change anyone. They are on their own journey. but! you can decide a boundary with them is needed. If you don't want to share certain things with them for your own reasons, that's your business.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I've discovered that you can't be everything to everybody. That's fantasy and reserved for the movies. Realistically, know your boundaries with people. You can have compassion and pray for them from afar, however, know your place regarding other people's private lives even if they divulge their personal lives on social media. Don't comment, stay out of it and don't get involved in other people's affairs, don't insert your opinions and in other words keep your mouth shut. Don't write nor post comments either. Don't partake in joining in with your other friends regarding what you and they think about another friend's problems. Simply stay out of it and back off. With all due respect, mind your own business. It is safer for you. Learn to protect yourself.

    Don't be concerned about why she stays. It's her life, her choice and whatever consequences she must face is based upon her own free will. You've got nothing to do with this. It's none of your concern. Setting boundaries is smart. Stay in your lane.

    Don't preoccupy yourself with other people's lives. Live your own life and focus on yourself. Also, become a better judge of character. Afford to be very picky and choosy regarding whom you wish to associate with. Associate only with very moral, classy people who know how to treat others with utmost respect. Everyone else doesn't matter. It's better to be alone and secure than be with the wrong people who'll make you feel lonely, distrustful and unhappy.

    I'm sorry for your break up during quarantine. If you don't want advice from hypocritical people, then don't ask. Become a private person which are safe boundaries for yourself.

    No, you're not a toxic friend. Self improvement requires a lifetime of practice, trial and error. Live and learn. Change the way you think and navigate your life and interactions more wisely. You'll be ok!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    One of my sign posts for a friendship being healthy or turning unhealthy is how my issues are addressed. If someone just jumps right in and says, 'You should...' instead of asking what I want, then that's not advice I'm likely to consider.

    To set the pace of health in a friendship, I avoid complaining and ask instead if I can bounce an issue off of them to try to figure out my next move.

    This is active problem-solving rather than whining. It also doesn't obligate me to accept advice that I don't wish to implement.


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